When I lived with my stbx, I was afraid of his anger. Everything I did centered around keeping him from getting angry at myself and the kids. Now that we are seperated and have a no contact order, I fear that he will fight for custody of the kids. He said he would in his answer to my petition for divorce; calling me mentally and physically unstable and unfit to be a mother.... all based on the fact that I had a one time fling two weeks before I left him, due to being totally at the end of my rope. (which doesn't make it right, but 7 years of rejection made it difficult for me to say no). He constantly tells the kids they are going to live with him, not me. I know intellectually that the chances of him taking custody from me are slim.....I did all the parenting, he has a criminal record, a poor job history, doesn't get along with people well, etc. I am also very generous with the visitation....he's always the one to cut it short, not me. But still, a custody fight would be awful for the children and unaffordable for me. I live in fear that he has a PI stalking me....really, I don't think he does....and even tho I'm doing nothing wrong, I worry when one of the kids gets hurts that he will blame me and use it as an example of poor parenting....the same if I get a sitter so I can do something fun, or talk to a man in the grocery store, or work at my home business and let them watch tv, or...... I know life isn't supposed to be full of fear of what he will do every minute. But how do I get on with living and enjoying my life knowing he could use anything against me to take the children away?

I think you are a little overly worried about your situation. I know that, as a man, I will have a nearly Impossible time of getting custody of my children. Or, barring that, even getting the equal time I want with them.

And I have a good job, and no criminal record. Also, I'm sorry, but if having a "fling" proved mental instability I'd be happy as a clam, because my wife has had more than one (that I know of).

I don't really see him getting custody of the children being an issue for you, as the courts are all geared towards women in the 1st place.

Chin up, and be at peace ...

My now XH (who is a lawyer) threatened me saying he would throw me out and have total custody of our 4 yr old and that he relished the thought of coming up against my lawyer. He was furious at me. You know why? I caught him and my best friend in a 4+ yr (who knows how much longer) affair. And it was so sweet. I caught them red-handed lying and to this day, I have come up smelling like a rose. TOO sweet. During those 4+ yrs, I began to drink wine (with this x-best friend) and try to mellow out. The more we talked, the more I wanted to have wine. As I look back on it, she was literally pumping me up to consume more and more because she wanted HIM and was (you-know-what with him). Is there anyone here who might think I was totally taken for a fool. When I caught the losers, he (being the devoted loving lawyer husband he is)tried to use my wine drinking as the cause for the affair. "If you hadn't drunk wine all the time, I would never have had a 4+ yr affair with your friend." I decided to go through a divorce mediator. I was honest; told him THE TRUTH, and he said the guy is just trying to float your boat with his hot-air lawyer babble. And now that we have JOINT custody AND this idiot of an XH who used to expound on me about my drinking wine got his 3rd DUI in 12 yrs and loser best friend woman got a DUI the week I uncovered their stupid, self-centered lying for all those years behind my back and right under my nose because I never thought anyone would stoop as low as they go. If you can't trust your spouse and best friend, who can you trust?

Continued control. I deal with it all the time.

And I swear, the less he gets to me, the harder he tries to.

Individual counseling will do wonders for your self-esteem and they can teach you how to deal with his threats and intimidation. Even with a no-contact order, he knows how to get to you. Mine will use the kids, tell them that they will live with him at the 'old house' and they'll each have their own room and blah blah blah. It's a joke. Nineteen months and he can't even make the place livable for himself. Anyway ...

My XH pulled the I'll-take-you-back-to-court card on me AGAIN this last week. He doesn't like it so much when I laugh. He went on about some nonsense and I told him, "You are the only person who sees things that way," and told him his new attorney doesn't scare me. "Bring it."

Trying to be kind has made him think I'm weak. I have to stand up to him, and blow holes in his canoe of ideas. The SS GetBackAtHer will not float!! LOL

There seems to be a rash of controling nasty ex-husbands on this board.

I agree with the ex-princess when I say that you should read co-dependent no more, 21 steps for the co-dependent and any other self-help books that help you regard control sanity and stability over yourself.

The goal is to emotionally distance yourself from this man and then he has no power over your or your kids - even though he will threaten you until the cows come home.

Document every thing he says and does - record your phone conversations and the ones he has with the kids and get evidence of his threats. All this can be used in court to support your case.

My ExH threatens daily, even hourly to take me to court - but remember - you are the sane one here and others will and do see that.

It's unfortunate that the Exs can rattle our cages but over time, prayer and much self help, we can pull ourselves out from under their control.

The key is to not let his antics upset you. It's difficult at first, but eventually it gets easier.

Try not to react right away when he says something. Give yoruself time to respond and then do it in a very logical and polite way. This will of course make him very angry, but so what - it's his anger and you can always politely tell him that you will hang up if he continues to speak to you that way.

You can also tell him that you will communicate with him only by e-mail or a third party.

It is difficult to set those boundaries, especially when they make you always second guess your position and think that you are the one doing something wrong.

Stray strong, and if you think Ex is doing somehting criminal to you, get others involved.

K

Annavon: If there is a restraining order against your stbx and he has a criminal record there is no way he will get full custody of the kids. People say all kinds of things; most of them nasty when they are going through divorce. My ex threatened to put me and the kids out on the street, have the divorce heard before a jury to expose what a terrible person I was....it was all crap. Unfortunately, at the time, I was so emotional from the whole mess that my common sense went out the window and I feared he could do what he said. He didn't...because there isn't a court in the land that would grant full custody to a man with a criminal record, no steady income, and a history of family violence.

If he keeps telling the kids lies, take him to court and try and get supervised visitation. By bad mouthing you to your children he is poisioning them against you...act on it now before it turns into a crisis. I wish I had listened to people when I was told to do that...I am now paying the price of dealing with two disrespectful kids who repeat the same garbage their father has fed them. I was separated 18 months before the divorce was final; my kids used to go completely balistic if a man called me on the phone. They watched every move I made...and actually questioned if I really went to work... Where did they get that from? Dear old Dad. When the cheating theory turned out to be nothing but a lie, my ex told the kids that I would try to get rid of them if I got tired of them. He told them I tired of him and wanted other men. As often as I told him it had nothing to do with other men...it was because of him and his behavior...he would invent some other excuse. it was never his fault...it was all my fault. He never missed a chance to tell the kids that as well. It is a constant battle, but the damage my ex has done to the children is there. Things are better now, but it has been three years of Hell on earth for me. My advice is to seek counseling for abuse. You were emotionally abused for years and the fear you speak of is common. Your children lived in a home where abuse happened...they have been effected as well. I know...I lived it. Take a stand, set concrete boundries and if your stbx crosses them, take him back to court. Don't threaten...just do it. Keep a journal of what is going on, so you can have the facts as they happened. Things are too emotional now for you to recall every detail...so recording it should help.

I wish you luck and the ability to stay strong. As difficult as it is, don't pay his threats any credence.

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: HappyMac ]</small>