My stbxh filed the divorce petition last week with the court. Our divorce should be final soon. We were married for six years; my first, his second. I look back now at the warning signs when we met and were dating. I am a much wiser person now. I learned, by experience, to never marry someone who:

1) is not on speaking terms with close family members (it shows they have the capacity to "cut" loved ones out of their lives with no remorse; they will do it to you too).

2) has no long term friendships and few or no short term friends (they won't be able to sustain a friendship in the marriage with you either).

3) is very needy and overwhelming at the beginning of the relationship (they need you for something and they are going to use you).

4) has any sort of chemical dependency (it more than likely will get worse over the course of time without help).

5) shows a very bad temper towards other people (eventually you will be the brunt of the temper).

6) left a former spouse in a cruel fashion (they will do it to you too).

7) loves money too much (they will love money more than you).

I ignored all these warning signs, and more, because I was blindly in love. Each one has now come back to haunt me almost seven years later. I will be much more careful next time around.

Hey fingers, I too have been looking back & have seen warning signs in retrospect - some are the same as yours.

2) has no long term friendships and few or no short term friends (they won't be able to sustain a friendship in the marriage with you either).
WH is just the opposite, he has many long term relationships with that he just won't break off from, they are more important that me and his kids

4) has any sort of chemical dependency (it more than likely will get worse over the course of time without help).
Mine did too and id did get worse over time. He couldn't hold it together for more than a few years at time then would be in lala land for a few years.

6) left a former spouse in a cruel fashion (they will do it to you too).
My first date with WH, he was supposed to be on a date with his girlfriend. He told me at dinner that he was supposed to be in ____ with ___ but they were going to break up.

7) loves money too much (they will love money more than you).
WH loves money and things and the illusion that it can create. He feels he is a good H & Dad cuz he has a nice house. A house is not a home though, people make it a home. He thinks cuz he has this illusion that he can go out & do whatever he wants and everything will look ok.

Here's another big one - DISHONESTY
WH was dishonest with me about a lot of things from day one and didn't change.

WH needed to be withsomeone all the time. Before we got M and had kids, I was his companion. Then poof, off he goes & leaves me with the kids & him off doing who knows what and with who knows who.

D.

Those are all good signs that you have posted so far.
My number one item is also Honesty. Big red flag if I catch you in a lie no matter how small it is... there is a problem. Small lies lead to much bigger lies on down the road.
Drinking and Drugs... if they are that important to someone, then it's time to tell them goodbye. Everything in moderation. Too much of anything can kill you!
Communication... if you can't communicate between each other... it's time to go.
There are many more, but I'm still sorting it all out, but those are my top three.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wow, what a great list...could have been written by me.

Just an addition: always concerned about self--career, emotions, sex, attention. Doesn't empathize with other's feelings or concerns.

I am going to copy these off for my older daughters...in fact there has been so much wisdom at this site on how to pick a great partner or avoid a bad one. I think I will start copying them and make a booklet for the kids when they start getting serious about someone. Maybe a checklist????????? Pat

What I've learned in the past 5 years. Letterman style!

10. Always...always do your best, especially when nobody is looking.

9. Accept that something's don't work out the way you want, but there is usually a reason.

8. Beware of women who are just one of the guys, they are usually looking for acceptance to fill a life long hole inside them.

7. Communication, communication, communication....

6. As Dr. Phil would say, "some people get it, and some people don't.

5. You need to take a break from this site once in a while.

4. Reality takes many forms.

3. The key to acceptance is acknowledging your reality.

2. If it doesn't work, stop doing it.

And the number one lesson I learned the past 5 years....I married the wrong person.

This list has several items in common with a checklist that I found in the "Ask Dr. Tracy" web site on a page about "Qualifying" Someone. Hopefully you will find things on that web page to add to your checklist.

Hi Fingers, I too chose someone with many of the issues you describe:

1) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">is not on speaking terms with close family members</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- He didn't speak to his parents for a year because they didn't like his first wife, then he got paranoid about his sister and began threatening her and her husband, now he doesn't speak to anyone in his family, blaming me for turning them against him.

2) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">has no long term friendships and few or no short term friends</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- he has a number of long-term as well as short-term friends but none of them wants to have anything to do with him in his current circumstances.

3) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">is very needy and overwhelming at the beginning of the relationship</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- yes. wanted to know my every thought and all about my past relationships, then spent 20 years using the info against me.

4) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">has any sort of chemical dependency</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- Yes! My H was an addict/alcoholic, unbeknownst to me, when I met him. Things got progressively worse for 8 years until I left him and he got sober. He was sober for almost 10 years, then started drinking and using drugs again 2.5 years ago, found a very much younger like-minded girlfriend and has been living with her for the past 1.5 years.

5) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">shows a very bad temper towards other people</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- toward his ex-wife, people in cars, people on TV and finally toward me.

6) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">left a former spouse in a cruel fashion</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- yes. He pursued me at work after I'd recently broken up with a boyfriend. Told me his marriage was over - only as "over" as ours was when he left me for OW...

7) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">loves money too much</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- after he got sober, we started a successful business. WE built a large house - he claims HE did it FOR me - he tries to say that I'm the one who loves money, but he is a spend-a-holic and his main issue with me during our divorce is money.

8) I have to agree with WGTT and Wallace that HONESTY is probably issue #1. When I met him, he was dishonest to his wife, dishonest to me, changed price tags on items he was buying, later sold bogus advertising, the list goes on...

9) I agree with MM - concern with self - he needed way more attention than I gave him and always had women "best-friends" who were crazy about him (he tended to pick unattractive, needy women who were terribly flattered by his attention - like the OW).

10) And last but definitely not least was how the rocks in his head fit the holes in mine. I chose him to love, first because he chose me, but second because I felt he was screwed up enough t to love me. And that's the most important thing I've learned in the last 2 painful years: the only way to have a healthy relationship is to get healthy yourself!

the only way to have a healthy relationship is to get healthy yourself!

AMEN !!!!

LetSTry: We could be married to the same man. After reading these boards for several months, it seems there are many similar personality traits that a lot of these wayward spouses exhibit. Is it borderline personality disorder, complusive/obsessive, depression, bi-polar, etc.? I have become intrigued by this. What is going on in their heads; what makes them tick? It makes me want to go back to school and get a degree in psychology! Anybody out there that can explain these personality traits?