Oh god where do I start. I've been reading this forum and offering my sage advice almost glibbly as I felt my marriage was strong and invincible.
But the laugh is on me, as she has moved out two weeks ago after several months of total collapse. The love has hemmorrhaged. We both have retained attorneys. In three months time
my world has fallen apart.

It has always been a volatile relationship--met her six years ago. She has many issues with depression and other factors such as abuse in childhood that have made our relationship very tough. We fought alot in our 2.5 year marriage.
She is a very controlling person and I have had a lot of problems with that. But the major
breakdown came as a fault of mine. and I will explain this.

She is 32 and I am 37. We met through my cousin who was her fraternity big brother in college. We had a tumultuous 2.5 years of dating with several breakups--usually due to her blowing up with anger over seemingly insignificant things and her overall manic depression, which involved her cutting on herself with razor blades.

After an exteremely tough two month breakup, I just couldn't forget about her and we moved in together to work on things. I ended up asking her to marry me and we decided to move from Seattle to San Diego, where I always wanted to live. After our marriage, we found the home of our dreams on ten acres outside san diego. It is
a gorgeous place, and it was ours. My w felt total pressure to keep the entire ten acres up, and we spent many obsessive weekends doing yardwork and clearing, which I hated. She didn't even really like to do it, but instead of having fun, we mostly worked. This is her way--work always, relax very seldom.

Anyway, there was lots of love and all, but the sex life was really pedestrian. She very rarely desired it, and this was another issue. A third issue was the fact that when she would drink, which was rarely, she would go nuts and get flirty with other guys, angry with me, and basically lose control. Almost every celebratory time or vacation we've had has been marred by this, including our own wedding night.

So as we reached the two year mark of our move to
california, last february, things were quite tense. We had been to counselling and spent lots of money getting her the treatment she needs for her depression, etc. She was still obsessed with
work, chorse, and anything but relaxation and us.

Well two months ago on a saturday night she caught me smoking some pot, which was something I
told her I would not do, event hough when we first met she accepted it. She went ballistic, and ended up getting violent with a dog choker chain on me. I called 911 and she took off.
The cops photographed the welts on my back. Charges were never pressed by the state.

We never recovered from that. We attended counselling again, and we tried to get back to
our old selves. We went out one night and she got drunk and totally became belligerent, taking off to make me look for her. I couldn't find her, so I left, very angry. After this night, she decided to move out and it has gone downhill from there.

She informed me she retained an attorney, so I did the same, to protect myself financially as best I can. We have no kids.

Sooooo...what was once a love relationship is now two strangers who don't know what to say to each other. It is so sad I can't believe it. Yet att he same time, it couldn't continue ont he path it was. I can't tell you how many angry outbursts and episodes of total controlling, manipulative behavior I have gone through. Even in public.

I can't believe it's over. I am alone in our big beautiful home, and she comes over sometimes to get stuff and I can tell she is moving on. We both hug each other and we both still love each other, but she will never trust me again(She also has major trust issues with men), and besides she wants to lead a sober life completely free of alcohol, and that is not a life I want, as my family has always broken bread over drinks.

So, with attorneys aimed at each other, we watch the love die. It is too sad for me. Just a few months ago we were holding hands and living life as a couple. Now we are ont he fast road to becoming strangers. It cuts me so deep I can't
breathe when I think of it.

But at the same time, I think this might be best.
How will I ever know?

I'm sorry EasyE for your present situation. It sucks royal a** when you loose someone you loved and dreamed about building a future with. But like you said '<strong>it couldn't continue on the path it was. I can't tell you how many angry outbursts and episodes of total controlling, manipulative behavior I have gone through</strong>'.

Your wife sounds like she has some major issues to resolve in order for her to be part of ANY healthy relationship, and she has to face the fact that only she can help herself in resolving them. The only thing you can do is to learn what your mistakes were in the marriage, correct them so that you become a better person not only for your own sake but also for the woman who will become your future wife.

Keep the faith and keep on posting.

Thanks CoffeeMan
Your words gave me a bit of strength on this otherwise hard monday. Mucho gracias.

E - very sad news.

It does sound like you are able to see clearly ; a definite plus.

Take a look at this website as well; it was recommended to me from MB.

www.divorceonline.com

The name sucks, but it's boards are the best for dealing with the place where you seem to be..

I'm sorry for your pain, EazyE, but there are some things about your story that just don't add up for me.

OK, your wife certainly sounds as though she has an assortment of serious personal issues; but if she is so controlling, how is it that the two of you ended up in your dream home outside the city where you wanted to live? And on an estate that was apparently more of a burden to your wife than a joy? (And I don't really think it matters whether or not your wife's feeling of burden was derived from some obsessive-compulsive sense of over-responsibility; she felt burdened nonetheless.)

You describe the trouble that alcohol has brought to your lives, and then when it seems that your wife finally recognizes that fact and wants to free herself from that unnecessary source of problems, instead of being supportive you choose alcohol over your wife.

It appears to me that you're not just watching your love die, EazyE. You're contributing to its death.

I'm not going to offer an opinion on what's best for you, EazyE. With all your wife's problems, your marriage was bound to be...interesting...for many years to come, and quite possibly it would never have become eazy.

But I hope you take a closer look at what has brought you to this point. I suspect that there are a few more lessons waiting to be learned from your experience.