Recently my husband finally told me what was bothering him and what has been bothering him for the last 2 years of our marriage. He has decided that I am no longer "enough" for him, that he wants more from life and more from our marriage.<P>He said in the beginning he just wanted it to be me and him, so stupidly I gave him that..ignored my friends, spent all my time with him. Now he says he wants friends of his own, he wants to do his own thing now..he's not sure if there is room for me in his new life but he doesn't want to leave me. He says we fight too much (mostly becasue he has had 2 EA since our marriage 3 1/2 years ago). He says he's just not sure what he wants, but now suddenly things about me annoy him more and then to top it off, he says he just doesn't have those "feelings" he used to have. He says he loves me the same as he always has, but that he no longer feels joy and pleasure when he thinks about me!!!<P>Can anyone relate to this? I'm completely lost as to what he is trying to say. Sometimes he'll say he can't explain his feelings and he doesn't want to hurt me, but it's possible he may decide he has no place for me in his future.<P>Here is the clincher...I just had a baby 4 weeks ago!! This started as soon as I got home from the hospital! We both wanted this baby for years!!! I now realize he was just going along with it....<P>He also told me if I had male friends it would not bother him, even if he didn't know about these male friends it would not bother him!!! He says he doesn't have the energy to worry about whether or not I have private friendships with men.<P>How many husbands who truly love their wives can say that? <P>Please someone, help me....

Windy, your story is very familiar. My spouse used many of the same lines. As I have read the stories posted by others here, they all are hearing the standard excuses. "I don't love you like I used too" was one I heard often. A child often triggers such responses, however that child can be part of what keeps a marriage together. I often heard the "we fight all the time" statement. What my H failed to comprehend is that the fights were about his affairs. Are you familiar with "Plan A"? It is a very helpful plan to follow in that it helps you to regain your dignity and deal with the hurt. I did not visit MB until I had been "going through" my pain for several years. I found it so very helpful to know that my situation was fairly normal. Keep posting, venting, and know that the people here are very supportive. My H wanted his cake and to eat it too. That is not too uncommon, just impossible-at least long term. You asked if your husband could possible love you and feel the way he says he feels. Yes, he can....he is just very confused and believe it or not, he is probably hurting too. Infidelity hurts more that just the betrayed spouses, it hurts the OP's, the spouses, the children and the families. Most spouses do come out of this fog and realize what they have done, eventually. I will pray for you.

One day, thank you for your reply<P>What you said makes so much sense! When you said your fights were about his affairs,that is what we have fought about too!! I just couldn't understand why he couldn't see that! ANd yes, it also appears that he wants his cake and eat it too. I am starting to really believe he is confused and is hurting too. I know that he is dealing with a lot of guilt from his relationships.<P>But...one thing he said to me yesterday I still don't understand. Maybe you could put it into perspective for me. I asked him if I had done what he had done (the secret friendships and EA) how would he feel? He said he coudln't answer but that it probably wouldn't bother him! <P>Do you mind if I ask where things stand with you and your spouse now? Did the Plan A work for you? <P>I AM trying to plan A. I have to work on myself and I realize that,otherwise I have nothing to offer him or anybody else.<P><BR>Thanks!<P>WIndy

Dear Windy,<P>Your story is so familiar to me, my H used to tell me that he loves me but he is not "in love with me anymore", those statements really hurt because they made me feel insecure about myself.<BR>But be faithful! Beside all of that i decided to Plan Aing and i am doing so now for about 7 months and it seems it is working!!!. My H still lives with us (i have a 1 year old baby) and is changing his attitude to us (he was always working so late, maybe for not seeing me or talking with me). Plan A is hard, but keep on it. It is a good sign that your H doesn't want to leave your home, because inside him is where he wants to be.<BR>Pray a lot, i did all this progress because i let the Lord arrage my marriage.<BR>And onedayatatime is right a child can keep you together more than anything, so do not waste your time and begin Plan Aing there is always hope for those who once loved eachother so much.<P>Keep us posted.

Windy:<BR>The words "you are not enough anymore, I want more from life, I love you but I,m not in love with you", are very familiar to me. My husband has had 4 affairs, 2 emotional and 2 physical. We have 2 children and the affair, before his current one, resulted in a baby, which isn't born yet. He has been searching for that "in love" feeling that will last forever, but all mature people know that those feelings fade. So he goes from woman to woman searching for this unattainable dream. We, too, fought over his lies and deceitfulness and mainly over his affairs. He would say I kept bringing up the past but he wouldn't let me forget by letting me find pictures of them, letters, & childish little notes they would leave each other. He had me totally confused and I began to wonder if I was going mad.<BR>I think my husband wanted me, yet he wanted the excitement of these other women. He found out he couldn't have both and now he is living with a woman other than the one who is pregnant.<BR>I feel so bad for you because you've just had a baby and you really need him right now. Your emotions are probably running wild. It's difficult to care for a baby alone. Does he help at all?<BR>He is wanting you to have male friends so it will ease his conscience. My husband said the same thing. He wanted me to look up an old flame from before we were married even though the old flame was married to someone else. He wanted me to try to get involved with him. This would ease his conscience. I was disgusted by the idea. My mom always said, "two wrongs don't make a right!"<BR>Do you read? A book that helped me was "Love must be tough!" by James Dobson. Maybe this might help you. <BR>I will keep you in my prayers! Good luck!<BR>Downhearted <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He also told me if I had male friends it would not bother him, even if he didn't know about these male friends it would not bother him!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This should tell you something! I would say because he has female friend(s) and doesn't want you to know/worry about it!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Windy,<BR>Congratulations on your new baby! <P>I can relate to your post:<BR>"he says he just doesn't have those "feelings" he used to have." <P>Those "feelings" fade in every marriage.<P>"he doesn't want to hurt me, but it's possible he may decide he has no place for me in his future."<P>Close, similar. Last summer my H told me that he cares for me, but doesn't love me "that way" and "I don't want to live with you for always. I want to live by myself when [son] is grown. You can keep the house, I'll rent an apartment." <P>We also fought for months after D-day, all about his EA with this OW (his "BestFriend").<P>I tried to get him to put himself in my shoes. He said it wouldn't bother him if I were very close to other men. [this is easy for him to say because it isn't remotely possible; I wouldn't put our marriage in further jeopardy than it is now, nor would I want to retaliate with an affair or put myself into a tempting situation] <P>It's easy to say something wouldn't bother you when you aren't living with it. Or when the possibility isn't even remote. <P>Read Plan A, and see if you can find a counselor. The Harleys counsel folks.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited July 15, 2000).]

OneDay<P>I agree with you that our husbands can say those things and yet really do love us. As time goes on, I am trying to develop my own person again so that if he should choose to leave, I guess I will be strong enough to handle it. Not exactly sure all of what is involved in Plan A, but I am trying to be respectful towards him, I just don't feel very loving right now. <P>Trapito, any advice about Plan A would be much appreciated.<P>Downhearted, I'm so sorry for the pain you are having to endure because of what your husband has done. If only they could tell us what it is they are searching for so that WE could give it to them. My husband particularly likes the attention other woman pay him...I don't know why but he has this very strong need to be wanted and desired! He doesn't see anything wrong with friends of the opposite sex and having a relationship with them that i don't know about or what goes on. I just don't agree with that.<P>Yes, he does help with the baby. Recently he switched to night shift so as to stay home with him in the daytime so that I could return to work and we could avoid daycare. <P>I also sense him distancing from me...I try to suggest things we can do together, but he doesn't appear interested. He just doesn't seem that interested in what I do in my spare or free time.<P>Chris, I believe you are right..I believe he is either carrying on with one right now, or is keeping that open for the future...i just don't know what to do about it.<P>Bellevue, maturity tells you that those "excited in love" feelings do fade, but it is replaced I feel by a trused love, or it should be anyway...a secure love with the desire to stay best friends and do fun things together too. Marriage is work! My husband told me he never expected his feeling to fade!! what?????? go figure! Yes, my h also knows I have no desire to seek male friendships...but the funny thing is that when we met I had a male friend and guess what? HE made me get rid of him!!! Figure that one too!???? At THAT time he was threatened, but now he isn't.<P>Thanks for all your help and advice. I'm going to look for that book too!<P>Windy