I need to pick an attorney that will surely become my closest confidante over the next few months. And I would like insight from others on what kind I should select please.

Here's the scenario. Hubby is a controller. He is an intimidator and VERY proud of that. He often boasts to family, friends and associates how he loves to bring people to their knees in shame. He takes great pride in threatening people on the phone that they can either make things easy or that he will chastise them into squirming, weeping bits of human waste.
When H and I started divorce proceeding last time, he filed first and came thru with one of the top legal firms in the state to represent him. Big Big bucks.

Now, take into consideration that we do not own major assets, they are quite modest, we do not own a business or two or corporate holdings. We have no savings accounts. We have minimal assets to split and an average home. That divorce was halted, but the attorney that I had then hired said that H was making a statement by hiring that firm, that he was "more important and powerful" and " that a local counsel would not be good enough for his powerful type." His attorney is female.... again, I'm certain because he feels that he will be easily able to "control" her. He tends to surround himself with female subordinates at work - my guess is because he wants to retain control. His counselor (therapist) is also female. ***********(ANY INSIGHT ON ANY OF THIS?????? I am not a psychotherapist)***********
I was going to use an in-county attorney that was familiar with this specific court system at that time.

OK - so..... I need an attorney for this time. It is a known fact that the judge here leans toward the female in the case, and also usually toward a female attorney representing the case.

Should I get a powerhouse attorney from a big big expensive firm just like H's? Should I get a local one that knows this system and the judge better? Which will play better in court? Which would have more clout with the judge? On one hand, a big one might be more powerful and steamroll over the court and my attorney. On the other hand, the judge might see that H is on power kick by unecessarily hiring some biggie and that a small local isn't "good enough" for his superiority.
Should I get a female attorney or a male? Will either of them intimidate my H more than the other?

Any help would be appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to make my selection within the next couple of days to get this going.....
Can't stand it ANYMORE~

OhMyGoddesss:

[QB]I need to pick an attorney that will surely become my closest confidante over the next few months. And I would like insight from others on what kind I should select please.

Attorneys charge by the 6 minute rule. If you're thinking about making the attorney your "closest confidante" be aware that you will be charged for all time you spend on the phone with him/her and maybe for all time you spend talking to their staff, if it's about your case. Be careful to organize your questions written out in front of you, and save them up for phone calls with the attorney, and keep a log of the time the calls start and when they end.

Here's the scenario. Hubby is a controller. He is an intimidator and VERY proud of that. He often boasts to family, friends and associates how he loves to bring people to their knees in shame. He takes great pride in threatening people on the phone that they can either make things easy or that he will chastise them into squirming, weeping bits of human waste.

Ugh. You really do need a very strong attorney. I don't know whether man or woman, but it sounds like the only thing your H respects is power. Don't go for a meek, low key attorney. You need a meaner shark than he has.

Also, I'm interviewing attorneys and am ready to retain one asap. You need to ask them whether they carry malpractice insurance. If they say no, don't retain them. It could mean that they don't have enough assets to worry about protecting them. Just because a firm hasn't been sued for malpractice just means they've been lucky gambling on "riding bareback."

As to the rest of your questions, I don't know.

OMG,

I don't quite understand. What are the issues to be decided in court?

Do you have kids?

Is this a custody battle?

Is it the division of assets?
Since you say that you don't have much in the way of assets, it doesn't make sense to spend $50K fighting over $60K.

If there is not much to fight over, I would go with the lower cost approach. That is, btw, not advice - it's just what I would do.

In my only contact with lawyers (not for dv), I found that they charge $2/minute. That was probably a medium-priced one.

-AD

My lawyer is tough....walks all over his. However she charges like a wounded bull. I am a believer in you get what you pay for, however.

My opinion is that you do need a strong lawyer if HE is likely to go that road again, and one who has a very good reputation for winning cases.

Love and light,

Jacky

One of the first questions my lawyer asked was "do you have a counselor?". She said she's a lawyer, not a counselor and everyone should have an objective third party to talk to during a D.

Have you read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship?" by Patricia Evans. It addresses control issues and even gives you ideas on how to diffuse some situations. I also have a book called "Divorce Strategies" or Divorce War. It's for women and gives advice on how to play hard ball.

If there are children involved and he's controlling them too, one of the best things we did was to engage a counselor to assist us in communication. That is for my H & I only since we'll need to discuss children's issues through our lives. It's helped immensely.

Good Luck.

newly:

"One of the first questions my lawyer asked was "do you have a counselor?". She said she's a lawyer, not a counselor and everyone should have an objective third party to talk to during a D."

newly, that's the first thing one of the attys I interviewed said to ME!

Very important, because you could spend way too much time emoting and then find out that it's on your bill and eating up your retainer.

Thanks for the replies.

I agree that I need an attorney that will and can stand up firmly to my H's demands... someone to protect my best interests thru this. Of course it's hard to determine who will do this most effectively as when interviewing attorneys they all seem "easy going". As I once heard a tv actor portraying an attorney say, "I don't get tough unless I have to". I guess this is true in real life as well... most attorneys conduct themselves in a "nice" manner unless there is reason to fight.

Regarding the question of what there is to fight for.... H will find something to fight for, he loves to find a cause.
1) He will want to fight for the amount of spousal support (alimony) that he will have to pay. (I've stopped working to be able to raise our children for 15 yrs of our 20 yrs of marriage. I ALWAYS planned on staying home to raise my kids, so there were no surprises to H that this was the plan.)
2) He will want to fight over how much and how long he should pay child support.
3) I will most likely be moving children to my home state to live near my family for emotional support.
****There is no family here at all, and having recently moved, within the state, the children have been in this school system for only a short while so they do not feel "rooted" here in this area.> H has said that he would agree to this only if I would agree to give up all alimony and child support. *****
4) H thinks I am entitled to less than 50% of any assets because of the inequity in our earnings over the marriage.

Hubby keeps spouting off little threatening remarks about actions he thinks he is entitled to and what his "attorney told him". I personally think most of it he makes up to intimidate me.

Even though there is isn't a large asset pool to divvy up, H will fight just for the sport of it... he has already said that. Just to use up the existing funds so that I won't get them. He won't need the assets - he makes enough $$$ that he will be OK no matter what and he knows that. While I really need the assets to make a new start for a new home.

Newly ----- regarding a counselor..... I had posted about that last week in fact. The new insurance that we have doesn't provide for payment for this and H stopped going to his counselor because of this and said that there wasn't $ .......or didn't want $to go t spent on it..... to go to one either. I guess that once we officially split, it will be my decision on what to spend the $ on.
We are in same area btw, perhaps your attorney is one that I interviewed.

Thanks to all for the replies..... I just want to pick correctly. Just hoping someone here is an expert on personality types like my H and what would work best with him OR with the courts.

If we are truly in the same area, I have more advice for you. E-mail me directly at mcelros@yahoo.com
I found a great support group which has really helped me through this process. And the women's crisis center is good too.
I also have the out of state family issue.

Get someone tough, but remember....time is money. My lawyer charges me for everything....and her secretary charges me for typing stuff. That's something I didn't know about. You might want to ask the lawyer when you talk to them.....one that i spoke with wasn't going to charge me for anything above his fee. But he just wanted to accept what my H was going to give me....yet I got so much more from my H because the two of us tried to be reasonable. It doesn't seem to be the case with your H. Sounds like he is a [censored]!

As for counseling.....try a church. I went for free....look into it. There are also clinics that charge what you can afford. Don't use your lawyer as a counselor!!! YOu will go broke!

Good luck....and stay strong.

Max

HI,

Each state is different, but generally, child support is required and there are state guidelines. It is possible that once you move to live closer to your family, you could have it modified to fit your state guidelines. I don't think he can get out of that one. I live in a "No Fault" state, to get alimony, you would have to have dedicated most of you M relationship as a stay at home, as you did.

If this judge really leans towards women, your H's controlling demeaner will probably go against him.
Also, If he leans towards women attorney's then I would try to find a woman attorney who is tough. One that cannot be manipulated or steam rolled.

If you could find a local, female, and tough attorney, then I thing you will be fine.

Don't cave to his threats of the assets over the children. That may even go agains him. It shows that he is placing monetary value over his children. The state I live in, the children usually go to the mother unless there is a strong case against the mother and that the children will be in harms way by being with them.

A good attorney will place a very high dollar value on the services you provided by staying at home. If he had to hire someone to do what you did, he probably could not have afforded you.

You might even be able to get the attorney fees paid for by H, if your attorney is good enough.

Do you live in a "no fault" state? Did your H have an A? If so, can that be used against him in your state? I know in VA it can. There is a guy posting here that is from VA. I go to school with a girl who is from either SD or ND, I think SD, her Dad is going after his WW and possibly OM. She said in SD you can. I'm thinking in terms so you can start over and since he is on a power trip, if you live in a state such as VA or SD, you could have your own power hold on him if he had an A. I'm not in favor of fighting dirty, but if they are going to, you have to fight back. Attorneys are manipulators. They have to be to be good at their job.

I just looked at one of your posts. I don't know how old your kids are, but he is not home enough for custody to be an issue. If you were not around, he would have to pay big bucks to have a live in take care of the kids and be a housekeeper. You need an attorney who will put a $$ value on the domesticated services you provided at home. (I think they can do that)