I have been married for just under a year now. We got married just before finding out that I was going to have a child. We met each other at work, I was looking for a change in my life and so I applied for a job in an office selling telcom products from bussiness to bussiness. He was the sales trainer and he helped me a great deal, even through the times that I thought of just quiting. As time went on (about 4 to 6 months) I found myself thinking about him all the time. I really wanted to go to dinner with him and just enjoy his company, One day he asked the group of people I was sitting with if we were going to go to a birthday party for one of the other employees and I couldn't wait to hear if he was going to go, you see he never attended the employee's informal outing after work but because this employee had been in managment in the recent past all the managers and such were going and so was he. I couldn't wait to get there. I walked in and looked for him right away. He had gotten there a bit earlier than I and admitted he had been waiting for me as well. We chatted with others for a while and then played some pool and before long we broke away and went to a different place to talk and have a date of our own. It was wonderful. I new I was falling in love with him but I didn't want to scare him away. We kissed that night for the first time and we haven't been apart ever since. wow.. it was scary and great all at the same time. We both knew we were moving very fast but laid down ground rules that kept us going in the right direction, but I broke some of those rules because of my fear of of lossing him and having to explain to my mother about him and I living together. I told him to never tell my family about us living together. You really have to know my mother to trully understand, She would have disowned me and never speak to me again if she had found out, well the affect of me making him promise to not let my family know would have a great negitive impact on our relationship as the months went by. Every time we would be around my family (which was offen) he would have to bite his tounge or lie about something in-order to keep the promise. He would ask me over and over to consider telling my mom because he said if would now be even worse and the longer we waited the worse it would be. He never wanted to lie to them and it caused them to not like or trust him because they could tell he wasn't telling the truth. Well that was one thing, then there is the part where I was afraid to tell him everything about my past as in pertained to men, One day he asked me if I had had a relationship with a guy that I had and yet I told him no. My husband never seemed to let that go, he would ask questions and then later more questions until I would forget what I said the first time, yet I still told him he was wrong and that he should stop abusing me this was, He backed off but then a few other things I hadn't told him came out with out my telling him first and he lost alot of the trust for me that we had to start with. Well started fighting alot and then never really fix anything just forgive and forget but he would never let things go, he would say "you can't just forget your problems away." We had plenty of great times along the way but then the company we were working for ran into major money problems because a investment parternship gone bad and we had to be laid off for away, he wanted us to go on unemployment saying we would beable to relax for awhile and work on him and I, do some of the things we needed to do and really connect with each other. I didn't agree I wanted to go to work for my step father and make some extra cash that way but he disagreed, I had resentments but only vioced them in sutle ways, We did end up going back to the company and working for half the pay under the table but still got money from unemployment too. I didn't like that period of our life. none the less we made it though and then one day we were walking into the office and the owner calls us into his and tells us he was letting us go because he found that my husband has been looking at some of the owners e-mails. wow, so we both left. To my husbands credit, he had put his soul into that company and what happened wasn't right at all. well after that I started working as a waitress again because we needed money and my husband pritty much just sat around saying he was depressed and had no energy, he stopped looking hard for a job and to me seemed to have high exspectations that he wouldn't lower. He did end up going to work as a car sales men but that only lasted a few months and then he spent the next five months, half hartedly looking for something, We were fighting alot by now and I was pregent and working on my feet pulling bown 6 to 8 shifts a week, He would do some of the house work but not nearly enough. I couldn't take it any more, and so we had another major blow up and I kicked him out until he came to his senses and could understand I needed help and he wasnt giving it to me. He went out and got a job at another dealership selling cars and things seemed to be ok for a while. He also had stoped drinking and that made me happy, I used to drink before I found out I was pregnent and smoked too but quit both after we found out. I watched him smoke in the hallway of the apartment building we lived in because I wouldn't let him smoke in the house. I also told him it was ok to drink infront of me and never let him know that It did really bother me. we ended up having a major fight and the next day I went to my mother, This was a really big deal given the fact that my mother wants nothing more than for me to leave the @#$#$@% of a husband of mine (so she is right here for me to help that happen) When I left I made some phone calls and found out that my husband had been lieing to me about a few things in his past and it floored me, just floored me because he said he had gone to college for 6 years and owned not rented a house in boston, and come to find out he never even went to college at all and the house was a rental. I called him on the phone and blasted him and told him I would never speak to him ever again, Every time in the past that we talked about things I would assure him that I loved him and I would do what ever we had to in order to fix our problems, but now I felt devistated and then theres the family helping out... well he ended up becoming very depressed (so he says) and had his brother come the 13 hours from N.Y. to take him there, he had been there and I went down and got a seperation agreement and had no contact with him at all except that I would read his e-mails and never respond, He said he was in a derpression clinc and had not drank and is going to marriage counseling and every thing still I didn't delieve him and so one day as I was looking in his e-mail account(he kept the password the same so I could get in) I found an e-mail from a girl!!! and his reply said he was down on the beach playing music and drinking beer with his brother. I got very mad and sent him the first e-mail I had since we talked on the phone some 4 weeks earlier. I told him that I knew he was still lieing and that I was filing for a divorce and to not e-mail me anymore that I never read the crap he sent anyway, Which wasn't all to gether true. I did go down and file for a divorce and I also got a personal protection order on him because I didn't want to see or hear of talk to him, .... It's been two months since then and he still is sending emails but now its to his own account because of the ppo but he knows I read them sometimes. We have a almost four months old little girl that he hasn't seen since she was a month old and I never thought he would come back to michigan but he did, about two months ago, saying in an e-mail that he wasnt abanndoning his baby and was not dating someone else and that he had sent that e-mail to that account to make me jelous but it blow up on him instead, I have a heard time beliving anything he says, He keeps puting up e-mails that incourage me to goto counseling for myself and says that he is as well, he says he hasnt drank and even quit smoking, he says hes going to church and is tring to live the life we both talked about, after all that has happened and all the hurt, I still feel a very little bit of hope, and what about my family, I know if I ever do anything with him again they will disown me. I havent spoke with him or seen him in over two months so Even though I feel sad I dont know what to do. Should I give this marriage a chance and go to counseling? or let it go the way of the dinasor? I could have put alot more detail into this but I have a time restraint. I can't wait to read your reples,
hurting and confused.

First off, since this post is your third, welcome to MB, the web site about learning how to build successful marriages, and how to keep them that way. . .

Second, since you are confused about the direction of your marriage, you need to start out by reading the materials here, and learning the concepts. . . This site is not a site to come here to feel good about whatever decision you want to make, and expect to get support. . . some will, but that is not the goal of the MB site, which is to restore marriages and make them stronger. .

Now, since you asked, NO! and the biggest reason is that you would be selfish in putting your current unhappiness without alot of work towards having a successful marriage ahead of your child(ren). You owe them the most amount of effort you can about learning what a good marriage requires, and so that the next generation does not end up like yours, wanting instant gratification when life gets difficult, and looking for the easy way out. . . marriage is for good times and bad, sickness and health. . .

first off, read the materials here, and primarily concentrate on ELIMINATING LOVEBUSTERS! , and that will help tremendously. . . secondly, this area of the sight is for those who tried very hard to save their marriages and couldn't. . . explore other areas of the board and read up on other people's struggles to keep their marriages together, and find others who have succeeded, and try to learn what steps or changes in YOU would make your situation more encouraging for love to flourish, and remember, you can't change anyone else, or make anyone else love you . . .

wiftty

Dear Callalilly (one of my favorite flowers!),
Welcome to MB! What wiffty said above, read the site,etc--I agree with completely.

What also struck me was the feeling that your whole relationship feels like (to me anyway) is was built on a foundation of lies and hiding things, i.e., lying to your mother, sneaking to read each other's emails, etc. The first step in re-building the relationship would be to get completely honest with each other. Once that is done, you can decide if you can go forward. Your husband and you BOTH also need to let go of the past...so what if he RENTED a house, not owned? Does that really matter? Your past (both of you) before knowing each other is ancient history and unless it poses a health risk for one of you, should remain buried. We live in the today... yesterday is gone and tomorrow may not get here.

It is admirable that he wants to have a relationship with your daughter---there are SOME fathers that literally never inquire or see about their children.

Only you can decide whether or not you want to save your marriage but I think by asking the question you indicate that you do want to work on it. It will be hard work but it can be done. Good luck. Let us know how it's going.