I signed on with a lawyer today and he will have the papers ready to be sent to WS early next week. I also signed a lease on an apt. one block from the beach!!! Well, I am single now I might as well live it up right???

Plan B has been tremendous for me, it really has. For a long time I did not have any hope for the future. I didn't believe there could be a future for me without my WS. Well, I can see now that there is light ahead.

Plan B has brought some life from the WS, however, which has made my divorce decision just a little harder. I have received an email and a postcard from her apologizing and asking for me to go wherever she is because she misses me. I had to be strong and remember it is the actions that count the most. If she wants me, she knows where she can find me. Well, wish me luck everyone. I know I will still have plenty of sad and lonely nights ahead but God willing I will make it through!

Sorry to hear that you had to file "D" papers to get your WS's attention.
It sounds like you did get her attention though.
Do you want to get your "M" back or are you going to go the distance with the "D"?
It sounds like you have a pretty good toe-hold on the situation... that's good.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace,
I do plan on going forward with the DV. My wife is currently pregnant with OM's child. She had left OM for a short time for me, then left me as well. I knew of the possibility of her spending the month of August at a spiritual retreat where OM would also be. I was holding out for this event. I told her that going to this event was not in the best interest of our marriage back in May. However, she is now there. Well, this turns out to be more important to her than our marriage. I am tired of being rejected Wallace. Enough is enough. If someone wants to reject me now, let it be the hottie on South Beach that I will ask out when the DV is final.

Tofu,
I know of what you speak as I went through a very similiar situation with my WW (pregnant by OM).
My "D" will be final in October of this year.
I'm not turning back either.
There will be those lonely nights though, and those are sometimes hard to get through.
It's a rollercoaster ride that is for sure.
Good luck at the beach with those hotties.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Tofu: You state that your WW is pregnant by OM. In my situation, the OW is pregnant with twins. I will soon be divorced. Was the pregnancy the final straw for you? How did you cope with the news? For me, it was devastating; the toughest news of all. The ultimate betrayal. But I, too, am trying to move on; one day at a time. By the way, sounds like you live near Miami. I'm on the gulf coast; our beaches aren't as exciting as South Beach. Good luck with the babes!!

Wallace: I have been reading your posts and don't remember reading that your WW was pregnant. Is she pregnant now? How did you deal with this news?

It's good to see that you have your self respect back and that nobody, least of all your stbxww, can trample it anymore.

Your stbxww's worst betrayal is not against you but to herself, and she will eventually realize this and will suffer tremendously for it. She is to be pitied and more so because you'll probably meet somebody truly worthy of your love and she'll find out later on all about it through people that know both of you.

Don't become a stranger.

Not to impose on this thread, but to answer your questions Fingers.
She was pregnant by OM. She got an abortion without telling anyone, and forged a personal check of mine to pay for it through Planned Parenthood.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

The papers were sent to her yesterday via federal express. I haven't heard from her yet. It looks like everything might go well . . .

Fingers about your questions - Was the pregnancy the final straw for you? How did you cope with the news? For me, it was devastating; the toughest news of all.

The pregnancy actually wasn't the final straw. I was actually willing to raise the child. It was a shock, but she had come home to tell me about it before telling OM and it showed me that she trusted and loved me more than him. However, a few weeks later I was hearing the same thing. I love him. I didn't have an affair, it was love and I had already left you before I slept with him blah, blah, blah . That was it for me. The final straw. She was going through affair withdrawal and I didn't have the patience for it. I went into plan b. Two months later she went to a place where OM is at as well for a three week retreat. That did it.

Coffee man - thanks again for all your help! I am done with being rejected. I will not give her the opportunity to reject me again.

Tofu,

Sorry you are going through this. In the divorce are you mentioning that the child is not yours? Most states assume that in a marriage the baby is legally yours. Not sure if you want to be stuck paying child support for a child that is not yours. Talk to your lawyer.

Moinouvelle
Oui, it is stated in the settlement that we do not and are currently not in the process of having any children together.

I sent a letter last week stating that she would be receiving the divorce papers early this week. Still no word from her. I think she is supporting my wishes.

However, I must admit there is a small part of me that is just hoping to hear from her. Hoping to hear her beg to return . . . I guess it is me wanting to see her show regret for what she has done. Friends told me that could very likely happen. It does scare me too. What would I do? Would I remain strong enough to proceed with the divorce? I really believe I am certain about the divorce, but dealings with emotions are so tricky. It is very rarely a yes or no type of situation.

Tofu,
I am so sorry to hear of your situation.

But remember, it is their actions that speak. That is what keeps me strong and wanting to proceed with a Dv from my H. His actions over the past year speak volumes.

Good luck with the hotties and stay strong. She will realize her mistake someday and will never have true happiness.
Forgiver

Hey Tofu,

My ex always begged to come back. The problem was. He was good for a month or two and then reverted back. Never changed. So in the end...I ended and did not take him back the last time he begged. I could not live with the cycle anymore. It is up to you with what you can and can not live with.

Sorry you are going through this.

Hi Tofu. It's good to hear that you are still with us and updating us on your situation.

I agree with MoiNouvelle regarding the taking back of WS's only to be betrayed once more by them because they will not let go of the OP. I beleive it was Orchid who mentioned that what worked for her situation was raising the bar everytime her FWH would go back to OW, and thus by not giving him an easy way back to her, he had to work hard to prove that he merited beign taken back. It is something to keep in mind if she ever decides to beg you to let her back into your life. I guess for some people the only way they can appreciate the value of something they want is by the effort they put in to acquire it.

Tofu, even though your situation is far from over, your experiences and actions can be of great help to other new arrivals to the boards, so please consider not going away for too long.

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 11:32 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Yes, this sucks!
My WW called last night and talked to my dad. He told her to call back this morning so I am now at my parent's place waiting for her call. I figured I might as well tell her how it is, but I am so scared!!!!! It is so difficult. As much as I have suffered this year, it kills me to cause her any pain. I don't want to hurt her, yet it seems like I must if I want to take care of myself and protect myself. How freakin difficult is this!!!
I must be strong! My mom is here to hold my hand afterwards. I am sure I will be very upset as I have already cried a few times this morning.

Tofu,
Are you sure this is really what you want to do?
By the sound of your last post, it seems like you have mixed emotions on what to do.
Make no mistake about it... it does suck!
This is probably one of the most painful experiences you will ever go through.
Think very hard about what you really want to do... IMHO it does not appear that you are ready to make a clear decision on what you really should do at this point.
Let your head clear a little bit and then decide if you truly want to go through with the "D".
You are about to make one of the most important decisions of your life... make sure it's truly the one you want.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

HELP!
Well, when I sent the papers I knew that I wasn't ready. I was sort of kind of hoping she was and she would sign and it would all be over and done with. Well, she cried on the phone for one hour today. She said she has been trying to call me all the time in the past few weeks but no one was ever home. I confirmed this using the caller id. There was a call everyday about that time. She can't stand OM and she says she loves me so much etc. . We were so happy together why did I ever do this etc. . . .Well, naturally my parents are dreading my decision thinking I am going to take her back. My mom justs wants me to be happy, but is worried that she might screw me over again. I just don't know. I still love her. I have a lot of thinking to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tofu:
<strong>HELP!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Something to keep in mind: It's not all or nothing.

Take a step back and look at your options. You don't have to choose between divorcing your wife or going back to the way it was before.

Consider counseling. If your wife can learn from her mistakes (and if you can learn from yours), then your marriage can survive and thrive. But no matter what, it's going to take time and effort to rebuild trust. It's going to take actions, and not just words.

Look at it this way: you're going to have to start over. Whether you start again with your wife, or with someone else, or even just by yourself, you're still going to have to start over.

I believe that if your wife is genuinely repentant, she will be willing to put in the time and effort necessary to rebuild. If she's not ready to do that - if she wants everything to be not just forgiven but also forgotten - then you may regret taking her back.

GnomedePlume- Thanks for helping me see that. I definetely know that it will be very different with my wife should I choose that path. We will need counseling and a lot of work. I don't really know where she is at in regards to forgiving and forgetting . . from the call today I felt like she said all the right things. She talked about counseling, she talked about not giving a hoot about om and not wanting to ever see him etc. . . but it is a lot to ask of me after what I have been through. I am most definetely not ready to make a decision, this I know. Right now, about 10 hours after contact, I am thinking to tell her to go home to her parents and we will put the divorce on hold for a little while. The baby is due in Jan. I've talked to my lawyer about me being with her when the baby is born and what that may entail should we separate later and he said that there is no chance whatsoever of me having any chance of having to care for the child. He said that the real father's name should be on the birth certificate and that he might sue for visitation rights but he would most likely never win custody. Legally I am okay. Emotionally, I am a wreck. Starting over with her will entail a lot right now, but then again step-children is a fairly common practice nowadays and there are a lot of very happy families out there with step-children. I have a lot to think about.