Well, I knew this day would come and its here and I can't believe it. My oldest D wrote me a letter. I'm so overwhelmed with emotion. I had always said once my daughter gets out of XW's house and into college by herself I believe she would try to establish a relationship me because she would be out of that deceitful negative enviroment and influence being brainwashed and behold she's on college campus now and she writes me a letter. She must just got there. The letter contains a mix of "why's, what she's angry about and apologies".

She tells me why she has so much anger towards me but I already knew why and I think she will come out of it in time to come now that she's away.

Below is just a small clip of the letter:

She says things that I'm not sure how to respond to she's wanting information but she writes:

My feelings concerning the divorce are not those of hate. In fact, I almost see it as the best thing for our family because everyone was unhappy. I don't have any resentment or guilt as a result of it. I was tired of all the arguing between you and mom its such a big waste of time. I honestly expected you to be a bigger man than that, but you let me down. I thought you were a better person than that making mom cry and being angry. I was upset that you could do that and not be sorry. You may say you are that I don't know.

Dad why come you don't tell me the whole story of what mom did to you, why come you don't tell me what happened? You say things happened to you, but what?? You always said I was too young to know, I don't know your side of the story, Mom always told us what was happening through the divorce and never kept us in the dark, that helped me and YD. But you just said a little of what happened then say the rest is too much for our ears and would hurt us and say I'll tell you when you get older.

Being your daughter has not been a bad thing. A lot of my interest have become what they are because of you for example: Being a musician, history, old movies [classics], old tv shows [laural and hardy, three stooges], etc.

I want to take this time time to apologize for my behavior. It was wrong for me to be so disrespectful to you and there's no excuse for that. I also want to say I'm sorry for blowing you off at the graduation, I really apreciate that you took time off from work and came all that way down there 1,200 miles to see me graduate. It meant a lot to me.


Then she ends letter with:

I hope that you can forgive me for everything I may have done. Hopefully now we can have some type of relationship. Remember I love you and if you want write back. Love xxx

***********
Thank you Elizabeth (justthewife) and other MB Partners for your input over the course of time. I feel I just gained my Kids back after almost 2 years of wifes mess, I just remember younger D called me about 2 weeks ago and wanted to re-established a relationship also. I have lots of work to do but the door is open. So there's hope after all!! I'm happy.

Any thoughts are welcome how to approach this issue without making it worse. She wants to know details of what happened but I been so vague and generic in the past, I don't know how or if I should tell her about all my xw's Other Men and multiple affairs and why I left. I told my kids before why I left but being so vague with it I see they don't understand......From there view I've kinda been the bad guy..but now I'm about to make a positive come back..

good for you. . . . now you have an oppotunity to be seen for who you are and what values you have, assuming you call verbalize them, and talk at the level apropriate for your daughter. .

Go slowly, and put out a little information as testing her ability to absorb complex, adult issues. . .

don't overload her at once but put your knowledge in terms that she can use in her dating and mate selection process while in college. . .

and talk from the "i" position, your position, your thoughts, your actions, your thoughts, so that she can learn without blame, she can learn independent thinking, not codependent thinking. .
not reactive thinking, not blaming thinking. . but sound, basic logic. . .

wiftty

Thanks Wiftty, I'll kept that approach in mind..Testing the waters with a little bit at a time is good.

I think Wiffty is right...although D feels like an adult, looks like an adult, etc...she still has young feelings and thought processes. I would answer her questions honestly without pointing fingers and without trying to make her mom look like the bad guy. And I would do it in small doses---the whole story is likely to overwhelm her and she will only 'see' part of it, giving her a skewed picture.

Good luck. I'm so happy that she's opened this dialogue.

Why just not give her the facts? i.e. in such and such date I found your mother having an affair with another man, in such and such date I again found your mother having an affair with another man, etc. etc. Present the truth without anger, resentment or bitterness towards her mother and let her know that the past is the past and you have moved on with your life. She just might surprise you with a level of maturity not common for young people her age.

Well I mailed letter to OD. I tried to be apologetic and explained my side of the story without trying to bluntly blame XW but to show the irresponsiblity of the Affairs and Adultery.

She mention in her letter how I stooped low in her eyes as a man in handling xw actions and treated wife mean, now daughter experienced this because XW was no longer playing the mother role to them but became a sister of there age wife became 17, therefore xw was sharing very graphic details of what was going on, this is why OD says wife hid nothing through the divorce?, she lost all morals and values, this is why OM sleeps there and drives her car.

In the letter I tried to show her Love, integrity, strength, praise, a sound mind, so she can identify with the norm again. During quality time days me and my daughter would always watch movies, pop popcorn and drink warm cider heated with cinnamon sticks at my time of spending time with her. Then when we ate dinner we would set the table with the special utensils and plates and glassware we enjoyed eating at the table sharing talking. Well xw wasn't into that kinda stuff, she said pitch that mess, when she moved she pitched the dinner table concept out, told kids eat in your room that stuff is for the birds. She came from a family everybody went to there own space and ate, I came from a family where we ate and joked during dinner around the table. She came from a family mother was married 7 times, father 5 times [still cheating], I came from a family where mother and father stuck it until they died.

On with the story.

I told daughter what happened at the beginning in 2000 of discovery of the affairs and who and just a few men with names but not all. I only covered maybe 3 of many incidents but I told her a lot more happened later as well. I gave her time lines and events so she would remember and see that the arguments and name calling were not geared of me picking on XW but it was in response to the multiple affairs discovered one after the other 2 and 3 weeks apart.

The guy xw is currently involved with she meet on the internet he was the first in the picture starting in 2000 so OD is going to put it all together that XW has been cheating for quite some time even while in same house.

I'm curious to see what response I get back because at the same time xw has kids programmed as insider spys on me so I have to be careful what I say, they run back and tell her. After I thought about this I'm sure daughter will tell wife about how sorry I am and xw may think I'm validating her position, I hope not. I have apologized to xw for any hurts I caused but I tried to not validate her position.

Its kinda of funny about OD and YD because they talk in code to block me out on the phone and they slip up sometimes and I'll be giggling to myself but at the same time they're looking for a story to run back in tell her too, so what can you say.

Since I sent xw CS modification papers, this puts me in a position where I have to converse with her now. I think this is what she was wanting in the first place. This wanting to be friends stuff while she does her thing with OM.

EC,

your perceived truth does not depend on whether daughters run back and tell mom. . .

your perceived truth will be believed when you relate to your daughters at their level on their terms. . . .

ask you OD what would she think, feel and do if her boyfriend of 1 yr was also dating and sleeping with her best friend? or just sleeping with anyone with two legs? you have to get them to relate by how they would react to the similar situation in their life.

then you need to continue to state your position, whatever it is. . . marriage is a choice, love is a choice, life is hard work, etc. . . .

<small>[ August 01, 2002, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

I'm sure we'll get there to that point, me and her no longer have the middle man[xw] in between us as a negative influence so I think she will really open up now, while she was in the house she was forced to talk in code but know she's not surpressed by that. I think the letter shed a lot of light on some things of her questioning

OD has or had a boyfriend nothing serious, when we get to the point of talking he will be a good example to use for me to relate to her.

She made the comment in her letter "
Hopefully now we can have some type of relationship "

She makes point of "Now" we can have a relationship...which stems from now and then, I think "then" is when she lived at home.

That means she's willing to talk and share again. She wrote the letter on July 5th which she lived at home then, I remember talking to YD and ask her what OD was doing and she was in her room at the time. She mailed the letter on July 25th away from home. So thats a good sign, she feels she's away from something old, ready to start new.

I wrote the letter in a way where she can go back to it and read over and over and gain strength and understanding from it, its pretty positve, as long as she see me moving on she won't dwell on the affair stuff, but I'm sure next time she see's my xw with OM she's going think "this is the man that invaded my home".

Outside of that there a lot of good things ahead for us..