What I mean is, in the big scheme of things, non of the nonsense really had to happen or did it?

For instance, if my H was so unhappy, why did he tell me he was so happy?

If he was that upset about not getting SF from me, why did he say it to me in such a mean way?

And after the whole affair discovery - if he loved me, why didn't he fight for our marriage?

Those things make me wonder. I don't regret the decision I made to move on with my life and get a divorce. It's for many of these reasons, that I know that I can't stay married to this man.

But, gosh, it does make me wonder......what if?

Anyone ever feel the same way?

Llama

I feel that way everyday.
What would of...
What could of...
What should of...
But they chose to do it their way... and no it didn't have to be the way that it is.
Sad for them, and sad for myself and my family.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

What if I had known?
What if I hadn't done...?
What if she had told me?
What if I had sent flowers?
What if she had said sorry?
What if I hadn't said "come back"?
What if I had been stronger?
What if I had been more observant?
What if she had explained?
What if I had listened?
What if....?

No nothing had to be this way. Nothing should have been this way. I 'think' I had the power to keep it from occurring, but I lacked the knowledge to weild that power. But character of the other person cannot be changed by you nor me, but only by the thoughts and desires of the person him/herself. And that is what makes a person a person.

Doing the right thing even when nobody is watching. That is my definition of character. In my opinion, it is the single attribute from which almost all others stem. It regulates how a person behaves in a love/hate/sad/devious, any type of situation at all. It is the basis from which all decisions are made, regardless of whether an opportunity presents itself, or the person actively conspires to search out the opportunity.

No, this didn't have to happen this way, but don't forget, as I often do, that it takes two to make a marriage but only one to break a marriage. You cannot reserve all the thoughts of change for yourself. I often find myself thinking, I was the strong one, I was the responsible one, I was the person who should have seen what was going on and fixed/prevented it from happening. But lately I realize that I probably couldn't have done anything to ultimatley change her. And that is where HER problem lies. I can only fix me, and I think that I am definitely on the right track. I am much happier with myself than before she had her affairs. I am a much better Daddy. I am a much better man. And maybe, eventually, I will be a much better husband. I guess there is a little bit of a silver lining even to these dark clouds.

Thanks Wallace and CACB -

You're responses were very touching. I think that way sometimes, asking myself those same questions.

Keep in touch,
Llama

I've felt that way a lot recently. My ex e-mailed me about two weeks ago asking if I was happy in my new relationship and to tell the man I was with to be good to me and to realize he has something he can't afford to lose.

I wrote back a chipper e-mail telling him that I was happy and I just wanted everyone involved in the whole mess to be at peace and that I wanted him to forgive himself for the A and the divorce. But it hurt to read that. Why after nearly two years does he finally wake up? I would never go back, the damage was too much and the love I had was destroyed by his A and how hard the divorce was. I'm also very much in love with the person I'm with and the same loyalty my ex got he is getting as well.

But that simple mail did bring out the "what if", I wonder what could have become of us had he fought for our marriage instead of running to OW.

Confused and can't believe. "You are the man". Wonderful words of wisdom. If it was someone else and not me they make perfect sense - right...You hit the nail on the head I just wonder why we still feel down all the time knowing what we know... Is it just the pure and simpe loss of love, our investment in time, our shattered trust, our shattered dream of the future... what is it that keeps us depressed...?? i wonder...

Jack,

I think for me it is the thought that she really doesn't want this and doesn't realize it yet. It is the thought of what could have been and could be if we BOTH tried. It is the thought that my children will suffer a broken home because I did not do things right.

It is the thought that even though I understand, I have no clue. Even though I desire, it is not reciprocated. Even though I THINK I can see, she appears so blind. Even though I care, she seems careless.

Mostly, I think that it is because this is the most important thing in my life, and it is the first thing that I have ever really failed at.
If I had more failures to see that I could survive them then maybe it wouldn't feel so tragic. I know this may sound cocky, but it is the truth. I just have always made things work. I have always found a way. Now it is totally out of my hands, and I feel helpless, vulnerable, and alone.

My days and nights have been filled with "what if's".

When I think about this fact, however, I realize that my entire 11 year marriage was filled with the same ... what if she was more tolerant of me as a person, what if we could communicate better, what if she gave me the same affection I gave her ...

I think that most of us have to come to a conclusion, at some point, that we were powerless to stop this. That SOMEONE ELSE chose this. The only thing we can do now is choose the right reactions to the choices made by someone else.

I am slowly learning (thanks to all of you, and many friends and family) to begin living again without the "what if's". In fact, this is the 1st post I've made outside the thread I started about my own problems; reason being, today is the 1st time I've felt I had anything to offer the rest of you.

I've rolled up all my "what if's", put them in a bottle, and tossed them into an endless sea. Yes, they may someday wash back up on my own shore, but today I stand with my face in the breeze in great anticipation of my next ship.

I am moving on. There is SO MUCH to see in this life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />