Well since all the plans for tonight went out the door last week with my wife's decision for divorce, I thought that I would post my day for you since she did not receive it as I had hoped.

I had been planning for several weeks, a special day for my wife, just to show her how much she meant to me. I will start from the morning and tell you how it was to go.

Morning, she always gets up and showers first thing. I wrote several letters to her to be read throughout the day, telling her different things about how I loved her. All of them are already written and sealed in envelopes. Today was the day of action, or at least was supposed to be.

This was what I had set up to happen today.
I had already given the letters to several of the people, and had already paid for the gifts and services. I was told last week that she no longer wanted to be married to me. So she never got to go on the journey I had planned for her.

I was going to tape the first letter to the mirror in the bathroom and on the outside it said not to read it until she had showered. Inside it explained that today, she was mine to do with as I saw fit. To follow the instructions that she was given exactly, throughout the day. Then it went on to talk about her eyes and how they made me feel. 2 pages of love about her eyes. Also instructions to go to Panera's for breakfast and ask for Jody at the counter by 9:30.

I had given Jody a letter to give to my wife when she showed up. It said to have breakfast and sit and read this letter. This letter was about her mind and how much it meant to me. What I thought about her, and what I loved about her thoughts. Then it said that she was to go to the Rajone beauty parlor and ask for Jenine by 10:30.

At Rajone, Jenine had a letter for her that she was to read during her manicure and pedicure. This letter was about her smile. It also gave her instructions to go to the Cheescake Factory at 1:00 and ask for the manager. He had a letter for her that told her to sit and have lunch and read this letter. This letter was about her Sense of Humor. It was 8 pages of things that we have done that have made me smile because of her humor. At the end it had instructions to go to the Le Fleur massage parlor by 2:30.

At Le Fleur, she was to ask for Monica who was to give her a massage and another letter. This was about her heart and how much she soothed me. It also said to go to Victoria's Secret at the mall by 4:00 and ask for Pauline.

Pauline had a wrapped box of lengerie that I had already bought my wife and another letter. This letter was to be read outside in Starbucks downstairs in the mall. It was about her body and how she thrilled me and excited me everytime I thought of her. How much I yearned to touch her and hold her. It also said to go to Parisian (a clothing store) and ask for Laura, in women's clothing.

At Parisian, Laura had a silky red dress size 2 that I had bought and had wrapped. She also had a letter that talked about her love and the happiness that she has brought to me with our children. How she was so beautiful and loving and warm. There was also a instructions to go to DSW footwear and ask for Shauna by 5:00.

Shauna had a pair of shoes that I had bought and a letter about my wife's career. She is a 4th grade teacher and she makes me very proud. It was the weirdest of the letters, but it meant alot to me, because she has often felt backseat to my career and I have never thought of hers as such.
She also had a letter to go home and get dressed and await further instructions. Also to check the refrigerator and have a glass of Champaigne I had left chilling there.

I had a limo rented that was to pick her up at 6:30 and take her downtown to Dunaways, one of our favorite restaraunts. In the limo was a letter about my love for her and how everything that I was about was for her. This letter took me about 4 hours to write and ended up being 11 pages long. At the restaraunt, I was going to be there in my suit, and we were going to have dinner and drinks late into the night. The limo would take us home and I was going to make love to her hoping to encompass all the love that I felt for her.

Oh God how I love that woman. Oh how I miss her, even though she is upstairs right now. I took this afternoon and reclaimed my letters from everyone and returned the gifts. It is so hard to love someone so much and be spurned and hurt by that person. I feel so bad. I can't believe that I could misread someone so badly that I thought that three weeks ago when I was planning all this, I thought that she would be telling her grandchildren about the day their Grandpa made her smile. Instead, I contacted an attorney this morning after her attorney told her I needed to get one.

This was a very hard day today. It hurt me in so many ways. Everytime I picked up a letter, you could see the sadness on the person's face who thought that a lucky woman would be picking it up, not a broken hearted husband.

I have a rule, I never drink when I feel like I need one. But I just might break that rule tonight.

That is about the saddest thing I think I've read here on this board. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. Actually, it sounds like it should have been a movie staring Meg Ryan. (size 2! dang)
But I suppose in the movies it would have worked out.

Did she learn of any of this? Maybe it's best that she didn't. My bet would be she hates hurting you and this would have just made it worse.

Hang in there. You WILL be loved again. With that kind of initiative, sincerity and compassion how can you not?

NDC

That was the saddest post, you are so romantic. Wish I was recepient of all the letters, and pampering. My stbxWH never did anything like that. You are a sweetheart, sorry it didn't work out. This is the hardest thing that could ever happen to you. Try to smile about something today. That is what I was told to do everyday, I did try, and you know what, today it is easier to smile. They told me it would get better, but it takes so longggg.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Confused, Why is this happenng to you. It might make sense for all here on the forum to know a bit more about you and why this is happening to you. I realize that this is all very painful but remain cool at all costs. Once the divorce starts you will notice a very big change in her attitude. How old are your children, you need to tell us more and is there a third person involved somewhere. What were the reasons for this. In any event you must remain strong and don't fall apart. Keep you chin up and always be a gentalmen. Let her see your world is not comming to an end and you are strong. Start reading everything here, this forum will see you through a dark tunnel ahead of you. Keep posting and reading. Be strong and cool for yourself and family.

The short version of my plight.

We have been married 11 years and have two wonderful boys ages 9 and 5. We both grew up very poor. She in a divorced single mother family, me with both parents and loving grandparents.

We met when we were in college. I was a carryout and she was a checker at the local grocery. We married about 3 years after meeting. I got into medical school so we moved from our small town to the city. Then me residency required us to move to another state, far from our home. All told, my education has been going on for 10 years since my entrance into medical school.

During residency, I worked several jobs in order to make ends meet. Most of these obviously took me away from my home, sometimes for 24hours as I worked over the weekend on Saturday in the ER. I became distant and tired. I did not show the love and respect that I had in my heart. I was not nurturing and kind, but often times forceful and demanding with my family. I had such limited time with them, but did not use that time wisely. I was essentially an [censored]. I never tried to be and never recognized that I was, but looking back on myself, I have been less than good to both my wife and my children.

I was never hateful or abusive, but I did not SHOW the love that I felt. Over the course of the last year and a half, looking back, I can see how my wife was growing more distant. Going out with single friends, etc. much more. I was always completely trusting and thought that she just needed to socialize more than I did. I was head down trying to get through residency so that we could have a good life afterward. I truly thought that I was showing my love, everytime I left at 4 in the morning to earn a living. She apparently did not see it the same way. We had difficulty communicating our feelings as well, and I would tend to just get angry when I was hurt so she felt that everything that occurred was due to me rather than that she had any part in it.

Anyway, this January I found that she was having at least an EA. I was shocked and completely reevaluated myself and our marriage. I saw how I had been and how much she meant to me and embarked on a new life almost instantly. I read everything I could find. I started medication, gave up my fellowship,(literally the best place in the world for what I was going to do.)I started putting her and my boys first. I quit a job and started loving life. She wanted nothing to do with it. She wanted a divorce.

The day I was to move out, I found out that she had a PA with a guy she met over the internet. I confronted her and after two days of heartbreak, she asked me to take her back. It took me about 30 seconds to realize how much I loved her and our family and we started working on us both in earnest. At least I thought we were. I don't think she really did anything to change herself other than NOT run around anymore.

For the last 4 months I have felt like I was in heaven. We had some bumps and I had a lot of difficulty forgiving her betrayal, but things were better and better. I was doing everything plus some to show her my love. I was loving everything that I was doing and the apparent effects it was having on her. I had changed my entire life and way I viewed things and felt so wonderful. I still had some problems however and occasionally my emotions would get the best of me in a new situation. Occassionally, like once a month or so, something would happen that I would not handle well. I would almost always immediately recognize the situation for what it was and fix my behavior, but she would feel totally scared and say that "I just don't know".

Well, we have been going to counseling for 6 months and we were doing so well that we went a couple of times and really had nothing to discuss. But this last time that I chose poorly, was when her recently divorced sister was here. She called my wife and started saying 'Your family isn't normal" and "I am afraid he will use your history to take the boys." Etc. My wife says that she didn't plant any seeds, but just solidified what she had been feeling all along.
She doesn't think we have a normal relationship. She doesn't think it is healthy.

She says that she never thought we could be so happy. She never thought that I could change so much. But she just sees no hope in ever having happiness. I don't know whether she hasn't loved me for a long while, whether she loves me still, whether she feels so guilty about what she did that she doesn't think that I can ever truly forgive her and doesn't want to keep reliving the pain and guilt. I don't KNOW anything except I have so much love and forgivness for that womean and it makes no difference. She wants a divorce and refuses to even attempt to work out any problems.

I have asked her to continue counseling with me, but she says only to work out the details with the kids. I have asked her to go to religious counseling with me, but she wasys that she doesn't want to "air this stuff" to a bunch of strangers. She is just absolutely unwilling to allow anything to enter her life that could even remotely change her mind. She says she feels better about this decision than anything she has made in the past ten years.

She has even gone so far as to say that she feels that this will be good for our children. I love her and know that if she wanted to try, that we could work this out. We were doing so well. It took her two weeks of "thinking" to decide that she didn't want to be married anymore. During that two weeks she told me she loved me everyday. Now she refuses almost to speak to me, with nothing other than 'voicing her decision of divorce to me' as being different. I have asked her if she loves me and she says in a round about way "No". But I am not sure whether I believe her. Maybe I am just egotistical.

Anyway, she is very cordial and nice when we discuss the divorce. She crys some when we discuss it. It is like she doesn't really want it, but has already gone too far to stop it. She contacted a lawyer who told her we should just mediate. I am ok with that. I don't want the divorce. I have found a renewed life in her and want to protect her and grow our love. I know that with her help, that we could make the strongest marriage ever built, but one man cannot make a marriage no matter how much I want it. She absolutely denies another man in her life and I believe her.

We will split the boys 50/50 in everything. She is very agreeable. I have other posts that say more and have very different emotions. If nothing else, I am very labile in my emotions. I went to bed very angry with her and ready to walk out the door and I awakened and I just wanted to go into her room and cuddle. I love her so much that this is just killing me. I can see the happiness that our family and WE could have, but she just sees nothing of it.

I wish that she would agree to separate for a while and try to see if there is anything left. But she just says that it will just prolong the inevitable and then we would have to go through this all over again. She can't see that we loose nothing by trying and everything by giving up.

Any help, thoughts, encouragement is greatly appreciated. I know that I can make it through this, but I still cannot see why our family should be blasted apart by it. I wish she could find God and allow him to help heal her. She is at church right now. I bet this is the first time she has EVER gone without me, much less completely alone. I still hope, but I am afraid that if anything ever happens it will be too late.

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: Confused & can't believe ]</small>