Where do I begin? 20 years of marriage to an abuser -- finally have the courage to leave, he is removed out of the house and I have a restraining order. Two of the 3 children are with him (he's given them car, money, no boundaries)..the little one with me and doing well (honor roll, lots of friends, great communication). Two older ones in trouble--drugs, smoking, failing school, no communication. The XH sleeping around, taking me to court excessively, doesn't pay child support/alimony ...to the point where I am evicted.

Me...no full-time work. Was a stay at home mom. No one hiring someone with NO experience (yes..and have done the classes for resume, interviews etc.)

At what point does all the pain end? At what point do the courts finally listen to all the lies and call him on it? (he's bought a quarter-million-dollar house but claimed he was experiencing undue financial hardship). I don't have a lawyer -- the one I did have signed court orders that were incorrect (have the transcripts to prove it).

I'm just tired of all the pain. I'm tired of fighting to continue to tell the truth when lies are what is rewarded in the world. I'm tired of struggling from day to day with a part-time job. I'm tired of seeing HIM get ahead when I also worked hard beside him with all his business endeavors. Please....any words of wisdom would be very welcome. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Alright....maybe it's not THAT bad. I just went back to read my past posts... You know a year ago I was doing OK. Today...I'm in a downer. Yes, I don't have a home, but I do have my health and my child. My oldest child is coming around -- seeing what really has happened.

Maybe it's because a week from today I am back in court for the 43rd (yes FORTY THIRD!!) time. I'm tired of all of it. I just want it to end. I've begged God...I've asked God...I've had faith, but obviously not enough because it's not ending.

So many issues to go into -- and bottom line is *Was it worth it to leave an abusive relationship?* Today, I would say no....but so many other moments in my life scream *YES IT WAS WORTH IT! --No more does he come in the house telling me I'm worthless and stupid etc...etc... oh so many things.

I just want the abuse of the court system to end...I want my kids to see the *true* person he is. I have a hard time understanding how they gravitated to a person who abuses them when all along they would hide behind me and ask that I protect them. *sigh*

Good to be back in a supportive environment...

It sounds like you still have many issues to resolve. Have you talked with an individual counselor? Your local women's crisis center should provide free or low cost counseling, and they are acutely aware of the effects of abuse.
Get help.

Sure! I've been in counselling for three years. How does one deal with an ex who is bent on destruction? There is nothing I can do other than act on my behalf. Can't make him *stop* telling the kids lies. Can't *make* him stop erasing messages from the phone when I call...and I can't *make* him give the messages to the kids when I do call. I can't *make* him give me child support willingly, but I *can* go to the lawyer and file contempt of court charges.

Counselling (abuse) has helped, but it doesn't stop the actions of an evil person. I had to move out of the city I lived in because I had an ex who was very *friendly* with the local enforcement. He would break into the house ex, I would call the police and they would tell me that *he didn't mean it, let it go* -- yep...and yes, counselling couldn't *help* with that.

Maybe what I am looking for and not getting is concrete *ideas* on how to protect one self when local enforcement doesn't. How does one maintain a relationship with their kids when you are dealing with a vindictive ex-spouse? So far, NO counsellor (yes...even shelter counselling) has NOT been able to help me with those questions. I thought perhaps someone on the board might have the same issues and some concrete ideas on how to handle basically what I call *evil* and *satanic*. Thanks for your post though!

Elan: My advice to you is to stop thinking of your ex as a reasonable person and yourself as a victim. It's time to focus on survival. Your situation is horrible, but you are not alone or will you be the last to go through this. It is time now to tap into resources that are out there to help you. If you have no current job experience, go see your state's Department of Labor...yes, there is free training for indivduals without maketable skills. The less money you have, the more programs are out there to help you get out of this rut. Fight back. Your ex has to be child support...contact the court and tell them you want his wages garnished. In NJ you can go to jail for not paying your child support.

I was married to an abuser, who told the kids lies upon lies. He tried to kick me out of my home, I had to get a restraining order, he has tried every trick in the book to see that I would crumble...but I didn't. Every obstacle he would throw at me...I would overcome it. It has been a long strenuous road. I have two boys who fortunately don't take drugs, but have given me more headaches than I care to think about. Objectively, I know that they had years of conditioning...and they often will treat me with the same disrespect. I had no choice but develop a "toughlove" attitude and though things are still far from being perfect, I'm getting through it.

You are much better on your own than being in an abusive relationship...beleive me it drags the entire family down. Stand up for yourself...just because you were a stay at home Mom doesn't make you unemployable. There are opportunities out there for you to go to school or get some kind of training, so you can be self-sufficient.

Thanks Happy Mac...

I hear what you are saying....there are so much I want to say on here and then say *but*. I live in Canada, so the rules are slightly different. I am not the only one I realize, but getting some ideas on how to get around this is my biggest problem.

I *have* taken advantage of those programs and classes. I have gone back to school and obtained a degree -- however after over 200 resumes the bottom line is *you don't have experience* -- thus I volunteer to gain that *experience* they are looking for. Again..it's a time thing. I'm just tired of facing all these walls when he is being rewarded for every lie and illegal thing that he does. Again.....time...what goes around, comes around.

You're right...I shouldn't complain.

sorry guys....that sounded pretty pathetic.

I hear what you are saying. Thanks for responding.

Elan,

I's ok to complain. Especially here.

It's hard to know the whys of a situation, and often God doesn't let us know the whys.

He does however want us to ask how - how do we use what we're given in any particular situation.

Does it sound too trite to say give it all to God? Have Him give your strength in your suffering.

It seems as if there should be a lawyer outthere somewhere who could help you. Don't they offer free consultations there in Canada?

You need to document these things, which you probably already are - get a tape recorder for your phone(although check with the local laws first) so you can start to gather evidence - even tape your calls to your kids so that there will be a record. Get phone company records if you can too.

I'd video tape as much as I can also.

You need to protect yourself as best you can.

There is a book called Joint Custody With a Jerk that may help address some of the parenting issues that you face.

I really wish there was some magic wand I could wave, but in lieu of a magic wand, I'll say some prayers.

May God Bless You and Your family, K