My divorce will be final in about a month or so. My husband was the WS, I was the BS. I plan A'd my rear off and to no avail. We'd only been married about 2 years when we separated.

I ran into an old friend who was actually married to an old friend of mine over 7 years ago. He is a great guy and has been such a nice guy, best friend, supportive, gentleman. He's just wonderful. We've known each other for 11 years, but just recently started talking again.

His wife did some similar things that my husband did. I've talked to my therapist and family about this.

I take marriage very seriously. I take relationships very seriously. My family and close friends are very happy for me and say I deserve to be happy and cared for. Honestly, I DO. My family and close friends all know this person as well. His family feels the same way.

Regardless of how everyone else feels, I do love this man. I also hear my brain saying "this is too good to be true." His brain tells him the same thing. He's 10 years older than my soon to be x husband. He's very mature. He talks openly about his feelings - validates my feelings. And, I've known him and his family for a long time.

So we start slow and see where it takes us? I'm not posting this to get slammed, I know I'm not divorced yet. So can I get some words of encouragement and support?

Thanks,
Happiness4me

I wish I knew someone equivalent in my life...Go for it and God Bless you.

Thanks c++ guy. I appreciate your words. You will find that person when you least expect it.

{{{{hugs}}}}
H4M

Happiness,

I hate to rain on your parade, but I'm going to anyway.

I did a similar thing as you about a year ago. I met a woman online before I was divorced and before she was also. It was a similar situation as you, both of us were the BS. The trouble was we had not yet resolved our current relationships and we had a lot of stuff to figure out before we were ready for another relationship. Also, we both knew that we were technically having an affair, and that caused a certain amount of guilt for both of us. In the end we were both hurt by the whole thing and it's unlikely that we'll ever get together. There's just too much baggage there.

Get divorced first. Get over your marriage. Let him do the same. A year from now your feelings might be different. If they are, you'll be happy you didn't do anything. If they aren't, you can look each other up and get together then. Either way, you'll be better off if you wait.

Good luck.

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: idiotguy ]</small>

Oops, double post.

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: idiotguy ]</small>

I appreciate your honest IG -
He's been divorced for almost 7 years. Although I am not divorced yet, I have been in therapy and feel I continue to work on me including what makes me happy. This isn't a new person in my life, it's someone I've known for some time. He's a wonderful person and I enjoy his company. If I had guilt about not being over my marriage yet, I don't think I would even be sharing any of this information with my family and friends - who, again, are very supportive. I have never been a "rebound" type of person and don't feel like this is a rebound. Again, I appreciate your honesty and hope things work out for you!

H4M

I'm not sure I understand.

You're married. Yet you're here to ask if it's ok to take up with this guy you profess to love.

How exactly is this different from the A you said your husband had?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have never been a "rebound" type of person and don't feel like this is a rebound. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW! that is great!

now, can you explain to me in one post how a rebound feels and then how a normal relationship feels so that I know the difference!

that would be great information for the rest of us to prevent us from making the rebound mistake on the first friend we meet while not even beginning to be healed from our last marriage. . .

please, we would all benefit from it . . .

wiftty

Happiness4me,

I wish you all the joy and blessings you deserve as you start a new life.

ANNA

H4M,

Just be careful then and take it very slowly. How long have you been separated? If you've already been separated for an extended time, perhaps you've gone through some of the relationship recovery already. I'd still encourage you to wait, but if it were me, I probably wouldn't wait either.

Okay. Okay.

First and foremost - thanks for those who offered support and encouragement. I appreciate it.

Yes, I am legally still married. My husband does not live in the same city as me and hasn't for over 3 mos. The only talking we do is about business matters and the divorce papers, etc.

Love is a choice. I've always taken any and every relationship in my life seriously.

This is NOT an affair. I'm not leading a secret life. I'm not being abusive to my husband.

This is a nice friendship that has the potential to grow into something great. That's it. Period.

As far as "rebound" goes. I don't know what it is personally. I've only heard other explain it as using someone or a situation to help you get over a relationship, etc. until you feel better and then you move on without that person.

I would never do that to anyone I care about. I haven't had many relationships in my life and I'm in my mid 30's.

I appreciate all feedback - good and bad, but I'm feeling I need to defend myself and I don't think that is why anyone comes here. We come here to better ourselves and our relationships with our spouses. When that cannot happen, and in my situation, it couldn't. My husband would not partake in any type of healing.

I come here (usually just lurk) to see how others are doing. I finally felt the need to post.

I hope I am still welcome to post here.

H4M

happiness4me: I, too, have a very close friend. He has been a friend to me and my stbxh for several years. I am very attracted to him. All my friends know him and like him much more than my stbxh. A few family members have met him and like him also.

This friendship is strictly platonic and I intend to keep it that way until the final papers are signed; maybe even a long time after that. I know how bad the loneliness is and how having someone around that cares about you makes you feel alive. I just think that if I jumped into a relationship right now, my mind would really be messed up. It's important to get yourself together first and then move on.

Please do not stop posting. It is a very emotional time and I understand completley how you feel. You certainly do deserve to be happy; all of us do.

Happiness,

I wish you all the happiness and joy there is! I think it is very possible that we have diamonds under our noses and are unable to see them until the time is right!

O2B,
I don't think happy is looking for permission for an illicit relationship. I think, rather, that she is beginning to be ready to open herself to the possibilities the surround her. I know she is going to do the right thing...just wanted to share her joy with us!

Fingers -
Thank you for your post. The most important thing for me right now is ME. I'm continuing counseling and am very open to my therapist about everything in my life, including my friend. I honestly don't feel lonely at all. I have a wonderful family and friends, a great job, volunteer work, etc. that keep me surrounded by loved ones. I appreciate your kind words - yes, I do deserve to be happy. Something I read here that I believe in......

Anyone who believes happiness is anything but a choice, or that it can be bestowed or destroyed by another, is denying their own inner power and missing the opportunity to walk in the sunshine.

Happiness is my choice. No one can give it to me or take it from me. Good luck Fingers. Hope to hear from you again.

FranklyMyDears-
You hit the nail on the head. I'm looking to opening myself up to the possibilities that exist around me. I will do the right thing. I'm glad you agree that the diamonds can be right under our noses and that when the time IS right, we will know. Thanks so much.

H4M

Happiness,
You go girl! You seem like you have given this a lot of thought and I think it's nice that you have someone that your comfortable with even just as friends to talk to and to spend time with. I spend most of my time looking at the posts on this site and very seldom feel the urge to put my two cents in, but your situation kinda struck me. My h and I have been struggling in our marriage for years and believe me we have had our problems like everyone else here. However, I am lucky enough to have one person in my life that I feel that I can talk to whenever I need to and he listens, gives me his imput and makes me feel like there is at least one person who really care about me and how I feel. I have known this person for over 20 years and he has been divorced for about the past 3 years I guess. In some ways, this person knows me probably better than my husband and that is only because my husband has never cared enough even after all the marriage counseling that we went through. Anyway, for what it's worth, I'm all for being happy, so good luck to you...............

Thanks miserableinpa-
I hope you and your hubby can work things out. Are you currently in counseling? Do you have any children? Keep in touch and good luck to you.
H4M

H4M ~ girl i completley understand your fellings i too have someone who has been close to me for the last 12 yrs ...... as far as ive always felt hes where i belong just never said anything about it i am married and when i was seperated i went to him the only place i felt i could be me and feel the suport and love i needed, if you dont follow what u feel it will always be there in linger waiting and pulling at you just as i know one day ill have my with him u will have yours just take your time and dont rush its hard when your not with the one u feel drawn too!

Happiness - these may seem to be a bit about selfishness. But you haven't been through a real divorce yet. When the final papers are signed, and the reality of being single and alone have not set in. I feel you should just be platonic friends, nothing else. But the dating should wait until the end of the divorce. Your mind is still going up and down with love, caring, giving, receiving, remember what the Harleys say, the giver and the taker. Give yourself time. Take a year after the divorce to really see who this person is, and see for yourself who you are totally. Right now, you are still legally married, and what you are doing is an affair, persay. Be honest with this gentlemen, and explain to him that you enjoy his friendship, but in reality you are truely married to your WH and you will need personal time for growth and independence. Just my feelings. I am going through a divorce as well, and I will not date for quite a while. Maybe never. I have lost trust in men, with my stbx WH being the betrayer and the statements that he says as of today, that his affair was meant to be. He spent $7000 on his other woman and he tells me repeadedly that his $7000 was spent worthwhile, and my spending money on my lawyer is stupid, senseless.

It is good that you are working on yourself. I am trying the same, but am having set backs. You are the only one who is going to protect yourself, no one else will. This is difficult to accept, but it is reality. Too bad that our spouses don't feel any morals about what they did with their OP. Please wait, and take your time.

I will try to give encouragment...Take it slowly, very very slowly. Remember that so many relationships start very well, and the guy seems to be attentive and you have so much in common but you know those things can change after years of being together because men seem to get very content and comfortable.

You know his family, that is a major plus...I for one didn't know his family before marriage we lived in a different state and all I heard were how warm and loving they were from him. Then BAM I met them and they are warm and loving to eachother only when they are getting what they want, if not they treat their own family members like crap then they don't accept outsiders at all. They've treated me horrible all these years and my h didn't take up for me at all.

You have to know the family, that has caused so many marital problems for us.

He makes you happy now, and that is wonderful. If I were you I'd allow him to remain a good friend through this whole process and if something were to blossom it will do it naturally. As you know nobody is perfect...and if it feels to good to be true it probably is. That feeling you have with him now will not last forever, things will fall into a routine and you over time need to decide whether this guys qualities can make you happy forever. Learn as much as you can right now about yourself and about why your marriage failed. All I'm saying is I'd move slowly so I wouldn't ever have to go through a divorce again.

Toni

keepingittogether - I wish you and your husband the best. Thanks for your encouragement.

cry2much & toni - thanks for your words. i agree with both of you. I will take this very slowly. This is a very mature man who has been through the same thing years ago. He has been great with validating my feelings and being supportive while I go through this difficult time without smothering me, etc. He has truly been a tremendous friend.

I do believe that everyone heals at a different pace - I feel very good. I'd still feel good without this friend. I'm back to being true to myself - something I lost in my marriage.

I also believe that everything does happen for a reason. The truth is - I knew my marriage wasn't going to last no matter how hard I tried. I was in denial about it, like many of us are.

More later,
H4M