Anyone out there still trying to come to grips with forgetting and moving on in life. I have a divorce pending with no chance of reconsiliation.I have trouble accepting that this is my fate and that I have to start making new plans. I am OK with the divorce. I have finally got good legal advice and things seems to be going my way.As least financially.Please don't write back offering plan A, B or councilling as this will not work.You will understand if you read my full story in an earlier post titled "Where do I go now after my wife has left me.."

I am still finding it very hard to get my wife out of my mind. Everywhere I go reminds me of her.There are very few places that we didn't go together so It's hard to find somewhere else.Besides, why should I change where I have always enjoyed going just because of her.Friends have been really supportive and are always asking me out for a drink at night,but when I go out with them, It's not the same as when I used to go out with my wife and I find that nights out are getting ruined by me wallowing in self pitty. I know I should try to take my mind off things and cheer myself up but I can't, and feel that without someone to love and share my life with, friends can't even come near to the feeling of sharing a good day trip out with a loved one, holding hands whilst out shopping for nice clothes for her, a night in with a movie holding one another close on the sofa or going out for a romantic meal.Friends just can't give me that feeling of home life.

I'm affriad that if I go looking for someone right now, they will never compare up to my wife, as the type of person I am looking for is HER! In the mean time, she and her new boyfriend are living very close to me and it hurts to keep bumping into them all the time and it is not helping me to take my mind off things. I feel like she should still be with me, but that will never happen.Even if she asked me back I believe it would not be for the right reasons and I could never trust her again and would not wish to go through the hurt a second time.I had a good marriage but she secretly felt very different and I believe she was only with me for monetary gain anyway.Even so, I can't just turn my feelings off like a tap,even though I know deep down that she didd't really love me.I was looking at our marriage through rose tinted glasses.

I find that the worst time is when I am on my own.Those few quiet moments before going to sleep I find myself thinking of him and her together and even though I am on Anti-Depressants, they don't seem to be able to take away the mental images that keep flashing up in my mind. Nor do they help the feeling of being lost in my own world. A world that is not yet my own, but one that I feel I am still living as half of someone else's life. I guess It's Rather like losing a limb and not being able to use it, but still feeling like it's a part of you.

I'm not asking to forget the past, as it will always be a part of my life. But I would like to be able to not care about her and move on. At the moment I keep seeing her car coming and going and wondering where she is and what she is doing right now and whether she is enjoying life with him as much as me etc. etc. These are things that should no longer be my concern but I can't help it.

Thanks for listening!

Marty

Marty,

All I can say is that time heals all. I am in the process of a D. I caught my WW about a year and three months ago. I filed for D last Nov. I can say that

Marty: Everything you have said I have felt also. I am now almost six months from D-Day and I still have a strong longing for the way things used to be. I know exactly what you mean by being with friends but still feeling alone because your special person is no longer by your side. The loneliness is real tough.

I think this is all part of the healing process. If she had died, you would expect to go through a grieving process. Well this is the same thing; a marriage has died.

I did read your previous posts several weeks ago and it sounds like you have come a long way since then. You sound stronger and you will just keep getting stronger as time goes on. It will be difficult and you will have some bad days but hang in there and it will get better.

Marty - I understand exactly how you feel - I have the same problem - not letting go - I can't seem to not keep wondering what is he doing ?? who is he doing it with?? What ? What? and the obsessing makes it worse and everyone tells you go on with your life why would you want them anyways ? but it is so much easier said than done - I can't imagine how it must feel to see them together - that is very insensitive of her... One day I believe we the BS will wake up and say ok I am done there is nothing left to do - it is over - i am ok with that - Now I am going to live for myself - Just know that there are many of us there in the same situation trying to take it day by day - and hoping that it gets easier as we go on...

Marty,

I'm with ya too, bro! My WW moved out only a month ago, but told me she was leaving 3 months ago, so our marriage has been over ever since. I'm dating again, and it's helped to heal the hurt a little. I would not suggest you date until you are over your wife, tho. My marriage was so bad for the last year that it's been an easier transition for me. Just keep the faith that God will give you the guidance to do the right thing, and pound it into your mind that this will all work out for the best. When you get down and "wallow in self pity" (man, I've been there bigtime!) hang out with friends or do a hobby that you enjoy doing alone. Take up a new hobby, work out till your tongue hangs out. I've lost 10 lbs by working out and dancing! Keep your mind off things and eventually the downhill parts of the roller coaster will level off and you will be over her in time. Trust me, it gets better, man.

Stay strong and if you need to, get some professional counseling (sorry I didn't read your whole story so if you are already, disregard) to help you thru all this. You shouldn't have to handle this alone.

Good Luck,

NK

MartyB,
I think everybody on this board is experiencing, or has experienced what you are going through, including myself.
I don't think you will ever forget... the pain of it all will lessen as time goes on. I'm not sure you want to forget, I know I don't... you need to remember, so you don't repeat the same mistakes in any new relationship.
Forgive... that I believe is the key to helping you heal and move forward, which again is going to take time.
When you have have had the rug pulled out from under you when you least expected it like most of us have, it takes a little bit of time to get back up and stand on your own two feet again. Once your standing then you need to get your bearings straight and your brain put back into your head. Again, it is going to take time to recover from all of that. (I hate saying that time is going to help heal all of this, but I truly believe it will).
I know this doesn't help much, but hang in there,your not alone. Hopefully it will get better for you, as well as everyone who is going through this at this time.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Marty- dang you nailed it... geez. same situation for me (except I was engaged to be married and not married and I bleive that for a time she truly did love me). Heartbreaking to say the least.. I think some comfort may lie back in times when you were at your happies pre-her. meaning your single life, when you were only accountable to you and what fun times you enjoyed during those periods. I think that is a start... Tough when all the current things included her and you likely brought her into your world to share... good luck! Jack72

Thanks for all the support so far.Keep them coming.I need all the support I can get right now.

In response to Fingers. Losing a partner who has died does mean going through a grieving process, but in some ways I think it would be easier.You see, if my wife had died last year, I would miss terribly, but a least I would have the pleasure of knowing that she had moved on having loved me.Also I would not have to go through the pain of having her living around the corner from me, tormenting me all the time. As I said in my earlier posts. She and her new BF are living in my old home where I have spent the last 5 years living, doing it up and making it our own.Now with him there, I feel like he is intruding on my personal space, by living in a house that I spent so much effort on.

It's not nice to think that he is walking on the carpets that I layed.Taking a bath in the bathroom that I built and cooking her a meal on the new kitchen suite that I installed and more upsetting..sleeping in my old bed with my wife in a house that was my home,castle and kingdom.

There's only one way into town, and that means passing the house.Every time I go past I feel like It is still my home and I should be living there.That's why It's hard to forget.After all everything in that house is all my work.Why should a virtual stranger come into my life and reap the rewards of living in a lovely new refurbished house that I made, walk on the garden that I layed and play daddy to two lovely bengal cats that were my family to me for all these years.

A good point! Does anyone know if I can claim custody of one of the cats? After all I fed them and cared for them like they were my own children for the last 5 years.Thing is,they were not mine to start off with,My wife bought them from kittens a few months before we got together, but it was mainly me that looked after them.

kind reagrds

Marty

Sorry About that last post. Looking back, it does seem a little immature doesn't it? But I guess as an animal lover, I really do miss the cats as if they were my own children, and I would like to see them again.But more so I miss my wife.I know it sounds like I miss the house more than her, but It's home life I miss, and my wife was all part of that world.I guess it just came out wrong and sounded like a real male shovanist. I diddn't mean to sound materialistic, but every time I look at the house(which was our 1st home)it reminds me of the life we started to build together, which I thought was built to last forever.Now that I am no longer there I feel like I have been shut out of my own world.

If I do meet somone else, how do I overcome the feeling of us not being as compatable as me and my wife? After all, in most ways we liked all the same things,eg. food,films,relegion,days out,quiet nights in etc. and we had the same views about life.I'm frightened I will never find that closeness again or find the next woman as attractive in my eyes.

I know many American's are very religious and I have read many posts referring to god and prayers etc for a source of comfort.But me and Emma were both non relegious.We didn't have a church wedding, which suited both of us.You see, we are both far to practical about life and believe you only get one chance.No point in holding out for some divine intervention while life slips you by.But all the same it does not make you a bad person.I can show love and be a good Samritan as well as anyone.But sometimes that little thought does pop into my mind and says.."If only I had taken my vows in the presence of God, maybe our marriage would be blessed and would not have broken apart." After all, it was only after we got married that things started to go complacent.

any thoughts,

Marty

Marty,
It just takes time. It is now over 3 yrs since my x left and I still have difficulties at times. I am in a new relationship, but it is a long distance one, so we only get together about every other weekend.

I don't usually participate in family events at church because I still feel like the 5th wheel. My son's baseball team had a picnic at a tournament a couple weeks ago and I am the only single team parent so I ended up cooking most of the time. After that I went on a hike by myself. Everyone else was there with their spouse. Sucked for me. It does get better though.

Try different things, sports, working out, etc, things that people normally do alone.

Hang in!

Marty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a divorce pending with no chance of reconsiliation.I have trouble accepting that this is my fate and that I have to start making new plans. I am OK with the divorce. I have finally got good legal advice and things seems to be going my way.As least financially.Please don't write back offering plan A, B or councilling as this will not work.You will understand if you read my full story in an earlier post titled "Where do I go now after my wife has left me.."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I looked up your old post. You're all of two months "post discovery" of the affair. That's nowhere near long enough to do a decent Plan A (let alone know that there's "no chance of reconciliation")

Based on some of the financial aspects of your situation, I wouldn't discourage you from going through with the divorce to protect yourself financially. But in terms of recovering, it would be my suggestion that it's going to take at least a couple years before you are emotionally "recovered" in some form, especially one that would allow you to date in a responsible fashion. Seeing that this time pretty much coincides with the typical time-frame that affairs blow up, my advice to you would be that if you still love your wife, that you hang out as if you were still married. No dating. No "moving on" (you will naturally---but don't force it). In essence, I'd have you isolate yourself as much as you can from your wife's behaviors (that would be plan B), but be cheery and cordial to her when you're in contact. You might even offer her a letter letting her know that you would be even though the divorce is in process (and probably should go forward), that you would be interested in reconciling (that's like a Plan B letter).

It's going to take you time to recover. It might happen more quickly if you were to move away, but you're probably not willing to consider that. I'd take care of yourself (without involving other women)---and see if your wife has really left, for good...

There's a pretty decent chance that she hasn't.

Hang in there....what we are going through really sucks....

Hopefully, it gets better. In the meantime, we are here to listen...Pat

Martin,

I don't want to sound tacky, but if you want your W back there is only one thing to do: Become very successful and wealthy. I know this sounds sarcastic, but my point is your description of her is of someone who is a predator. Her father sounds very similar, and frankly while the feelings of love are still strong, she may have done you a large favor.

You sound like a very down to earth sincere young man. You can do better Martin.

Now K brings up some very valid points. It has only been a few months and these affair tend to short out within a few years if not sooner. It may even come to pass that you will see her make some inquiries before, if your solicitor is successful in her defense of your finances.

But, Martin don't even think about going back with her, until she can adequately explain her behavior, her plan to protect you from future behaviors like this, and then a long period where she demonstrates the changes she is making.

Does that make sense? I hope so.

JL

One minute she was all kissy and touchy with me. The next she seems to want to hurt me so badly. Not just am I asking myself "What have I done SO bad to deserve such cruel treatment?" but how can someone just switch off overnight.Even after she made the decidion to split and after she had already slept with this guy, she was still hugging and kissing me like there was nothing wrong.I tried to tell her that it didn't have to be this way but she didn't want to know, so I told her to stop teasing me and giving me false hope.She would even walk around the house naked just to make me jealous, so I told her to cover herself up if she was now sleeping with someone else and I moved into the spare room to sleep as sleeping next to her made me even worse knowing that she was now having sex with someone else.I wanted to hold her and make love with her but I knew her body was now someone elses.Can you imaging how that felt.I was so relieved when she left me in some ways.

My reply to the last post is, If she is so cruel to hurt me so much, then she can't have any remorse or deep feelings for me. After all this is not just some affair that she is willing to talk over.But she has made her desision to kick me out of my home, move this other guy in and is now living a new life with him in my old home and wants no contact with me whatsoever.Even if she asked me back tomorrow, I would be so untrusting of her and be wondering if she was only doing it for her own reasons.I don't want to go through the hurt again.YES I would be very tempted to have her back and lord I do want her so bad, but if she can hurt me once then she can do it again.I am starting to heal now, all but very slowly and do not wish to go through is all again in 12 months time.I do still love her even though she has hurt me so bad.But how long until the next time. If I had a guarantee that she really loved me and wanted me back for the right reasons then maybe I would go back.But the trust has gone and every day I would be thinking about the next time she met someone better.If she can give her body to someone so easily then I'm pretty sure she could do it again the next time she felt unhappy.

At the moment all I want is revenge on her.I know this is unhealthy.But I would love to see her have her day with this new guy.I looked after her so well and I would love to see her treated like dirt and fail in life just to make her realise what she has thrown away.After all this man has 2 kids by his previous wife is no romantic and is even known as a wife beater.Emma & I have no kids and she does'nt like children either, so I'm sure she doesn't want to set up life with someone who already has a family. He has no charm and is quite a rough sort.Why do so many people who have affairs always go with someone worse off.Maybe It's any form of escape, I don't know. But I know if I was unhappy, I would try to reclaim the past love and sort things out first.Secondly, I would certainly not go with someone that treated me worse than my current partner.What is there to gain from that other more unhappy times.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MartyB:
<strong>One minute she was all kissy and touchy with me. The next she seems to want to hurt me so badly. Not just am I asking myself "What have I done SO bad to deserve such cruel treatment?" but how can someone just switch off overnight. I was so relieved when she left me in some ways.

My reply to the last post is, If she is so cruel to hurt me so much, then she can't have any remorse or deep feelings for me. But she has made her desision to kick me out of my home, move this other guy in and is now living a new life with him in my old home and wants no contact with me whatsoever.
At the moment all I want is revenge on her.I know this is unhealthy.But I would love to see her have her day with this new guy.I looked after her so well and I would love to see her treated like dirt and fail in life just to make her realise what she has thrown away.After all this man has 2 kids by his previous wife is no romantic and is even known as a wife beater..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi MartyB! I sure feel for you - I went thru a similar situation to yours. Your wife is IN THE FOG - because affairs are built on selfishness, theft of "love units deposits" from YOU and given to the OM, and rationalization on the WS that 'it's OK what I'm doing' when in fact it is a breaking of their Sacred Marriage Vows. I've been on both sides of the fence - WS and BS. You said you were kicked out of your own house. Who signed the loan papers/ownership papers? You? Your wife? At any rate, you didn't have to leave - why enable your wife in her affair - since SHE chose to do this to you - let HER leave! Isn't there usually a 50/50 split of things? I suppose your wife is going to give you half of the value of your (shared) house? That means at least ONE of those kitties belongs to YOU. Please get a good Family Practise Lawyer and tell him/her what your situation is. Ever noticed on the 'history' of many of the Members here, how so many of them say something like - a few years after their mate has left them for somebody else in an affair that their 'new lover' is OUT? Sounds like your wife already has a good start - how long before HE gets tired of the ordinary day-to-day life with her and decides to begin 'wife-beating' again?? Not long, I'm willing to bet. Hang in there, Bro - time is on YOUR side... Affairs are based on FANTASY NO RESPONSIBILITY NO COMMITMENTS because the participants are 'IN THE FOG' of being TEMPORARILY relieved of those - but soon as they move in together - guess what? They ALL return!!! So... Time IS on your side - your wife will soon 'see the light' and come out of the fog - and then - too late -realise that she threw away with both hands something precious and wonderful. Read Dr. Harley's Articles on Affairs - he says most of them BURN OUT on their own, so it's just a matter of time.
Take heart - so many of us on these Message Boards have gone thru what you are... You will come out better on the other side than you are now - but of course I know you are hurting and it sure doesn't seem like that - but TRUST ME - you WILL come out better!!!! Keep looking up. I never realized just how LOUSEY things were for me - until I got my divorce - and since then, things have gotten better and better. Of course, I had the pain - I spent the first 3 weeks crying myself to sleep every night and the first week was a horror I never want to experience again. I was on Anti-Depressants and the whole bit... BUT - you have to go thru some hell to reach Heaven. You will get there - just keep on keeping on... and call that lawyer.
Best Wishes to you, Harold

It's been a while since my last post. Been trying to keep myself busy.Taking my mind off things. Except it hasn't really worked. My wife is still with the guy. Fortunatly I have not seen them, but friends have. And they keep telling me. One even spoke to her last week.Alright is was unavoidable but still I was upset with him for not telling her to F**K off. I know if someone had upset a good friend of mine to such a state of depression I would'nt want to speak to her.It hasn't seemed to burn out yet. Nor does it seem to look like it will in the near future. But then again it took us 5 years from start to end so there's pleanty of time yet.I've found out from a friend that she is struggling for money and has to stay in all the time now as he is on low income and she has been sacked from her last job because her boss cought her using my private email account to send me spam/junk emails from her works computer.I believe she is now working for a vets surgery(something she used to do 8 years ago) Talk about going backwards in life.

Still, does anyone think that there really is a chance of reconciliation, even if she does realise her mistakes.And I believe she already regrets most of them.If she is so subborn and is the type of person not to admit or appologise when they are wrong. Do you really think she will say sorry and come back? I think not! She is more likely to keep her head up and get on with life.

I have joined a dating agency recently. Big mistake. They have sent me a contact but I'm affraid I can't find anyone attractive unless they look like my wife. She may be really nice buy I'm affraid I asked for someone very slim, dark hair and pretty with similar hobbies.Also must have good conversation/fairly intellegint and have a good job. SO, they sent me a big blonde with 3 chins and greasy hair from a rough area who's a social worker. In ENgland,Social workers are more likely to be more insane than the people they visit. Hello! Is anyone listening to me?? So I guess I should not have bothered yet as I am clearly not over her yet.

I wish she would see the light but even if she has, I doubt she would admit to it.One day she will find someone else other that me or him and move on completly. I know she will. Sexually she was fit as anything.I fancied her like hell and still do. She is lovely to look at and shimes out at parties. Why can't I find another like her? You know, absolutly everyone said we were the perfect couple and we would be that last to split up.

I know I have been writing for a while on the forums.So I thought I'd let everyone have a look at who we are. Here is a link for anyone interested in a photo and you can see why I am so sad to loose such a lovely woman.
Marty & Emma Photo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,
Only Shades of blue.
You think my heart's a toy,
Just like a little boy,
You pick it up, play with it and break it when you're through. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">