I have been lurking on the Marriage Builders bulletin boards for quite a while now. I have taken away comfort in that I was not alone in my problems. I have also gleaned very good advice. I recently started making contributions back to this community under a different name. I felt that it was important to give back to a community that supported me (even though I was invisible).

Unfortunately, my life is so busy that I can only post sporadically. I feel that I am unwelcome on these boards now. (I wouldn’t be the only FWS run off these boards.) I will probably post a list of web sites and books that I found helpful in my time of trouble. I may be back to contribute if I have time.

Thank you and take care.

TS - I'm glad you posted and that you will offer your input from time to time ,however, the only people I've seen run off this board were:

1.WS's that cared less what they were doing to hurt their spouse and others here.
2.They felt proud of their Infidelity, boasting about it.
3. Refused to understand how wrong they were.
4. Promoted more Adultery.

You did none of that.

Personally I don't think your a bad guy, I think you probably have some info that could help lots of people here therefore you are welcomed here.

The ONLY thing that gave you the appearence of the bad guy is that you being a marriage builders partner, one of us, is that you didn't reveal if you were a WS or BS to someone, not that you have to but it seems you would want to....

It was just odd for you to listen to someone talk about their pain of being betrayed and you gave no input of your experience whether be good or bad? dealing with marriage problems, to watch someone feel as your xw once felt.

Whenever anyone ask me why am I no longer married or why did I divorce, I always say well she decided to go have multiple affairs and I begged to reconcile, but she insisted divorce and she did, however I say I did have my problems in the marriage that made her unhappy also, they ask what did you learn from your mistakes and there you go, that easy.

So one of your big issues as you said is you haven't [forgiven] yourself of what you did. By not forgiving yourself this only causes you to not be able to be open and honest upfront, I think thats why you carry the name "tormented soul" not saying you're a bad guy its saying you still have some unresolved issues like a lot of us here.

I have lots of WS friends but they seem to be so open with their mistake they are such strong people that you can even learn from, sometimes you can get more information and healing from WS's than BS's, I think you just still seem a little shut in at this point because you haven't forgiven yourself, as I said my WS friends don't hide nothing from nobody they are shame free and open, I think when you get to that point you'll find freedom from self - accusation and torment.

Take care, pass us some good info!!!

Tormented Soul,

lets work on your delivery so that you don't offend people with your projection. . . lest it become a disrespectful judgement. . . and practicing better communication will help you to discuss feelings so that other people can relate to your feeling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel that I am unwelcome on these boards now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">shoud be communicated as:

I feel unwelcome on these boards now.

is that statement how you feel?

please, practice being direct and taking responsibility for your feelings. . . doing so will help you in the future. . .

wiftty

Oh well, you guys have seen me at my worst now. This is not the best way to introduce myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Thanks for the welcome.

WhenIfindthetime: what a great name! I feel like your name. (Time compressed that is.) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> lets work on your delivery so that you don't offend people with your projection </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Youch; I guess you are right here. I didn't realize until now that I was projecting my feelings on others with that statement. I will watch for it in the future.

EverlastingCompassion: Could you help me understand about the openness of your WS friends? There is something here that just does not strike my brain right. Looking back, having the A was the most shameful thing that I have ever done. If you ask my close friends, they could tell you how much out of character it was for me. I hurt the person that I cared most about. I worked for 2 years to recover the marriage, and there was nothing that I could do to make it right. There were problems on both sides, and I addressed my problems and tried to meet her emotional needs as best that I could. I knew that when I recovered my marriage, I would also recover my peace of mind.

How can I be open about the affair? What would one your WS friends say if asked why they got divorced?

I still have a lot to be thankful for, despite the failure of my marriage. There is a much deeper emotional side to me than there was before. I have a lot of tools to make a marriage better, and there is no way that I will ever betray anyone again.

My kids came out OK. They are still honor students and well adjusted. My XW seems to be happier.

The end of my marriage was more of a controlled crash than most endings seen here. We negotiated the divorce settlement directly between ourselves. We are still in frequent contact with each other. We trust each other, and know that we care about each other. It has been a hard transition, to go from lovers to friends. But, I think it is well worth the effort. My XW and kids have pretty much adjusted, and I am the one that is still stuck in the past somewhat. (My chronic insomnia is starting to fade as well.)

Right now, I am trying to make new friends. All of my current friends are married couples. And I don't fit in as well with that crowd anymore.

Thanks for taking the time.

Hi LL, What I mean by they are open is when they saw me go through the betrayal they ran to my rescue, they talked with me about how my WW was thinking how to counter act her, lots of do's and dont's.

They then opened up about what led them to do what they did against there wifes, ashamed yes.

For One friend since it has been 4 years ago he was further long and could walk people through recovery, he could tell what phase a WS was at and what the BS spouse was feeling.

My cousin at that time who ran to my rescue also it had only been 2 years and he was in a lot of pain he was still almost crying about it everyday. So it was fresh with him. He told me how it started, how it grew and said how he was the OM sneaking around MOW, but said he was nothing but a punk and told me don't leave my house but put up a fight to save my marriage because he said no relationship will last according to what he was doing, he said it was built on a lie and lust, he said it was a joke to think it would survive. He said don't be intimidated that she's fooling around with OM, he said it ain't all that you think. He said all it did was build his ego at the moment until he relized he was in a mess and lost, 2 houses, $60,xxx a year job, cars, etc....wife cleaned him out, he says what a fool he was.....He said his problem was he knew he had problems in his marriage but didn't do anything about it and felt he had needs that needed to be met, so there he went looking. He said the problem after D-day was he gave up to soon, he said he wished he would have tried a little harder but he gave up on his BS. Last time I talked to him was Chistmas he was doing better but said he knew exactly where I was.

They don't feel they have to hide anything because they feel they have been exposed, they feel they have information to help others because they have searched themselves and came into healing...They both establish there relationship with Lord which brought there spiritual man alive, a lot of wounds resides in the soul and spirit of a person. Therefore they had a inner healing experience and the pain becomes a lesson of experience.

You asked the question what would one of my WS friends say about being DV'd? I think you said it already. You said there were problems on both sides, the comfort, healing and openess comes into play when you are able to say openly what was your part of downfall of the marriage,What you did about it lessons learned, if you meet a woman you're only trying to be friends, if she's not interested in more than that she'll let you know, at least be open about otherwise it can be mistaken as you're trying to decieve her, some people choose not to be involved with a previous WS.

I'm not saying go around and wear a T-shirt that says "Oh by the way I was a WS"...but you got to get to that point where you are no longer ashamed, turn it over to the Lord, he removes sins that are to heavy to bare, thats what the cross is all about, to place your sins there.

I don't see my cousin or friends as a WS, I see them as people who made a mistake, that will correct you in a minute for relationship dishonesty, in that you wouldn't know if they were a BS or WS....if you found out they were once a WS and it would knock your socks off, you would ask how did they get transformed to be so bold and powerful....

Hope I this helps...