This is more a vent than anything else (so u've been warned...)

After trying to help my XH through his depression and suicide, he started treating me badly again after he started feeling better. So I told him to stop contacting me. All well for .... about 5 days... he called me about 2 hours ago. Wanted to know where I found out about him and his new wife (soon to be x no. 2... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). Told him it was in the past and of no relevance now where I found out. BTW the story was that he met her while still living in my area and that she was the cause of my marriage breaking up. He denies this and says that he only met her down where he lives now. The story is she followed him... Now why if I had the wrong story would this bother him so much? It became a much heated conversation. He asked whether it was a friend/former colleague of his who told me. And because he was highly agitated I thought if I told him it wasn't this guy that he would leave it, but no, once I told him he wanted to know whether it was his wife who told me! Now these 2 people are close to him right? So they would know the whole sequence of events.... right? So then the story that I have is the truth.... And he can't stand that I know the truth. He started threatening me if I ever loved him I would tell him how I found out!!??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Can you believe this man? I told him if thats the way he feels it is fine. He also started telling me how self absorbed I am! I said well if that was coming from someone who meant something to me I would pay attention to it. Then he said one day I'm going to meet a man that I deserve who is going to sort me out! I said something bad, but childish that I won't repeat here and put the phone down. I have put down a boundary now, he is my ex and there will be no more communication.

I just don't understand why I let him get under skin still. Wish I had closure and from other posts see that it is not something easy to achieve. Because he still affects me, this must mean I do not have closure. Well the only way I know how to deal with him is no contact.... again....

Thanks for listening
Pantha

Pantha,

Sorry to hear that your X is still being irrational. You might want to think about a restraining order. That and some counseling to try to figure out why he still gets to you. Perhaps you're not quite over him for whatever reason.

Eventually, you reach a point of not caring anymore. My X used to get really angry with me if I didn't call our S. I finally told her that the reason I didn't call was because I didn't want to talk to her. (S is 4, doesn't like talking on the phone). She hung up on me and since then our relationship has been much better. All you can hope is that eventually he'll get his life together enough to not need you.

Actually, that might be a big part of it. His life is still a wreck and he has to be angry at someone besides himself. So he calls you and instigates a fight. I guess you just have to find a way not to take the bait. Good luck with that, lol. It was nearly impossible for me for a long time.

Hang in there.

Pantha,

Why are you trying to protect the person/people who told you about what was going? They were apparently in on the information to begin with which is how you found out..

it sounds like he wants to know who told because he wants SOMEONE ELSE to blame for his problems..
he can't blame you because you were no where around-

it also sounds as if he's trying to figure out who he can trust to lie and cover up for him and who wont..

But, you can get him out of your life by not running everytime he calls, not being there to pick him up when he's down..let him fall..if you keep running to his side he'll never suffer the consequences of his actions..and be able to maybe learn from them...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When will my XH no longer be part of my life... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">when you don't allow him . . .

by hanging up the phone
by not talking to him
by not interacting with him in any way!

its not that hard. . .

but ask yourself,
what do you get from talking with him?
because you are getting something. . .
and i don't know what it is, but you do. . .
if you ponder long enough and hard enough. . .

wiftty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong>when you don't allow him . . .

by hanging up the phone
by not talking to him
by not interacting with him in any way!

its not that hard. . .

wiftty</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WIFTTY, are you a mind reader?

Anyway, ((PANTHA)), I second what wiftty said.

my soon to be x wife tells me that when I hang up on her that I am being vengeful. I told her no I'm not I just don't want to hear what you have to say anymore. The day you walked out of my life was the day that I no longer had to here you ***** and complain to me about everything... She got so mad she hung up on me.... LOL
How vengeful of her to hang up on me.... LOL

Hi Pantha,

I was going to say the same thing as Wiftty. You have no reason to remain in contact with him if you don't want it. You have no children.....that bitter/sweet tie that a lot of us do have. I envy you, I really do, because if I never saw that stbx of mine ever again, it would be just fine with me!!

Stay well and stay strong!

Love and light,

Jacky

PS, have you been reading my posts lately? That little bit of work you did for me was an immense help when I found out for sure they had shacked up together...cos I already knew, thanks to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

Thank you all for your input. I am doing my best to break contact with him. I will post a proper reply tomorrow as I have to leave for my dance class now....

take care all....
Pantha

Can I go to dance class with you. That would be one of my favorite ways to exercise. REally would be. Have taken ballet and jazz as an adult. You should see a pregnant woman in tights and leotard in mixed gender dance class.

Do you have the ability to block his telephone number so you will not receive incoming calls from him? Then, if he ever emails you, block his address.

I can't remember but I don't think you two had children. If you did, he'll be there in one form or another until one of you dies. I know, that's a disqusting thought. If not, maybe he'll go away soon.

Pantha, you could learn to hang up. I'm working on that. I'm not yet good at it. When my x gets ugly, I usually just sit the phone down and walk off and let him talk to the air. I sometimes wonder how long he talks before he realizes I'm not there and how annoyed he is when he realizes I didn't listen to him. But I don't fret over it and I don't listen when he yells at me and is rude or ugly or mean.

Pantha -

Keep trying to stick to your boundaries. It's not easy at all. It's hard! But, it's not impossible.

It was not long ago that I was receiving the same wonderful advice about how to set my boundaries and learn how to not communicate with my now ExH.

It was hard at the time to follow the advice - although I tried and tried it seemed that I kept on failing.

However, there will come a day that you will be strengthened and it will be easier and easier for you to do and things will become clearer and clearer. It's like the BS's coming out of their own little fog.

Just keep doing what you know is right and everything will fall into place. As my therapist says, you've got excellent instincts- you just need to trust yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Stay strong. K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pantha-

You've already received a ton of great advice and I totally agree with them. You and I have talked about this many times before as well.

Hon, you need to detatch and hold firm to those boundaries. Your X is a mess and you are so stuck in the routine of his roller coaster ride that you keep hopping back on. STOP! Wiffty is right, it is giving you something, but as someone who has been there, done that, it is not healthy.

Stop being there, don't answer the phone. It is only when you make the break that you will be at peace and whole again. You deserve it and I have full confidence that you can do it.

I myself rode the roller coaster for years. As my X's A and our D came to light I slowly but surely detatched and found myself again. It is not easy, but as you force yourself to do it each time you do it gets easier. Trust me on this. I am no longer at my x's beck and call, I can see it is bad for him, but awesome for me.

Take care and God bless!

K

I have been trying to analyse why I do take his calls and what do I get from it? This has been quite difficult for me.... I think I want something positive from him. I want him to be friendly with me and I want him to be nice to me, just because of what we once shared. I want him to say that he made a mistake for thinking our marriage was bad enough to walk away from. Maybe I want this so that I can feel ok about myself again. So that I cannot feel like something has been ripped away from me and has left a wound so deep it may never heal. I really want to move on and be happy again. It feels as if there is no one out there that I will be able to be happy with, that there is no one suited to me. Now I know that I shouldn't need a relationship to feel fulfilled right? But ever since I can remember I've wanted to be in a relationship and feel secure and loved. But I don't know if I will ever find enough common ground again with someone to be in lasting relationship. Maybe sometimes I feel that XH is right when he says that no one else would put up with my [censored]. I feel like love will elude me as my chance for love has come and gone.... But again I shouldn't feel I need a relationship to be ok. I don't think I'll be happy to be single for the rest of my life....

But with regards to his calls I will do my best not to take calls from him. I can see his number on my cell but not on my home or work phones. I cannot ask the telephone company to block his calls - there's no service like that here. Also the last call I took was from his mom's number so I couldn't have been sure that it was him. I also think sometimes I miss his 'frienship' and think maybe this time it will just be different.... Bottom line though is to not take his calls. I know.....

Cinderella do u still dance? I started dance (modern/jazz) just after the separation, something I did for me that I would never have done if I'd still been married to XH. I totally enjoy it, just sorry never joined sooner.... I'm incredibly stiff as the dance school is closed with our school terms so it was 3 weeks of doing no exercise. So remember to join me every Tuesday and Wednesday ok!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

TR - the person who told me about the story was the receptionist or switchboard operator that worked at his company. I was checking to see whether he still worked at his company as I was getting a funny voice message on his cell and needed to get hold of him to sign some papers. So she told me that he had resigned and was getting married to Alona on Saturday. Just like that..... first time I got OW name, first time I got info, and this lady had already said too much - she thought I knew the story and because I wanted to know some things I asked her and she told me, not in a malicious way, just told me the things that happened. That she thought XH was making a mistake and a few details.... She also said plse don't tell anyone that she told me this. I said I would not and I will stick to the promise I made and I don't even know the lady's name. You have made some very valid points in your post. It does seem as if he's trying to figure who he can trust to cover for him. A friend of mine reckons there is probably more stuff that he knows could 'come out' and maybe thats why he wants to know the source.

Thank you everyone for your wise words.... I appreciate it and will keep reading what you guys have posted here for me and each time I feel like taking those calls...

Love
Pantha