Hello all.

It has been awhile since I last posted. I went through the extreme heartache July 4, 2001 when my fiancee and girlfreind of nearly 4 years left me. Quick reminder we went throuigh a lot (she had a divorce, grandma die and most importantly a car accident that she should have not survived)..Anyway, I have been with a new GF for about 10 months. Like fools we started living together right away. She was fresh off of a breakup also-we were clearly each other's bandaids for a period. Anyway, I find myself continuing to compare the current GF to my ex which always casuses me to miss my ex immensely. To this day comparing or not I think of my ex at least 50 times a day. When does it get easier? I have heard it takes the same amount of time that you "gave into it" to "get out of it". I do realize that everyone is different too. I guess I am struggling with being single again and hate the thought of "starting over". I was for a time very content that I was to be married and live happily-ever after. With the new girl- Im just can't "get there"- yet.. Although I treat her well I know I am not treating her as well as I did my ex, becuz she's not my ex. Also, I have been struggling still with two fundamental and contrating philospohies. 1-Marriage Builders says to put the other person first (and I truly wish I'd have done this a bit more) 2-Dr. Phil McGraw says put yourself first. How can you make someone else happy if you are not authentically happy yourself. BOTH make good sens, but are polar opposites. So which one is it.. What do you think?? Lastly, I turn 30 in a couple of months and my life is definitely not where I thought it would be. Still ever since my ex left I feel like I am just "going through the motions"-I am cynical, depressed and just kind of "here"..Wondering when I get back to my old self- or if that ever happens?? Any advice/comments will be greatly appreciated. Take care everyone, Jack.

Jack: It sounds like you are with the new girl for selfish reasons...its better than being alone, but you aren't committed. That isn't fair to her or you. You can't make yourself get over someone or can you force yourself to love someone no matter how wonderful they are. If it's not there...it isn't going to magically transpire one day. You need time to heal. It's only been a year. There is a time and a season for everything...it doesn't sound like it is your time to be with this girl. Talk to her honestly about things...perhaps she is feeling the same. You can't expect someone to make you happy...that has to come from you being happy with yourself. It is unrealistic to think that you can go from all you went through to being blissfully happy with someone else.

Good luck

jack72,
I understand your feelings... this one hits close to home for me as well, and I'm not "D" yet.
I know I will be going through the same thing though when my "D" is final.
Even when I just talk to another woman, I find myself comparing them to my STBXW and I don't know why... it's a bad place to be and I feel for you.
Hopefully some people will chime in and give you some good advice or comments on this one.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Jack,
What I have learned is to try and please g/f as much as possible but NOT to the extent I am unhappy/uncomfortable. I didn't do that in my marriage. I always tried to make the x happy and look where that got me. She thought of me as weak and had no respect for me.

Hang in!

Bob

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: RWD ]</small>

Thanks for the great advice thus far.

HappyMac- you (sadly) may be on to something, but I want to be clear I don;t make the same mistakesx I made with my ex wither and also feel like I owe this girl a "fair shot"..we'll see. the "gut feeling" though does not feel right.

Wallace- Yeah it sad how similar we all are..

RWD- I agree. There needs to be a blance and that is the tricky part...

**Anyone else care to comment - I really am in need of some HELP in this area... Daily struggle that is getting rather old**

Take care,
Jack

Hi Jack

I too am struggling with the healing process. I am not yet divorced but there is no chance of recon as my wife has already comitted herself to another man and will not give in to talk. Just want to try to forget, but everything I do reminds me of her.I would like to meet somone else but I'm affraid that no one will ever compare up to my wife.Even though I know that she never really loved me.I thought she did at the time but I can't stop loving her now, even after she has hurt me.I want someone to love right now but I too feel that it is wrong.Maybe a platonic girl/boy relationship with someone in a similar situation would be better.That way you can do all the nights in and days out with no fear of commitment.If sex does occur, then be sure you are both aware that its mutual fun and don't take anything a stage further if you feel like you do now.

Start by telling your partner how you feel.Especially if she has hidden feelings too that she may want to get out in the open. If she has a sympathetic ear and knows what you have been through, then she will understand and may take you under her wing.The extra comfort that you give one another may make you closer and stronger.A soul mate and a team!

Just a reply to RWD's comment.What do women want?

I have been too soft with girls in the past and given them everything and done so much for them but I have been used and made to look the fool, so when I met my wife I tried being hard and not letting her get all her own way, but that just caused head to head conflicts all the time over her not having control over me.I think she wanted it all her own way and because I wouln't let her, she found someone else that would pamper to her every needs.So I ask you, how can I do right for doing wrong? I'm not the type of person that can change from one day to another but in general YES I am too soft.But that doesn't make me a bad person and I wouldn't change it for anyone.I like the way I am.

Marty

Marty,

You be the way that you want to be, you will eventually find someone that melds with you. If you try to change to match someone else, you will always be uncertain of how to act and what to do in a given situation. It is not you therefore how does this 'other' person act in this situation?

I know, I tried acting like nothing bothered me for the last 4 months. And while I was generally happy, as I look back on it, I was acting that way because I was afraid that the next confrontation would be our last. Well, it was, it was just a few months longer into our marriage and recovery. Be yourself, but be prudent. Change is good as long as it is not short term. If you change something about yourself, make sure that you WANT to change so that you can feel comfortable doing that forever, not just in her presence.

Wow, I almost feel 'sub'human again.

MartyB- bingo I thu are on to something and that is this. I have dated and met enough women to know that my ex will be "tough to top".. the longer i am without her the more i seem to appreciate how mature and good for me she really was.. sad, but true.. and I really hope for my sake I stop thinking this way, but the greater depression is that i feel that noone will measure up or beat her.. Unfair to everyone obviously and extremely disheartening.. To still miss someone after a year is crazy.. Also, I am sure that your ex did love you for awhile I mean she did make a comitment to you.. what causes extreme love to go the other way is beyond me... ANYBODY else care to reply to the original post or anything on this thread - please feel free- very helpful ot us.. THANK YOU and TAKE CARE!! Jack

Anyone else??? Thanks...

Jack72:

As difficult as it is, you are the one who ultimately has to decide what to do with yourself and the new gf. Everyone can give you advice, but you will do what you will do. Often times when people break up the person who is left behind has a tendency to romantize what was. We all do this...we let the bad things fade and over time, embellish the good stuff. After awhile, there is no human being who can compare to the ex. If you were to meet the ex the first time...she wouldn't be able to live up to the memory you have created. Let it go.

Your gf deserves a fair chance, but you aren't giving it to her...at this point it would seem you aren't capable. Is that fair? Do you stay with the gf because you love her, enjoy her company, etc or do you stay with her because she is better than being by yourself? Tough questions, but necessary? If you can't let go of the ex than seek help. No one deserves to be treated like second string...how would you feel if your gf went on and on about no one comparing to her ex. I know I wouldn't like it and would say see you later.

Happy Mac You are definitely right. I know (and she knows) we jumped to fast into being in a serious relationship with each other.. Both of mus had very recently gotten out of serious relationships and from day 1 we have been living together. We are considering living apart (although I have heard that may be the kiss of death) and are also considering counseling (me for my ex, her for her ned to really want a family at all costs, and for us as a couple). I think that might eb the best..,.

Jack,
As a woman my first reaction is please do not lead her on. Even if you "feel" something for her but not exactly enough to make a full time commitment. It's not fair to either of you. She will only be getting half of a man (no slam intended) and you will never be satisfied. My XH did exactly what you are doing. He went from GF to me. I hate to admit it but I pushed for a commitment. He went through with it and we were miserable throughout our entire marriage.
The saddest part is that if I would have allowed him to grieve the ending of his other relationship (w/o me around) then I believe that he would have been a different and better person. I honestly believe that he would have come around and still wanted to have a life with me. But we'll never know, because I pushed (after 1yr living together), and he relented.

And now that we have divorced, he is the one who is grieving the loss of me. I have moved on, having known that all the time we were together his heart wasn't mine. It was both our fault.

You shouldn't do this to your present GF. She deserves to be #1 to the person she is involved with. She may not see it right now, but it's true. None of us should settle for crumbs. That means you too. If you decide to make a commitment with her, aren't you "settling" for less than you want?

You have a choice, take a step back, re-evaluate the situation. Be honest, take all the "red flags" into consideration. Ask yourself the tough questions and be honest.

Good Luck
ASM:)

Thanksa for the last reply ASM.. Do you think it is a good idea to move out seperately and then see what happens? That seems to be the most common recommendation (and my current GF thought of it also)..

Hello Jack,
Yes, I think that it is a good idea that you live apart for now.
If I could go back in time and seperate from my xh before we were married I would. (Although at the time it would have been torture.) It would have been so much better in the long run for both of us.
It's so much better if you get back together because it's what you both want, rather than what is easiest to do because it's right there.

Best of luck to you...
ASM:)

a couple others have recommended the "live apart now" concept, while another buddy of mine said "that's the kiss of death"... Is it better to pro-actively do the harder thing and seperate OR just live day by day and see how things go???

..