I have been so sad and confused over the past few weeks. My wife of 11 years recently told me she wanted to not be married any longer. I cause her too much pain, don't love you, etc..

Well, I have changed so much over the last 6 months that I recognize how bad I have been before. But now, I have learned how to love and show that love all over again and have been doing it for the last 6 months.

She wants out and just is done. I just finished my residency and will start making some real money in the next year or so. She crys and facetiously says that "I want to give her the beach house and the life of wealth." (we have nothing but potential, nothing to speak of now.) But when I ask her what I have ever done that made her think that I DIDN'T want to give that to her, she says that she knows that I do, but only as her husband.

I have thought alot about that and she is absolutely right. I understand that she put alot into our life and was supportive through medical school and residency, but I will be damned if I will give her all the things that a loving wife absolutely deserves, if she is refusing to BE my wife. I want so much to give her everything. She is asking for essentially nothing. She is worried about her student loans, but I have already told her I will take care of them.

I just am full of fury at what she is doing. I feel like she is sabatoging everything that we have worked for here at the last instant. I feel like she is beating herself down, like she is so ashamed that she can't face the fact that I love her and fogive her. Maybe she truly doesn't love me and so all this just doesn't matter, but I still have a hard time really believing that, maybe I am just egotistical.

I just see her pissing our lives away and I feel like I know I will land on my feet and feel totally guilty of it. I know that I will be financially sound. We always dreamed of having a beach home. Going on trips, etc. I worked so hard to give her all of those things, and now she wants them, just not with me. It is very hard for me to comprehend.

I feel like she is taking away everything that I have worked for and dreamed of. I feel like she has no sense about what she is doing and is completely loosing all sense of reality. My friends say let her go, she doesn't deserve you. But I love her so much, that it just kills me to see her like this, and understand how her life will be, when it could have been so much different. I guess, maybe she is truly so unhappy with us, that all the reality in the world doesn't make it better. That saddens me most of all.

AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<small>[ July 19, 2002, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: Confused & can't believe ]</small>

Confused: It's totally unexplainable what these spouses do to us. Is she is having an affair? Why else would she give everything up? It sounds like you two had a fabulous future to look forward to.

My stbxh and I were the same way. He is an attorney with a thriving business and I worked in his office. We were traveling, saving a bunch of money for retirement, we were buying real estate, we had it all and then "boom" he gets involved with one of his clients. I have since learned that he is having tremendous financial problems due to what he has done. It will just be a matter of time before your W wakes up but it may be too late if not already. Hopefully not.

It is so hard to understand why our spouses would give up everything. It is so true about them being in a fog. I don't think I will ever understand what happened and would drive myself crazy if I dwell on it. Hang in there. I wish I had answers for you but I am struggling with the same things.

Sometimes I just don't know what to say. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

(((((C&CB)))))

E

I hate that you are going through this but know exactly how you feel. Well maybe not exactly but at least I know how furious I felt at the thought of what my H of 12 years(together 17) was throwing away.

I went from I love you, please don't do this, I'll do any thing to "F*** you, you selfish **stard. And typically I would have never used that kind of language around him.

Sorry I wish I could help but just know you are not alone here.

Anger is normal and expected in our situation.

Have a good weekend.

PP