it would seem like we have a tad in common. 1-Jack in out name, d-day was July 4th, worked our butts off to get "her" back... My question is that you are the first one I've seen that said you worked "too hard" and that ou question whether you really loved her at all? I would LOVE to be in the place you are at mentally. How long did it take and how did you get there? About the whole "wonder if I ever really loved her"-I am guessing that you proposed to her and that at that moment and for awhile you felt immense love for your ex.. You probably just acknowledged that she no longer loved you and that you found enough things about her to "get over it" and move on and essentially fall out of love. I would like very much to pick your branin about this as it may help my own situation. Any others with similar situations please feel free to post as well. Thanks and take care, Jack

Well, I wouldn't be too envious of my mental state, if I were you! I still carry around a few tons of bitterness and regrets. I'm really, really jaded and cynical about relationships and marriage in general.

It's taken me almost 2 years to get to this place, and after reading some of the stories here, I realize just how easy I had things...well, relatively easy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

How did I get here? That's a tough question. I think it started about the time she broke it off with the OM...which was a few months after our divorce was final. I thought for a moment that I had a chance to get her back...but she bounced right back into dating another guy.

A couple of months later, I went by her place to pick up D, and she was really upset about something. She seemed reluctant to talk about it, and I knew it was "guy trouble." I said "look, we're not married are we?" She said no. I said "and we're never, ever getting back together, are we?" She sighed and said no. I listened to her problems, and gave her advice, but when she said we'd never get back together, it hit me like a ton of bricks. She had always said "never say never" and would remind me that some couples that divorce later re-marry.

The finality of it all dawned on me that day, and it's been more or less uphill ever since. She's been dating someone for about 8 months now, and I make it a point to keep up on how things are going with them...its odd, but I think it helps me to see her moving on with her life.

I also think I got some closure when the thing with the OM fizzled. I get a perverse sense of satisfaction that she won't return calls from the man who was her "soul-mate." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I think it would be much harder to deal with if they were still together.

Well, that's all for now. I need to do some more thinking on the subject of how I fell "out of love" with her before I post again. Feel free to pick my brain anytime.

cJack. Hey thanks man. Yeah, my ex told me time and time again to my face and boldly move on, were done, no chance, etc.etc.. Odd how someone who loved me so much could get there. I think it is becuz she won't allow herself that level of love (and potential hurt) ever again.. She told me even in the darkest hours that I was on a whole higher level of love and while noone would reah it , she'd have different love. Sucks.. Ultimately where I think I am starting to find my closure is that SHE ultimately had the decision to say "Yes you are worth a second shot or counseling or whatever) and time after time she did not. I 90-95% plan A'd for about 3 months maybe, but could not take it. I mean I would love to "build up resentment and anger" etc but almost always I think of nothing but good times, cute things and missing her. SUCKS!!

I think what you are feeling is natural. It's ok to have the feelings, but once the other party says "never again", it becomes time to say yeah it was something, and that's that.

My wife and I still love each other, but there are so many issues in our marriage that she has given up and really, so have I. It's a strange place to be. THe pain of losing love is intense, yet the reality of a volatile relationship must be considered.

In my situation, trying again would mean pain, loneliness, and frustration anyway. Sure there
was love, and many good times; but the main state of our union was a lot of fighting and unrest.

If you want to "win" in the situation you're in,
take really good care of yourself, dress to impress, and live well. If you latch on to your ex in teary desperation, then you will lose. It's a game of appearances.

But when someone has moved on, it's time to do the same.

Jack,

I have spent the last 11 years, 13 total with my wife and gone through every fight we had together and every happy time we had together, TOGETHER. I also tend to look at the last 11 years as good years. I tend to remember the good times and have to really think about the bad times to remember them.

My wife on the other hand recalls every arguement or disagreement we have ever had, and repeatedly brings them back. I think she fights every battle over again, everytime we bump heads. She has said that she has had pain our whole life together. I am unfortunate in that I don't see my adult life in that way.

We definitely view the same things differently. Whereas I look at something and see white, she will swear it is black.

I realized last night that we were through when she began telling me about how she has started believing in Christianity and wanting to hang around "better" friends. I was happy for her, and uneasially proposed that maybe instead of divorce, we think about separation. The word no sooner reached my lips than I heard the door of her mind slam shut.

She wants a "Good Christian Divorce". She wants the ok of God, and the strength to bravely take this on and succeed. I wrote a prayer for her the other day that she said really moved her. She said she really didn't know how to pray and felt uncomfortable, so I wrote it quickly to give her an idea about how I pray. I wrote it thinking about using our religion to rebuild our marriage and family. She read it as a way to get through this divorce and carry on.

Like I said, it is amazing how differently two people can view the exact same thing.

My prayer

Lord, I thank you for this day and all the many
blessings you have given me.
I pray that you will continue to guide me and keep me safe.
I ask that you soothe my heart and touch my soul.
I ask for the peace and sense of love that only you can provide.
Please help me to find my way when I am lost and bring light to my nights when darkness overcomes my senses.
Give me strength in my times of weakness and lift my spirits when I am confounded by pain and mistrust.
May I believe in your desire to help and love me, and sustain me with trust that your plan for me and mine is always that which is pure and wholesome.
Forgive me for the trials at which I have failed and help me to forgive any who have failed in my sight. Please let your forgiveness be shown through me , and my forgiveness be shown through my deeds and desires.
Bless those who care for me and whom I care for. Keep them safe at your side and blessed by your presence.
Always let them know that care and love are the utmost blessings that can be bestowed upon any such as us.
I thank you for the opportunity to learn and grow, and I pray that I recognize the possibilities that are given me and succeed in their execution.
I thank you for the challenges that are in my life and I understand that although painful, you will not press upon me that which I cannot endure and conquer.
I thank you for Jesus, who died on the cross to
relieve me of my sins. He allows me to fail and yet not perish. That through him and recognition of his love and sacrifice, I can repent and be washed clean of my burdens.
I love you Lord and thank you for bringing me to you and always being by my side.

In Jesus’ name I pray,
Amen

Just different filters of the same thing coming to completely different conclusions.

Thanks very much for the replies. Sadly we seem to have much in common. You know mine was 4 years of living together and we had some major things that brought us very close (primarily her near death car accident where she was pronounced dead twice, but miraculously made it). I was not technically married though, nor did I have kids involved and 4 years is not a ton of time in relation to what I have seen. I guess I am wondering what does this mean. I wonder if I could handle a situation much tougher than mine like so many on here have. I wonder if I have a right to feel so much pain and discomfort or am I just dumb for being this way right now. I suppose it's all relative and individual, but I do wonder. I feel about 93% tat my ex will not return ever. Diheartneing to know, but honestly if she ain;t coming back, I'd like to get to a point of she's gone and I HAVE MOVED ON (really)!
Thanks, Jack