Hello all,

I've been reading the posts pretty regularly over the last week, and decided it was only fair to relate my story if I'm going to continue reading about your lives.

My first marriage ended very badly. My wife was continuing her MS, and I had finished my degrees and taken a job 2000 miles away. She agreed with the decision, and was supposed to be working to join me. Ultimately, she decided to have multiple affairs, didn't want to continue in our marriage, and we got divorced. It was a real scarring experience, as I'm guessing many of you know from your postings (I walked into my house as a surprise and found condom wrappers on my side of the bed... they weren't mine).

Anyway, after awhile I met this great woman and started having a relationship with her. We ultimately moved in together and had a child, but I continued to hold something back of myself; terrified of being messed over again. After we were together for a couple of years, she began to push for getting married. I told her I wasn't sure if she was really ready for it, and kept working on my own insecurities. Finally, I decided I was ready and asked her to marry me. She accepted, and nine months ago we had a wonderful ceremony, honeymoon, everything should have been great. I told her when she accepted that I was now giving her everything I had in me, and holding nothing back, and please don't hurt me. Sounds cheesy, I know. But, I was serious, I can't live through that again.

At any rate, three weeks ago she said she wasn't in love with me anymore, and moved out. She has made multiple statements about it being her not me, and all the things that made her unhappy. All of which, in typical engineer fashion, I countered with evidence to the contrary. For example, she said she had been feeling this for almost two years. However, two years ago she was constantly bringing up marriage. Granted, logic doesn't go very far in these situations, but it's my nature.

Our daughter is struggling with this as well. But I don't want to get into that part right now.

I've tried to resign myself to break off all contact, in hopes that she will come around. It does seem to bother her, but I have the feeling she is simply getting accustomed to not having me around or talking to me. She says she doesn't see that it is possible to fall in love with me again, but still doesn't seem sure if she wants a divorce. Of course, she just rented an apartment with a nine month lease. I stupidly gave her the deposit. I don't believe we were going to make any progress with her living at her folks' place. Incidently, her parents are great, and are very concerned. They want her to work on the marriage, instead of giving up. She has admitted to friends that this whole thing was a real surprise to me, because she never really expressed what she was feeling.

She's going to a counselor.

She denies any affair, but I there is some circumstantial support for that possibility.

So ultimately, my question is how many folks have successfully employed this break in communication with an unmotivated spouse?

Thank you for any help you can give.

LostAgain,

So ultimately, my question is how many folks have successfully employed this break in communication with an unmotivated spouse?

If you want to try to save your relationship, I would suggest that you read all that you can on this website. There is a wealth of knowlege and plenty of testimonies to go with it.

You may want to post this in Just Found Out, Plan A / B and / or General Questions. Genl Questions gets the most traffic and has a wide variety of people who post there.

Yes some marriages recover, some do not. In any case, like most of us who post on this board, we are grateful that we went through the MB process, doing plan A then if needed plan B. Even if the marriages did not work out, we feel that we have done all we could, our self esteem is greater, and we have a better sense of what it really takes to be a good healthy relationship. Plus we have worked through issues as best we could so we don't take as much baggage into the next relationship.

Marriage Builders is a great place to learne, to vent when needed, to jump for joy and to give and get support.

If you go to General Questions, check any post from SpaceCase as he has good references on the bottom. He is more computer literate than I am & has figured out how to do that!!!

God Bless,

D.

Hi LA,
sorry you are having problems with you M but you have come to the right spot for help. I also encourage you to read everything on this website and get the book Surviving an Affair, you can find it here at the bookstore. There is hope, most of us have been in your situation and have heard everything that your WS is telling you, see is in what they call the fog. It sounds as if you are very suspecious she is having an affair and based on my personal experience she may be. Regardless if she is or isn't you need to put a plan together to get her back and fix your marriage, not an easy task, it is a long hard road. In addition to reading everything that you can you need to take a look at why she left the marriage, read about the ENs (emotional needs) and take a real hard look at yourself and your married, my guess is that you probably were need meeting some of her ENs. When I first came to MB, I was blamming my W for leaving and having an A, I didn't think that had done anything wrong. While nothing you can do justifies your W having an A, if she really is, you need to see what you can do better. I know in my case I was not meeting many of my W ENs, this did not cause the A, but created an unhealthy enviornment.

I suggest that you start with Plan A, it is about becoming the best person that you can become, focus on the things that you can change while trying to meet your WS ENs, this is not an easy task. You will learn more about Plan A by reading the basic concepts here. I don't sugget that you start a Plan B or a Tough Love approach until you do Plan A for atleast 3 months. Keep posting and reading, you will get some great advise.
Thanks
Dave

I have been evaluating myself and my failure to meet some of her emotional needs since this mess started. My problem is that she doesn't want to work on the marriage. Initially, she would call frequently and just talk like we always have. She seemed to want me to stay her best friend, but not her husband. After talking to our marriage counselor, I have stopped giving my wife the emotional support that she had grown so accustomed to. I told her that when she decided to work on our relationship, I'd be there for her, but when she says she doesn't want to "fix" the marriage, she gave up her right to that support. She said ok, but seems visibily irritated when I see her and won't talk to her about how life is going. I would really like to start showing her that I'm ready to take care of her ENs, but she won't let me.

Right now my wife is seeing the MC by herself, but I'm thinking of calling and making an appointment so I can revisit this distancing approach. What do you think, should I go back to be emotionally supportive again?

LostAgain,
First of all I would like to say how sorry I am to hear of your situation.
Davepr, has given you some good advice, this site has a wealth of information as well as their bookstore.
You had mentioned that your wife did not want to get a "D". That is a good sign for the moment.
As Dave had mentioned, you need to start your Plan A as soon as possible.
I would not discount an "A" possibly going on. It has all the signs of one in process, so I would be on the lookout.
Hang in there and Plan A, it appears that your in for a good one if you want to try to save your "M".
Stay Strong!
Wallace

My wife called to tell me something (supposedly) regarding our daughter. We ended up talking for a while and she told me that she needed to tell me something (counselor told her to). She says she is not "seeing" anyone, but there is a male friend that she has been spending time with. I must be one of the world's biggest suckers.

Lost Again,
I will give you some advice. If you haven't read up on Plan A/Plan B on this site... I would advise you take a read.
It may help you decide which direction you may want to take concerning your situation.
Based on what I've read so far, I would begin a good Plan A.
If your "W" isn't in an "A", then she is probably headed in that direction real soon.
Don't expect your wife to admit to anything at this point.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

As I understand Plan A, it suggests that I spend some time working on myself and meeting her ENs. At this time, she doesn't want me to meet her ENs. I'm not allowed to even take her to dinner (although she seems to have had no problem accepting the cash from me to make the deposit on her apartment). I don't know how to act.

Now that you know that your wife has a male friend, if you give her any support finacially(other than for your child) you are basically financing her affair and condoning it. If they are't physical yet, you could appeal to her sense of conscience, remind her that until there is a divorce that she is your wife and not single.
I do not think it would be weird or unhealthy for you to confront her"friend" if you so choose. Or ask your wife what kind of man entertains a woman who has a decient husband that is more than willing to entertain his wife. His current behavior shows him to be a "player" not someone to get serious about. Whatever you say, DON"T BE AFRAID TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS. She probobly is having some fun with this friend. I don't think that you need to consider this a lovebuster at this time. You will be looking out for your family.She needs to realize what she is REALLY doing.If she she still wants to see him- she will.She may become angry at you for telling the truth, but LOVE DOES CONFRONT.Good luck.(I'm finally tired!)

Lost Again,

As I understand Plan A, it suggests that I spend some time working on myself and meeting her ENs. At this time, she doesn't want me to meet her ENs. I'm not allowed to even take her to dinner (although she seems to have had no problem accepting the cash from me to make the deposit on her apartment). I don't know how to act.

You can do plan A if you choose to, even if she won't let you (take her to dinner...)

My Wh told me he didn't want anything from me. Nothing. He wasn't living at home 99% of the time and He was 1200 miles away. Yet, I feel like I did a successfull plan A.

Steve Harley suggested that I fill out the EN & LB questionaires from my WH's point of view - how do I think he would have responded if he had answered them. I then began to do or not do those things whenever I was able to. WH began to notice the difference in me. I had several sessions with Steve Harley & he said that for the amount of contact that I had with WH, it was a good plan A. I felt WH was on his way back, but something else stronger was pulling on him.

That pull was drugs and OW heavily invloved with all of that. Once I found out about that, I pulled back don't pursue R anymore. I have decided to take this in a different direction.

BTW,"They" very rarely ever admit an A. It is hard to hear that & I was in denial (yes I knew on some level), but it took a while and help from some great people at MB for me to accept the fact that WH was having an A.

So take heart. Plan A is possible. The GQII section has more posts on plan A that you may want to look over.

God Bless,

D.

<small>[ July 20, 2002, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

I will do the worksheets as suggested. I'm normally a very together person, but right now I have no focus, no motivation for anything. I see her several times a week and would like the opportunity to show her that we can be happy together, again. It's very debilitating when she says she doesn't know if she wants it to work. If she just wanted it to work, I'm confident that it would. I miss her so much. I don't sleep much anymore, and last night was really bad. I wanted so much to roll over and put my arm around her. I don't understand how someone can give up without trying.

I can't believe it. She called me from the OM's home to talk to our daughter. Did she think I wouldn't figure out where she was? She was even watching a movie that I bought for her, with him. On top of that, I brought it to her today when I went to pick up our daughter. How am I supposed to make this work by myself?

Boy, this is not easy and you are in a lot of pain. Move emotionaly away from her and start protecting yourself. She is hurting you and you are letting it happen. It might be time to stop and as they say plan B. You need to do this and keep your distance. We all understand the pain everyone of us. It's like a ticket for admission but in this case its also a growing experiance. I realize the pain and I can feel it all the way here... But start putting a distance between you and her think of yourself and your child. DO NOT allow yourself to be hurt anymore. DO NOT give her any more STUFF. let her come around aand if not then see a good lawyer and just be prepared. Keep your chin up and start putting a distance beween the both of you. You are not alone.

LostAgain,
I agree with AdamS, you need to go into Plan B and seperate you and your daughter from this.
I suspected an "A" and for that I am truly sorry... I know how painful it is to have to deal with the situation you find yourself in.
DO NOT GIVE HER ANYMORE MONEY. If she wants to play, let her pay for it herself. Do not finance her life style.
Talk to an attorney and see what you can and can not do in order to protect yourself and your daughter at this point in time.
Plan B, let her see what life is like without you for awhile... it may snap her out of it.
Hang in there, patience is in order for the time being.
Stay Strong!
Wallace