I love this board, but I am at a place where I need more. I need to talk to other people who are going or have gone through what I am going through. I have so many questions. So many fears. I am terrified and remorseful. My emotions are labile and I have no sense of who I am anymore. I would desparately like to have more of what I get here. I check the board about 20 times a day, and read everything. I am so glad that I have the amount that I have and the insight of the people that post here.

But what I need is more. More. MORE. I have a couple friends who are very nice and empathetic. My mother is great and my dad really tries, but no one really understands. My friends who know us both say, you don't deserve this and you should just drop her. My mother says the same thing, but with more venom. And if you knew my mother, you would understand that she is the least likely person in the world to be confrontational and assertive. She would rather die than to offend anyone, so when she says things, it really makes me wonder. I guess maybe I am just living in a fantasy world full of hope and love that is not reciprocated in the least.

I just can't NOT see how great our lives could be and were becoming. I just can't NOT attempt to help it to happen. I just can't hate her or even dislike her enough to let her go. I love her enough to let her go, but that just kills me. I love our children enough to let her go, but I also love them so much, that I must continue doing everything that I can to preserve and nurture the possibility of a shared and glorious life.

Last night I went to bed angry with her because she didn't come home and didn't call to tell me she was going to be late. This morning I awakened with such a sense of love for her that it was all I could do not to get up and crawl into her bed and hold her. I am an emotional nightmare. I awaken and immediately wish that I could return to sleep because before my first breath has been taken I am already thinking about her.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I have been reading a ton and it helps, but it is just common sense. I guess, the typing and talking to others who have gone through it and understand what to expect is what I am needing now.

Thank you for your time.

Do good work, never leave your fate up to luck.

C&CB:

Are you undergoing a divorce? I couldn't tell by your post, and I haven't read your posts.

If you need more legal information about your situation, divorcesource.com is a good gateway. You can lookup things by your state. And, if you're feeling legally vulnerable (say you're afraid your S may pull support or take kids or threaten you), you may want to get an attorney just to learn YOUR options.

Also, have you tried therapy? Very expensive, but a number of insurance plans/HMOs have some coverage. If you can't still afford it, many will negotiate their fees. And some counties/cities offer some free counseling, too. A good therapist will help you too. I noticed friends/relatives are always very willing to support you and want you to avoid your pain but can't always know what it is YOU want to achieve. A good therapist or counseler can help you define that and work towards it as well as help you deal with any emotional issues like anger, depression, so on.

Also, look up a separated/divorced support group in your area. It's human contact with others in various stages of D. My DSG has offered great advice and human contact. Try locating one in your area. I'm in central NJ, and there are two I know.

You might try www.splitup.com.

www.divorceonline.com

It was recommended to me from MB;it's boards are excellent.

Blessings and Peace

i feel for you...i am living each day with guilt because i made my husband want a divorce...i didnt have an affair but i hurt him...i love him so much and its really hard when you are the one who made the mistakes and the other did nothing but love you...i wake up thinking of my husband everyday and what i did to push him away...this is all new to me as well...i have turned to God to try and get me through this...it is so hard and i hope that you take care of yourself

Dear confused,
I know just how you feel. There is an almost insatiable need to discuss your problems when you are going through a divorce, but people don't really know what to say to you. They don't know whether you want condolences or congratulations. Maybe they are afraid to get too close because it might be contagious. People who have been through a divorce at some point in the past often tell you things that don't really help, such as "you will not feel this bad forever" or "it was the best thing that could have happened". Yes, those things are probably true but you need more support than that right now.
I have been separated for about 9 months after a marriage of over 20 years. My WH is living with his girlfriend as a result of an affair that started about 4 years ago. I discovered it about 2 years ago and tried to keep our marriage together using MB principles but in the end his midlife crisis won out. We have three wonderful children who are the lights of my life, but I often feel totally overwhelmed by being responsible for EVERYTHING.
Tell us more of your story - maybe we can help.