Everyone knows that divorce is difficult; correction, it goes beyond difficult. It is heart wrenching, scary, and for some, is like throwing yourself out of a speeding train. I threw myself from the speeding train, desperately hoping that my decision to jump wouldn't ruin my live forever.

My 16 year marriage was to an emotional and verbally abusive spouse. After trying, pleading, and finally, begging for him to get help...he rufused. After all, all the problems of our marriage, including the depletion of the rain forest were my fault. I filed for divorce...my life became a nightmare. My ex tried to do everything in his power to ruin me financially and drag the divorce on until the courts demanded a trial. He did all he could do to poision the children against me and in an effort to hurt me, hurt them. Somehow, I survived. Somehow my two boys survived. I found a good paying job, bought a house, and thought the worst was over.

My ex's relationship with the boys worsened. He always found reasons not to see them on his "weekends." When he did see them, his time was spent bad mouthing me. The result of this is two confused and angry kids. The 16 year old has gone from honor roll to failing school and being defiant. He, like his father, has become verbally abusive. I have spent thousands and hours in doctors, psychologists, and special programs. The condition worsens. An incident happened a few weeks ago, and my son is now living with his father. My ex lets the child run wild.

I look at what is going on right now and I doubt if I have the energy to keep running up this never ending hill. I survived the separation, the divorce, the financial devestation...now I feel like I'm loosing my children as well. It is hard not to feel bitter. People say one day my children will understand. Abuse is a horrible thing...I endured it, put up with it for years. When I finally had the strength and courage to walk away...the damage was done. My boys learned disrespect is okay. It isn't. I just hope I can handle this too. I sometimes wonder why this bad stuff keeps happening. I have given up thinking my life will be blissfully happy...I will settle for no major crisis happening.

hugs to you HM,

my x is not quite as bad, and I have gone out of my way to not say bad things about my x . . . but the kids always like to take the easy way out. . and that is why i am hard on my kids, meaning i enforce very strict boundaries. . . .

however, sometimes the answer is, and you reminded me of it, that the behavior is genetic, and you are fighting an uphill battle no matter if you were married or not. . .

but in the end, tough love might be needed. . . and as sad as it is, that might be what it takes to the kids to actually get in trouble with their dad before they see the value in what you stand for. . .

and also, karma will get them, just not as fast as you would like. . . they will be struggling, and in the end, the will learn that they have to respect other human beings, or they will not get to keep any as friends or relatives. . .

just always do your best and realize that your only mistake was made a long time ago when you didn't know as much as you do now . . . forgive yourself for that. . . and just do the best you can with your time and space. . . i certainly knew something was wrong, but didn't realize how it would affect me or the kids because the words were always counter to the actions. . .

revisit my eternal truths and ponder on them for awhile . .

tom

Tom: Thank you for your words of wisdom. Sometimes, I think I know what needs to be done; I just need to hear it.

My younger son is okay 90% of the time. The older one is a definite candidate for the Tough Love approach. It has been hard, but I have kept my word and will not tolerate certain behaviors. I am grateful that he has not gotten into trouble or are there substance issues. I realize that as much as it hurts...some people will not learn any other way but the hard way. Thanks for listening.

HappyMac,

The kids learned to treat you with disrespect years ago..as did mine...I have had mine in counseling w/ the domestic support shelter..(the one here has a special group just for teens)

Have you read the book Boundaries?? If not, I'd recommend it, I'd also recommend the book Tough Love, because it sounds like the way things are going for your son, you will need to know how to love him tough...

It sounds like your son is crying out for his dad's approval and his love, he knows that you love him no matter how badly he treats you...You love him..
You've always been there for him...which is why it's going to get tougher..His actions now show he wants HIS DAD to discipline him and show him he loves him..no matter what..like mom does..and you did good in allowing him to go live with his dad, because you need to protect yourself..against that hurt..even if it is from your child..when you talk to him continue to let him know how much you love him..

As far as his failing..my daughter failed too, something that really helped for me, was to let her know that yes, I am disappointed in her, but it's okay, I still love her, and she'll just have to repeat the grade again, and that she hurt herself, and not me, because well, I've already completed that grade..and she's the one who has to go back next year and face all her friends from last year, not me..well, she was honor roll this past year..
she realized that her grades are HER responsibility not mine, and nobody elses..she realized that her teachers aren't going to play games, and give her more time to do the assignments anymore..It actually helped her self-image, and she felt more confident knowing she's the one who is responsible for HER GRADES..and she wants others to respect her..and she's earning that NOW..but she had to learn to suffer the consequences of her actions first..and until his dad allow's him to start suffering those consequences..it will only get worse..

So trust that you are doing everything within YOUR power to help him...but his dad will have to help teach him..(and who knows dad may change once son gets in more trouble) and nobody is there but him to keep bailing son out..and dad finally tires of it..you've bailed the boat out to many times alone..now it's his dad's turn..when he calls you
complaining..just say, I'm sorry your having such a rough time..and leave it at that...

Thorned Rose: I just ordered, Tough Love and have already read what I could from their Web site. You are right...my son needs to be responsible for what he does. I have had both kids to an adolescent psychiatrist...the older one to both psychologist and psychiatrist...anyway, thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it.

HappyMac,

Do you have any men friends whom you could ask to mentor your sons? Someone you trust from church,
a brother? anyone? someone you know who treat the women in their lives with respect who your son's can learn a different way of treating women??

I think that would make a great impact on them as well..yes they have learned from their father many bad habits and such, but they can also learn by watching other men that this is wrong..

I know that you said you've had them talk to different counselors, but have you had them talk to a domestic abuse type counselor, someone who deals with just this type of behavior? Maybe call your local shelter and ask if they have anything like a that for teenage boys...they have anger management classes that you can maybe get them into as well to help them learn new behaviors..

I'll keep you all in my prayers..