How in the world do you handle your WH - stbx with name calling. I realize my nickname now is F*c*ing B*t*h, and today he told me to go [censored] myself. Why do they (he is a male) was SadNLonely on this board for many many months, go so low to call the one they loved these names. You could ask SNL and ask him how many times I have called him names. I know going through First STep, cause he physically abused me twice now, this is part of the control issues. He is losing control of me, and I am no longer listening to him. No need to, cause I don't trust this man anymore. He is still lieing to me, and to the kids. Spoke to my lawyer about the lies, and he has told WH lawyer many times, to have him control himself, not call me names, but he doesn't get the picture. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Why can't a controller control his mouth, be respectful and lets just get this divorce over with. I really can't wait till I am no longer Mrs. B****s. He doesn't realize this hurts deep inside, but I can't take this name calling much more. Yeah, he is suppose to be a christian, but a christian doesn't treat another in this manner. You would want to treat others like you would want to be treated.

This is so hard, I hate his name calling. I hate the anger on his face, his body language, and I hate him turning things around. This is so unnecessary, and so unproductive. What can I do to not let this name calling hurt me? I am trying, but deep inside he is killing my self-esteem. I get better, and then he kills any progress I made. You guys don't realize this happens so often, I had to ask him to leave tonight, because of the way he was conducting the conversation, and as he was leaving, he got more angry and out flew my nickname.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cry2much:
<strong>What can I do to not let this name calling hurt me? I am trying, but deep inside he is killing my self-esteem. I get better, and then he kills any progress I made. You guys don't realize this happens so often, I had to ask him to leave tonight, because of the way he was conducting the conversation, and as he was leaving, he got more angry and out flew my nickname.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why on earth do you want to own the "nickname". NEVER refer to it as yours, for starters! This nickname is HIS - all about him and nothing to do with you. His hatred is about him. Nothing to do with you. You didn't cause his hatred. That was caused by a warped part of his soul that you couldn't touch, no matter how much you love him. That's between him and God. And if he won't let God heal that part of him (caused by his willful separation from God), then it obviously means that this is his choice - his act of will - to live a hate-filled, miserable life.

These are HIS choices. Not yours. But as for you and your life - you do have choices. First you can choose to remember that his raging isn't about you. You can't stop him from trying to throw filth on you. But as long as you remember that HE is the source of the filth flying at you - not YOU, then you can safely step out of the way.

Second, work with a counselor to come to terms with why you would ever - even subconsciously own a filthy nickname, just because he says it's yours. Your words tell it all... "my nickname".

Now for the hard part. Coming to terms with the angry, wounded part of you that will not let God heal you - instead, you prefer to own filthy nicknames that another wounded beast would try to stick on you. Go to your minister - go to your knees and plead with your Maker to be healed - that part of your soul that wants to hurt. That CHOOSES to hurt. Once you have healed that part of you, nothing your STBXH will say could possibly cause you any more pain than seeing someone inflict pain upon themselves and demean and debase themselves would cause - you will be able to feel compassion for the beast instead of personalizing his rage.

Protect yourself.

Get a mini tape recorder...
...and record the abusive language.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

I went to First step today, and she told me the same. This is not your nickname, it is abusive controlling behavior. This name you wouldn't want to place on your worst enemy. I am now trying to get the FB name out of my head, and say it is his filthy language, not the language of someone who cares about his family, which you can see he is definitely out on a limb on that one. I will try to say, whatever, when he calls me those names, and inside tell God please help this poor soul. Help him to overcome his controlling behavior, and to let him be a decent man.

I thought of recording the calling names, might do that as well. So much to do, and he just sits on his butt, computer, table etc. and does whatever he wants. The betrayed spouse really gets the rotten end of the deal. I have to protect myself, my finances, my soul, my body, my kids, my thoughts. This man has gone so far as to go against the judges orders, and he still says he didn't do anything wrong. Well, we will see at court.

Name calling shows a person who is childish, and putting on a temper tantrum. Would like to say back, something rude, but it is not worth it. So I just ask him to leave. Of course when I ask him to leave, the foul langauge comes out strong.

Thanks for your advice, did any of you experience this rudeness in your marriage? Sure is awful, and wish the WS could see the hurt he is placing on the person he is name calling.

Cry2Much,

I experienced much the same you are. Name calling(FB was one of his favorites as well as the "c" word) tantrum throwing, denial of all guilt, on and on.

It's not you and you know it. You sound much stronger these days and you're doing good, don't take the STBX's words to heart, he's screwed up right now.

But, you don't have to take that sort of abuse. He calls names, show him the door, calmly. If he retaliated by getting nasty, walk away. He's acting like a [censored] and you don't have to listen to it.

That is exactly what the counselor said. I don't have to take this mental, verbal abuse any more. Let him throw out the filthy, dirty words. It is him that is making an ugly scene, not me. So like you said, I tell him to leave, and if he doesn't leave, I walk out the door. Same as on the phone, he cannot tell me that I am doing something wrong when he does the same. I say, you did it, why can't I, etc. Well, today, I said, I guess I am as weak as you are in that area. Also, the phone conversations are pretty much yes, no, etc, on my part. No need or want to talk to him anymore. I am actually afraid to talk to him for fear he will get violent and ballistic. This person (SNL) as you all remember him, is one messed up man, that is in need of psychological help. But he says he is fine the way he is. Good for him, at least I and the kids don't have to deal with him now. He can go on his merry way to the whore in his life, or to whomever he wants, that is what he wanted in the first place, now he has it without us in his life.

I just don't understand why he has to use the filthy words, it is so crude. But like stated, it is control and manipulation. Wish God would zip the mouths shut of these dirty mouths. That would keep them quiet.

Nduli - I am much more stronger than before. I am getting stronger baby steps by baby steps. Yes, you all told me I would get stronger, didn't believe it, but now I can face him and not feel like I did before. It is nice to have the house getting in shape, and getting his stuff put in boxes and marked with his name on the stuff. I am enjoying listening to music at night with the light off and just laying on the couch and soaking in the rhythm of the beat. SNL was never one into music, and enjoying the music totally, with no fear that he will drive in or tell me to turn the music down or off. Simply control, he knows when he dated me that music was important to me, but he didn't care. I think he liked and loved me for me, but now that he has tired of me and found his whore to be his soulmate, he didn't want to have the music around. He made it abundantly clear to all of us, music irrated him. Wish he would of been radically honest from the beginning.

I am taking his pictures off the wall, let him have them, and taking things off the shelves that are his. He can do with them whatever he wants to do with them. I will keep our wedding pictures for awhile. Will probably burn them one day. But for now will keep them. SNL will probably lose them, or accidentally get them messed up with water or something. I am coming to a closure of him being someone I used to love, and care about deeply, to someone that is the father of my children. I don't consider him #1 in my life anymore, I know he will always be the father of my children, but I now don't have to consider him in dealing with life, vacations, etc. Already, I am planning a vacation out east, and the kids seem to be pretty interested in going out there. We will drive, and enjoy the beach, and swimming in the pool. Want to find a hotel with an indoor pool. This will be a vacation planned together by the kids. With SNL, he didn't plan with the kids, just stated this is what we are going to do, and that was it. I want to enjoy everything, and enjoy being with my children. I love these kids so much, and am going to get actively involed in the Symphony band that my son is part of in High School. I wasn't able to attend before, cause SNL would curtail my wants, and say you have to answer the phone, or do this or that. Now I can do it with the feeling of I am really going to be there for my son. Next year at band camp, I have already been asked if I will chaperone next year, I said yes on Saturday. They are going to have me chaperone the kids. I am looking forward to it, and looking forward to meeting more parents, and being an active mom for my son.

Yes, growth comes, even though we betrayed spouses don't see it coming, it will come. Yes, medication helps, and I am still on 100mg of zoloft. Tried getting off, but went into a bad panic attack. I will get off sometime in the future, but I know for now unable to, body is not ready. I am seeing some results with physical thereapy for my back that SNL injured twice. Like they said, is going to take 6months to a year to heal. Has already been since last week of April, and am starting to see some results. My neck I am able to turn more to the right now. Not all the way, but I still am getting spasms in my back.

SNL doesn't ask how I am doing, just living in his own world. As far as he stating here on MB about taking care of me financially and emotionally, was all a pack of lies. Financiallly has made it clear, he does not want to pay alimony, is fighting the division, doesn't want to pay for my medical bills, medical expenses, life insurance, opened his own banking account, and did other things against the judges order. I wish SNL would of been cooperative and been respectable, I really don't want to see him get put down by the judge, but I can't do anything about it. He says he will do things his way and his way only. I didn't marry a man like this, I married a man that would think reasonably, not irrationally. This man is a man of lies, deceit, betrayal, and uncaring towards his family. His mother is having a hard time, and he doesn't see where he is causing her to get more depressed. I talked to her twice today, cause she is getting so low. Her cat is quite ill, and this is causing her to go down emotionally. I am taking her to the hospital for outpatient surgery next week, and I believe SNL doesn't know anything. He doesn't ask, doesn't care, doesn't want to be bothered. So SAD, so SAD!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />