I keep finding out all the lies and stuff about my husband. It is really bad stuff...porno and lots of infidelity lasting 9 years out of our 15 years of marriage..<P>My therapist said I was in shock..went down to 92 lbs and 5 ft 6in...and just not thinking straight..and having to care for 3 little kids.<P>His therapist that is a specialist in sexual addiction, called me and said that it was not fair that my husband be banished from his home and he was too stressed to be left alone.<P>**** I loved him for so many years I hated to hear this and against my therapists advice I took him back into my home... we have a big house and 2 master bedrooms...so we are working on "co parenting".<P>But something has bappened...I feel seperated I no longer fear sex as My husband can't hurt me anymore..I feel nothing for him.. absolutley nothing.. not friendship nothing...but for once I want sex! I want to know that I can feel sexxy and enjoy my body and well at my weight I may look a little bony but with a good tan line it looks good in certain light..I lift weights to get bulk. <P>So....I have been making love to my husband that I have "seperatd from" to prove that I can enjoy sex with someone that doesn't really mean that much to me and that is somewhat safe, after the herpes I make him use condoms! <P>But now I am nutty! I tell him what to do, how to do it, and to just please me..this is so unlike me!!!!! They tested my thyroid and hormone levels wondering why I didn't have any sex interest before..(they didn't check to see if I was abused nightly- or if my husband was into sadistic behavior) anyway I am awful! I have bought flavored massage oils and I don't know if I know what I am doing....I just love the fact that I can walk away totally "satisfied" and not care what happens to him. I am getting crazy huh?<P>I am cheating on my husband by esentially screwing him....on my terms.. and then leaving the bed for him to clean up... <P>I don't feel like this is a get even more like hey this is totally for me!! Finally its all about ME and I finally, finally really love ME.<P>Am I making myself crazier? We have only been going to therapy for two weeks...and every day is a new "truth".. and it doesn't even bother me..I have completely distanced myself from him.<P>I was raped at age 5... I wonder if this is a part of it..<P>But the best part!!!! Is he now wants me so bad, said the sex has never been so incredible in his life! He even outgrew his condom... and he wants me forever ...and I don't care! I am evil and wicked ...I just can't help it the power I feel is incredible!<P>I now know that I am not chopped liver! I have been hit on by young men but I always knew what they were after so it didn't count...my husband wants me for sex and my mind and all the stuff he should and I don't care!<P>What is wrong with me?

Wow Love? -<P>I don't really know what to say!!<P>Sounds like you have released some insecurities and inhibitions and that was very freeing for you.<P>Maybe the shock of all that you've discovered enabled you to not worry or hold in resentments that you have had and just say "the heck with it".<P>I don't think that you're "nuts" - you're just doing what you need to at the moment to feel good. <P>Keep with the counseling - seems like you're both getting a lot of things out that have been bottled up.<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba

I wouldn't pass value judgments on yourself like that. <BR>There is this book i have been desparately waiting to share with someone, and you are definitely it.<BR>I found a link with an excerpt on it once, but i can't find it now ;(<BR>However, i bought it, and it was extremely interesting.<BR>It is called:<BR>THE 91% FACTOR: WHY WOMEN INITIATE 91% OF DIVORCE, END MOST RELATIONSHIPS, AND WHAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT IT.<P>The premise is that women need to "manage" their sexual relationships with their husbands in order to maintain good marriages.<BR>Most of us do well in courtship: we expect a lot out of a man before we give him sex, because, biologically, we need to make sure he can provide for the family that might be created. no flowers=no sex.<BR>But once we marry, we get lazy, and stop putting any demands on him. Why should he give us flowers, when sitting around on the couch all night drinking beer gets him sex, anyway? (so to speak).<BR>Men WANT and NEED for us to put demands on them (no, i do not mean manipulating, and the book is very clear about this).<BR>Betrayers find affairs to be both demanding (tough to 'pull off' without getting caught) and enjoyable, so why not make the marriage that way?<BR>But NOOOOO, we are supposed to give 'unconditional love', which, biologically speaking, rewards him for being a jerk, ignoring the kids, not thanking us for dinner...all that sort of thing. Where's the challenge for him? Where's the excitement?<BR>The arousal of, "will i get some tonight or not?".<P>Let me see if i can find that link for you, and don't go thinking you are doing bad stuff, unless someone is getting hurt (which, i remember, your H is a sadist, so you know all about the policies of joint agreement? protection?)<BR><P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>