33 y/o male, D 4 months ago after I was unfaithfull (11/01)at the peak of a 1 1/2 yr sub-clinicall depression, out of impulse allowed affair after OW said all niceties I was "missing" at home during such time.This lasted 2 months, has not seen or heard from OW again, and do not want to ever. My life I came to re-discover is my XW, children and my home. I understand the consequences of my actions and I am ready if need be to continue my life withouth my family. XW acknowledges would like home, children and husband in same house again, but is confused weather she still loves me or not AND she met OM 4 mo. ago, "not serious", "just a friend to talk to" , "no sex", (her words) who is still lurking in the periphery and calls her from time to time (or at least that's what I am told, and I believe her, but obviously bugs me inmensly). We have 2 children ages 2 and 4 now. I re-appeared after extensive meditation, reading, praying 1 mo. and 3 weeks ago, found still loves her deeply and want to do the right thing for me and her and obviously with wonderfull side-effect of children growing up, as I did, with Mom and Dad in-house. Feedback has been good, she is willing to allow me around her and children as I like, states she feels for me but not sure she loves me right now, states she wants time to work her anger that lingers. We have been sharing with children at our X-home, beach, movies and even finally after 8 months (that's when I left initially) went out with her on date! and this was the best time I had in 8 months! (tear almost came down here). Now here is the thing:
1:She does not feel able to sit down with Psych. to work things out (by herself not considering couple tx yet since she has not come to that descicion as such), and I, as well as my Psych. think would be great help specially at such a sensitive time.
2-She refuses to stop communicating with the other guy. This kills me emmotionally but would not dare to ask it, I do not think I have any wrights now.
3-I am fearfull we might be stalling, although my Psych. disagrees, she thinks we are doing well given the situation and inclines to being optimistic about eventuall reconciliation despite the other guy. I am a bit more reserved because I know my XW and if she still gives him a space is because it is that important to her emmotionally, and again this kills me, it hurts ! intensely.
I have taken steps towards financially isolating her so that she does not have to be bothered by bills, I help as much as my job allows me to, withs children going over and trying to relieve her from the intense demands two small children can create, I have given her reading materials (most copies from some of the materials on this site) on infidelity and how to survive it. I do believe that she loves me but was so deeply hurt by my actions that between that and this OM on the horizon, finds it very hard to find direction. OM by the way was a "friend" in college and has never been able to marry, no children, has a boat and it gives me the willies although I am told (of course by her) he is a good man.

I am anxious, a bit fearfull for my family, love my wife (XW should say) and would do anything and everything to see all of us 4 together under one roof. I dream of all the fun we would have re-falling in love and keep walking life together.

Please give some advice on next step
for example I would like feedback on:
1-should I continue plan A?
2-should I hire a PI to fiund out more about this OM (I really don't think he is that holly)?
3-how could I, withouth being too pushy, re-suggest that it is in her best interest to see Psych. at this time?
4-Am I tripping and prepare to go my own way?

Gob bless and thank you in advance for the advice.

Have you read the material on this web site and the books "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"? And have you been Plan A'ing your Xwife?

That is the place to start. Other then that you will have to court her and win her back. You know this. You also know that it's frustrating since you are now on her timeline. What I've read Harely say is to give the courting one to two years if you are serious about this. She will need a long time to make sure you are not going to repeat history as soon as she is back with you.

The road to recovery can be very long.

1-should I continue plan A?

Yes, Plan A is more about you than anyone else. It’s about becoming happy and secure where you are in relationship to where they are and accepting the circumstances of the time.

2-should I hire a PI to find out more about this OM (I really don't think he is that holly)?

WHY? Will it influence your decision? Will it in any way make you a better person? Plus what if you find out that he ain’t all that “holly”, then what are you going to do? Confront your X and show her that you have “CONTROLLING” tendencies and basically drive her into his arms. You know it could be that he simply is someone with whom she can relate and share things with. I have female married friends who talk to me about their relationships and what not. So does that mean I’m doing them, if I am, then I must not remember it when I wake up. I guess I see this as a “control” issue that you really need to get past if you want a shot at all. I may sound like I’m harping on you pretty bad here, it’s because I was a BS who was divorced over a year ago. Yes I have friends that I visit with frequently and I’ve been ACCUSED many times of screwing around. DUDE, trust me, he could just be a friend.

3-how could I, without being too pushy, re-suggest that it is in her best interest to see Psych. at this time?

You don’t…. That would be considered controlling and would drive a wedge between y’all. What you can do is work on all your bad habits, become the person that you are happy with, exude this happiness and pray that it is appealing to her. Then if things are going good it could be a suggestion that y’all start some counseling together in hopes of reconciliation and if the answer is no, then DROP it.

Best of luck….

Thank you Bill. I appreciate your feedback. It makes sense and I am finding it somewhat difficult at this time to manage my insecurities and I fear thats where some of this PI business comes from. The pain is deep, the guilt as well. The realization that the final straw in our marriage came from me regardles of why and its consequences are sometimes overwellming to process and difficult not to feel a degree of dispair.

Recently I have seen a psychologist and it has helped, she too recomends to slow down, to give her time and to keep "plan A'ing her". She has not verbilized she wants to try reconciling, but her actions over the past 1 1/2 months suggests it strongly to me and to everyone I discuss it with to include my psych. Meaning she has spent almost these past 3 weeks sharing in a number of ways and to include as I said even a date wich I honestly felt went well and she agrees to this when asked. I do not want to rush it and ruin it. I want to do the right thing and I know she wants her "home" and I do too. I just find it difficult to hold back one day after another when I am so certain about this, sadly for now she apparently is not.

I was sugg. last night to consider proposing into moving back together with intent to marry. My XW knows I want to find my way home, but I have not asked literally if I could move back and to marry me again. I fear it might be too big a leap of faith and might put undue pressure on an already more than fair process of healing. Specially when she has not even verbilized she wants to reconcile yet. The other side of the coin is, might she actually come out and state "OK I am ready to reconcile" at any point given what happened? She probably awaits for me to make the move and just by asking put myself on record. What do you think?

I think that you are an [censored]. You pushed it so far as to a divorce. I don't feel sorry for you and think that you should let her dad or brother kick your [censored]. After that, then she should have her new boyfriend kick your [censored]. Your a selfish me person, the best thing you could do is leave her alone and let her get on with her life.

You also have the overtones of being abusive and controlling. You should not hire a P.I. to watch an OM with your EX-WIFE. You need to be on more medications and have a few beatings to the side of your head. I have a therapy class that I run that includes a can of Whoop-[censored] for guys like you.

Can't have your cake and eat it. If you want to *talk*, I have no problem. Call me, we'll both enjoy it.

GotSmart

GotSmart:

If you do run a therapy group, I am certain it must be a very small one.

Your reply is hostile and sterile, I do not appreciate the tone of it, even when you might be right about the controlling thing. Physical agression would only further depress me right about now. Please note I am going through something I have never experienced before. I am honest and hard working, the rest might very well be up for some impromvements, but I believe I can always strive to better myself.

I though this was a place you could express your issues and rely on the notion that those of you out there would have the sensitivity to add in the best way possible. Calling names and offering beatings are definitively not the tools of improvement specially in this arena. You run therapy I treat cardiovascular patients. Disease and its sequale are not unfamiliar to me. I am on medication as prescribed by my Psych. (again, the first time I am the patient, "normaly" I cure people and MD's tend to be the worst pt. ever, wich incidentally could have made our situation worst since I know now that I waited too long to properly approach the issues while married).But of course you probably did not appreciate this since by judging by your reply, nobody at your "therapy" sessions could possibly reconcile, of course unless you happen to give therapy at the WWF. I have never been abusive physically or psychologicaly, and I love my XW and my children very much. I need help and I am doing the best that I can and the fact that I am writing at a site like this is only part of my search and quest to learn and live the best that I can at this point in time and possibly for the rest of my future emmotional life. I see your point, just don't be agresive, like I said, do not appreciate the delivery but certainly any more feedback on the matter at hand.

ps. I don't fight since the eight grade, but I am 6'1'' and 190, trim and know were all the major arteries are....ji,ji,ji

Thank God NOT all of us feel like gotsmart. Not every thing is cut and dry! I am the WW . First thing I would like to say is backspace if you want your wife back I hope it works out for you. Try plan A, it might work. I loved my H and I still love my H. I want him back more than any thing. We have been married 15 years and have 2 children together and he adopted my OD. I am going to tell you some thing gotsmart NOT all women who cheat do it to hurt the men they love!!!
I was sexualy abused when I was 5, I was raped at the age of 11 almost evry day for a year!!! I was raped by a MAN!! I never got counseling because in the 70's we did not talk about stuff like that. ( what would people think of my family) I grew up well off in Ca. The rape was more painful then any one can even think, no matter where I went to hide he would find me. Here I am now at 37 I thought I forgot all about what happen( he found me again so to speak) my H and I were having a normal marriage, he leaves to go on a six month deployment ( he is in the navy has been since the day I met him and married him) I was always faithful to him. He came home saying he had new female friend( no matter what I think or how I feel she is going to be his friend) all my old feelings of not being good enough came back to make things worse she told me I was not good enough for him. ( I guess he being a drunk and fat with fizzy hair she was better for him.)She would hang all over my H and kiss his neck, flirt with him in frount of our children. Any how all the old feeling and old lies people told me has a child came back to haunt me( you are not good enough, No man will ever want you, you are damaged goods). I started having dreams and them my H always wanted to be with her, we would go to her house for dinner ( did I say she is married too) he kept telling me no matter what that they were going to be friends.We even moved 3 blocks around the corner from her!! Well no matter what through me back into my past of acting out. if you really do counseling groups you know that is a real thing for sexualy abused people. I had sex with two men, I don't think of them as affairs because to me an A you have to like the person. I did not I wanted to punish my self for not being good enough. My H has had 3 counselors tell him what happen we don't live together. I have the children he still see her every weekend and once or twice durring the week. He calls her every day. I love him and want him back. I have been in counseling for 4 months now for women who have been sexualy abused. I did not set out to hrut my H did I hurt him, yes. I am I sorry, YES . Was I wrong in what I did YES, but I really could not stop it. Now with counseling I no longer do the behaviors I did to get me in this place. I know I am good enough, People who know me love me and know I am a good person even my H knows all of this. Right now he is in the middle of his pain and still seeing Her. So not every thing is cut and dry like you try to make it. I read some of your other post to see if you were just out of line with backspace, but I saw that you feel women are out to hurt men ( but a man raped me so who hurt who did I ask for what I got??) I saw your men get some balls, most men have them and just because I man loves his wife does not mean he has no balls he loves her. Is backspace going about this in the wrong way?? Maybe but he is still learnig like the rest of us. I am sorry backspace I used your thread to say some stuff to gotsmart but he was out of line with you. Not all women are mean and out to hurt men.
Good luck
Try plan A
but you might have to give up the idea that you will get back with your wife.
Lori <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you for the feedback Lori. I am clear that the outcome might very well be not getting back together. I am truly preparing myself for either outcome and to be frank, what hurts right now is not so much the not having them near, but rather the fact that she can not come to a descicion about us, again it is reasonable at this point, but the uncertainty really makes me anxious.

A ray of hope? She started to see a Psychthis eek, something she did not wanted 7 weeks ago, too angry she said. Still calls every day, she is as calm as I have seen her since my efforts towards a reconciliation started. As I see it, given the things I put her through, the fact that she did not tell me NO right off the bat and furthermore tell me that she still care about me,and just to "give her time" gave me plenty of encouragement. I do not know and have not asked, about the other guy. I did not hired any PI, that was just a stupid idea born out of a bit of unjustified jelaousy, wich I am not entitled anymore. I have decided to just not dwell on this anymore, focus on the best and bright that each day brings, period.I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

"What the soul knows how to seek, it can not fail to conquer"

Backspace,
I am very Happy for you. I know counseling is hard to go to at first. Because I see two a week. I really hope things work out for you. I know what you are saying about the descicion, My H said he wants six month to find out what he wants. He said he is not going to BullS*** me it will more than likely be a divorce, But at times it feels like the time is standing still and my heart keeps saying pick me.
I am glad you did not do the PI, you would have spent all this money and you might have found out more than you wanted to know. Plus the money could be better spent on your children <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I hope you all the happiness <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Good Luck
Lori