About a month ago my husband decided to have a vasectomy. This is only five months after my daughter has been born and also after I have been telling him that I was not ready for him to do that; I am not ready to say right now that I do not want any more children. He had a friend of his take him to the hospital to have it done and while he was on his way I called him and blatently asked him not to do it. Well, of course we all know what comes next. He did it anyway, and I feel very betrayed. I almost feel as if he had an affair or something. For the past month we have been roommates raising two kids instead of husband and wife. Just to look at him makes me ill and to even think about being intimate with him just hurts more; it reminds me of the horrible decision he made on his own. All I can think about is how he betrayed me and totally threw my opinion out the window. I really need help to get over this and repair our marriage...I am hanging onto the rope that is slowlly becoming untwined.

Tryingtoforgive,<P>I can understand your frustration and what seems to be anger. Having a vasectomy should have been a joint decision and your H didn't respect that principle. But, in your H's defense, you've stated that you were not ready to say that you didn't want more children. Considering your H's actions, he was. What would be the difference of you becoming pregnant if he was ready to stop with the babies? From my prespective, none. Children are wonderful (have 2) but they are such work and unless my W and I were in complete agreement, we wouldn't have another unless God decided for us and birth control failed.<P>Whether or not your H is a good husband, father and provider and no matter how angry you are; you need to forgive him ASAP! This will allow the two of you to enjoy the children you have and develop a deeper relationship with each other without dealing with bitterness.<P>After the birth of our first, my W took a year off from work. After several months, she and I agreed that she would have to go back to teaching the next year. This made her angry towards me and this anger grew into bitterness. I could sense it and over time she and I drifted apart....it was so bad that she and I almost ended the marriage in December 1998. We didn't and from where she is today, she's truly believes that we made the right decision for our family. She and I have worked very hard to save our marriage and family, but it would have been better if this issue was resolved at the time and didn't have the opportunity to grow into bitterness.<P>What I'm trying to say is, forgive him, he messed up but is your anger, justified or not worth taking the chance to allow it to become bitterness. Bitterness that can wreck the marriage and home you now have....my W and I know a couple that would feel blessed with just one child, you and your H have two. Enjoy what you have and find peace and joy there.<P>I want to end with from what I read, you sound like a great mother who really enjoys children. You kids are blessed with this. If you need a new rope, I keep plenty on hand. Also, if you tie a knot in the end and hang on, the rope won't come apart (voice of experience).<P>Hang in There!

<BR>Well, this is a new topic. <P>I guess my question to you is, since your H was 100%, absolutely sure he didn't want more children, what scenario did you envision in which it would happen? Obviously, he should have some say over his reproductive rights. It would be best if a couple could talk it out and agree, but, obviously, his mind was made up. Maybe he thought that doing it would end any arguments.<P>My W and I have a little underground vasectomy conflict going on right now....but it is sort of centered around her looking at a vasectomy by me as a sign of commitment -- i.e.: I won't be running off with some twinkie and starting a new family. Due to some discord in our relationship, I've been holding off doing it (that and a knife/penis revulsion).<P>Look at it from the positive sense. If your H wasn't committed to the relationship and was going to go out trolling for a new young wife, he wouldn't get a V. <BR>

This situation would have been a wonderful opportunity to exercise the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Should he have taken this step without your agreement? No. Should you have continued to pursue having more children when he obviously did not want more? No.<P>None of us know how your discussions on this topic have gone. Was your H fearful or suspcious that you might get pregnant against his wishes? Were there angry outbursts and love busting going on. Perhaps the most constructive question you could ask your H would be, why he felt he needed to take such a drastic step. Listen carefully to what he says.<P>Take this time to work together to make the POJA a part of your marriage. You need to forgive him and be prepared to accept responsibility for any of your actions that may have contributed to him taking this step.<P>Mud

You see it was not obvious to me that he did not want children. He was never able to vocalize this point. His excuse for getting a vasectomy was so that I would not have to take birth control pills or so that when we were intimate with each other, we wouldnt have to worry about another baby at the moment.<P>To answer your question about getting pregnant against his wishes, I would never do that. That would totally be evil. He knew that I wanted us to wait a few years to make such a drastic decision.<P>He hurt me so because he never voiced anything how he felt and then when I asked him not to because emotionally I was not ready he did it anyway. I am a VERY sensitive person and just needed time to get through the rolling emotions after pregnancy. I feel he just added to instead of allowing it all to go away.<P>I am doing better and am trying to take this day by day, we are not bickering; we are very civil with each other. We just spend no intimate time together because at the present it upsets me.<P>I really appreciate each and every reply to this. They are all very helpful.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mudder:<BR><B>This situation would have been a wonderful opportunity to exercise the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Should he have taken this step without your agreement? No. Should you have continued to pursue having more children when he obviously did not want more? No.<P>None of us know how your discussions on this topic have gone. Was your H fearful or suspcious that you might get pregnant against his wishes? Were there angry outbursts and love busting going on. Perhaps the most constructive question you could ask your H would be, why he felt he needed to take such a drastic step. Listen carefully to what he says.<P>Take this time to work together to make the POJA a part of your marriage. You need to forgive him and be prepared to accept responsibility for any of your actions that may have contributed to him taking this step.<P>Mud </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

My H had a vasectomy when my third daughter was 5 yrs old and it took US at least 6 months to decide that it was the right decision. I went with him and it was a very sad day for us. We didn't want more children, but it was as if we were closing a chapter in our lives. It may sound foolish, but we had to go thru a grieving process. <BR> I think this is what you need, for your H to understand that it is very hard, especially for a woman, to realize that there will be no more babies. His intention was noble but his method was callous.<BR> On the other hand, when I went to a new Oby/Gyn a few years ago, she asked what birth control I used. I told her my H had a vasectomy and she said, "What a lucky woman you are!". There are many men who keep that responsibility on their wives for ever. And I assure you that as soon as you finish grieving, you will find that your intmacy and sex life will be more relaxed and enjoyable without the fear of pregnancy. <BR> Hope this helps a little<BR> SheRa<BR> <P><BR>