Ok well I am in the process of a divorce - my husband cheated on me and basically gave me the I am not in love with you crap anyways - he said he wanted a divorce because I will never trust him again.. yada yada yada... Now the problem - I really never wanted the divorce but after living through this hell since October I finally said ok fine - so I called the lawyer - I have done everything - We have two girls 9 and 12 and he actually is spending more time with them now then he did when he was living here - OK so last weekend he moved into an apartment - He still has a bunch of stuff here - says to give him some time he will get it - I mean there is no time limit is there?? This is what I get .. Unfortunately he still like needs to go through the whole house and pick out stuff that is his but he isn't doing that - I packed some stuff for him - OK so it is killing me because he thinks it is ok for him to come over all of the time like he still lives here - he calls me on the phone to see how I am doing - he wants to hang out here with me when he comes to see the kids. Now tonite I went to a therapy group and they told me I need to take a stand - set boundaries - He still has the key to the house - I don't know how to ask for it back. I mean I want to get along with him - but I am very hurt and I just cant deal with all of these mixed signals - It is like he wants a divorce and to be single but yet he still wants his family life when he wants it. So how do I set boundaries - Has anyone else been through this???? Help !!!!

I lived through that last year from April until July, when I decided I couldn't stand it anymore--then he filed for a divorce.

It is a nightmare...they want both worlds...and it is not fair. However, my H hated the boundaries I set.

This is so hard, and you will be in my prayers. Stay strong and feel free to vent here. Pat

Thank you Pat - I actually read alot of your story with the husband and the OW. Fortunately or unfortunately for me depending on how you look at it - I believe the other woman was the lady next door - there was always a phone number that I believed was the girlfriends then I found out it was hers after I intercepted messages on his cell phone calling him hun.. So everyday I have to look at this lady and wonder when she is driving out of the driveway if she is going to see him - which drives me nuts. I don't really want to be mean but I need to go on with my life and he just doesn't see it - he looks at it like he is doing me a favor by trying to pacify me I guess because I really don't want the divorce. I mean we can be friends I guess but we can't be buddies and I don't know how to take that stand with him and make him see that he is really still sending me mixed signals about our relationship or lack there of. How did you finally say ok - I have had enough ????

Wow, and just last night I was talking to a good friend about how I know I've come a long way towards recovery when I read my old posts.

I wrote almost exactly the same things as you earlier this year. I know exactly where you are and even though nothing I say will make it better, please know it does get better. The pain lessens, the strength increases and the ability to set boundaries ( in my case, keep the ones I'd set) gets easier.

You may not know my story as I don't post alot any more. My H also cheated, wouldn't make a decision to file, lied to me about relationship with OW, led me on, made me feel like there was hope, road both sides of the fence, wanted me to be his best friend & confidant..... etc. etc.

I struggled so much because I did not want to be mean. I thought since I was a nice person, I couldn't express the pain and disappointment I felt inside. I had not given up that he might want me and might come home if I made it a safe place. I did an ok plan A, I thought, but in reality I had become a doormat for him. I was being nice and friendly but I was not being true to myself or my wants and desires. I never understood this but Plan A really is about yourself not the WS. I finally get it.

I posted here about how to set boundaries and it took months, I mean months, to finally change the locks on the house and stop allowing myself to meet his needs for affection, admiration, companionship, etc.. ( no, I cut out SF the day I found out he was living with OW)

I guess what I'm trying to say it that it is hard. Several people here at MB hurt my feelings at the time because it was so easy for them to say tell him to leave you alone, set the rules and stick to them, if you love yourself, it doesn't matter if he loves you, yada, yada,yada. I couldn't understand why I had to be unfriendly or hateful towards him. At that point, I simply wasn't ready.

However, lo and behold, one fine day the light went on. I no longer wanted him in my house on a daily basis. I no longer wanted to see him, look at him and God-forbid touch him. I didn't want to be his friend. I was able to make the boundaries and stick to them. I finally decided to make myself happy and comfortable and at peace rather than trying to do that for him. This was not easy and it was not something I could force. It took time and it took the realization that I had to find a place that I was happy but that did not allow him to continually take advantage of my peoplepleasing personality.

Yes, he is my children's father and yes I want him to be happy on some level. Does that mean I have to be part of his life on a daily basis? No. I don't have to be his friend. If I was to meet him today and he lied to me and ignored my feelings, I would not be attracted to him or want to have a friendship with him.

I'm sorry I'm talking so much about myself. It's just that I relate so much to where you are. My H left in Mar 01 and until basically April 02, he wanted us to be best buddies(while lying thru his teeth) and I hung on every word, over analysed every hug, every kind word, etc.

Not until recently did I truly come to a peace with the fact he had a new life but wanted to keep his foot in the door with his old life because I was always there to provide comfort. I was his enabler.

I stopped helping him. I stopped enabling him. I stopped letting his actions affect me.

I'm not sure where you are in your divorce process. For me it was 6 months from his moving out to my filing for divorce. Another 7 months after that that I finally gave up and realized that I had to set those boundaries just to keep my sanity. It's been 3 months now since that revelation and I still have to remind myself sometimes that I don't have to ignore how I feel just to try to make him happy.

Good news from all this. I'm a better, happier, more content person than before. I'm finally feeling like I'll make it and I'll be better off without him. I greived and cried for my lost future. Then I realized that my future wasn't lost. My future is bright. God promises me that. He has a plan for me to prosper. I have my faith and I have the knowledge that I did all I could to forgive, forget and work on my marriage.

I don't know you but my prayer is the same for you. May God grant you peace and comfort as you go through this process. Good luck and God Bless.

PP

Peoplepleaser - oh my god listening to what you wrote about yourself is exactly what I am doing or what I have been doing.. It is incredible - This started in October when I found out about the affair - I am still not sure of all of the details because everything has basically been a lie - but I have filed because I know that I cannot change him - I do the over analyizing and thinking well he is cracked and he will change his mind but then I think no it is over - we are going to be getting a court date probably in August and it takes 120 to be final - and he definately wants to be my buddy - and I tried to explain to him tonight as a matter of fact that I need him to take the rest of his stuff I need to get on - I need to get my own life - He doesn't want me anymore and everyone has been trying to tell me for so long to just let him go...I mean my sister keeps telling me that he has done everything but murder me and I still like him - sometimes I wish for that day to come when I tell him to get lost - I am going to try and just talk to him about the kids and not give him any part of me.. You give me hope that I can do it and I appreciate your support - Have you started going out with guys??? I cannot even imagine that I was with my husband for 19 yrs. and married for 15 in August - It is all so sad to me... Thank you again.. Any insight to this problem is greatly appreciated. Mimi

Dear maw,

It is just so hard to get to that point. My H moved out this time. But for 4 months, he left during the week and was with the OW and then came home to us.

He couldn't handle the emotional strain tho...and he treated us all very badly--especially me,

I finally reached the point where I couldn't stand having him in the house anymore. He was calling her from soccer games...if I ran an errand--he was calling her. I get the cell phone bill--so I could see what he was doing. He eventually started attacking me to justify his new relationship. I wasn't this...and I wasn't that. I just reached the point I couldn't deal with it anymore...and I told him not to come home until he was done with her. Obviously, he chose her...so here we are divorced.

I am still mourning our family, our future and what we worked for. We were together for 25 years, married for 22. It is terribly sad, and I didn't want this for my kids at all. I still think about it all the time and worry about what is going to happen to all of us.

But it takes two commited people to make a marriage work. And I finally have come to the realization that I made Jim the center of my life. I was always there for him cheering him on and supporting him, the kids and the military. It is hard to break away and start over--like foreign territory.

I have met a wonderful man who is so kind, caring and giving--sometimes I don't know how to act. My H never treated me like that. It was always about him. Anyway...none of this is easy and it is definitely scary. I am trying to trust in God that he will keep us on the right path. This is not what I had envisioned for my family or myself. But I can't change it. Sorry for the long post....take care of yourself. Pat

Hi Pat - thank you for your insight - It was not to long I appreciate hearing how you got to where you are - I guess I am still at the I am afraid to let go stage - I guess I am afraid of the foreign territory - and I am sad that my husband has decided to do this to our family - and everything we have worked for. We just bought a new house 2 years ago had it built in a neighborhood in a town that he wanted to live - we were just getting comfortable where the kids where 9 and 12 and didn't need our constant supervision - and now he has decided that he wants his freedom - he is comfortable not having to tell me where he is what he is doing or what he is going to do. I am not sure if at this point there is another woman or if he even wants one right now - He said that he left to get his sanity. I don't think he can deal with what he did to me and how I reacted to it. But trying to live with the fact that he cheated on me and wants to blame my reaction for the fall and collapse is sometimes very hard to take. I am very happy that you have met someone new - I know that it takes two people to make a marriage work and that is why I said ok lets get the divorce if I didn't say he would probably still be living at home making my life miserable. I am only 37 and I know I have a whole life out there - but now I am 37 almost divorced, a mortgage (big) and two kids and it is very frightening .... I hope I can get to where you are - I think you have handled everything wonderful when I used to read your posts about the games and them being there together in front of you my heart just wanted to break - that is a little to much for someone to handle but you did ok... It's funny I keep hoping in the end they realize that they are really the ones that lost - but I am afraid they will never admit it. Again thanks alot for giving me hope.... Mimi

Hey MAW64 -
This might be helpful or not. When I asked my STBXH for the house key we were having an argument so that was the easy part. The hard part was when I changed the code on the key pad to the garage and he was livid. Told him that I needed my privacy as much as he did. He tried to tell me because he was still paying part of the mortgage he should be able to come and go as he wanted to. Told him that would be fine but I would want a key to his apartment to do the same. End of subject. We were both going to the same IC separately at that time and she also stressed to him the need for each of us to have our own privacy.
I got the same "I Love you but I'm not in Love with You" crap and also heard how I would never be able to trust him again. I now realize that he is right but he is the one that made it that way. I still don't know if he is telling me the truth. I have got to the point where I just don't believe or expect anything from him and take care of myself and the kids and try to take it a day at a time. I am ready to move on with my life and he is well aware that I have no romantic love left for him anymore. He also caused that.
I'm scared to death about having another R with anyone at this point. Everyone tells me that this will change and that I should be window shopping at least. Tell them that I'm not even ready to go to the mall yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Is this a bad dream - thank you - for your insight - I know that I need to move on and change the keys but to me that is hard - my sister on the other hand thinks I am an idiot... I hope that I can get to the point where I am ok with myself enough to just let go.. I am definately not ready to go to the mall also... It is hard when you have been with someone for so long - trying to comprehend what and why they did this to you... Thank you for your help..

Hey I am new here but what I have been reading sounds like me. Why do I want someone that has cheated, lied, etc to me. Is it worth it. Should I put my kids through it. I know nothing is going to change. SO why???

I know how you are feeling! I went through a very similar situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Found out my hubby was cheating on me seperated. I moved out and became very strong and was feeeling good about myself. We started dating again through our seperation and it was great! Like we were just married...However when I took him back and moved back in with him I got a visit from the woman he was cheating on me with only to find out he was still doing it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> We talked about this and even wet to counsiling to help. We are working on it, so I thought as today he came home and said the divorce is being processed! It was like he wanted me more when I wasn't with him and treated me so much better then when we are married living in the same home.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Helpme79 - You bring up a great point and that is a question that I am still struggling with why do I want someone who cheated, lied and ruined my family?? I don't really have an answer other than I guess I cannot imagine my life without him or maybe I am just afraid of being alone - but I do know that really I have been alone for 3 months - he hasn't lived here - my problem is now just letting go and trying to get a life myself without him in it....
Angelkisses4me - That is really hard to think that you have been doing so good and you thought that everything was going great then bam - he is still at it... I don't know what makes these men tick - but I do know that we don't deserve this and hopefully someday we will be ok on our own...