I am so lost. I feel as though I have completely failed my family. My wife wants a divorce for reasons that I am still unclear on. At least the reasons that she gives she also says that over the last four months I have made 100% improvement and she never thought that we could be so happy. But in the next sentence she says that she can't go on, because she still has pain with our interactions. I am not perfect, far from it, but I have made absolutely every effort to fix the problems that she told me was the cause of her difficulty about 6 months ago and have succeeded beyond all her friends' belief.

I am beginning to think, that even though we have ACTED happy, I have been the only one who was truly happy. I have begun to think that no matter what I would have done over the past 4 months that nothing would have worked. We interacted like a new couple. I am completely different in almost every way, but nothing is enough. I still occasionally have difficulty with some past issues between us and only recently really forgave her infidelity. These issues I know made our life somewhat difficult, but I just can't see how they could be a marriage ending occurance when so very, very much progress has been made. She absolutely says that there is no other man.

Anyway, she wants a divorce and nothing is going to stop her. She was very kind and understanding last night when we talked for the first time, really since she told me she wanted out. She is being almost overly considerate and I am not sure why. Maybe she cares for me but does not love me. I know that she doesn't want to hurt me, but she knows she is. We have two boys and she thinks this will be hard, but good for them. She says she thinks they won't be surprised. They are 9 and 5. I think she is wrong, and they will be devestated, but she just believes what she want and goes on.

I love her, but this is killing me. I don't know how to separate her from my life. She has been a major contributor in my life and one of the main reasons behind about everything I have done. I went to medical school not only because I could, but also because I wanted us to have a life that neither of us had growing up so poor. But now that I am finished, she just wants out.

When I tell her I don't understand, she becomes indignant and says "How could you not understand?"!! I am sorry, I wish I could hate her, but I can't.

We are going to try to mediate and I think that we will be able to just fine. I hope that we can have a good life after this.

But how do you split from someone that you love so much? How do you tolerate the pain and lonliness? How do you look into your childrens' eyes and tell them you failed in your responsibilities as a father? How do you teach your children how to be a good father when you only see them 3 and a half days a week? How do you trust that there may be someone out there that could love you again?

I just want to run and hide.

Confused,
I had to respond to your thread because I,like so many of us on these boards know your pain and know how you feel.
I can't give you any answers to your questions at this stage because I'm in the last stages of my "D"... I wish I could.
I too, have, had, and still am experiencing much of what you are experiencing.
There are a lot of good people here, so you have come to the right place.
Try to read as many of the forums and books as you can that they have available on this site as well.
It will help you in your healing process.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

OK, this may or may not apply, but...

The happier you "make" someone, the more power you have over that person. The reason: you can stop doing whatever you are doing. Thus, the happiness is tinged with anxiety. When trust issues come into play (e.g. when current behavior does not match previous behavior, suggesting the possibility of a relapse), the anxiety is heightened.

Recognizing and fearing that power, a "happy" spouse may choose to sabotage or abandon her marriage. By doing so, she establishes and asserts her own control over the relationship. "Do unto others before it is done unto you."

True happiness comes from within, from being secure in oneself and liking oneself. With that kind of happiness, being loved is no threat; it is all good. Without that kind of happiness, especially when self-doubt is strong (e.g. "If he really knew me, he wouldn't love me; so I can't let him get too close...") the need for safety can easily outweigh all other needs and desires.

It's a terrible thing to see someone throw away her heart's greatest desire, "simply" because she thinks it's too good to be real.

By the way, in my book you haven't failed until you stop trying...

CCB,

Many of us have been where you are. It hurts like crazy and it isnt fair, isnt right and I might add, isnt always all that it seems.

You have come to the right place, read the MB principals and apply them. It sounds as though you have attempted a great plan A. I would also suggest you set up an appointment with one of the counselors - they do a great job and can help you on where to go from here.

I too have a W -WW now X as of July 2 and was feeling a lot like you describe. The pain is worse than you can put into words. I know you feel betrayed and lost right now and so struck out of the blue. When you married, in your heart the two of you became one and it is hard to fathom how to separate things and even if you do, how much of you will be left. You married for life and although you have made mistakes you are a teachable man and willing to do what it takes to correct what is wrong if given the opportunity.

What you are feeling is natural and it is one of the reasons "God hates divorce" Your children are another reason - no they will not be ok. Mine aren't and no one elses go unscathed.

I am going to be a little bold here based on what you have written I would not be too quick to dismiss the possibility that your W is having an A. Sounds like she has had at least one in the past. Also, some of the things she has told you are classic. I think you already have that uneasy feeling about it, don't just disregard it. A WW will lie and decieve like crazy to throw you off the track, I know. You might be surprised at what you find if you keep your eyes open.

Suggestions

Read the Harleys books
Read Love must be Tough by Dobson - they tell you why your spouse says and does such things when and A is going on and how to deal with it.
Gather a support group of godly men around you to help you deal with this
Talk to a trusted counselor
Look into antidepressents - you will probably need them.
Read your Bible and pray - ask for God's help, he will never abandon you!

You can and will get through this no matter what the outcome ends up being. Trust in God read everything you can and stay strong. If you apear too needy that just adds to your unlovability.

There are a couple other resources that helped me through this on is the Smalleys. They hold marriage retreats to help counsel couples and have a good success rate if you can get your W to go - http://smalley.gospelcom.net/enews/mew44.html

Also, www.afclive.com run by Dr. Gary Rosberg and his wife. Their mission is to divorce proof America and they have a radio show where they take live call ins from accross the country. I think you can find out if a local station near you carries their program. If not let me know where you are and I will tell you what station.

This link is for an online bible search engine. You might find it usefull. http://bible.gospelcom.net/

Also, find a local Christian radio station to listen to. You will be hurt by many of the mainstream songs and TV shows content if you are anything like me. A christian station is much more positive and focuses more on the real reason we are here - which is to worship Him and to help others in his name.

Finally, watch for opportunities to help others and take your mind off of your own pain.

Best of luck and if I can do anything for you please let me know.

JC

Thank you all so much. You really do have an idea of what I am going through. I knew that I wasn't alone, but I still feel so alone. I just can't understand why any sane person would do this at this stage of our lives. I have been an [censored] that is for sure. Not meaning to be, but I was a poor steward of our marriage and it just kills me now to think about what we can have. The last four months have been absolutely blessed. Even with our problems, we were absolutely "acting" like we were on the right track. I was, but she apparantly was not. I almost wish she was having an affair, then I could be angry and leave easier. But we have had such a good time since I recognized how badly we were doing previously.

I do wonder whether she merely has been waiting for me to fail so she could leave with a clear conscience. I have no idea. She acts as though she has been miserable for ever, but has not been acting like she was. She has not changed nearly to the degree that I have. I used to get mad when I was hurt by her. Therefore, she could look at me and say I was the bad guy and thateverything was all my fault. Now I calmly talk to her and point out what I feel like, and she no longer has that power to say that it is all my fault. I know that she has issues with several things in her life, but she said about 6 months ago that she was happy with who she is and felt like she didn't need to change very much.

Well, her entire family is divorced or alcoholic. A recent visit with her newly divorced sister occured during the incident which made her want to quit. I think that she has no place to turn to see that we can have a great life other than me. And she doesn't trust me. Her sister said that our marriage wasn't normal. Well no, it absolutely isn't. Normal marriages don't have doctors hours. Normal marriages don't have to deal with infidelity. Normal marriages don't have one sided changes when both sides need to change in order to survive and flourish.

I love her and know that we could have a wonderful life if she would continue trying. If she would look to God for forgiveness and forgive herself then I think she could accept my love and forgiveness. But, I guess that I am not even sure any more whether she loves me or not. I just wish I could become absolutely convinced that this was necessary so that I could put my head down and go through it. I just have such difficulty in trying to understand.

Thanks for your prayers and support. I have a feeling you will be seeing alot of me over the coming months.

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: Confused & can't believe ]</small>

Dear Confused: I really sympathize with your pain and what you are going through. I was where you are now six months ago. I thought my stbxh and I were doing fine and then wham, I find out he's having an A and wants a divorce.

I don't think you have failed your family at all. It sounds like your W is failing the family. Maybe you should just let her go for now; let her find her way and see how good she had it with you and maybe she will come back. In the meantime, be good to yourself. Don't beat yourself up with "what ifs". Emotionally, it is going to be real hard and ultimately you have to go through it in order to heal. It shows you are a good, caring person that you have these feelings. Only a cruel, uncaring hard-hearted person would not have these emotions.

I take one day at a time; sometimes one hour at a time. When I found this site and realized that other people were going through the exact same emotions, I didn't feel so lonely and knew I would get through this too, as others have.

Hang in there, keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We all care. Chin up!!!