This STBX - WH of mine comes into my house everyday. Can't stop him as yet, until the divorce is final. With the process of getting the paperwork out of him that the court orders, is going to take forever. How do I tell him, not to come in, not to eat the food that I buy, my mom and I went to the grocery store tonight, she bought some groceries for me. He criticizes me everyday with words of how I am wasting money on the lawyers. But he doesn't tell the kids, (16-23) that his procrastination is causing a lot of the extra charges. It took him almost 2 months to admit to a extramarital affair. All he would state at first is he met a friend. Then I showed all the evidence, and lawyer was going to supeona the OW and finally he admitted to the sex with the OW. Now he is going to have to get sexual transmitted testing done.

How do you tell an irrational man, without a PPO to leave us alone here, leave the food alone, leave the house immediately, give up the convenience of this house, give up the source of pleasure from the kids, give up control, leave us all alone, if you want to interact, have the kids come over to where you are living, and interact there. He threatens me almost everyday with alienation of the kids, on how I am using the money on the lawyers. If he would get his act together and cooperate with the lawyers, a lot of this crap could of gone much smoother if he would cooperate and do as the courts tell him to. But he is of the nature, and still telling me, that he will do what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. So consequences have to be dealt with this mindset.

How can you tell nicely, someone of this controlling manner, that your presence is not welcome. I have told him nicely, but it is getting darn right ugly, with all the critical remarks, and name calling he is doing. This is not a rational man, this is a ballistic man who has lost his mind, I feel this is the case for sure. He doesn't show any remorse or guilt, doesn't want to take care of the family, but eats the food here. Now he will probably eat the food that my mother bought, cause I don't have enough for food and taking care of everything here. With $181 a week for child support of the one child, I can't make it due. If he was a kind man, he would be paying the amount instilled by the court for alimony. But he is waiting for the court order. Just like the sexual testing. He was calling to find the OW, stateing that it was for the aids testing and such. He doesn't expect anyone to believe that does he?

I wish I could put a zapper on him whenever he crossed the line onto my property. That would scorch his butt and then he would get the picture. Controlling people are who they are, until they decide that their actions are so out of control, and finally decide to change and accept that laws are laws. This man, STBX has already done things with contempt of court. Consequences are to be paid, I didn't want to do anything at first, but one can take so much of the controlling issues with a person like this, and I have had enough. My lawyers said I should of done something a long time ago.

Wish he would get out of this state, and go to Arizona and go with the OW. She is everything he wanted, go find her and find out if she is divorced or what, and find out if she is ready for a life of deceit, lies, wasting money, etc. This is what he wants, he can have her. I am not that type, thank the Lord.

Dear Cry2much,
I have had almost the same thing happening here for a couple of months with H moving in and out and finally 5-22 he left, but came back to mow! It drove me crazy so I changed the locks on the doors, and told him if he did not call first I would get a restaining order.
well he does not like the law so he abided my wish. All of it made him mad and I did not do it to hurt him just to protect myself and belongings. I have had another bad experience years ago so I was aware of might be's. I now since have sent him a no contact letter as I just could not hurt that much seeing him anymore. I found the evidence of his A this past Sun. Thought it would kill me as I really wanted to believe he just needed space. H has not even as much as called since. Makes me sad , but I just can not take my heart pains anymore until he totally decides what he is going to do. I do want my marriage to work, but of course ya need someone to do it with! Look into these options. I do know many states do not have them, but you can change the locks! Switch them around blows their mind also! Hang tough, if he continues call the police and charge him with harrassment! That should work too! Good luck and by no means am I a man hater just know where you stand! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> God Bless!

<small>[ July 24, 2002, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: LoveNcare ]</small>

Can't change the locks, as yet, until the divorce is final. Will change the phone # immediately, will change many things here as soon as the divorce is final. There is so much that he is doing wrong and being a controlling person is causing him to lose power over me. This is part of the controller, losing power, and not liking the actions of the person he is trying to control. Just like the kids. They are getting to the point of telling their dad, there is nothing he can do. His actions over the last 20 plus years have shown that he is a procrastinator, and the example has not been set for abiding by the law.

He tries to blow the minds of our children by telling them that he worked hard as a teenager. Talking to his mother, I learned many years ago that he never kept a job, his brother did for years keep a job at the drug store. But WH only stayed at a job a maximum of 2 weeks. Then got another job. Or sat around the house. Then when the money ran out got another job. This is something that he seems to forget, and she told me WH would be at her footsteps when allowances were being passed out. He wouldn't cut the grass, his brother did. He was lazy about cleaning the house, his brother was the neat person, wanting the yard to look nice, house to be kept clean, clothes to be looking clean, WH didn't have that interest. They didn't have a dad living or interacting with them. So his mother did the best she could.

I did fax over a letter to my lawyer last night. Explaining WH actions as he is in my house. He is suppose to do business, and leave. Not eat my food, not sit around and be comfy, that is what his living conditions are for. To relax and enjoy himself at his quarters, not here. He is not welcome here, until he can become a civilized person, and have respect for other peoples property and living condiitions.

Divorce is ugly, and my lawyer said it is only going to get tougher. He is right, and I now see what a controller can do to manipulate the kids, and everyone else around them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can't change the locks, as yet, until the divorce is final. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? That's one of the first things my lawyer suggested even before filing. I balked, but finally did and feel more at peace. Write the lawyer a letter stating the he has free rein and you're afraid.
But your children will still have keys and may allow him access anyway. I'd do it if I were you!

cry2
As for changing the locks, it is your house and you can do it and since you are not divorced yet, and he is part owner, he can legally break it down. That is what I have been told by my lawyer.

I had the same problem, my then w would come over and just hang out with the kids. So I changed the garage door codes and she finally understood I didn't want her in my home. I acknowledged it was still partly her house, but it was MY HOME and she was not welcome. She has been rarely back in, unless she is with the kids and I'm not there.

Hang in!

Technically I guess he COULD break the door down but would he? I would change the locks. That's usually enough to get the message across. If he asks why, just say it was for safety's sake. You don't have to mention it was for his safety---because you were going to strangle him if he didn't stop waltzing in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

From someone who has changed the locks - my ExH DID break in!

There should be a way to go to court before the divorce is final to give you use of the house.

But if not then there are ways to tactfully restrict his behavior.

These controls freaks are nuts but hopefully the court will set them straight.

K

The locksmith told me to put a sign on every door stating that the locks were changed and if anyone (ie another locksmith) came to redo them, to call the police immediately. I did.

The cops said that H had a right to the property and if they broke in there was nothing they could do, but it did deter him.

And I've learned to put the house on "house watch" while I'm away. I call the police and tell them when I'm leaving and returning. They ask what lights are on, any timers, cars in garage/driveway etc. It makes me feel better. And now I know all the police anyway.

Cry -
I agree with everyone here that you should change your locks. I would explain to your husband that you feel like you have no privacy and you would like the privacy that he has. If he baulks at that ask him for a key to his house so that you can go and hang out there for a while. My guess would be that he wouldn't want to do that so tell him that you are requesting something that he already has.
Funny how they are the ones that have been hiding things for so long and when things come out in the open and they realize that there isn't any more mystery to what they are doing and they don't have control over you and what you do or how you live they think that you are trying to hide something. We all know that we deserve privacy and I would hope that he would see this.
Good Luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This brings back memories... My mom did this to my dad (I can't remember if the D was final or not though...) and he showed up at my work demanding I give him a key to make a copy of. I knew he was on the way and when I called my mom to ask what to do she tells me don't give it to him. My dad is very intimidating, I hated being put in that position...

As far as changing the locks, we have a coded lock. The kids will give the code to dad. At least 1 will, and maybe another. I like the idea of police watching, but our house sits back from the road about 250 feet.

I sent a letter to my lawyer, stating that I want STBX-WH not to enter the house. Not to enter the house while I am gone, I don't trust him, while I was on a horse trip with daughter out of state, he took so much stuff out of the house, not to enter the house period. I am tired of him walking in like he is king. Like he is allowed to do whatever makes him happy. I went to counseling today, and the statements my WH made are common with controllers. He is losing control over me, and this is making him angry. He no longer can tell me what to do, how to do it, and this is angering him. He yells at the kids now, at least 3 of them, and the one says, he can handle it.

I do have a key to his house. No trick there, and actually it is not his house. It is his mothers house, that he told her he would live in it and fix it up for her to live in it. We have gutted the house, and while he was having his sexual affair, the house got put on hold. Well, to tell you the truth, his mother is not pleased with the progress, and my lawyer told me to tell her to charge him rent. That will get his butt moving. He is a procrastinator, and a person that doesn't like to be told what to do. He has told her so many lies about working on the house, she went over once, and she saw for herself what is not getting done. I told her to sell the place, and find something else. The house she is living in is sold and going to be torn down by the developers.

You guys might remember my WH - SNL SadNLonely, he is the one that is pressuring, calling me every day F****** Bi*ch. Last night I didn't call him a name, just spoke the facts, and that was it. He is losing control, and he is fighting a battle with my lawyer, and this man is going to lose. He says that I get pleasure in him losing, I don't, but I can't sink with him. He doesn't care about me at all, and therefore, I am fighting for my life.

Divorce is ugly as it is, but SNL has made this divorce just pure h*ll. He is manipulating and demonizing me in front of the kids. Talked to lawyer today, and this is going to stop. I have had enough of him, and I have had enough of his calling me names, and telling the kids I am using all the money on the lawyers.

When he is not around, the house is pleasant, we eat a nice dinner, we talk, we watch TV together, and of course there are the disagreements. But the house is so much nicer to be in. I expressed to counseling, that I don't have a safe place to go. I am always afraid that he will be there, or will come to the house and I am actually getting so afraid of him. He is a big fat man, was 280#, lost some, but I am a petite woman, about 118#'s. There is no way I could beat him if he hit me. He angers and goes ballistic so easy. I don't know what he gets out of the name calling. I sure hope God makes SNL see what he is doing, and how he is digging his hole.

Anyways, when the divorce is over, I will give him so many days to get his stuff out of this house. I am packing his stuff in boxes to make it easier for him. Putting his name on the boxes. This is what he wants, he will get it.