My H and I are no longer on rocky ground, but I have no passionate feelings for him. I don't know how to get that back. I'm not sure I can either. (I won't go through our whole history---) but we are now able to treat each other respectfully. He thinks our relationship is fine now and still wants to have a great sex life (which we never really had----his idea of a good sex life is every 6 weeks when his body needs it---for me to go to town pleasuring him) he claims to want to please me, but I can't really get him to listen to my desires---(simple things like telling me he desires me before I am asleep, trying foreplay that might excite me, not just him groping me etc) He says he would be completely pleased with our sex, if I was. I wish we could have sex once a week or more, but he seems to always been happy with once every 4-6-8 weeks. In fact he just had 11 days off of work and the subject never came up. The last time we had sex (maybe early June)I woke him up in the middle of the night for it. I can do that as a supplement, but I'd hate that to be our only time together. Can we have a marraige without the intimacy of loving sex??

I won't claim to be an expert on men or I wouldn't be on these boards. My husband and I did go through something similar. Only I was the one that never wanted to have sex.<P>My thought is this, he says the relationship is fine but have you really connected? I never wanted to have sex because I just did not feel connected to my husband. I hear men are wired differently. Has he explained his lack of interest? <BR>If you haven't already, read "His Needs/Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. There is a Emotional Needs Questionnare in it that would really help shed the light on things. Also there is a workbook that goes with that book and "Love Busters". It has several excercises in there. After you have done that and you still don't get anywhere, maybe he should see a therapist.<P>Once my husband started paying more attention to me, my feelings for it changed. Hope some of this helps.<P>cleo

Thanks Cleo--<BR>I have read the books, and thank you for the reminder---you are right, we are not connected at all right now. I need to concentrate on his needs more right now. I guess I don't think his needs are realistic. As in he is never happy with how I keep house, my weight, our home, how behaved our children are. He has a low tolerance for anything going askew. I am very spur of the moment and lead a very cluttered life. I've made great strides, but don't know how to be that perfect housewife for him. And he doesn't "know" how to meet my EN. It does all boil down to that. We are both stubborn, we'll have to get over that. <BR>I guess I am also worried that even if I make our home the only thing going on in our life that he will still not be happy. HE'll then dclaim that I have no "hobbies" (in effect saying that I am boring and too needy) . Hmmmm, can I find that happy balance. (but you know, when I was boring, skinney and kept a great house he wasn't even happy then. Yikes, will we ever be a happy couple again.<BR>Are you Cleo? Has anyone else going through this and fallen back in love. I really don't even want to kiss him anymore.

stillwanna<P>My h didn't want to have sex because he said I was too push for it. We used to have lots of fights about it because he said i made "comments" and it turned him off. So, after I had my baby, I just turned myself off and quit mentioning it (of course we have other problems causing my turn off) and lo and behold HE is the one who wants it all the time. Don't know if this is your problem or not but I know what it's like to be the one who wishes you had sex more often! <P>Also, I found we were having "sex" and not making love. I got tired of that and refused to unless we could kiss, touch, etc.<P>Good luck, yes, I do believe you can get those feelings back...he did.

Thanks for your reply---<BR>windy, what did he mean that you were too "push" for it?<BR>Last night H wanted to, and we did, but it is so hard to be "into" it when the feelings just aren't there. Can someone steer me in the right direction?

I don't have answers for you because I'm in the same boat.<P>My husband and I have been married for 4 years and it's been an up and down rollercoaster. The ups are when we are connected and the downs are when he has been brainwashed by his family and friends to put their needs first. I'm talking about a 43 year old man who cries for his mother while holding me in bed. He dreams of lying in his mother's lap whereas we haven't had sex in 3.5 years.<P>Two weeks ago my first IVF failed and since then all passion for my husband has gone. He was crying, not for me and my baby, but for how much he was missing his mother.<P>The desire to be with him for every moment is gone. I really don't know whether I want it to come back. A cat has nine lives and I've already died at least that many times in these 4 years. My passion did come back previously but I don't know if I will come out of it this time and even if I do, I really don't want to go through another emotional death again.<P>I pray for you and hope your wishes come true.

My H is not interested in sex. We have been married for 25 years, and I loved him greatly for the first 10 years. We had series of marriage counseling twice in the 10 yrs. and once since then. The problem has always been the same. When I first met him I was happy that he was not trying to jump into bed with me all the time like many men. Now...we have had sex about 10 times in 5 years. I am always the initiator, but 5 years ago I backed down. It was just another way for me to be in charge, and I know he does not like that about me. He gets all sweaty and upset about sex, and I have been gentle about it. I can make a sexy innuendo, even make an invitation for intimacy, but he acts like it isn't there. He does not like to talk about it--he's not a talker anyway. When I bring it up, he just says sadly, "I know." A year ago I insisted we spend time working on it, and he went tot he doctor for Viagra. Physically that works, but his desire is not there, so he never refilled the prescription. We would have divorced 10 years ago, except I was pregnant with our 3rd child, and he was out of work, again. Now I am lost, and do not know what else to do. Mo

Istillwannatry, <P> Here is what is working for me. First I had to get H's attention. I quit having sex, my feeling was, if you can't hug and kiss me Sun thru Mon , don't act like you love me for 20 min on Sat nite. After 4 weeks of no reaction other than, "I just figured you didn't want it". I made an appointment with a counselor. H's response, what do we need a counselor for, our marriage is great. Oh Puleeze!<P> Anyway, when I told him the counselor said that I need to find what makes me happy and do it, even if that meant moving out. I had his attention. <P> H wont go to counseling, hates involving others in our probs, but he agreed to try the book.<P> We started reading Harley's book, 2 chapters a week. H thinks Harley is an "expletive". But is willing to listen and learn if it will make me happy. <P> We have been making progress, baby steps, by some standards, but important ones for me. H wakes me up to kiss me goodbye every morning now. He thought this would be stupid, but I love it, so he is continuing. <P> Another point. When we got to chapter 4 about sex, H wanted to skip it, because he thought our sex was great. Well, I hadn't gone thru these radical steps, to leave anything untouched, so we got into a pretty heavy discussion about sex. <P> I don't think I could have gone on much longer w/out intimacy, but I need affection in order to feel comfortable about the intimacy. Harley's book is helping me verbalize my feelings. Without anger, and without disrespectful judgements. <P> Get the book. Then get his attention.<P> Toni<P> <P> <P><BR> <BR> <BR>

Istillwanna<P>I don't quite know your whole marriage nor am I a therapist but maybe just maybe I can help. After all, isn't that what we are all hoping for by being here and talking. My story is somewhat similar. My wife and I are younge (she's 24 and I'm 23) we have only been married for 4 years in Sept. But low and behold we have some of the same problems. Your problems may not be with the actual act of sex itself but with other things in your marriage. Look at your Communication, Your quality time with each other. I've found that with our marriage just about everything will indirectly involve our sex life. Just the other night I sat down and asked her to talk to me about sex. this is probably the first time we started out talking about sex. She herself has said before we have a problem in our bedroom. So, it was apparent I wanted to find out what it was and how( if it could) be fixed. The first response to my question was one of a defensive nature. After I assured her I wasn't trying to attack her and that I wanted to know what the problem was and that if it was me as long as she was "gentle" I would do my best to take it with a grain of salt. She told me that the way we kiss bothers her. She told me she loves to kiss( which totally surprised me cause she never wants to) but, when we do I usually (unknowingly) put her in an uncomfortable physical position. This was news to me and she also said that she understands that we have been "out of practice" for a long time but this would help to get her interested in sex. The conversation ended there because I don't think I need a laundry list of things to work on at once. So, Please take a look at your marraige as a whole, it most likely is something you never thought of that is causing the problem. Also I know it is hard but try to take baby steps, sometimes you feel like you take one step forward and five steps back but, if you stick with it it'll pay off in the end.<P>Good luck and Godspeed to you!!!