I will be needing any and all support and prayers over the next week. My xh (D was Jan. 02)is getting married this weekend and my anniversary is 2 weeks away. I am not dealing with this very well at all. I thought that I would be okay but there just hasn't been enough time to heal all the hurts that have already resulted from our separation last summer, our D at the beginning of the year, and the discovery of the OW last year not too long after we separated.

I am really hurting for my children too (2 boys, 5 & 1). They are so young and they don't understand anything that is happening and they have a hard time communicating anyway because of their age. I am not dealing well at all with the OW being their stepmother. I just can't seem to get over this hurdle at all. It just breaks my heart that this OW and her family are around my children. I am trying so hard to get over the pain and hurt of these strangers being around my children. It all makes me sick. I can't even look at the OW or talk to her.

My xh keeps telling me that they didn't have an A but I just can't believe him. Too many things happened. I do believe that nothing physical happened while me and my xh were together but I strongly feel that there was EA going on. My xh had called me about a month after he walked out and said that he and the OW were going to start dating. (??????) Still haven't figured that out yet. I know that it turned into a PA then, gut instinct. I told my xh then it was wrong, that this was adultery but he said he felt divorced for a long time. I guess this is his justification. He still denies to this day he did anything wrong. We were still married and here he was with this OW and she was around my children and now they are getting married. I am sorry but I can't just stick my head in the sand and not see what all of this is, it is so obvious to everyone else but then again there is the "FOG". It is so frustrating!!!!!

I really need to get over this, accept it and move on but I am just having a hard time with that. I feel so betrayed! Granted I would never take my xh back and our marriage was doomed from the beginning (I see it now, couldn't see it for 8 years) but I still married him, I still made the vows. I was willing to do whatever it took to save our marriage. Now, I see that it couldn't be saved. So much happened throughout our marriage that I never saw. Verbal, emotional and mental abuse was rampant from before we even got married, it was worse in the marriage. My xh was very controlling and I became co-dependent on him.

I have finally discovered that I enabled my xh throughout the marriage. I feel like he beat me down so much that I couldn't stand up for myself or defend myself in any way. I know that I am not the same person I was before I got married. What is really sad is that I didn't change because I wanted to, I changed because of my xh. I changed into a person I didn't even recognize. I still to this day can't understand why I couldn't see what was happening to me. How could I allow someone to control me this much? Still working on that. Still trying to figure it out.

I just rambled on and on. I am at a very confusing state in my life right now, trying to pick up the pieces, trying to understand what happened in my marriage, trying to figure out what happened to me, trying to make sense of some of my life. A part of me feels like the past 9 years of my life were wasted, dust in the wind. With them getting married this weekend I am back on the roller coaster ride.

The question that just sits on my mind lately is "How can he take these vows again when he couldn't keep them with us?" It just blows my mind.

I just need support and prayers to get through this next week. I am struggling every day now to get through the days as it gets closer to this upcoming weekend. My heart is broken, I feel so betrayed, I feel so lost.......I have used a whole box of kleenex typing this post.

I better go now,
Kathy

Oh Kathy - I don't really know what to say except that I am thinking of you --- I don't know how people can just move from one thing to the other and not realize how much of an effect it is going to have on people. My worst nightmare is that my stbxh will get someone else - and then my children will have step parents - I know people tell you to go on with your life and that you will get over it - but I also know that that is the hardest thing to do . I mean I am getting divorced and I don't even want to but I also hope that I can be happy again someday and hopefully I can be with a person that can put my feelings over his.. Our husbands are selfish - your husband can take marriage vows again because he probably only thinks about them as words and is only thinking about what he wants right now. You need to hold your head up high and don't give them the satisfaction of knowing that this is bothering you - You need to go out and have some fun... Just think if they did have an affair while married - is she ever gonna trust him?? Their life together might not be a happy as they think... Again my thoughts and prays are with you - do something fun, do something with your kids - enjoy - and believe I know that when I say that it is way easier said then done - but good luck.. Mimi

I'm sorry you're going through this. Except for the affair, the description of your marriage sounds alot like mine. I have two book suggestions for you.
1. The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans
2. Codependent No More

Also, my H and I have had good results from communications counseling, for our future interactions about the children. Although you're D'd it could benefit the children in the long term.
BTW, are you or your H an ACOA?

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know first hand the pain you are feeling. My ex married OW (my old best friend) 4 days after our divorce was final. I was devastated because I didn't want this horrible person anywhere near my children, and suddenly she became their stepmother. My children were 4, 2, and 5 months when they got married. I hated the fact that she was going to be a role model for my children. That happened in October, and time does help. She is still the person who left her own young children and who buys mine inappropriate things and who takes the lazy way out on any parenting issue. This suits my ex fine, as he sees no obligation to attempt to raise the children up morally or spiritually. You just get to a point where you accept what you can't change and work harder on those things you can. My job is to be a good Christian mother. My job is very hard, since I am disciplining and teaching and picking up the pieces when the kids return home from a no rules weekend. I get extremely frustruated, and lonely sometimes, but I am a better mother because of all this, taking my role more seriously. Good luck. It hurts, I know. But you'll make it. Thinking of you!
Krista

((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))

I am beginning to know what you are going through - wedding date for my ExH and OW keeps getting moved up - now it's next month - actually I already think they are secretly married but who knows.........

The problem that we are having is that our head tells us one thing and then our heart tells us another.

My counselor would probably say that we are mourning the death of the marriage/relationship that we have created in our minds - and that we fail to look at the reality of the marriage, which wasn't so great.

Of course, you know as well as I do, that they can only speak to the feeling that they have at the moment, and cannot guarantee that they won't divorce. My ExH and OW told our kids that they will try really hard not to get divorced. Maybe they'll write it into their wedding vows.

Yes, it is mind boggling to a sane Christian person, that someone who promised to love until death and in bad times and for worse could break that vow and then repeat it again with someone else, however, I think that it is a function of society today. My ExH told me something like I need to "get with" the world today meanign that I need to accept what others accept as normal - like divorce. Divorce is horrible and it's not part of what I think should be mainstream, but Exs and OPs will reationalize until the cows some home, so there is no use in trying to explain anything to them.

Just know that nothing sets in reality like those marriage vows, so any fun and games they were having will be replaced with discussions about food, shelter and clothing.

I too am cringing over the relationship with OW and my kids but I'm taking it day by day.

We'll see how it goes.

Prayers will be definitely sent your way, and there will be a Novena for Healing by Our Lady of Snows July 28-Aug.5 - go to website www.snows.org if you want to pray along.

K

maw64 - Thank you so much for your response. Me and my children are actually going out of town this weekend on a "mini-vacation". Didn't know about the wedding when I planned it and it's my weekend anyway. The boys don't want to be a part anyway so I will have a pretty good distraction and my #1 rule this weekend is to not worry about anything at home. I am really going to work on this very hard because I will have a good time with my children!

Thanks again!
Kathy

newly - Thank you so much for the book suggestions and your response. I have the 1st one just haven't been able to read very much of it yet and I will be getting the 2nd one, sounds alot like what was going on in my marriage.

Wasn't sure what ACOA was.

Thanks again,
Kathy

WhoamInow - Thank you so much for your response. You have gone through what I am going through now and you have made it and that is very encouraging. I am trying to get to that point where I accept this but I just haven't quite made it yet. I know the day will come and I know that time heals.........

Thank you again,
Kathy

GodIsInControl - Thank you so much for your response. You are right, our head does tell us one thing and our heart another. I know I never want to be with my xh but it still hurts. I feel very betrayed. The reality of my marriage is very bad. It wasn't a good marriage at all but it wasn't for a lack of trying, my effort alone did nothing.

You know, my xh told me a month after he walked out that he was going to start dating ow and that I needed to move on too and get a life. I still can't believe he said that. I responded to him saying that we were still married and that I had no interest in being with someone else. So much for his morals, to be honest now that I can see from the outside in, he really never has had any morals.

Thank you again,
Kathy