This is me just venting a bit about some things I've watched on these boards and through life itself. This is not directed at any single person on the board.

I think the saying goes that knowledge is something that we gain through experience and wisdom is something we gain through other people's knowledge. So in our fast food society, where is the wisdom.

So now you're probably wondering, what's my point. I can't tell you how many times I've heard about someone going through divorce who has met "a really nice guy but they are just friends" or someone recently divorce and now they're on the prowl for their next X. Why?

Haven't we gained any wisdom through watching this silly cycle go on and on. It's like, well I'm separated, need to start dating or heck, I've been divorced for three hours, I need a date. To me, it's a set up for failure.

Someone around here has a signature line with a Hellen Keller Quote that goes something like When one door closes that we are so preoccupied with that closed door that we fail to see the door that opens beside us. Well I have to add that we atleast need to let that door CLOSE.

Thanks for reading, this is just some rambling of the crazy stuff that goes through my head when someone calls me at 2 in the morning griping about there new boyfriend that they got right after the last one screwed around.

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</small>

I'm one of those hands on kind of learners. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

E

I understand what you are saying, Bill. With some people, (not necessarily here on MB) I just want to yell "DO YOU HAVE AMNESIA??!!! Instead I listen and quietly recommend giving themselves some time. I understand why people are tempted to rush into something new. They feel like something is missing in their lives without a significant other. It is true that a partner can add a lot to your life. But it is also possible to be happy and fulfilled as a single person too. I've been separated a year, and will be divorced a year in October. I have found that I like myself and I like my life. I am better off without the lying cheating mean spirited person my H became. Someone here once said that if someone comes along that convinces them that they would be happier with that person, they'll consider it. I like that. But until then, I'm all about taking time to heal and grow as a single person. People's timelines are different, however. Some may progress more quickly and be ready sooner. I think self awareness and reflection go along way on this journey nobody wanted to take!
Krista

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justthewife:
<strong>I'm one of those hands on kind of learners. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

E</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uhhh, nevermind.....

(((((Eliz)))))) I read of your recent trials and I am sorry for that. But, just so you know, this post was started to throw a flame at you. Heck, if it's meant for anyone, it's meant for a friend of mine that will never see these boards. But I see this happen here all the time.

As someone from the wild wild west, I can totally relate to the old saying "If your hourse bucks you off then you need to get right back on". But a little bit of wisdom will tell you that you don't get on until your fractured skull, broken arm, and broken legs are mended properly, otherwise you'd be setting yourself up for more and bigger problems.

I lurk a lot.

What bothers me is that some people seem to think you're "less of a person" if you WANT someone in your life.

Seems to me to be two camps: If you don't want to be alone you're weak, or If you want someone in your life you're replacing your ex.

Why can't it be, "I like having a man around"?

Does that make me weak, stupid, a dreamer? If so, OH WELL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Good point, Statue. It does seem like people think you might be less of a person for wanting a partner. That is why there are all the jokes about desperate women. I guess I think it is fine to want a man in your life, but not to act on that feeling until you are in a good place in your recovery from your last relationship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhoamInow:
<strong>I guess I think it is fine to want a man in your life, but not to act on that feeling until you are in a good place in your recovery from your last relationship.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's pretty much my point. Now who is the only person who can decide when you're ready, of course, you are. But I swear the recovery of a relationship must have fog surrounding it because as a spectator peeking in from the outside, I may be able to see that your not ready.

If one of my kids were riding a bike down the street and I saw danger ahead, I'd scream and yell and do anything possible to try to stop them. Then when they hit the obvious I'd be right there to comfort them. Same thing with my friends, I scream and yell telling them of the danger, then I take the 2am phone call and comfort them....

I'm just babbling, but I do hope that it can do someone some good....

I read Terry Waite's autobiography. He was the representative of the church of England who was held hostage in Iran for YEARS...

He had a quote from Augustine in the book. I don't remember the quote precisely but the gist of it was.....

To have peace, you have to know yourself. And to know yourself, you have to be alone.

Now, I didn't choose to be divorced. Heaven knows, I would never have chosen the lopsided marriage I was in. But, I would not never want to return to being the person I was before this mess erupted.

I, for one, am grateful for the time of self-discovery and healing. If you go leaping from one set of arms to another, how can you find that?

Well, for me, it's my favorite pasttime. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

My personal opinion is that BS's(at least I was) are immediately overwhelmed with not being good enough, not being attractive enough, being scared to death of being alone forever, etc.

None of these things are reality and if we just wait, we will see that. However, when I was going through my time of desparation, it was a good thing I wasn't tempted by a local unmarried male. The two offers I had were from a good friend who lived 600 miles away and from a married ex high school sweetheart. In both cases, although it was flattering to receive some much needed attention for the ego, I was able to remain on-my-own and I am so thankful for that.

I suppose I'm rambling. I just wanted to say that I understand the temptation that some people feel about jumping right back into the first "good=feeling" thing that comes along. I am so thankful that I was given excellent advice from my MB friends, and that I had a relationship with God that told me that I was worthy of someone's love BUT clearly reminded me that I would be ok no matter what.

I'm very much looking forward to finding someone someday but that's the point, someday. It doesn't have to be right now. I can control that and I can live with the knowledge that the better I'm healed from the emotional pain of my divorce, the more I'll have to offer to someone else and the better off all of us, especially my children, will be.

I suppose I just wanted to respond in case there were any new MB's out there who think they can't do it alone. I don't think I would have beleived it 15 months ago, but now I can see how time is our friend. Things do get better. I don't think God intends for us to be alone forever, however I do think Bill is absolutely correct in the fact that many of us rush into situations looking for that quick fix, which just creates more agony.(for us and our 2am friends <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

I heard the following advice until I thought I would throw up, but in the past 17 months, I have finally come to realize that we must love ourselves first and figure out how to find happiness and contentment from God and from ourselves, not from circumstances or others.

I just didn't get it before and to tell you the truth, I still have moments almost daily where I don't think I'm strong enough. I still have to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people's happiness. As a peoplepleaser, this is hard because I want everyone to be happy and I truly enjoy doing things to make others happy.

Well, now I really am rambling......

Thanks for the interesting thread topic, Bill!

PP

LH,

I hear your point. Thing is tho, I had plenty of time alone before I met my WW. I had all the fun a man could ever dream of - ALONE. I was ready to settle down with a life partner, and now she's gone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I still like that companionship, and maybe that's why I'm dating again. My marriage sucked the last year and the closeness was absent. It was like 2 people living separate lives. In dating, you don't have to get serious, but you still can share that closeness and be happy. I'm not replacing my wife, but instead, starting a new and wonderful life for myself, and if I meet some nice ladies along the way to share it with, it's all the better. Guess I just don't think there's a black and white or form letter answer about all this. It's up to the person and their maturity level and how clearly they are thinking.

Just my 2 cents.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nasakid:
<strong>LH,

It's up to the person and their maturity level and how clearly they are thinking.

Just my 2 cents.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree that there isn't a black and white on this but I think your last statement conveys my biggest point. But so many people aren't either mature enough or thinking clearly enough to guard their heart going into these "new" relationships. I see many people "settling" on their 2nd and 3rd relationships when they don't take the time to get to that mature healthy place. Which leads them down the same path they just got through walking.....

As a spectator and friend it's hard to watch someone settle and be unhappy because they rushed. It's so much more rewarding to watch someone's personality blossom and then be enhanced by their new found mate....

Like you implied, everyone is different, but from where I'm sitting, I see this cycle going on more than not. It's like I'm sitting in the reasturant waiting for my fresh cooked steak while watching everyone else drive though McD's.

Bless you and I hope you have found and continue to seek happiness.

Bill,

I understand where you are coming from. I did have friends stop me from seeing someone before I was over my, at the time, FXW.(last December) I am so thankful for them talking me out of it. I know more than likely that I wouldn't treat this girl like she would deserve to be treated. I had to much bitterness in me to care greatly for anyone.

I have been divorced for a little over two months after a nine month seperation and I feel that I can start doing a little (friendly) dating. You know what I mean? Go out, eat, maybe a movie, maybe to a club dancing, maybe skiing on the river, maybe a ride on the motorcycle and at the end of the evening, I take her back to her house and me going back to mine. I really don't see anything wrong with that. Heck that is what I was doing when I found her, but that doesn't mean that I have to "settle down" with the first one I come across! I have been through 4 D-Days and anyone that has been through more than one knows that those deposits in the love bank disappear quickly after you have been devastated that many times. (Please, all of you, if you think that going out is a bad idea let me know, I have made a lunch date when I get back home but it can be broken.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justthewife:
<strong>I'm one of those hands on kind of learners. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

E</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ha! Me too - got so many Diplomas from "School Of Hard Knocks" it's not funny. My Dad always used to tell me, "Son you can learn things the easy way or the hard way." Sad to say, I've learned far too much The Hard Way...
Looking over my Diplomas hangin' on the wall...
Harold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />