Sometimes I don't think about it, but there are so many days that I wonder what he is doing, who he has met, etc. etc... How do you get past this!?!

Laura37,
I consciously shut my mind off to those thoughts. In the earlier days I OFTEN wondered
all that stuff about him, (in my case I wondered about 'them'), but it's such a torturous
path to take. The more you imagine, the worse you feel. So I've found that prayer will
often help - crying out to God to shut my mind off to him/them - and sometimes I'll
even try to shock myself by shouting out, STOP, NO, anything to stun you back into
reality. They are not worth it. It's a self-defeating, self-degrading, incredibly non-productive
practice. My friend once suggested to me that when she can't shake those thoughts,
she'd try to visualize something really beautiful, like a rose, or a sunset, whatever
works for you. For me tho, self talk works best; I just repeat over and over: I will not
think of them,I will not think of them... Anyways, hope this at least gives you some
ideas. Best wishes and prayers . Natasha79

Laura37,
I consciously shut my mind off to those thoughts. In the earlier days I OFTEN wondered
all that stuff about him, (in my case I wondered about 'them'), but it's such a torturous
path to take. The more you imagine, the worse you feel. So I've found that prayer will
often help - crying out to God to shut my mind off to him/them - and sometimes I'll
even try to shock myself by shouting out, STOP, NO, anything to stun you back into
reality. They are not worth it. It's a self-defeating, self-degrading, incredibly non-productive
practice. My friend once suggested to me that when she can't shake those thoughts,
she'd try to visualize something really beautiful, like a rose, or a sunset, whatever
works for you. For me tho, self talk works best; I just repeat over and over: I will not
think of them,I will not think of them... Anyways, hope this at least gives you some
ideas. Best wishes and prayers . Natasha79

Laura:

I find that if I immerse myself into my kids, that really works. When the kids go to bed, I try reading a good book or do some work or exercise. The more I think about STBXW the more anxiety I feel, so I try to avoid all conversation with her. The heart and mind will eventually heal, even though it may not seem so at the moment.

<small>[ August 01, 2002, 11:05 PM: Message edited by: betrayed_husband ]</small>

My husband moved out of state 5 weeks ago and is with OW while they work on their PhDs together in New York City. I think about him a lot, and also wonder if he's with HER at that moment... Lots of things to experience in the Big Apple. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I also don't call him on his cell phone AT ALL, cuz I can just imagine her right next to him, listening while I remind him I need $$ for house or to pass on info that was important enough for me to call. I told him why I wouldn't call him anymore, and if there was info he needed I'd just e-mail it to him.

But you're right, it's VERY hard to not think what we're all thinking. Right now, I have to make a conscious effort to change my thoughts and then I agree with Natasha, I just pray too. Then I go out and pull weeds from the flower beds to take out my frustration!

For me it's not my ex I wonder about but her's cause I don't trust him and I sincerely believe that one of these days very soon he is going to crap on her. It's not like he hasn't already but I know the other shoe has yet to drop and I know it will not be pleasnat for her.

231

i don't know, but when you find out can you tell me please. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks for all the input. Unfortunately, I have tried a lot of different things. I just don't even know why I wonder what he doing or if he has met someone yet, etc. We didn't get a long. Fought all the time (at least 75%). The split was a mutual thing and neither of us cheated. But it is still so very hard. Because even though we don't get along, we were married 10 years and together for 14. So of course there is still love. I guess that is why I wonder the things I wonder. It will hurt so much when he finally finds someone that he is compatible with. I just dread it. I hate thinking about it too. Thanks for letting me vent.

Laura - it is tough, for myself I have been married to my stbx for 24 years. Talk about the wondering what he is doing, was tough. But it is not as tough now. The results are seeing the unreasonable stuff that he is doing, causing us to have to go to court to settle on things, and the ballistic attitude he has shown to myself and the kids. My nick name is F*c*ing B*t*h, I hear it often, and some other descriptive words. This is not a man of kindness, protectiveness, caring, and love. This is a selfish man who has a screw loose. Yes, it would be nice to have the old person back, but, he is on his own path of self destruction.

Wondering what the stbx is doing, is nothing that will bring the good out in yourself. It destroys your inner thoughts, and face the facts, he made his bed, let him sleep in it. That is what my stbx has done, and he is digging his hole deeper and deeper. I can't stop him, the lawyers can't stop him, but maybe the judge will stop him.

Do things that you like, do things that are creative. I am cleaning this house up, getting rid of lots of material items, pricing the items for a big garage sale. I am looking at houses, and loooking at decorating the present house I am in. I have done many things to make the house look nicer, and have many to do yet. I would like to get a garage built, and I might. Will be one of the things in the settlement.

Look at you in the mirror, and say I am a good person, I know someone will like me and love me and look into my eyes with love. Let your stbx go, he is the wrong one who has sinned in Gods eyes, and he will pay for it sooner or later. The two of them, (your stbx and his lover) their union will not last. The chances of a couple who had an affair together, have very little chance of surviving a life together as husband and wife. They both need to let the other one go, and both need to search for someone else. Statistics show their union is insecure.

Do things with your family and friends. Join groups of interests to yourself. I am starting to do these things, cause STBX was not interested in really socializing. He is a hermit, and still is a hermit. He is the one who has to look in the mirror and face God with his adulterous life and sin and lies, which the lies are still continuing.

I agree with letting go, but please know that we did not cheat on each other. There was no other woman, nor did I have a "other man". I just wonder if he is moving on yet...meaning if he is liking someone new, etc. I need to let go of it and the weekends that I don't have my kids it is very hard. I only have one friend and she is married and her husband never really wants her to do anything with me. He likes me, but just not alone with his wife. Guess he doesn't trust her. So he always wants me to come over there, which leaves no alone "friend" time for us. So right now my weekends are VERY lonely. I live near Charlotte, NC. If anyone reads this and needs a new friend too, please post your email.

The best thing to do is to stay healthy, happy, and strong and know that they will eventually wonder about YOU.

You can't spend ten years with someone and just turn off the feelings.

I think it usually happens that unless one person is burning rubber out of the relationship, ie, there's another person involved or there was tons of abuse, then chances are they are feeling somewhat the same as you.

I bet he thinks of you often, and wonders who you are with.

Thanks EasyE, that made a lot of sense and makes me feel a little better. By the way, I love your quote!

Laura - are you sure there was no hankypanky going on in your marriage? Was there something, a sign or something that might have been a sign. Just to go off with another woman and change his life this dramatic, seems unreasonable. That is why I would really look back at your past and really search through your mind of an affair.

If not, he might be hitting his early mid-life crisis. You have to look at yourself with a mindset that you are the most important person, otherwise, you won't beable to be there for others. I finally got that through my head in the last few weeks. If I don't consider myself the most important, then I can't be there for my kids.

I am sorry you are going through this mess, it is a disaster for you, and I feel your pain. But remember there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I finally am starting to see the light, it is very dim, but I finally am seeing a glimpse of the brightness ahead. You can too, and I will put a prayer in for you tonight, good night.

No, and maybe I didn't make myself clear. I am not saying he is with someone now....I just wonder about it. Our separation was a mutual separation. We were both at the point of arguing all the time and it just wasn't good anymore. I am the one who actually made the move to leave. But it doesn't mean that I don't still feel love for him. We just are compatible at ALL! He NEVER cheated on me and I NEVER cheated on him. I just have a hard time thinking of him ever being with someone else. Don't know why, because i KNOW that WE don't work together. Now...do you understand now. Sorry that I wasn't more clear to start with. Actually as far as I TRULY know, he hasn't dated anyone yet...but I am sure he is looking around...he hates to be alone.... as most of us do.

Hi,

It just takes time. it has been nearly 4 years since my ex left me, 2 years since my divorce and this summer was the first time that I began to feel at peace about my life, my loss and calm about my future.

So, the only way to get through the wondering or sometimes obsessing (which is what I did in my case) is to just go through it. Keep a journal, pray and be sure to keep yourself busy with friends and family. Exercise to keep those endorphins flowing thru your body because it is also good for the mind.

The more positive you are to yourself, the more positive you will feel about yourself and your life. And in time, before you even realize it, he will be a distant memory. You will have filled your life with new people, new memories and you will hardly think of him at all.

For the time being, give yourself time to cry or feel whatever it is you feel.

There is no way around it, you just have to get through it.

Peace to you,

Jtois