My wife has been struggling with drug addiction and at least one case infedility for the past few years. This last Saturday, I tooke my kids camping and she stayed home because I wanted her to decide what she wants, marriage or no marriage. Well, I had to come home late Saturday and found she spen the night somewhere. She said that she wne to the movies and slept at her friends house.

I came to find out that it was a lie (she has lied about the drugs and affairs in the past as well). She admitted that she did another oxyxontin and fell asleep at another friends (who has no phone). I gave her a choice to either go into a 28 day program or she needed to move out--I am at the end of my rope emotionally trying to forgive and forget what she has done.

So, after discussion, she agreed to do an intensive outpatient program, see a therapist, start meeting with the pastor's wife for Christian mentoring and not going out for the next six months.

The next day, she told me that she doesn't want the marriage anymore, that she has been miserable for the past eight years and she did drugs because she wsa unhappy with me. She blames her father for talking her into getting married (she was the one who brought up the idea 14 years ago). She says she was never "in love" with me, I am too restrictive, etc.

So...now she wants to separate so she can find herself. She wants an in-home separation because she says that would be the best for the kids. I feel that this would be actually worse because it would drive me nuts because I still love her, and that the stress would be more destructive on the children than if we were living apart (they are boy, girl, boy, 8, 10, 12 respectively).

I received advice from my pastor who pretty much agrees with me. My trust in her is completely gone (e.g., she said she went to the drug IOT program last night. I went there and did not see her car. When I questioed her about it, she cussed me out and told me she hates me--this happen quite a bit).

I am wanting her to move out because she refuses to see a counselor (marriage or individual) but she says she can't find a job, etc. I feel that she wants to have the best of both worlds and I cannot deal with that anymore.

Help!

p.s., Thank you for your patience

I am so sorry for you and your family.

I am no expert by any means and have only been frequenting these boards for the last few weeks, but I agree with you and don't think that an in house separation is prudent.

I am in the process of getting a place to move to and the tension at home is horrible when we are both in the house. The reality of being around someone that you love but can't show that love to is unbearable. But, you may be able to implement what is known as Plan A while she is at home much easier, (go to the search engine and look up Plan A on this site.) Although it sounds like this may not be a real option in your case. My opinion is that your wife should move out and see what she needs out of life.

Again, I am so sorry for your pain and anguish. but just know that others are here for you. They have been for me.

If you want any chance of keeping your house don't move out until there is a court order for you to move out. Don't force your wife to move out either. As far as the drug addiction goes, get help, lots of it. There is no sense in talking about anything until she if off the drugs. Her mind is not working right. Also remember she is responsible for her own actions. You did not force her to take drugs or have affairs. Don't buy into that stuff. Just get help with the drugs first then work on the marriage. Good Luck.

Dear BH:

I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I think this is a no brainer. You should separate and your W should be out of the house. You cannot expose your children to a mother that is an active drug user.

MB priciples do not work until the addiction is handled first.

Of course she hates you if you interfer with her drug addiction.

Please protect your family.

All my best to you

Jack

First of all when a person uses drugs s/he is committing a crime punishable with jail or prison time.

Second, your children are beign exposed to live with a drug addict who of all people happens to be their mother, and this is totally unacceptable.

Contact an attorney about what you can do to kick her out of the house, considering that she is a criminal that may become a danger to you and your family.

Good luck.

bh,

Sorry that you are in this position but I know first hand what it can be like with a spouse who is addicted and acts out on all the other stuff, affairs, don't know what they want...blah...blah...blah. Well until the drugs or alchohol are not ruling their lives, they are living in big time deception.

So...now she wants to separate so she can find herself.

She wants to find herself !!! She wants to find drugs and it means most likely she has found another.

My WH (also into drugs) doesn't live at home. I had been doing plan A then recently found out about the drugs. For me, a legal separation is the next step. Steve Harley suggested that I ask WH what his plan was to recover from drugs & to rebuild our M. ( He most likely wont have a plan) Then I say that he is hurting us way more than he can understand and that for me & the kids to feel safe, that we will do legal separation.

I couldn't imagine when drugs are involved, having a WS at home ESPECIALLY when kids are involved. She won't feel the full imact of her decisions while at home.

Have you been to alanon? It can really help. I fought it for over 15 years, but at the urging of some others on the MB site, have sarted going and am very gratefull that I did.

It's a horrible situation to live in, when you love someone, and they are mom/dad to your kids, yet totally throw thier lives away. That is her choice however and she will have to come to the realization that her life the way it is , isn't working and seek help. I pray that your wife finds her way back & I pray for you and your kids.

God Bless,

D.

Thanks for the replies!

I still love her but these constant suspicions are taking their toll on me. She is always angry at me when I check on her where abouts, but when I do, I find that she has lied to me.

I am making an appointment with a psychiatrist to see if I need anti-depressants since this is pretty much like plan B.

She says she is not even interested in any relationship, but I suspect that there is someone else...

Part of me thinks this is a good thing and we can get on with our lives, another part wants to try to work it out...I think the first part will prevail.

Thanks!

Sorry to hear of your situation. In house seperations only work if neither one of you are in love. Your wife is very dependant on drugs , thats why she's so angry with you-because you're onto her.
Unfortunately the only thing that you can do is put her out and allow her to hit bottom. With drugs it does't always take too long( expensive and illegal).
This is a time for tough love. It will make you absolutely miserable and CRAZY if you let her stay and someone needs to be strong . Remember-she's medicating her real self, you have to FEEL this pain-its no fun my friend! If you let her stay you are enabling the behavior. Let her know that you love her and won't watch her destroy herself along with the family. If she wants to come back, she knows what she needs to do PERIOD.
Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.