Get this...my wife is moving out for two weeks to stay at her friends house to find aout what she wants in the marriage. She is PO'd at me because I cut off her funds (see In-home separation? for the details) and making her drive the commuter beater Honda. She has been going out every night this week. TOnight she says she is going to see her friend who is house sitting and have a girls night.

TOday she encouraged me to see other people (e.g., date). I told her this is wrong since I still want to work things out. I asked her if that is what she is doing, she said no, she could not even stand the thought of another relationship.

I think that she has another in the wings and won't admit it (again--she has had two A's in our marriage of 13 years).

She thinks I am crazy and suspicous.

I am at the point I just want a divorce and be done with this crap. She said "See, you're always so f___ing negative. That's what I can'st stand!"

Am I going nuts? I told her it is time to fish or cut bait but she still says "I need more time".

Help!

BH- you probably feel like you're going nutz, yes. Your wife encouraging you to date is enough to make you feel that way. I haven't read your other post yet, but I'd like to advise you to take a deep breath and not rush into anything. Just try to remain calm for a second, okay? The dumbest things I've done were spur of the moment- don't be a doofus like me!!!

Have you read the info on the site about Plan A? If not, that might be a good place to start. It's not necessarily easy or quick, but it's working for an awful lot of folks here. I'll go find your other post, and I'll be around for a bit, I'll check back. Breathe!!!!

OH CRIPES!!!! Didn't realize there was a drug issue. Listen, BH, as a few told you on your original thread, the drugs will destroy anything you try to do to make this work. Drug addiction is a deal-breaker. You also have a responsibility to protect your kids. Let her go. Tell her you wish she would stay with you and enter treatment. Make that clear. Then let her decide. If she chooses to leave, cut her off. Time for her to sink a little, without you there to hold her up or bail her out. Who knows, maybe you'll be lucky and she'll hit bottom real quick. But nothing you do is going to help as long as she's using. JMVHO, mind you, but I think a little tough love is in order. Keep us posted, ok?

According to you she has had 2 affairs in your marriage. She is going out every nite. She tells you to date. Yet when you talk about divorce she tells you that you are nuts and negative. Meanwhile you have the suspicion that there is OM#3 waiting in the wing which is probably why there is no serious inclination by your wife to want to rebuild the marriage. Yet I find it interesting in spite of all this nonsense that you want to continue with the marriage. I know that you love her but it still does not answer why you would want to pretend that you could have a viable marriage. From your post one can only conclude that it is time to bury this marriage and move on. It would be more merciful in the long run. Best wishes

Tommaz...I think you are right...she just lied about something else to me tonight. It's time to cut bait...I am just trying to do this in a Godly manner--with three kids (8, 10, and 12) to think about, without the bitter words, etc...but it is really hard to do!!

You are not crazy,

My now xw kept saying stuff like, you'd be better off with another woman, she would say I'm not the woman you need,she said her life would be better after DV we could both have the spouses we wanted, so she kept giving me excuses of moving on getting someone else when that wasn't my interest that was all hers. She was trying get me to do what she was trying do to ease her guilt, but don't fall for the trap.

I remember prior to d-day I remember my xw looking me dead in the eyes just as confident and stern and said " How dare you accuse me of such a thing, whats your problem?!!" when she said that I felt so bad and so low, I accused my wife of the most horrible thing a person could do, I cried thinking whats wrong we me? am I just feeling subtle rejection and suspicion for no reason, I beat myself up bad. I went and repented unto God and got down on my knees and apologized to her. Well only weeks later she was busted with multiple EA's. At that time it was just strange internet activity, getting home late, cell phone use at odd times, such as she was talking on the cell phone at 12:00 midnight on a weekday having to go to work the nextday many times and this was happening real often. I finally asked who are you talking to, this late? Her answer, its work business, and Uh I'm talking to Mary, her boss] who went overseas to Italy. She said she talks to Mary late because its cheaper at night and it was day time there in Italy. I said ok and went to bed.

Well activity increased and more bust were made.
I remember one thing I'll never forget. I said you know you have a real problem, you're almost just like a drug addicted but you love affairs thats your addiction and you don't care what house or marriage you bring down.

Her response: Drug addicts don't come clean over night do they? I said some do. She said If I have a problem you can't protect me, If I'm headed down the wrong road then I'll find that out, she said sometimes you can't stop people from what they want to do you just have to step back and let them hit bottom and fix whats wrong. She said let me handle this, she said there's no such thing as a wrong road, don't you know how to explore life??

I said ok, I'm stepping back, if the rough road is what you want than thats what you'll get, she said thank you....

Well her life ain't been the same since the day she moved out and separated, Its all been a total hardship and deception and illusion on her part. She's been sick, broke and miserable the whole time since Mar 2001.

Now this letter below is from Feb this year,DV was already in progess set for May 2002 if you read it she's excusing me from the marriage telling me how I feel which is totally wrong and opposite how I feel.

Her:

It's just proof that we should move on. We
have no more interest in each other. You have none in me and I have none in you. It's proof that the marriage is over. I knew you would
never be happy with me. That doesn't surprise me at all. In fact, I kind of expected that. But I'm happy with how I look. I should send you a before and after picture. When you put the 2 side by
side the change is dramatic. I'm smaller, I cut my hair short. I love it!

I CAN imagine that you've been hit on my many women. You're an attractive man. Nothing wrong with that. I never said I thought you were ugly. I just have a different preference. Women SHOULD BE hitting on you. I can only imagine that there are lots of women out there who would love to snatch you up. And I'm not trying to be funny. I'm serious. We just aren't the right people for each other. That doesn't mean other people won't find us attractive.

It's not that I feel other people are better than you. It's a compatibility issue. It's not that someone has more of something or is better at something than you. It's how compatible we are, whether we share the same dreams, the same ideas, the same goals. Whether we enjoy doing the same things, etc... And we just weren't there anymore. I think we both know that. And besides compatibility, there are spiritual issues, and you have to be attracted to that person. Many things you want to look at.

What is good is that you've already seen that when you're ready to be with someone again, you will have many choices. And there are lots of
other beautiful godly women out there with talent and brains I think you're starting to see that. Whenever and whomever you chose, I as always wish you the very best.

Now you have to remember she has a boyfriend at this time and now she would say this after 21 years, it don't take that long to find all this out. Prior to this we couldn't stand to be apart....Fog Talk!!

So You're not Crazy!!

Hi Betrayed.

Unfortunately this all sounds too familiar. If you want to make it work prepare for a long and nasty plan A. My bet is that she is for sure seeing at east one other person. And when you hear the "you should date other people" line that means one of the others she's dating is becoming a bit more serious. She is likely keeping you there as a safety net -SICK!!.. Anyway, the only thing I can tell you is that your gut is most likely right and you know what it is telling you (sadly I actually audio recorded my ex) and everytime I did I was EXACTLY RIGHT in what I suspected. My hard .02. Best of luck, Jack.

Everyone ready,

Get some balls and dump this b(*&th. Sorry, I know that is not very godly. I am the haymaker and hellbringer to all of the selfish, narcissitic, lying, cheating, woman out there. I am a sure-fired way to piss them off.

1. Plan a divorce on your terms. Stay in the house. Get evidence and kick her out. Fortunately, you have the element of surprise. You can choose to retain custody, but do not let her get the upper hand.

2. Cheating wifes will do almost anything to cover-up, lie, and manipulate the situation. Watch out of the proverbial "My husband was abusive and mean to me" bull****.

3. Get tough, by the way that will make her want you back. I still say dump her, she strays she gets to go away.

4. My prayers are with you.

Good Luck,
GotSmart

A response to all the betrayed Husbands out there on this thread: YES, go get 'em. Enjoy your life NOW without the conniving *****.

I am not joking -- I say the same to ALL BS who have their heart breaking trying to keep things together, while the WS is feeling so guilty they have to pummel someone who gets in their way!

So GO for the divorce, the separation. Get thee out of there with that idiot you once loved and can't accept that the idiot is truly THE idiot.

They (WS) are so good at deception that we as trusters never can even imagine any type of behavior as theirs', so we are vulnerable.

It is my experience that once we are ON to the deceit, "we will never get fooled again", The Who, circa 60's.

Screw them. They screw us over all the time even when we want to patch things up. THEY ARE USERS, LOSERS AND we are the chumps if we believe them THIS TIME. yeah, right. bye-bye. WAKE UP!

All:

Thanks for the advice! I am trying to do this taking the high road. So I am trying to follow the advice in Plan B. I printed out the Emotional Needs Questionaire for her and myself. I filled out the info and wrote on the front that marriage takes a 100% committment on both parties involved. If she is not inclined, then she needs to move on. She said I am like "Eyeore", always doom and gloom.

I just need to make sure that when all is said and done, I can look at my kids and truthfully say I did all I could.

Hi Betrayed H,

Sorry about everything you are going through. If there really are drugs involved there is nothing you can do.

My ex cheated on me from day one. I always tried to work through it. Sometimes I was not successful but I tried. When he started to use drugs that was the final death nail in the casket. I could not live with that.

I think you need to worry about your children. Can you document her drug use? You need that for custody. She has to want to stop. It sounds like she does not. If you remain in this situation she will destroy everything you have worked for. Plus do you really want your children around this behavior and types of people?

BH,

I know this is tough because you still love your W. It doesnt make sense to others why you would put up with it and it is hard to explain, you just love her so much. Am I close? thought so.

Ok, now the gut check. How long are you going to be the victim here and let her walk all over you and your children. Until she comes to her senses you really can not put up with what she is putting you through. Stand back and take a realistic look at her. She is not currently the woman you love. Your still in love with the woman she used to be. That is not who she is any more. And, as long as you chase after her and let her abuse you and the kids she has no incentive to change. Do yourself and her the favor of letting her go and letting her fail, it may be the only thing that saves her. The bible says that if you are unevenly yoked let her go. Also, God hates divorce - but it is permitted in the case of infidelity - I will come back to this topic. Read about the prodigal son. This is a similar situation. The father had to let the son go and blow his inherritance and fail before he could change his heart and be teachable. Your wife is lost and unfortunately she has to find her own way back. Read Love must be tough by Dobson - I mean it, it will give you insight.

Infidelity - I told you on your opening post that I believed that your W is currently in an affair. I am even more convinced the more you tell us. Other things my WW said (do these sound familiar) I dont love you anymore, I dont think I ever did, Dont you want to find someone else that is hopelessly in love with you. The kids will be fine, This will be good for the kids. Im not having an affair, I dont ever want to have another relationship as long as I live. Im just going to go shopping (or alternatively have dinner with, go have coffie with) sister or friend - and then gone several hours. Hes just a friend, your too suspicious, you dont trust me, your no fun, hes more fun than you, etc.

They are all designed to throw you off, make you feel self consious about the things you are thinking and to make you feel guilty and put the blame on you. It is easy to get sucked in, dont do it.

One of your problems right now is that you are pretty focused on your pain and trying to eleviate it. YOu need a new focus. Here it is. You know what your W is doing and that it is not right. And, it isnt you that is being or going to be hurt the most. Your kids are. YOur job as a father is to protect your children it is also your Christian responsibility. What would you do if someone tried to get close to your children and teach them that doing drugs was ok, cheating on your spouse was ok, being abusive was ok, abandoning your family was ok, etc. Is this the legacy you want for your children? It is no different than what your W is doing right now, except that what she is doing is worse!

Please understand, you dont matter. You need to everything you can to protect your children. Sure, where you can offer to help her or get her treatment, etc. but she needs to know that you will not tolerate her behavior because your children do not need that kind of example. If she wants to live that way it is her choice, but your children do not need to be subjected to it.

What to do - and I say these thing from experience and not lightly so please take action for your childrens sake.

Find the best lawyer you can and have them give you advice. I contacted a local Fathers for Equal Rights group and got the name of a good lawyer known for helping dads fight for full custody.

You might want to hire a detective and have your wife followed. Girls night out? Im not so sure. And if drugs are involved this will also help your custody chances.

I would try to get her out of the house for a real separation and if things dont improve you may have to go for D, but discuss with your Lawyer.

Read Love must be tough

Read your bible and talk to your pastor

Protect your children. Right now they are in harms way. How long are you going to leave them exposed?

Remember, she is no longer who you think she is and love. She may be again someday but right now, you can help her the most by cutting her loose.

Best of luck

JC

"girls night out", "staying at a friends house", "I'm not interested in a relationship with you or anyone else", "I'm not 'in love' with you anymore", -- all BS lines from WS.. I 'knew' they were BS, but stood in there anyways (my gut always knew though). Sad but something that was last said really struc me and is helping me and that is "your ex is not the same person as you met, they have changed"-obviously right.otherwise they'd be there loving us instead of leaving us. So simple again, yet we choose to look away... So sad kind of.. A mean Steview Wonder could probably plainly see what's going on. Anyway, best wishes to all be strong and it is sickeningly refreshing that all of the same lines have been used on all of us.

It's nice to see I am not losing my f_____ mind in all of this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

They think they are being so original in their excuses...but it is always the same crap but in a different day...