I would like to talk to my STBXW before our final "D" court hearing.
She drove by me yesterday in her car while we were on the highway.
I would like to get her attention and see if we could talk. I'm not sure what I want to talk to her about, maybe just ask her how she is doing, if she is willing to talk to me at all.
We have not spoken to each other since she left our home a little over 3 months ago.
I am the BS and she may still have an active A going on, but I'm not sure.
Would like some advice and opinions on this.
Wallace

Hi Wallace: I think it might hurt you more to try and talk to her. Do you have any idea what you want to say to her? Do you want to try and get her to come back? It just might reopen old wounds that will have to heal all over again.

I felt the same way when I signed the final papers but it wouldn't have done any good, just made me more upset. I now go out of my way to avoid my stbx. He lives one street away from me and I can see his backyard from mine. I just can't face the hurt anymore so I am totally letting go. I realized that even when I pass him on the road it hurts; I actually start to shake.

Do what is in your heart and what you think is best but please be careful and take care of yourself and your emotions first and foremost.

Hey Wallace -
I'm back after taking a little break. I agree with Fingers I don't know if you want to put yourself through that again. I have a decent R with STBXH but still bothers me and my stomach starts rolling when we have conversations. Are you thinking that you want to reconcile? From what I read in your other posts you were done with her and moving on with your life. I don't see or talk my STBXH unless we have to discuss the pending DV or kids, etc. I drive out of my way so that I don't go by his apartment because I just get mad all over again every time I think about everything that he has done to me and our family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Maybe you just need to figure out why you want to talk to her about and as you have said before, follow your heart. I just don't want this to bring up all the old stuff that you have already worked through. Take care of yourself and do what is best for you.

Hi Wallace, I had to get a message to xw to call me 2 days ago to see if she wanted to fill out papers to drop older D 18 from CS she agreed to my surprize, now this was the first time in 2 months I've talked to her. I asked her how she was doing? she said fine. Ask how the girls were doing ? she said fine. Asked how her new job was going? she said fine. She was real short and defensive somewhat in her tone, then I said don't worry I'm not going to say anything negative to or about you. She thanks, the negetive talk is not necessary.

After I got off the phone I was kinda sneekering because she sounded like she was trying stand strong nothing going on and everything was going just great as always when she flaunted OM to me, but I know things are colapsing around her. She don't know I know her car will be repossessed any day now if she don't pay the late back payments.

So as you see she didn't open up, just same ol I'm having a good time without you,... but I know different and of course she's putting on a front as normal....so as you see I didn't gain anything other than the answer to my question, "she'll fill out the paper and thats, that.

I really feel sorry for her more than anything, in the past year, she's had her:

Water shut off 2 times
Phone shut off 4 times(currently off now)
Hundreds of dollars of car repairs on a brand new car.
3 credit card accounts default
Just more and more, stuff I don't even know about.
Now car is about to be repossessed.

But she said this is what she wanted and said if she was making a mistake let her handle it. So if you talk to your wife don't expect much you may be disappointed there mind isn't there as you remember.

I'm not really sure if I want to talk to her.
I would like to try to put some sort of closure on this whole mess.
I don't want to reconcile with her, I am done with her. I couldn't possibly put myself and my children through anymore pain due to her actions.
If I was to talk to her, I'm not really sure what I would say or could say to her.
When I saw her the other day driving by, it just brought up some real emotions in me that I thought I had buried/killed.
I don't think those emotions will ever truly go away... they may dwindle and fade... but go away for good... I'm not so sure.
That is why I thought I would get some opinions on this, because it has me in a confused state. I'm not fond of being confused.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Wallace,

Anything you want to say can be said in a letter. Write it all down, and save it to your pc. This is a letter that never needs to be sent, but it is there if ever you do decide to say what you want to her.

For me, I know I am going to write a 'closure' letter to stbx. It may never be sent, but I believe it will help me to get it out somehow. It is important to me. BTW, I will also be writing one to the OW, and that one may very well be sent, because I can be a vindictive b**** when I want to be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Love and light,

Jacky

Wallace: I know exactly what you mean about closure. That would be a good thing to ask on this board: Do you have closure and how did you get it? I think a letter like Nina suggested might be a good idea.

My stbxh and I drive past each other at least once a week. We never wave, it is just as if we are strangers. But when I see him it brings up a lot of emotions for me also.

It sounds like you really want to speak to your W. If you do, make sure you know what you are going to say to her. In May, when I heard my stbxh was ill and had been in the hospital, I sent him a short e-mail just telling him I hoped he was okay and if he wanted to talk to call me. I got a very unpleasant response. That episode set me back two months emotionally. So I decided that if he ever wanted to talk to me, he would have to come to me. I was never going to make myself vulnerable to him again. You have come so far, don't let yourself be hurt again.

Hi Wallace,
I know that you are now stong enough to face her and talk to her if that is what you desire. I am sure that you will have the butterflies in your stomach, etc, but that is to be expected. I don't think seeing her and talking to her is going to set you back, you have come too far and are now too stong. Yea, you might have a few bad day after talking with her but you are a much stonger person now than when you first came here and can handle this.

Will the emotions every go 100% away, no, they won't but they will continue to fade in time.

You need to decide if speaking to her is what you need to help bring some final closure to you, if this is what you need, then do it, you are stong enough to handle it but from knowing your situation, don't expect much from her, in fact, I would be surprised if she was willling to met with you.

Decide what you need to do for yourself and then put a plan together and do it.
Good luck,
Dave

I called X at work a couple of times about problems with our son. he screamed so loud on the phone I thought he would get fired. X then tells his lawyer another story why I was calling. For this reason I would write & keep a copy. Tried to talk a few months ago when he came to pick up our son, this time he told me he hated me and quit loving me a year ago. It hurt but at least I got the truth out of him, & can move forward with my life without him. You always wonder if there was something you could have done even though you know in your heart it is over. It helped me let go and find peace in my life. I would try to write & see if she responds, do not expect her to be friendly or the person you once knew. That person is gone. My X is so full of angry now it scares me. The truth hurts but it starts the healing process.

m-17 yrs 9 months
c-13, 27, 7 gd
H-42, W-48
D-5-23-02

OW-30
C-3 under 10
M-10 yrs
D-judge needs to sign

Hi Everybody,
First of all, I would like to thank all of you for giving me some good advice... it is very much appreciated.
I have decided that I am not going to talk to her. I really do not know what I would want to say to her first of all. So I don't really see any sense in speaking to her at this point.
Fingers... I think that you have a great idea about starting a thread concerning closure, and how did everyone bring closure to their marriage, or if they ever did. I know that you would like to bring closure to your situation such as I do. Let me know if your going to start a thread on it.
Is This A Bad Dream... Thank you for your words of wisdom. I did follow my heart on this one, as well as my Inner Voice. You keep hanging in there,and thank you for your heart felt advice.
EverlastingCompassion... After reading your post, I came to the conclusion that I too would probably hear the same type of conversation such as you posted. I felt that I didn't need or want to hear those same words... hence, I decided it was best to just let it all go.
Nina Too... I wrote a letter to my STBXW about 2 months ago. It was a letter to try to obtain closure on my "M". I sent it to my MIL since I have no idea where my STBXW is living or working. I never received a response. I didn't expect one from her, but it might have helped bring closure to my "M". I don't think I'm going to write anymore letters to her or anyone else associated with her. I think at this stage, it would all be for not. Thank you for responding, it is appreciated.
Dave... You know that I am strong enough to face her. The question comes down to, is she strong enough to face me? I personally don't believe she is strong enough. She knows all the damage she has done. That, in and and of itself was also the deciding factor of why it was not a good idea to communicate with her.
I do need to bring closure to this "M" for my own sanity, and to move forward with my life.
I thought that speaking with her one last time might accomplish that. I may never be able to do that. I am not going to initiate any coversation with her. I believe it in fact would be a pure waste of time after much thought and deliberation.
Again, thanks for the advice.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi Together,
You are correct... the person I once knew, loved, and married, is gone.
I think I will just live with the fact that my STBXW is someone that I choose not to be with... as they are no longer the person I once knew.
Even though I haven't spoken with her in over 3 months, I think it is just probably best to leave it as it is. I don't want to meet this person that my STBXW has become.
Stay Strong!
Wallace