I've been married for 13 long years,not 11 as previously stated,really hard to do math on D-day.
It's been 14 days since D-day.I've made my decision.I'm filing for divorce.I know that after she told me she "commited" to another men and he basically moved in with her and the kids I could never trust her again.Some may say it's a decision based on anger. I know what I feel.
The desperation week has gone,I can eat,sleep and make ocasional jokes at work again.I couldn't for a whole week.Now I could kinnda step back and look behind at what our marriage has become over the last..well.. many years,verbal aruments with ocasional times of joy and hapiness .I was stressed from working hard to provide for my familly,she expected me to come home and be"like new".Yes ,we dicussed it..but...the EN weren't there for any of us,only LB's.
I know logically,knowing myself that I couldn't trust her again.I need the divorce papers to have a financial stabillity and a clear picture in order to move on.I'm 36 years old,I don't have anything saved(she spent all of the available money during our marriage),I live in a rented place and she's still trying to play me for more then what we agreed at separation time,she tricked me into getting her a car while she was with the OM,into getting a bank loan to cover all debts,she still won't admit for how long they were in contact...I just can't live like this.She agreed to the divorce-verbally,we'll see when the time comes to actually file together,sometime next week after I talk to a lawyer,but still want me to take care of her daily finances,to help her with her computer..basically to be the man that takes care of the "day to day life" just so she could have fun and discover real love with the OM,which they do .
I know that we should've have broken the news to the kids together,no..she wouldn't go for that.Instead I have my older son over for this weekend and I broke the news to him,while she is doing the same with the younger one.They're 10 and 12 .He took it fairly well given the circumstances,played brave..we talked for about an hour,I didn't blame her ,I tried to make him understand that we will both be there for him in the future..nothing more I could do...I don't want to hurt the kids even more.They've been enough hurt in the last year or so with our constant arguments over money and spending.
So yes,I know myself,even if in the future she would want to come back,there's been too much blood between us,I will always have the rememberance of HOW she broke the news to me,the fact that she didn't have the courage to look me in my face and tell me before commiting...the fact that she wasn't honest.How could I ever trust her?
I know I've made the right decision and It will take me months and months to get over this as much as humanly possible.I don't ever in my life want to feel like I did in the first 5 days after D-day.
She always said during out marriage that that's who she is and she will never change,well,she never did,she wants to be taken as is,just to have all of her EN fulfilled,while the SO has to fulfill those and deal with the life's minor annoyances,like managing the money,bills,taking care of the kids,think about retirement...
I know I could never trust her again,I know what I did wrong and I know I'll never make the same mistakes,I know that at some point in the future-years down the road-I'm gonna find somebody worth my love.I also know she's still in "The Fog ".
Then why the sadness,why the sorrow,why the grief ?

Because you are suffering through the death of your hopes, dreams, family...your marriage. It's a real pain...a real physical loss. And it seems to be more painful if you have children involved because your hurt is echoed in them.

Have you considered counseling? A good counselor can help you get through this trying period.

Ditto with everything franklymydears said.

A lot of times we BS's are in a 'fog' of our own and do not want to beleive that the person that we thought we married is gone or may have never been the person we beleived they were, and thus keep on hoping that they, the WS's, open their eyes when it is we, the BS's, that need to open our eyes to the truth.

Don't be surprised if after you are divorced, she tries to tell you that she wants you back. It happens enough that it can be a problem if you started to move on with your life and the last thing you expected was her wanting to return. It happened to me a year after my divorced from my mutliple affair loving xWW and it had to do with the fact that I had just started a serious relationship with another woman and she finally realized that I had indeed moved on with my life and was panicky that her last hope of regaining me was threatened by the new lady in my life. Fortunately for me, I had no more love and desire, YUCK!, to get back with my xWW and made this very clear to her. She still tries to tell me she's sorry for hurting me and our daughters and wants to make it up by coming back in our lives, but my response to her is still a smile accompanied with a 'sorry, no longer interested' and walk away.

From my experience, individual counseling opened my eyes that I was a human beign worthy of a better relationship than the diseased one I was in. I beleive the same with you.

Mike - the sadness is loss of the one you committed your soul to at the altar, she was the one you two created beautiful children together, she was the one that you told secrets to, laughted with, cried with, made money together with, budgeted together, etc. This was your soulmate, your exclusive person that you looked to for comfort, hapiness, sex, doing things together. This is now broken, by another wayward spouse foggy situation in their head. They see no remorse or guilt about their actions. That is why it hurts even more. I am dealing with my WH - stbx feeling no remorse or guilt. This is worse then death. At least death has a final, an ending, a picutre. You have no picture - there are so many questions ahead. But the wayward spouse doesn't see it that way. They live for the moment, the euphoria, the secrets, the lies, the deceit. Once a liar, always a liar. My WH is still lieing to me regularly. It hurts, but I finally have decided to ignore him and move on. He will get his repentence in the end. This man has been so deceitful to me and the kids.

Anyways, going off track. The hurt is there, you have to move on, and if she were to come back, you would have to make a honest, heart producing feeling on her words and actions. I don't think I will ever take my WH back. He has demonstrated over the last 2 years, a ballistic man, a distrustful man, a liar, a man that is selfish and conceited. Also, he feels no remorse or guilt. So you would have to consider, can I ever trust this person again, they did it once, what says they won't do it again. I hate to tell you this, but the statistics show, that once someone has had a sexual affair in their marriage, their chances of having another are greater than those of us who have been moral to our spouses.

Good luck, hope you find peace, it will come, but your is relatively fresh, and the pain is so severe. Most wayward spouses don't know how it feels, they just think divorce, and move on. Wish it were that simple.

Thanks you guys/gals.I kinnda figured out this.Sometimes though it really helps to hear it from people who have been in the same boat with you.It's good to hear that people have moved on and in the end there's proof that it all works out,one way or the other .Even though I knew this it's good to hear it again.
I don't think I really need counseling,instead I took somebody's advice from here(I think) and found a really good friend I can talk to.I know I couldn't fall in love with her because she's not my type(physically) and she's been through this before.It does help a lot to be brought with your feet on the ground every so often,and to actually see people who have moved on,to hear that you're not just somebody else's trash,to be envied for your outside calm and dealing of the situation.This forum has been a huge deal,words can't say enough,I'm so lucky I found it.I really don't know how I would've gotten over without the help from here.
I know I'm not at the end of the road,I know I'm barely making the first few steps on the road to recovery,but I'm relieved that help is here and sure thing makes everything way more easier to deal with.