I am having a bad night tonight. Sitting here thinking about everything. I have posted my situation in "I am joining group". But basically, my H and I are separated (literally by 600 miles)and we are not divorced yet, but I have hired a lawyer already. He has had frequent contact with another woman, but I can't prove that they are involved, but I have my suspicions. He says they are just friends of course. See post "Do close friendships count as cheating". After I confronted him about the frequent phone calls to and from her, (I have the ability to monitor his calls on online cell phone account), he still talked to her. I confronted him again, now here is the thing that is upsetting me. Now most of his calls are using a phone card, so I have no idea what number or who he is calling. It is a clever way to keep me from monitoring his calls, but it is pissing me off. He wants the kids and I to drive to visit him tomorrow and I have already told him we would come, but I really feel that he is still hiding things from me and that I am being used by him to get what he wants (to see his kids and for me to bring him things he needs from the house) I must be a glutton for punishment, because I keep giving in to him. I hate myself for it, but I keep doing it. I can't back out now, because we are already packed and the kids are so excited to see him, so I have to go, but I am depressed, because I feel that he is trying to have his cake and eat it too and I am spoon feeding it to him. I can't prove that he has had a recent affair, but the phone calls to and especially from this woman seem very suspicious to me, but without proof, I just look crazy and jealous. Lord help me. I am so tired of crying. Why can't he just do the right thing, why does he keep putting me through this? Why is he using the phone cards so much? I think I know the answers, I just don't want to come to terms with them. I am sorry if I am depressing everyone, I told you I was having a bad night. Pray for me and my trip tomorrow, I will need all the help I can get to control my emotions during this visit. I think this will be the last one, from now on if he wants to see his kids, he is going to have to make the effort to get here or meet me half way and take them back with him, so I don't have to be around him anymore. Thanks for listening (or I guess reading), God Bless.