Hey everyone..I wrote here a couple of times earlier this year. To give an update.....My wife and I were married June 24th 2001. We dated each other for 8 years before that. In November 2001, I came home from work and I told my wife I had a gambling problem. She was very upset but she went to Gamanon and I went to GA for a few months. Then I gambled again in January 2002 and I was so embarrassed that I hid it from her. She seperated from me in February 2002 and filed for divorce June 2002. Look, I am in the wrong here. With a gambling problem comes dishonesty. But I was only dishonest about gamblng. I was a closet gambler. My wife thinks she doesn't know me anymore to love me. I am still a great person with a good heart. I made a mistake, I didn't know I had the problem before I got married. I knew I gambled before I got married, but I didn't realize I had a problem until November. We are going to court next week to finalize the Divorce. I am having a very very difficult time with this. It's not like we dated for a year or so and then got married. This is my very best friend and my only love of my life. How can she just walk away from me like this. I agree that what I've done leads to seperation for a while, but not Divorce. She is only 24 and maybe she thinks she is being strong for leaving, but I think she is weak for leaving. Isn't marriage supposed to be "for sickness and in health?" "for better and for worse?" For the past couple of months, since she left in february, I go to 4 GA meetings a week and meet with my therapist 2x a week. There are these little sayings in the meetings like "Let Go, Let God." I live by that saying because I know it is completely out of my control whether she ever comes back to me or not. All I can do is stay focused on doing the right thing, which is staying away from gambling and being a good honest person. What should I do when I go to court? I am still deeply in love with her. Do I say hi and smile? Do I say hi and cry? Do I not say hello to her? I don't know how to act. I'm so scared also because I am 26 years old and I've never dealt with this much pain before. I don't know how much more pain I can take. Please respond.

ANH,

Since no one else has jumped in, I'll take a crack at it, but I am speaking to you as the person who has had to "deal with" the person who has the problem. In other words, I am in your wife's shoes, not yours.

My guess--and it is purely an educated guess--is that one of the conditions for continuing to stay in the marriage in November was continuing to go to GA and NOT GAMBLING. Thus, in January, when you gambled again AND hid it from her, in her head she thought that you had broken the condition of staying. In a BIG AND MAJOR WAY, her trust was damaged. Furthermore, she is young and does not want to spend her life mopping up after your "mistakes"--especially if you are unwilling to do the hard work that it takes not to gamble. Yes, she said, "for better, for worse" but she is establishing a LOUD AND CLEAR boundary here--she absolutely will not tolerate lying, dishonesty and gambling in her life. Period.

Honestly, gambling is just like any other addiction. In order to beat it, YOU have got to want to beat it and admit to yourself that it is a problem that is out-of-control. Then you have to live day-by-day doing WHATEVER you need to do to not slip back into it, and IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to not gamble again, not hers.

Here's the deal. You can not tell her, "Trust me, I will never do that again" because she has already heard that before and just doesn't believe it--nor should she!!! The fact of the matter is that you are going to have to PROVE to her that you are serious, that you can and will follow through on your promises, and that she can trust you--AND THAT TAKES WORK. Words will not cut it, but actions MIGHT. I say might, because it is conceivable that she has just shut her heart.

If there is to be ANY hope, I would suggest that you ask for a six-month or one year "postponement" from her, and tell her that during the six months or year you are asking for the opportunity to PROVE to her how serious you are about staying honest and not gambling. Don't pressure her to love you again, because you have hurt her BADLY...to the core. But ask for the chance to prove it to her through your actions that you are trustworthy...that you can be fully open and honest NO MATTER WHAT...and that you can lick this gambling addiction.

Then there's the hard part. For an entire year, you are going to have to work. There is little or no room for error--no slip-ups or excuses.

Whaddya think??

CJ

Dear FaithfulWife-

WOW! You really said it perfectly and I agree with every word you said. My last bet was on March 13, 2002. I know it takes an enormous amount of hard work and I know there is no room for error. But I can do this. I know I can. Throughout our lives together, she was always my biggest supporter. If I doubted I can do something, she convinced me I can do it. This is the first time that I really want something (TO STOP GAMBLING) and this is the first time that she's given up on me. I am so excited to get my life together. FOR ME, not for anyone else. I am excited because I am so young and I can really turn my life around. I listen to all the older members in my GA rooms and they lost millions and millions of dollars gamlbing. I know I'm just as sick as they are, but they look at me as if I have my entire life ahead of me and as long as I'm on the right path, my life can only get better. Really, I have tried everything. We tried a MC, that didn't work, I tried speaking to our Rabbi, that didn't work. I sent her letters explaining my feelings and telling her what my actions are going to be to beat this addiction. She didn't respond. By no means whatsoever am I belittling what I've done. You said it most accurate...I hurt her to the core. I feel so bad because I destroyed her life. She told me her biggest fear in life is getting divorced and I made it come true. I am never giving up on us. I just hope that she comes around. Should I send her a card before we go to court? Thanks for your response. It was great insight as to how she is feeling. Please reply again.

hi ANH--
Welcome to this board, and to this very distressing club. I read your post with interest because we, my wife and I, are separated/divorcing as well. It's tough, man, and I know what you mean when you say you are shocked that your best friend can leave so easily like that. This is the world today, my friend. Tired of your old car? Get a new one. Spouse giving you trouble? Dump 'em on the curb. It's a consumers world out there, and there is no reason to put up with the slightest inconvenience when you can just erase the situation and start over.

I think it's a damn shame that you admitted a problem and that sent her running. Life is full of injustices, my brother.

Now here's what. You have to remain strong emotionally. Crying or begging at this point will be the death knoll on this thing. I don't know why, but that's the way it is. So you have to act as if you are the happiest mofo on the block--like your life is where it's at. When you talk to her, be very cordial and don't ask if she misses you or drill her on relationship talk.
This is the only way to go. If you constantly pursue her, she will leave for good.

But if you drop everything and make yourself a happy go-lucky guy, she will pause and take a look. She will wonder why you are not suicidal.
She will think very carefully about what's going on. I'm there with you, and it is very tough. But ot is the only way.

I respect you for getting help on the gambling.
I'd like to know a little more how this manifests itself in your life.

Keep posting, ANH, and also remember to stay steely strong. Watch ow it carries you through.

Thanks for your post EazyE. You make a lot of sense. Let me explain to you, in my experience, what a compulsive gambling problem can do to your life. My addiction was to gamble on sports. I enjoyed going to Atlantic City, but that was just for fun. My true compulsion was basketball, college and pro, football, college and pro, baseball, hockey. I was a year round bettor. My wife always suspected I was gambling but I would always deny deny deny. It's so scary how much lyiing I did to cover up my illness. One lie would lead to the next and so on. The way it effects your life is every time I win, I'm very happy and in a good mood and generous with my money. But every time I lose, I am miserable to be around. So I had to teach myself eventually to not get excited or angry with a win or a loss. I would just play it like I didn't care who would win. So imagine watching a football game with your wife and you win or lose on a last minute play and you can't react to it because you just won or lost and you don't want to show any emotion because then she'll suspect I had money on the game. Am I making any sense? I feel like I'm rambling. If someone can take out a hundred dollars or two hundred dollars and say,I want to have fun, and if they win or lose, they stop, than that is called a recreational gambler. Me? I'd start out with a lot of money and then continue to gamble with more money after I would lose. I could not stop. My every day life depended on who was playing, who was pitching. Thee was a lot of time and thought that would go into my picks. The weather, the time, so much crap. I hated that part of my life and although it feels strange not to gamble any more, I am a much better person for it. Keep in touch EZ. Be cool.

ANH,

{{{{{{{{{{ANH}}}}}}}}}}

i am so sorry that you are here with the rest of the hurting people. i totally understand the pain of loosing someone youlove so deeply...

i have to say that i agree with both faithful and ez... i have some experience in all these areas, being that i used to be a drug addict and being that i have lost the one person who i love. i can only love him and i want him home so badly.

you do have to work your program, but please remember to keep God in there. and then you can't be all sad and emotionally a mess. that just makes them feel more disgusted with us.

i have played so many manipulative games and tried to do everything but turn it over and trust God. so please remember that those dumb anonymus cliches are good for every part of life.

Remember the serenity prayer...
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things that i can and the wisdom to know the difference"...

and remeber that, "NO Weapon Formed Against You Shall Prosper"...

and then, "Let go and let God"...

Bless you...

Stay up...

Kim... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

p.s. just to let you know, i know this stuff and i have to continuoulsy remind myself. i have these sayings printed and posted all around me and some days it's too hard to even breath, but i do believe that God will see us through if we let Him...

Kim -
Thanks for your reply. I'm just trying to surround myself with good people and people who have experienced similar things to what I'm currently going through. It's good to know that you're out there with me. I pray every morning and every night and ultimately I just want her to be happy. If it's with me then GREAT! I hope it is with me. But if it's with someone else, that may suck for a while, but as long as she's happy, then I'll be okay. Keep in touch Kim. Thanks.

Adam

ANH -

THis is a really tough situation that you are in, but I do agree that actions speak louder than words, and if read the info. on this board - and His Needs Her Needs and try to plan A your wife, then you never know what will happen.

However, you need to make these changes for you.

I am the daughter of a gambler and it's very scary - especially for the women because women need financial security - which a gambler cannot provide.

She is probably thinking about what if you have children, you fall off the wagon, lose the farm and then she is stuck with her bills and now the expense of the kids.

From experience, gambling is usually just the outward expression of a deeper problem. Usually something to do with your childhood or family. Sometimes, as in my case, there is an actual chemical imbalance that requires medication, usually for the rest of your life.

I would see a counselor who specializes in gambling and possibly a phsychiatrist to see about medication.

You can't underestimate the severity of the disease. And it is very hard, although not impossible, to control.

Remember that getting divorced civily does not mean that you can't one day get remarried when you have shown that you are in recovery.

I can't blame your wife, although I too believe until death do us part. However, I also see the wisdom in what she is doing until you prove that you are serious about recovery and successful in recovery, because you do not want to hurt any future children with this addiction. It will ruin their lives.

I would read the info. on this site. Learn about marriage builders, and start to Plan A your wife.

Be nice and fair in the divorce proceedings, so as to not shut the door on the future.

Then work on recovery for yourself - counselor, drugs, whatever. You need this time to get yourself together. Then your wife may start to see the changes and come back around. But remember, you can't go through recovery for her - it has to be for yourself.

It also helps to lean on God right now. Get involved with your church, because God is the real one who will help you through this.

Good luck and my prayers are with you. K

Dear God is in control-

WOW, this site is really amazing. Thank you so much for your post. I think you said it the exact way I am feeling....I can't blame my wife for leaving, but for better or worse and til death do us part is what I believe in. It's easy for me to say if the roles were reversed I would not leave, but I truly wouldn't. I would have seperated for a while, which she did, but there is NO WAY I would have left her. I was brought up where you stand by your partner and never abandon them. Like I said earlier, with this addiction, comes dishonesty. She is taking my addiction personally, like she could've prevented it. She doesn't understand that I am sick, I have an illnes. Who knows, maybe she does understand and she just doesn't love me anymore. Thanks for the post again..keep in touch.

ADAM