Fingers and Wallace need to know: Did you have closure in your divorce? If so, how did you get your closure? If not, how are you coping without it?

No closure at all here, it is like trying a one handed hand shake, I am angry and upset that I was not able to have any type of closure, we have had almost no contact from day one that was 20 months ago, I keep moving forward, but the anger is still there.

What's closure?

I'm going to bump this up.
Thanks Gnome and Jabber for your response.
I know that there is many of you out there that would like to vent or say something on this topic.
Come on all, lets hear from you, be it good, bad or indifferent.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

I'm bumping this up. I am also struggling with closure and I find that I am very bitter lately. We haven't had the final papers filed yet but just when I think things are getting better it only gets worse. Was informed by STBXH yesterday that his company which I am an officer in is filing Chapter 7 Bankruptcy and therefore we as officers have to file Chapter 7 as well. This is told to me after I have paid off my credit card and the only bill that I have that is outstanding is the mortgage. I just can't seem to catch a break.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Will I find closure after the final papers are filed and the bankruptcy has been filed as well? I know that this bankruptcy is going to follow me for the next 6 years. How can he not expect me to be bitter? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Any insight/experience that you guys have on this would be helpful.
Thanks

Dream and others,
I don't have any experience in bankruptcy, but I did have my own business for many years. When my business fell on hard times and I had to close it down I was in a deep depression. It seemed no matter what I did my business was destined to fail. Instead of filing I choose to make payments on all my outstanding business debts. It's been 2 years and it will be another 3 before I see the light of day. Through it all though I realized that my business was a blessing. If it would had been sucessful I wouldn't have what I cherish the most, time with my family. Self employment and family do not mix well, something always suffers. In addition I landed a very good job with a sub-contractor I worked with for many years. I could not be happier with the path my career is taking. I also get to spend the time with my kids I always wanted.

Concerning closure, do we ever really get it? If my wife would had committed to our marriage and gave us a fair chance then maybe. I could live with us divorcing if we both gave it our best shot, but we didn't. I still have a lot of what if's that I deal with. We complimented each other very well. We made a great team. I never got the chance to prove this to her. She was and is hell bent on proving to the world she can make it on her own. Well, with a little help from her OM,"boy toy". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Closure for me will be self imposed. The day I don't care anymore will be the day I have closure. It will be a while, but it's coming.

My divorce should be final on Monday. As for closure....I kind of feel cheated (poor choice of words:)). I never got the chance to "save" my marriage and that frustrates me....it disappoints me....and it makes me feel like a failure! I am a winner and a strong competitor.....I know that I could have made this work....the pull of the OW was too strong and he get in way over his head.

I guess the good thing is that I won't have the divorce hanging ove my head....it will be done and that is one less worry for me. But then I am responsible for myself....and the house and the bills.....that's a little scarey!

Max

Closure - don't have it here. My stbxWH didn't really try with reconcillation. Did the counseling with the Harleys, and they both said he is not willing to try. Now realizing with the words he stated to me, that he was seeing how far I would bend, before I would crack. Did little things to see if I would fall for his gimmicks, and I did. Now realize they were tests to see if I would do anything, and be a doormat.

The WS gets it all, the fun with the OP, the sex with the OP, the money on the other person, destroying their family. My WH doesn't care about taking care of his kids, stated quite often, he is not responsible for 2 at home that are in college. But gives the oldest in her own apartment, money in her hand, pays for her rent, and truck payment. My stbxWH doesn't show remorse or guilt, just plain selfishness. Yes, I am upset, yes, I am realizing that life is not fair. But I know that my stbxWH will get his consequences, God sees all. Plus the judge will see all that my stbxWH has done illegally. Now WH wants to put my name on new account he opened, no way. Judge can see for himself, how WH is acting.

Venting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm bumping this up again. This is an important topic. It seems that none of us who have responded have closure.

My stbxh stopped speaking to me 6 months ago. He lives one street behind me and we work in the same field. Additionally, he just took on a high profile case in our area so now I see his name in the paper almost every day. And I pass him and/or his girlfriend on the road at least once a week.

I think closure would be a lot easier if I wasn't constantly having to see him or now see his name in the paper. I used to work in his office; I should be sharing the excitement of this case with him; I should be the one that is pregnant-not the OW.

Do you think our wayward spouses are struggling with closure or are they just going selfishly on their merry ways?

I talked with some friends of mine this weekend about closure.
None one of them have been able to bring closure to their "M".
They have all been "D" for about 8 years and they said they struggle with it all the time.
None have remarried, but they all have long time girl friends. They all indicated that they doubt they will ever remarry again... I found that interesting.
I know I would like to bring closure to my "M", but like all who have posted, I believe that in my case there will never be closure to my "M" as well.
I wonder if the WS's have any sort of closure before, during, or after they have the "A"?
Just a thought!
Stay Strong!
Wallace

I still can't figure out what "closure" might be...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:
<strong>I still can't figure out what "closure" might be...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm in the same boat as Gnome on this one, WHAT IS CLOSURE???

Though my faith, I have come to accept and forgive people for parts of my life. But being a flawed human, there are parts that shall stay with me til death, I'm sure...

I have accepted the fact that my marriage failed due to problems on both sides of the aisle. I guess I have closure on that issue..

Now I have not accepted the continual behavior of my X that is leading to the decline of my children's mental health and the immoral life lessons she is choosing to teach them.

So, if closure is actually being able to totally close that door behind you then, I will never have closure. With children around, there is always going to be issue's and along with those issue's there is always going to be thoughts of past wrongs.

I guess my bottom line is that, yes I have closure on my "Husband/Wife" relationship with my X, but the side effects will be everlasting.

What is closure?
Well Webster's Dictionary has approximately 4 types of definitions in my dictionary.
I'll use this definition #2: an act of closing: the condition of being closed.
I'll give you the definition in my case I think closure would apply.
Having the chapter of my "M" coming to a close with piece of mind. Freeing my mind of the pain and accepting all that has happened and moving forward with no regrets.
I have not reached that... and I'm not sure I ever will. I guess only time will tell.
Based on that... I'm curious, how each person dealt with closure in that sense.
I understand why there is some question to the question.
It is IMHO a very difficult aspect of what most of us are trying to find... if we ever find it... and if we don't find it, how is everybody dealing with not being able to find it.
For me,I believe that it is a very important process that we must deal with in order to heal, and move forward.
I'm open for any other opinions, as this is just my opinion and other opinions are most welcome.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace,

I agree with your definition. I think if you have kids it is going to be even harder to reach closure. I personally feel that I have let them down. I don't think that feeling will ever go away so I don't know if I will ever reach closure. I am the BH.

I have the feeling that my stbXW will be able to reach closure though. The fact that she could have A's during our relationship tells me that she never really cared about the outcome of our M. Therefore, she will be able to get over the fact that we are getting a D. At some point she may realize the grass isn't greener. Regardless of whether I have reached closure or not, I don't think I can ever go back to her. She has mentioned that it would be fun to date later after we get divorced. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Anyway, I think for the BS's out there, it will be much harder to reach closure than for those who did the wandering.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Wallace:
<strong>I'll give you the definition in my case I think closure would apply.

Having the chapter of my "M" coming to a close with piece of mind. Freeing my mind of the pain and accepting all that has happened and moving forward with no regrets.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I have closure on the narrow issue of no longer having a wife. I am at peace with the fact that I'm not married to her. I have accepted what has happened and I am moving on with no regrets.

However, if this were an oak tree, I only have closure on the trunk. There are many branches that still bear pain. There are leaves of regrets falling to the ground everyday.

So as I stated above, there are parts of my relationship to my X that will never have "closure". So I choose to deal with them through prayer. I deal with and agonize over only what I can control, which if things are broken down, there are very few things in this life that we can control. The rest I pray for, some stay with me a while and others float away in the breeze to His hands.

Closure - hmmmmmmmm. This is a toughy. I don't think we really ever have closure unless we and our X or STBX spouses really sit down and agree on the divorce. So with that said, here's what I'm feeling.

I may have not gotten closure, but I do feel at peace now with myself and my growth. I have to agree with Bill's analogy of the tree as well. There will always be certain times or circumstances that remind us of the time we were still married. I think that's part of our journey though, don't you?

I don't regret marrying my husband, I don't regret any of it. The things I regret are the things that I could control about me. So, now that I have recognized those things about me, I'm growing and learning more about myself. I'm learning what I can accept and not accept in future relationships. I'm learning how to stay true to myself no matter what situation I may be in - work, home, etc.

Along this journey of getting to know me alot better, I will be reminded of things in my marriage - places we've been, people we spent time with. Funny thing is, as awful as some of our stuff was, I'm only remembering the good stuff. That can be tough.

The hardest thing about all of this is I really feel that none of this had to be this way. I wonder sometimes why my husband didn't fight for me, didn't fight for our marriage. Did he want out? Was it about his pride? He still doesn't even know. This is where that lack of closure thing comes into play.

Maybe we will never really ever get closure, but we can forgive ourselves and our spouses and move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean understanding everything or having closure. It just means that you have come to peace with yourself and others.

I don't know about you all, but I don't want to harbor any bitterness anymore. It's not healthy. I want to live! I choose to be happy!

Llama

Bill,
The analogy of the oak tree was excellent... that really hit home for me.
Thanks for the post.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Wallace:
<strong>...I'll give you the definition in my case I think closure would apply.
Having the chapter of my "M" coming to a close with piece of mind. Freeing my mind of the pain and accepting all that has happened and moving forward with no regrets...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm afraid this doesn't help me much. Mostly, it raises more questions...

What is peace of mind? Can I have peace of mind and still have pain? I think the answer is "yes". My conscience is clear regarding my marriage, and I have peace about the road I am now on. But the pain remains.

What does it mean to accept what has happened? I believe that I understand what happened, and that I am not in denial about it. But I do not accept that "it's over." The end of the story is yet to be told.

What does it mean to move forward? Time marches on, and so how do you not move forward? Does it mean pursuing your own goals and interests without regard to your (ex-)spouse's needs and desires? Does it mean closing the door on reconciliation? I am pursuing my own goals and interests, but I am very consciously leaving the door open for reconciliation.

Hi Gnome,
I knew that you would post some words of wisdom concerning this... I just was not sure when.
Concerning the peace of mind aspect... unlike you I do not have a clear conscience. I could of done things differently during my "M".
I was not meeting my W's EN's as a constant companion, which she evidently needed... and for that I am guilty. The pain also remains with me as well.
I do not have peace of mind with the road I travel down now, as I am not sure where it is taking me.
I have come to accept what has happened and I am moving forward. Our sentiments are the same in that regard.
Thank you for sharing.
Stay Strong!
Wallace
Sorry for the spelling error peace/piece

I had a dream last night about my stbx. He knocked on my door and asked to come back and I said "no" and closed the door. That gave me closure.