My wife left in jan. Filed for divorce 3 days after leaving. No abuse or A's that I know of. She said the only reason she left was I never went anywhere with her and my son... I worked all the time, I am self employed so it is either feast of fammin. She couldn't understand why I had to work all the time, but she didn't mind spending money. If she was shopping she was fine.
WEll here is what I don't understand. I have been plan A'ing ever since she left. She continues to tell me that it is over and she has no feelings for me at all. She is very upset and angry at me, she doesn't trust me.. But then she will say I Will never say never. I can't tell you that we won't work things out or start over in a year or two, but I am not ready for that now. Ok is the marriage is over and she has no feelings for me, why am I the one who is having to push the divorce. She filed and that is it.. I asked for mediation she agreed, but when whe got there she told the mediator that she wasn't willing to except any of the marriage debt and she wanted half of the marriage property. Encluding my race car that I hand built over the last 5 years inwitch she never had any intrest in.. Her lawyer does not return my lawyers phone calls and they don't send papers that my lawyer asks for . Can anyone help me understand what is going on?
I know that the marriage is over with me anyway I could never take her back after what she has put my son and I threw, but why am i the one having to divorce her?

Thanks

^

can someone please respond on what they think is goin on in her mind.... PLEASE

Hi there,

Well if she is anything like my stbx, she is a conflict avoider, and has an inability to make the BIG decisions, preferring others to do the dirty work. That is if she TRULY wants a divorce.

I am in the same situation as you. My stbx is living with his OW and until I went to court to get settlement arrangements started, nothing was happening. I wanted to file for divorce too, but there is a loophole over here that prevents me from doing so until September. HE, on the other hand can file any time, but hasn't. Why? He wants ME to take care of it. No, he hasn't said that, but it is typical of him.

I am sorry no-one else replied to you, I am sure it is because it is the weekend....very slow.

Love and light,

Jacky

Need,
I too was self employed for many years. It put many stresses and strains on my family that I didn't realize until it was to late. I thought I was providing for my family, when all my family wanted was my time. I closed my business down and now I realize the damage it did. My wife is not without falt either. She is a conflict avoider, does not communicate her feelings and blamed me for everyting that was wrong in her life. When times were good she was happy when times were bad she deserted me. I call this the cinderella syndrome. Many woman are brought up to believe that someday Prince Charming will carry them away and they will never have to worry about money or not being happy. Well real life is not like that as most of us know. When Prince Charming falls of his horse he is responsible for all the problems in her eyes.

I've had to file for divorce also. I beleive that my wife doe not want to look like the "bad guy" so she didn't file. Her image is everything and filing from me would tarnish it. I'm a very devoted and loving family man and all her peers know this. Unfortunitly I'm not 23 like Boy toy, I have responsibilities and the party scene is not me anymore. My wife has done everything she can to get out of our marrriage except file. She has had multiple affairs and the last one forced me to file. I am not going to live with her horrible choices anymore. She either commits to us or we divorce. The papers are in her hands, it's her choice. I never wanted divorce, but I will not live another day the way things were.

I'm also having the same problem. My wife is also a conflict avoider.

I started an overseas job about 10 months ago, found out about the OM and that my wife felt the marriage was over about 8 months ago. The OM also appears to be a "Prince Charming" lot's of money.

One odd thing is I can't get anything sent to me, clothes or mail or anything, also can't get her to sign the seperation papers, I don't know what to make of it. You'd think she'd want to be rid of my stuff, and delighted to sign the paperwork. I don't think she's having second thoughts about ending the marriage, I was totally set up before I left, and instead of wearing the wedding ring I gave her, she's wearing a gold band he gave her. We have no contact, except when I call my daughter once a week, I don't even talk with her, except to thank her when I'm done speaking to my daughter....

I honestly don't know what to make of it...

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 03:32 AM: Message edited by: steve1 ]</small>

yes she avoided conflict. I never knew how unhappy she was until she left. When she acted like something was wrong she would always say nothing.. So i would drop it thinking if she wanted to talk she would.. Now she says that i never pushed the issue of wanting to know what was wrong. She also tells me that she feels like she has givin the marriage several trys and she doesn't see any other choice but to divorce. I responded and said you may have givin the marriage several tries but until now, I had no idea that you were so unhappy with everything. But you deserve to be happy. She tells me that she doesn't love me anymore and that she doesn't think the feelings will ever come back again, and that she doesn't want to work it out.. Her answer to working on the marriage is " why should ". Even though her mind is made up she has only filed. My lawyer has asked for several court dates and her lawyer always has a conflict. This has been going on now 6 months.. I have pushed and pushed but seem to be getting nowhere. My lawyer sent her lawyer a letter thursday saying that we wanted to get this over and done with as soon as we could. I am so tired of her draging her feet. If she really wants out she should want to go to court.

Could it be a money issue or something? HElp me please

Your story sounds similar to mine with the things your wife has done and said, except she hasn't filed, yet. Have you asked your wife if she is still eager to pursue the divorce, or maybe having second thoughts?

yes I have asked her several times and she always has the same answer. Why try to make the marriage. I am not gonna say I will never come back but I don't think it will work.. So why try.
Yes she says she still wants a divorce but does nothing to push the issue. she leaves that for me to do. Then she tells me that I am being vengeful because i won't sign the papers that she filed... She wants full custudy of our son and wants everything in our house that is paid for, plus the explorer.. I told her that is she wants all of that she needs to take half of the debt also.. so now i am being vengeful because i don't let her have her cake and eat it too. She wants it all and leave me paying for it.. Whats a man to do?

Hi Guys - I have similar experience - before I filed my wife was anxious for a divorce, but now she isn't cooperating. Refusing to sign papers, even when that ends up costing us money (I could not move 401k funds a couple months ago, and the market of course has gone down since then.) I can hardly wait to see her idea of equitable distribution.

Here is my take on it - right now she is getting support payments and has achieved some financial stability. She's in the house. After we get divorced, the clock starts running on the alimony component of her support; it won't be permanent. I don't think she wants to actually marry OM. She does have some financial uncertainties right now, but it will be somewhat worse after the divorce.

Our separated status is no impediment at all to her love life. And why should it be? On the other hand, now I want to start looking for someone else, but not while still married. So now I'm the one who filed and who will be pushing it.

So in my case it's not conflict avoidance (she likes conflict), but rather more cake-eating.

- Tom

My stbxh was gung ho to get a divorce also. That was six months ago. We signed the separation agreement in June dividing all the property. He was to file the petition right away. It's been over a month and he hasn't filed. The OW is pregnant with twins. I can't figure it out either. The only thing I can think of is that he's telling OW he can't marry her because he's still married or that I won't give him a divorce.

tmmx: I think you are right that being married doesn't impede at all on the WS's love life. They have no morals. I, like you, would like to find someone else but not until the FJ is signed and some time has passed. It's nice to know some of us still have morals.

Amen to the moral issue. I still have mine and intend on keeping them.