Hi all. I'm new here, but have been reading people's stories for awhile, so feel like I
know a lot of you. I thought I'd share my story with you as misery loves company.

My husband left me at the end of Nov.01. We would have been married for 23 years
this past July. He is involved with another woman, although they aren't living together
yet. I know they do EVERYTHING together, so they may as well be living together, but
I believe the reason for separate living spaces is their feeble attempt at pretending
that everything is above board. He is a Christian, as is she. So they say. Nothing about
this situation rings true to a Christian's faith as far as I can see but there you go..

The OW and her family (she has two children) and and my family were family friends about
5 years ago. They used to attend our church, but left 4-5 years ago. The OW kept
hanging around, supposedly for the sake of her son but I always suspected it was more
because of my husband. She and WH had been tennis buddies for awhile, which was
fine with me, but at some point years ago, my WH decided he wanted more. He wanted
it to be a 'get together for coffee, send multiple emails daily' kind of friendship. I was
extremely uncomfortable with this, and we had innumerable talks, discussions re.that
relationship. Twice over the course of two years he cut off communication with her
because he knew it bothered me, but then would reinstate it again. The third time
to reconnect was last Spring,2001, and at that point I had this sense that was the
final phase of our marriage. I was unbelievably unhappy, lost lots of weight, got depressed
couldn't sleep, et... My WH kept blaming me, saying I couldn't accept their 'friendship'
because of my insecurities, jelousies, nerousis, whatever.

To summarize, I kept putting up with his deciet and lies, because I really love him (
I know that now!) and kept trying to believe MAYBE it was all my problem. Thru all this
turmoil I grew very close to God again, and prayed daily for direction, guidance, acceptance
of the situation. I never could accept it, and EVERYONE I talked to essentially told me
to 'smell the roses'. I COULD NOT bring myself to kick him out if there was ANY possibility
that it was just my insecurities, but by last Fall I could hardly live with myself anymore
I felf so rejected and stressed. So, I finally gave him the ultimatum: OW or me. He left
about a month later and hasn't looked back since. Within a couple days of his leaving
me, she left her family. They still had the audacity to claim they were just friends going
through similar situations, thus supporting each other!!! I can't believe the man I love
and trusted for almost 25 years has that ability for deceit. I guess that's why I took
so long making a decision. His words and actions didn't fit who he'd been most of our
married life, and I kept expecting him to come out of the fog.

So, how do we stop loving someone we've invested most of our life into? I believe he
there is a decent man inside him somewhere .. am I just hoping for what was? What
could have been? Is the man I loved really gone for good? I know these are mostly
rhetorical questions, and no-one REALLY has specific answers, but I'd love to get any
input/wisdom anyone has gleaned thru their own black journey. Thanks.

I am going through the same thing. My H left me with 3 children for a ulgy drunk who is still married to her husband. She has no plans on leaving her husband. My H kept telling me they were just friends but would never leave her. That no matter what they were going to be friends well his no matter what is he lost his family. He lost the love and the respect of his children. Our two oldest ones don't even want to see him or be around him. I had an Afair due to this friendship and some past childhood rape isues. But it is his life. I have been married to this man 15 years. He thinks I am just going to put my head down low and walk away. HE IS NUTS I pray to God every night and every day. I am not going to let this woman ( using term lossly ) wreck my family God put my family together and he will put it back but if not I am still the winner. My children have seen how hard I try to work on my marriage and how hard he tries not to.I hope you can find peace. I am trying very hard too, there are a lot of nice people who can give advice and it helps that you have some one else to talk to.
Lori

Hi Natasha79, I no expert or anything just a person who's gone through and going through the pain and process. Many here do know how you feel it's very painful to be betrayed. It's apparent he meditated on this for some time. When they leave we are caught of gaurd because they were gone from the relationship years or months prior to D-day in a lot of cases. Problem is without them working on them and searching there fault they'll mostly do the same thing to the next person.

Your H and this OW being christians will eventually become a problem to each other because God is Love having an affair is Lust not Love, if they ever fall in Love thats when the guilt will really hit them because true Love represent honesty and truth, how will they ever arrive to that point? They both are living a lie and decieving each other.

Just keep praying and working on you. I know you feel like you been tossed aside as worthless but you have to realize they are moving backwards in life not forward, they are moving away from God not towards him.

Here is a link below that has some good info. It lets you know what the WS is thinking and struggling with as they're caught up in the affair.

http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb001/

SO hang in their, things do get better with time, rise up and be healed, stand up and face the challenge, you are a winner!!! No child of God shall ever be trampled under the feet of the deciever.

Job 20:

4 Knowest thou not this of old, since man was placed upon earth,
5 That the triumphing of the wicked is short, and the joy of the hypocrite but for a moment?

The affairs only last for a moment - how long is a moment? I don't know, but that thing will end one day...Look around on this site and you'll see the proof from other stories that the wickedness of an affair is short........Take care

Dear Natasha, I can understand exactly where you are and know how it feels to still love someone that has betrayed you so deeply. Everyone has to come to their own decisions regarding what to do and how much they can take. I have a lot of people telling me to get on with my life and divorce him, but I can't do that now. I know the man I used to know is still there somewhere and I won't give up hope yet. I am just trying to calm myself down and not push him. Trying to be his friend and not talk about our relationship or the OW. I have had so much stress lately and it isn't worth it to try to control everything. God is in control and all we can do is pray for them and keep ourselves strong. Knowing that we are doing what we should do, without regrets. And even if it ends dif. than we want it to, we will come out better, stronger people. It's funny how people are so quick to say-give up, you've been patient enough, even people who are christians. I can't give up so easily, I've been with my H. since I was 18yrs old and married 24 yrs-that's a lot to give up without trying. Even if it takes some time who am I to say he isn't worth it! He is to me. Hugs and prayers to you-listewn to yourself, not people who haven't gone thru this at all. DBD

Thanks so much to Lori, EC, and DBD! I appreciate all your thoughts and input. It helps
so much to know that others have gone thru the same thing, and to hear how you
each dealt with it. I will keep you all in my prayers, and keep up the good work!

It's really impossible for me to comprehend how our husbands can do this; I've tried and
tried to understand how someone can be so wrapped in the fog that they can't see
the truth, but I just can't get there. It seems to me one has to be willing to completely
remove oneself from reality to justify these sorts of actions. I find it amazing that none
of the WS's ever seem to be able to say "yes, what I'm doing is sin, but I feel compelled
to carry on this way". It's as tho they REALLY don't see the truth anymore. And how
otherwise honest people can become so blinded is a mystery to me.

I also agree that we have to abide by our own timetable. I know in my case many
people (including family members) thought I should have shown him the door years
ago but I just wasn't ready. Now that I KNOW how much deceit was involved and
have the advantage of hindsight, I sometimes wish I had ended it years ago as well,
but I didn't know then what I know now. I would never have forgiven myself if I had
kicked him out and then found out later it was all innocent...

So I guess we just carry on and do the best we can. I know we are all working towards
becoming better people, and that's certainly my aim. I know I'm already wiser,
stronger emotionally, have a much closer relationship with God, and know myself much
better than I did a few years ago. I know I have integrity, and pray that nothing will
ever make me lose that. I can see all of you are working on these issues, and I think
we will ALL have gained major self-respect if we can get through our indivitual night-
mares standing tall! And I also agree with you that WE are going to move forward
while the offenders are moving further back into their self-created hellholes. Thanks
again for the support!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">code:</font><hr /><pre style="font-size:x-small; font-family: monospace;"> [/code]</blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">code:</font><hr /><pre style="font-size:x-small; font-family: monospace;"> [/code]</blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

n79,

So, how do we stop loving someone we've invested most of our life into? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

That has been the question of the day !There are a number of posts on that just today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Welcome to MB. This site has been a God send for me and hopefully for you too.

He is a Christian, as is she. So they say. Nothing about

I found the book "When godly people do ungodly things" helpful.

I also agree that we have to abide by our own timetable. I know in my case many people (including family members) thought I should have shown him the door years ago but I just wasn't ready. Now that I KNOW how much deceit was involved

When I told my WH's brother recently, he wasi he wasn't surprised and that he was amazed I lasted so long ! At a family reunion this weekend a sister in law told me that I would know what to do that I had a strong R with God.

we will ALL have gained major self-respect if we can get through our indivitual night- mares standing tall! And I also agree with you that WE are going to move forward while the offenders are moving further back into their self-created hellholes.

very descriptive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless,

D.

PS: my wh claimed just friendship too

<small>[ August 02, 2002, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

The wayward spouses claim friendship. My WH - stbx still says we were friends, and as friends they decided to get to know each other more (physical sex) with each other. I told him will I guess I will get to know the next door neighbor guy, and say, we need to become physical to see our friendship grow.

As far as them not living together, everyone will see that they are both liars. Don't worry, the truth will come out, they will screw up, and the deceit will get to them. It may not be tomorrow, but it will come. God is watching these supposedly christian people, and the path of lies they are living. That is what my husband and the OW did. They both were supposedly christians, but while they were in the hotel screwing around, and kissing in public, and holding hands, and talking sexual talks, GOD SAW IT ALL!!!! They are the ones that have to live with betrayal, and deceit, and lies. As for my WH, the OW he got involved with this was for sure her 2nd physical affair. I feel if he wants a woman like this, let him go find one. I know that I was a good woman, a good wife, a good provider, and a good person. I don't have to say, well yeah, I did cheat on my husband, I know I am morally a good person too. That is one thing that he will never beable to say, and she will never beable to say that she was morally a good person since she has had 2 sexual affairs in her marriage of 28 years. God saw and they both will have to put a lot of effort into regaining God back in their life.

Friendship is a lie, big fat lie. My WH said, the e-mails were friendship talk, don't believe anything he says, they are both liars. Believe they are lovers in denial.

Thanks for the input.

WGTT - thanks for recommending that book; think I'll look it up and read it.

C2M - sorry to hear you've been thru the same thing! You're right - it's all about lies.
At some point they don't even seem capable of distinquishing the truth anymore. It
makes me so sad. I miss the person my WH used to be.

I've been really missing him tonight. There are SO MANY 'firsts' to get thru. On Monday
we'll (my 2 kids and I) be going camping with some friends; this is a tradition we've had
with them for at least 5 years. First time w/out WH. I know I'm going to miss him
terribly. Wish I could truly believe that the man I loved no longer exists. I've tried
telling myself that 'my' husband died, and the OW is with an imposter, but can't quite
get myself to believe that. Guess I'm not too good at self-deception! Anyways, thanks
for all the support - it sure helps.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hello. I would just like to say to all of you out there who have not given up on your marriages and keep hoping that the other will come to their senses, God bless. I am going through a separation and its tearing me apart. My H wants it. I have been blaming myself completely because i left for awhile...no other person was involved, i was just in another world and came to my senses...my H did not chase after me or call me (i was at my parents). I am reading these stories and would do anything to have my H take me back the way so many of you are willing to do. Its so nice to see you all wanting to try and not get the divorce...especially being the ones who are being left...i just wanted to tell you all that you are in my prayers...