I am new to the Marriage Builders site but not new to divorce. I have been, in what feels like a raging battle zone for over 3 years. My husband of 15 years went into a clinical depression and left home saying he needed a divorce or he would die. He said he loved me but had to get out. I learned along time ago that he was the one in control of his life and no ammount of begging and pleading on my part would make any difference if his mind was made up....his mind was made up I'm afraid. I let him know he was loved and wanted and would be welcomed back and then I got on with my life.

The thing that totally confuses me is his anger at me. He left, filed for divorce and got it but he is so extremely angry it is irrational. I held him accountable financially, made sure I was left with at least some financial support. We have 2 children, so asking for and getting support was my legal right and his moral obligation. I have thought for a long time that it was about the money but I'm not sure that is it. The man makes an enormous amount of money and stands to inherit even more.

When he left there was no other woman and until recently he has not been involved with anyone. He is now though and I had thought that would calm his anger down. He only seems worse though since becoming involved. It is all so confusing to me and his actions in front of the children are disrespectful to me and them. Does anyone have any idea why someone would be so angry after getting what they wanted? Thanks!!
Darcy

I'll tell you why, I think--because he has found that leaving you did not solve all the problems, and that now he is just some guy kicking around looking for happiness and comfort, which are both elusive, at best.

Once he ditched you, whom he thought was the instigator of all problems, he realized that the depression and unhappiness were actually coming from within, and now he has that bothersomeness
mixed in with a whole lotta loneliness piled on.

Life is crazy. I have learned this hard lesson.
The things we want can do us in big time.

I'm on a soapbox lately.
We started seeing a counselor to work on communication through the separation and D, for the children. What it's done is show H how uncommunicative he's been, and he's listening to the counselor - a man. In fact, he recently had a breakthrough which resulted in an acceptable settlement proposal and his recognition that he needs further counseling. I'm also seeing an IC.
I've talked with many in my divorce support group, and counseling on communication is a great way of showing the children cooperation, and being better parents, even if it doesn't result in a revelation. I highly recommend it.
Make sure you find a counselor specifically on communication and relationship, but state that it's not to work on reconciliation.
Good Luck.

He did not get what he wanted... he wanted peace. You have become his scapegoat and ‘killing’ the scapegoat did not work. He has yet to realize that the demon is within himself.

As for the money, having to give to you probably does upset him. It's like you got a piece of him and that keeps him connected to you. On some level he probably still does love you, but you are the root of all evil. This is all irrational stuff.

My X is like this too. Though he got married recently, 6 years after our divorce. He is almost not angry at me anymore. He still sees me as the boggy woman, but at least most of he deep seated anger has dissipated. I just hope he treats his new wife well and she does not become the boggy woman now. Our son has to be with them sometimes so yes I do care what their home life is like.

All you can do is concentrate on yourself. He may or may not solve his own torment in this lifetime.

My X is like this too. Though he got married recently, 6 years after our divorce. He is almost not angry at me anymore. He still sees me as the boggy woman, but at least most of he deep seated anger has dissipated. I just hope he treats his new wife well and she does not become the boggy woman now. Our son has to be with them sometimes so yes I do care what their home life is like.

All you can do is concentrait on yourself.

Thanks ladies, you have all told me exactly what my mother has. His divorce didn't solve his problems. I guess I think too rationally though. In my mind if what you are doing doesn't get you the end result you desire you start doing something else. I'm sure my ex suffers a lot. My word, the man robbed himself of his family!! What I wonder is, do they ever fully realize that the "demons" are within themselves?

It helps my pain knowing that life is not all sugar and spice without me. I wish him well but I know he can't truly be happy until he faces himself. There is a small part of me that wishes he could do that, realize the problem wasn't me and want to come home again. I'll be honest with you, I still love my ex very much. No amount of concentrating on myself, dating or positive thinking has been able to take that away. I have a full life and I am a happy person and will continue to be whether he is a part of my life at all. I just wish I knew if there was something I could do to help dispell his anger, to help him see that I am not the problem.

I want to get your opinion on the "scapegoat" thing also. I have been his scapegoat from day one. He has said horrendous things about me. I've taken it for over 3 years, no defending myself, no holding him accountable for the lies he tells. I keep telling myself to let it go, that I know what really happened in that marriage and that is all that counts. I can't seem to let it go though, I want to defend myself. I want his family to know that he has lied. Have any of you dealt with this situation and if so how did you handle it? I had a phone consult with Steve Harley and according to him it is very important to not allow them to lie. According to him it is like dealing with a teenager. You have to teach them how to negotiate their own happiness without walking all over yours but you also have to be willing to set boundaries when thier behavior is offensive. My problem is...I fear it would only make him angrier if I stood up for myself.

Oh well, I'm flooded with emotion over this the last couple of days. I can go months at a time and hardly think about it and then BAM, it hits me all over again. Thank you for listening.
Darcy

newly, I wish he would consent to go to counseling. He won't though. He has been told by 2 counselors that his boys need him in counseling with them. He showed up one time, spew a lot of venom about me to them and that ws that. He now tells everyone that he did the counseling thing. I believe he stays away from it because he knows going would not enable him to use me as justification any longer. He knows he would have to admit some things about himself. He knows what he did was wrong. He was never one to admit he might have been wrong about anything.

zorweb, I thin you are right about the money. He left wanting to rob me of everything but I still have a little piece of him. He has nothing of me though!! He left thumping his chest saying he was going to get control of his life and I guess being able to do that means me being gone in every way. Maybe that is the problem, as long as I am in his life in anyway he will not ever be able to figure out that I was not the problem. Who the hell knows, better yet, why the hell do I still care?

Darcy-

Sorry for what you are going through and the emotions that it brings out.

My "anger zone" experience has gone on for 3 years as well and, I too have experienced "post divorce" anger from my ex-wife and one thing I do believe that can contribute to this type of behavior is the whole money issue. My ex-wife is very wealthy and money is very, very important to her and she will realize a large inheritance yet money seems to be one of the "Tools" she makes use of to continue to vent and direct her anger at me.

Unlike you, I was the WS and after many years of problems that after the last 8 years of our marriage my wife refused to consider or try to nuture SF as one of the important relationship needs I had and needed.

I made the biggest mistake of my life thinking that going outside the marriage to solve problems in our marriage would in some way make things better or improve the situation.

After I confessed and tried to begin to find the path back to our marriage and took 100% responsibility for what I had done...the anger from my wife seemed to grow like a volcano. Three months after DD she filed for divorce and I moved out. Now looking back the last 5 years (Took 2 years for the divorce and have been divorced 3 years) the anger from my ex-wife has continued for the last 5 years and continues to this day...

A good friend of mine pointed out to me that my ex-wife did a very good job at divorcing me but cannot seem to divorce herself.

Now remarried, my ex-wife still is a very angry woman towards me...and while I have accepted what I did and learned a very painful lesson...I have tried to move on with my life...but I still continue to experience her...

1. Calls to me at 3:00am w/hang ups.
2. Calls me at my job and hangs up.
3. Still feels I owe 50% of the money I spent on my Father's funeral...back to her since we were still married when he died.
4. She has also filed a motion with the court indicating that she now does not agree with the decree language that outlined how we had to split the last bit of assets we sold last year and the related taxes we both agreed to each pay. She now wants me to pay more of her taxes.

So...thank God we did not have any children. Having children exposed to that much toxic anger would not ever, ever be a good thing for them. I feel sorry for her new husband.

All you can do is hang in there and not give your ex-mate the power to annoy you with their anger.

Getting what they wanted is not any guarantee that that an ex-spouse will not continue to be very, very angry.

mr r

Darcy, Sorry to hear what you're going through but I can empathize. My STBXH also got what he wanted, but turned me into "Queen B1+(h" anyway.

He started drinking after 9 years sobriety, spent 4 months screaming at me about his belief that I was still in love with a boyfriend from 20+ years ago, then left and moved into a motel room with a young married woman "friend" 27 years younger than himself.

He's lived with her now for 20 months. He's lied to me, said he wanted to come home, said their relationship was over, gone to counselling 4 different times with me (including MB) but always quit, accusing the counsellor of being on my side. All except the last one who said that he had to get sober and quit seeing OW or there was no point to counselling.

So I'm divorcing him and what do I hear through the grapevine? "What did I ever do to her (me)?"... "I'm not taking anymore of her (my) s41+ (I'm supporting him and OW because he walked away from our jointly owned business but still owns 1/2 of it until the D is final)."... Yet he says he's happy...

I've only recently started to get over him. I wish he really was happy because he probably wouldn't be so angry at me. I understand how you can still care. I did EVERYTHING I could think of to save our marriage but nothing worked. Yet it has helped me to let go of the anger, the sadness, the fear, and the grief. For that I'm grateful.

Worse than what happenned would be for the feelings to go on forever... At this point, I just want the D to be final so that I can get on with my life!

Good Luck.

DarcyM,

Living well is the best revenge.

Not that you nor I are seeking revenge… it just works out that way.

This is another think that has made my XH angry. It seems he thought that I could not make it without him. That I’d just fall apart. Perhaps he thought that it would be my final punishment for ‘not being a good wife.’ He’s really into punishments. Instead I’ve done very well without him. I know this really bothers him. He’s remarked on it a few times. I replied, “Did you expect anything else?”

Perhaps this is another reason he’s angry. You are doing ok. He is not.