My sister recently told me about this site and I guess I need to use it. She says everyone is very supportive and helpful. I am having a difficult time letting of my ex wife (divorced April 2002 - seperated May of 2001) I started the seperation process because after I tried many-many ways to resolve her lack of interest in any form of intamacy. It was utterly heart breaking for me. She pushed the divorce process through after I wouldnt let her move back in in the fall of 2001 because she still wasnt interested in any concrete form of problem soloving for our relationship. We were married for seven years and together for 12. No infidelity that I know of but she was emotionally unavailable to me almost the whole time. I belieive she was raped or abused at some point but she denies it. She is still unavailable to me (wont even communicate at this point) but she has told me and others that we are on a break right now. I feel used and thrown away and left hanging. I know if I let go, it wouldnt be that big of a deal to her...so why not just let go? I was doing well up until a few months ago when the anger and disapointment I felt was diminshing in strength and the feelings of love that I have always had for her began to return. This is the only woman I ever wanted to be marreid to and I still love her deeply. I know deep in my heart she will really never be there for me-never has. I deal with abandonment issues from childhood and my (inner child) doesnt want to let go...I guess because I couldnt solve my parents issues then so that old (inner child) wants to do it now. I conciously know its a waste of time to hold on but that inner voice keeps telling me to just hold on another months..you never know about the 1/2 a percent chance that she might come back and change her mind and approach to the relationship. Alot of it boils down to my self image and worth...I am working on that. Please share your thoughts and I would appreciate prayers on strength for the (let go) D-Day.

Dear BSM64,

I am kind of taking a break for a minute from painting my bedroom....but I wanted to just let you know I was thinking about you.

The best thing you can do right now is a Plan A for yourself. You need to like yourself and be strong in yourself even if nothing changes with your wife. Please read about Plan A and Plan B here--it offers so much wonderful advice on how to become a better you. There is no guarantees that it will bring back your wife...but you will become a much better, more confident, loving person.

This site has much to offer--it has been my lifesavor over the last 18 months. Read all you can. There are many wonderful, wise people here that can help you. Take Care Pat

This is so hard, I did the same as you, wanting my soon to be X in my life after his sexual affair. I tried, worked with the marriage builders counseling, became a doormat, and became a person who I didn't like. I wanted my emotional needs met, but WH didn't want to meet them. He stated here many times on the boards, that he didn't want to meet my needs. Even during my fathers illness and death, he was distant. He has not once gone back to my dads grave to pray. My dad just died 6 months ago.

You have to come to the point that this person you loved is not the same person. These people will probably never be the same person you met years ago. This person will try to turn things around and make you look bad, maybe because of their dissapointment in themselves. I am seeing a lot of that right now. Yes, my Wayward Spouse (stbx husband) was abandoned as a child by his father. He complains repeadedly about how his mother was not really there, she was a very young motther with 2 boys, and the father was gone, and she was trying to support both boths by herself. The courts were not like they are today on seeking help from the fathers. She raised them by herself, and my stbx can't even give her credit for that. They could of been in orphanages, but stbx doesn't see she did the best she could with her income, and age.

Abandonement is hard, I felt I was emotionally abandoned by my mother, but I have forgiven her, and we are becoming better at our relationship. I don't think my WH will ever give his mother credit. He doesn't even talk or write to his brother. He is so into himself, and being a hermit. I married this man for family, he used to love his family, now he doesn't care. It is so hard to deal with. My kids feel abandoned in a way. Especially cause the oldest who is 23 got everything and still gets a lot from her father. Now the 2 in college are out on their own. Father doesn't want to give me money to feed the two in college, they live at home to conserve on room and board. We live about 1/2 hour from University of Michigan. He tells them, they have to pay for their own education. He tells them to find their own clothes, and etc. The oldest he still is giving her money to buy groceries, and pay for her truck payment and her apartment payment. Makes sense to him , but not to me, and to the 2 college kids.

Also, youngest is having to not have guests over as much, cause I told him I can't afford it. Father is not making sure that I have money and I have to be careful with what we eat.