My daughter and I went to a retirement ceremony on base for one of our dear friends. We started the B2 program together so many years ago.

It was hard to be among all the people that we worked with. It was hard to hear the words of integrity, honor, pride in ones self and work. It was hard watching him present his wife and kids with gifts and telling them how much he appreciated them.

That was us two years ago. It is so heartbreaking. It was doubly hard because everyone came up afterwards to say hi...and ask how we were doing. I had to smile and say "FINE".

I feel like I am totally destroyed inside. Things are supposed to be getting better...but I just feel so hurt and betrayed.

All of our friends and associates are starting to retire and fly with the airlines or Fed Ex--moving on to a more financially secure future--

They love their wives and kids and plan to be there for them....

Why did my H betray us like this. Guess I shouldn't have gone to the retirement ceremony--I can feel myself spiraling down. The last few days have been so hard. My son is with H and his bimbo--and he is parading her all over our little town. I have had to work out with them the last two mornings. It is killing me inside. When does it start getting better?

Today, a number of people on base came up and hugged me and said that eventually he will realize what he has done. He will realize what he has lost.....I don't see that happening....and I wish my heart would quit hurting.

I am not going to the reception tonight...it would just be too hard. I wish I could quit feeling like this. Sorry for the vent. Pat

MnM -

I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. I can't even imagine what it's like. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there girly - you're going to be okay.

Another Missourian,
Llama

Thanks llama,

I wish I felt alright. I feel like I have been falling apart this week.

I have to be so strong on the outside...but I feel like I am crumbling on the inside.

I can't quit crying today...and I am not even PMSing...how sad is that.

Everyone...my exH included feels like I should be beyond this by now. It is so hard to give up everything...our hopes, our dreams, our future, our family. How do you just move on?

MnM,

Sorry you are down. I know what you mean about can't seem to let it go. I finally stuck at a point where I am still sad about it all. It just seems such a waste.

Do you feel all your friends lives are just getting better & better & your life is just getting worse & worse? That is how I feel.

hope you are better, can't say anything else YS is here playing Xbox; and I am a cry & type type of poster.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Everyone...my exH included feels like I should be beyond this by now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's so hard when people try and put you in a box. When they give you a timeline to go by for getting over things, when most of them have no idea what has gone on inside your home and your heart.

It's just like the woman at the park. The one who walks up and asks how old your baby is. You answer 13 months. She isn't walking yet? At 9 months my child was walking, and all the books say that they should be walking by 11 months. Have you taken her to the specialist yet?

Pat, my kids both walked at 15 months. Actually Chris walked 2 days before he was 16 months. But he could read a book the month he turned 4.

We all do things in our own time.

Take your time.

As much as you need.

Love you.

E

Thanks Sing and JTW,

My exH and his bimbo and Kyle just drove up in front of the house.

He wanted Kaitie to go to lunch with them...she just got home from soccer camp and she doesn't want to go...absolutely doesn't want to go. I walked out there and the bimbo opened her window--so I walked over to my H's side.

I told him I went to the retirement ceremony and saw all of our friends. We talked for a little while...and then he asked where Kaitie was...and I told him she didn't want to go. He said "well, I thought it was clear yesterday...she is supposed to go to lunch with us, then go to her mini society seminar and then he would pick her up and take her back to Lees Summitt". I said that is fine...but she doesn't want to go. I told him to pick her up at the community center at 3. This is so much FUN!!!

My life is not getting easier....and it was so senseless. The bimbo sat there--cool as an ice cube. What a moralless *****. The audacity of both of them is beyond me.

I just can't believe this has happened to our family.....there is definitely evil in the world--and it took over our family.

I wish I could see a better future. Pat

Ok well I just wanted to write to let you know that I am thinking about you - you have given me some great advice in the past - Now what happened to that nice man you met... Don't let them get you down.... You have come to far - Though I know there are good days and bad days - but someone told me for every bad there is another good day is right around the corner - so try to look at it that way ... Don't feel like your future is bleak - think of it as a new adventure - that is what everyone is telling me - be happy with yourself - You do not deserve this pain anymore - be strong and keep a stiff upper lip - you are better than them and I am sure everyone knows it... Do something nice for yourself - go shopping, a movie or an ice cream... I will be thinking about you - Mimi

Thanks maw64,

I know, I know.....my friend is still there---but I realize this week...that I still have so much to get over. I have felt bad about that this week too.

His divorce isn't final yet. His wife got a new attorney...and it was supposed to be over in the first week of June--but because of her new attorney--they couldn't get a court date until Sept. He also has "6" kids...and where he started coming over here as a friend last spring--my kids got to know him and like him before we ever went out. We didn't go out until after my divorce was final. Just more complications. He has been separated from his wife for 3 years--he didn't take his ring off tho until May. I don't know--there is just so many issues there.

My kids know and really like him...it just kind of happened. I really haven't gotten to meet his kids---except for a few brief encounters. I am not sure if I am ready for that complication. I don't know how receptive they will be. They do know of me--but it will be the typical "lets meet dad's girlfriend"---I don't know--I just don't know if I need that.

His three youngest kids have been here all week. He has stopped over a couple of times to say hi--but that is about it. He did stop at my son's baseball game on Monday--and gave me a really neat card. He misses me. Oh well.

He is a good friend...but I still miss my family....I don't know how to sort out all these emotions.

Can you imagine....10 kids.....Yikes.....Pat

Pat - 10 kids yikes that would freak anybody out.. That is rather ballsy of her to just sit there like she hasn't got a feeling at all - I hope what goes around comes around... She sounds like she is very immature - trying to like one up you - like ha ha I won and I have him - well if thats the case let them have each other - I mean at this point are you missing your family or are you missing him??? I love my husband but I realize that I don't really like who he is right now - and right now he isn't good for me. We deserve to be happy - even if we end up with 10 kids... If that is meant to be then it will happen but right now you don't really need to all caught up in his mess - I would really start to just think about yourself.. I told my husband that he wasn't worth the energy I spending on him and he said you know you are right - he takes the blame for everything - but I still don't think he is ever gonna get what he did to me and the kids - and you what - they are the ones that are gonna be sad - we are the stronger ones to have dealt with this - and willing to forgive - They have just been selfish and only caring about themselves -- Try to cheer up...

I justed wanted to let you know that I am so sorry to hear of the pain that you are experiencing at this time.
WS's can be very cruel and what your H is doing to you is very cruel.
You deserve better than that. No one should have to put up with that kind of treatment.
A hard as it may be, you need to protect yourself and your family from this type of behavior.
Don't allow yourself to be put through anymore than you absolutely have to. You need to set some boundries, and stick with it.
You owe it to yourself and your family.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Thanks maw,

My oldest is going to college this year and two of my friends are graduating in May--but that still leaves 7 kids...wow....

I don't know what the future is going to hold...I still haven't given up the past. Until I do...I am just going to try to get by each day. Today has been a particularly down day for me. I thought I could handle the retirement ceremony--but it turned out to be harder than I thought.

I don't know how I feel about my exH. For the last week or so--he has been really nice--that always throws me for a loop. He has been incredibly mean and cruel to me and the kids over the last year and ahalf tho. Do I love that person--no. Do I know he can be that cruel when he wants to be--yep. Do I want this man as a friend--absolutely not. I really wish he would just drop out of our lives. He is just a big complication. My son is the only one at this point that wants a relationship with him....and I hate that my son is around him and the bimbo. Do they see what they have destroyed?

Wallace,

I wish I knew how to protect myself and my kids...I don't know how to.

It feels like someone has taken something and just stirred up the insides of my heart...it is so very painful. I hate it that he can still do this to me. 25 years is a long time.

I wish I had done something in my marriage to deserve this--but I really didn't. I think that is the part that hurts the most. I loved and supported him and raised the kids and kept his house and supported him in his work....It is hard when you have given someone so much of yourself--and then they dump you.

When will I finally be able to let go....there is no excuse for what he did throughout our marriage. There is no excuse for what he has done to our kids. It is really sad.

I am really in a slump today...so sorry everyone. I think I am going to reopen my Zoloft prescription. I am going to sign off--and get off of this pity party. I hope you all are doing ok. Pat

Pat - I also have that letting go problem - I mean I have been with my husband for 19 yrs and married 15 on August 15th - and it is hard to let go - even after everything they have done to us - and that is hard for other people to understand - you can't really explain it unless you have lived it. Fortunately for me at this stage my husband isn't with anyone or will not let it known that he is and he says that the kids and me will never know if he has anyone and for me right now that works... It is hard not to obsess when you thought that everything in life was wonderful then bam its like you have been hit by a bus.. it is ok to feel sorry for yourself - I do it all of the time but for some reason I have been kind of up all week.. I to take Zoloft and I was totally against but it has been a true livesaver - it is nice to talk to someone and actually not burst into tears everytime they say something... Your children will know that you didn't do anything wrong - my kids know they are 9 and 12 that Daddy doesn't want to be married anymore to Mommy they always make comments - like I know Daddy dumped you but - then my 9 year old continually says its ok the three of us will go on - I wish I had her attitude - it is so cut and dry - but in reality it really isn't - someone responded to a thread that I had written - I think the same one you wrote me on I forgot her name - but she said she was right where I am not letting go - trying hanging because of mixed signals - etc. and she told me don't worry one day bam she woke up and said why do I want him???? Maybe like my sister says they are bad habits - and we just need to get new habits... So you can have a pity party today - but a happy day tomorrow.... Mimi

What you are all experiencing is normal.
You can't just shut-off years of your feelings for someone overnight... it just doesn't happen.
I wish it did, but that is the reality of what we must all face under the circumstances we are all in.
You can't just turn love off like water running from a faucet. Our spouses didn't either... they just started slowly turning their love off way before we even realized what was happening. It didn't magically turn off over night... IMHO.
By protecting yourself... you need to set boundaries for your "H", and tell him this is where I stand on these issues that cause you pain.
Tell him you don't like it, and you will not put up with it around your home any longer. IMHO, he has no right bringing the OW to your home for any reason, unless you give him permission to do so.
I can't tell you what you need to do exactly, because I don't know your situation... but hopefully this can help you get started.
Setting boundaries is very important for us all. We need to know where to set them and how to use them.
I know your pain very well, it is very hard to endure. We will have our good days, and we will have our bad days.
Hopefully we will have more good than bad.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Pat -

I wish I knew when the pain starts to really go away. Realty is, for sensitive souls like us, it could be years.

I've been in a funk too. And why now? We've been so strong for so long?

Well, all I do know is that after reading posts on this board for so long, it looks like the consensus is that the pain eventually does go away and things do actually get better for us.

And things actually get better - not the fake reality better that the WS has - but genuinely better.

It's hard to see, when we're in our low, but I have to trust that if I can go down the roller coaster then I can go back up again.

As far as any new male friends. I'm going to make sure that they want to read and discuss MB info. as well as other books, and any man who will not go to a counselor is out! My standards are going to be alot higher the second time around. This is too much work to go through again.

My ExH is going to get married soon, he already is living with OW and the kids in his new house. I think that the wedding will help me with closure and move on, because the reality is that marriage to ExH was really not the picture I painted it to be, and I may never have done anything about it. Although I'm being thrown into a new life, it may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened. My thinking now is that if things could have been different with ExH . they would have been. But thimgs are as they are and I have to see reality, that ExH had a weak moral character and has turned into - well, there are so many choice words I just can't narrow it down to one or two.......

I hope your feet are recovering well - time for dancing yet?

Remember that the sun always comes up following the darkness of night.

K

Thanks Wallace,

Don't know when I have felt so miserable in a long time. He has brought her here in the car when picking up the kids...makes me sick. But I don't know how to stop that. He won't listen to me.

I feel really used up tonight. What is the point of all this pain? I am so tired of it. Thanks for writing. Pat

Dear GIIC,

Thanks I needed that. It has been awhile since I have been so low. I was doing well there for awhile--and felt pretty optimistic.

I think having to deal with them all week long has really taken a toll on me emotionally. Top that off with that retirement ceremony today--just too many memories. I really thought I could handle that today---but I shouldn't have gone. Too many people there. Then I had to face them the rest of the day. I was a complete total emotional wreck this afternoon. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

I miss the kids. Kyle has been gone for a week tonight. I hate it. That smug look on the OW's face today was sickening---and everywhere I went, people were telling me that they saw them. That hurts. This is a really small town--can't get away with much here. Why does he even bring her here--there is no point. It is so in your face.....oooh yuck. I have to get myself together....

I am also sore....I went and worked out on weight the last two days. I can't even straighten my arms tonight. It felt great to finally get back to exercising--but I can hardly move.

My feet are doing better. They still are a little swollen. I can get them into sandles, but shoes are a little tough yet. My right foot feels good--the left one is still pretty sore.

I am also feeling a little down because I haven't done anything except work around here all summer. The thought of school starting in a few weeks is depressing. I am in no way ready to go back to the rat race we get into once school starts.

The thought of doing this alone again this year is almost overwhelming. He left last year, he stayed away supposedly because of the airlines the year before that, and he was gone to Saudi and Guam the year before that. I am so tired of doing it alone. I don't know how you do it with your kids and the baby. I know I don't have it so bad......but I am out of "strength". I want to be taken care of for a little bit...just a little.

Oh well, I am off to bed. Take care and thanks for your post. Pat

Looks like we posted at the same time.

You're going to hate this response, but in a weird way I do think there really is a point to the pain.

Many times it changes us and motivates us to be better people and to go on an do better things.

I say this currently being in the same pain, but trusting that like gold tested in fire I'll emerge an incredible compasionate person able to communicate and empathize(sp?) with our children, family, friends and others in a way we never could before,

Life isn't over for us by any means and I've got to believe that we'll be much stronger for this.

It's just the going throught it that sucks.

Keep on keeping on. One day at a time. K

Dear GIIC,

I am just afraid I am going to get stuck in this rut.

I wish I could see some progress....I couldn't deal with anyone today....I was just in this funk. I am not good with the kids when I get like this...and I don't get anything accomplished around here either.

I bought paint to redo my bedroom a week ago. I took all the switches off...and there it has sat. I feel like I can't focus on anything again--just being miserable.

That is not a fun way to live. I keep asking God to help me through this--but I really don't feel his presence. I know I am supposed to forgive--and I haven't been able to do that. I just feel like I am a mess.

And I hate feeling like that. What happened to me...the girl who wanted to do everything and tried to do everything. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me.

I tried to explain that to my H a few years ago when he was in one of his "treating me shabbily modes". I told him when he treated me well--I felt great and could accomplish anything and everything. When he treated me poorly--I couldn't do anything. I know I didn't deserve to be treated like he treated me for years....but I still feel so empty without his love and support.

I know you are not supposed to let someone have that much control over you...but he always affected me that way. I don't know how to find the old me that I was before I met him.

I realize now that I didn't center my life on Christ...I centered it on Jim...and that was wrong. I don't know how to give this up...I don't know what to do. I want to become happy and productive again. How do you do that?

Hey mnm...

I was cruisin' around looking for some old friends. HUGS for you. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.

You posted that you wanted to know how to be productive and happy again... well prior to that you answered your own question:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I realize now that I didn't center my life on Christ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's IT. All the wonderful things that have happened in my life are due to me doing JUST that (and I have been doubly blessed that H is doing the same thing).

Develop that personal relationship w/ God through Christ and everything else will fall into place!

Prayers for your continued strength, but know that HE will take care of YOU... IF you let Him.

Cali