Hi everybody.
It's been 15 days since D-day.
I have my older son(12 yrs old) over for the long weekend,till the end of today.Yesterday,after I told him about the divorce and that there is no turning back he said seriously that he wants to move in with me.
This blew me away.Not that I can't take care of him,them(the younger one is 10)..but...I know that the younger one loves his mom a lot...I also know that it's not a good thing to separate kids and my stbx thinks I can't take care of them and she will never go for it,she needs the child support money to live month to month just to look at the practical side of things,not mentioning that she does love them both a lot.Right now she's in the fog so whatever I do or say it will be percepted as hostile and just to "get back at her"..like I would put the kids in the middle on purpose!!!
I told my son that I think him and his brother should be together,that I love them both the same..and that we can't make now a decision ,that if we decide that they want to be with me they're welcome and we can make arrangements,but now they're on the summer vacation and I can't let them stay by themselves from 6:45AM till 4:30 PM for safety reasons.
I also know that everything is so new now that they're both trying to hang on to the parent that seems more with it's feet on the ground..that would be me..afterall she brought the OM on OUR home while lying to them-it's just a friend..he sleeps here because his apartment is under renovation...yeah right..like kids are stupid...I know it's just the fog.I also now that the kids do love her and don't want down the road to be perceived as the one that broke their relationship.I also know that she will not agree to let the kids talk to a counselor..she went psycho when kids talked with their scholl-counselor about the problems we had at home,between me and her that is,about 6 months ago.
Did any of you went through this?How do you tell a 12 & 10 yrs old that you want them to be with you but their mom will never go for it?You can't tell them the gore details,at least I don't think so..never been through this before...and I can't afford to fight with her...neither emotionally,nor financially .

Hi Mike, I'm so sorry for your situation and especially for your dear boys. It is so unfair that they are hurt by all of this, it is true, but the most important thing for you to consider is what is in their best interest.

Quite frankly, I don't see why you can't receive at least joint if not full custody of the kids. I take your wife is a SAHW. She would receive alimony from you when the divorce goes through. So she will be ok. She might need to get a job. That is not the end of the world. (And I'm a SAHM) You can make provisions for the boys for after-school. Sure, it may not be ideal, but then we're talking divorce, so you're looking at minimal impact and what is BEST for the boys. They seem to sense the security and strength they get from you, and perhaps even the "wrongness" of what their mom is doing. Having a strange man move in is no security for the kids! Depending on what state you're in, the courts may lean one way of more center when it comes to deciding custody. I think you should seriously consider whether or not you could work out taking the boys, even with your work schedule. Mom is in the fog, paying attention only to HER needs (hence the selfishness of the A) and this can't be good for the boys. While her relationship with OM develops, or ends, or whatever, she will give little if any security to the boys. Her life will be topsy-turvy and that is something the boys will sense and feel. You seem much more on solid ground, despite the hurt you surely feel.

What do you think?

Also, WW if dead wrong on the counseling for the boys. I would look into it. Check with your pastor. They at least need someone to talk to so they can make sense of their emotions to all this change.

Good luck, and all the best to you and your boys.

Mike,
You can do it, I have. My kids were 12 and 8 when my x decided to leave. Its been 3 yrs since she left and I haven't lost them or starved them.

In fact they have had more problems at x's house when she was married(she left 8yo alone sleeping in car at mall in poor section of town, son confided to me that he and x's neighbor's son were looking at pornography on the internet, son and friend got stuck in attic last summer when ladder fell and no one was home.They jumped down).

I was lucky though in that she didn't want to take the kids or the house so I never had to face that battle. I also work from home about 2 days per week.

The first thing I did was go out and buy a cell phone. That way the kids can call me at anytime. Then I explained that they were going to have to start taking care of themselves.

I made sure that they had food they could prepare themselves and left money so they could order a pizza.

I won't say my x didn't love the kids, she just doesn't want the responsibility. The kids need a stable home, can you give that better than their mother with her in fog and an om living there?

I had many battles with my then w and her live in om and the kids staying there when he was there. She kept saying they were getting married and eventually did.

I say go for the custodial parent role. Don't be regulated to a part-time parent. Let the om support her, that is what she wants. Let him supply all her EN's and this can possibly cause the fog to lift.

Hang in!

Hi asgoodasitgets

She's not a sahw,she has a job,it's at home though
and it doesn't pay that much,that's why she wouldn't balance her budget without alimony and the money for kids.
I thought also about taking care myself of the kids and it's workable,hard but I could do it.I don't think she would go for that,but I'll try.
Joint custody is something we discussed about and,at least in words she's for it,we'll see how it goes when the moment of truth comes,actually filing together,comes.Needless to say I can't trust anything she's saying right now,after how I've been played.I'll talk to the lawyer sometime this week.
You are so right about the way she behaves it's scary,the kid let a few things sliping through,but really in all honesty it's not much of a change looking back at the last 2 years.I guess I was too blind and caught in everything to see the signs.
It doesn't matter now,when it comes to kids I'll do my best and I'll work it out somehow.At least now I can finally be myslef,without being caught in daily fights and dealing with financial mess I didn't create.
It is sad though,everything ,and I wouldn't wish it on anybody,but..hey..life goes on and so should we.
Thanks for the insight,it makes me feel way sure of what I know I have to do.I'll be here around for quite a while.

Mike,
I got my son into counseling right away. I took him to my counselor and she talked to him 2-3 times and she said he was handling everything well.

My then w got my d into another counselor and the only thing they told me was that my d(12yo) had problems with her mother and she needed to work them out. I got no other input from her. She was too professional for me.

Don't worry about the w, after all she is doing what she thinks is best for her, why can't you do what is best for the kids?

My son saw right thru the friend/room mate/boyfriend. He told the counselor that his mother was going to marry the room mate er, boyfriend.

Hang in!

Thanks RWD
It is a big relief hearing that us,man can do it.I know it's a hard road and don't want to hurt the kids,but finally I can make a plan and keep to it.See how it will go.I'm trying to avoid any legal fights if possible,as I said,I'll meet a lawyer and see how it goes .
However it will turn out,I'll make sure that the kids are OK in the short term and work on plans for the future.

I didnt have to tell our 13 yr old about MOW. H told us both together that he was leaving home to be with another mans wife. we were just sitting there both crying it didnt brother X. now X wants this women to be part of son's life. 13 yr old said Hell No. Son is now hearing this woman is now just a friend/girlfriend. x has tried hard to blame me for D. X must think we are both stupid & cant remember last summer speach about why he was leaving. our son saw & heard everything. your children are old enough to talk to, be honest tell them how you feel without putting W down. after seeing MOW H care for 3 small boys I now feel that some dads should get custody. MOW spent her nights with my h. she should have been home caring for her kids. with our D-papers blaming her for our breakup, OW agreed to give H 2 weeks a month with his children & only $200 child support.how can this woman who didnt care about her own kids take care of our son. x promised us the world to leave, then MOW wanted more & x took from us. X wanted son college money that was in son name since birth. the courts gave it to him. 3 days later x buys ow a new car. dont expect the courts to be fair, I was honest in court while X lied, he left us with nothing. I still feel like I won that day, I came home with a son that trusts me & loves me. son never talks about dad at home or with friends. One day maybe he will forgive dad.

m-17 yrs 9 months
h-42 w-48
c-13, 28, 7 gd
d-5-23-02

ow-30
c-3 under 10
m-11 yrs
d-july 2002

Hi,

I am sorry for the pain your family is going through. I had to deal with 3 children under the age of 4 but I have always said that honesty is th best policy.

If you are level headed and tell them the truth, you teach them important lessons that will never be forgotten.

Keep your eye on the prize, your kids and fight for what is right for them and don't start out from the premise that your soon to be ex will never agree. yes, you have an uphill battle but get good legal counsel before you count custody out.

Your children's opinions should begin to count now. You and the kids can still be a family...and maybe you are the one who can best provide for them right now.

Good luck, you are in my prayers

My son's (8 yo) biggest question was where was he going to live. I think he feared we would be homeless. My d's was would she have to testify at the divorce hearing.

My kids were young so I had to cope with sleepwalking and crying out in the middle of the night for their father.

My oldest was 4 at the time and had nightmares about bombs exploding and the world ending, cars and trucks were in pieces, volcanos were erupting...very violent and apocalyptic imagery. Right around the time my ex moved out, my children had seen an episode on "Wishbone" about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. My oldest one day blurted out that he thought his Dad was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!

The kids also wanted another man to move into our house...they wanted a father.

All kinds of issues have come up and I have always found that in the long run you must tell kids the truth, encourage them to talk and name their fears without fear of judgement or being shut up.

Being honest about what is happening can make other people uncomfortable, especially the ex's. But what I have learned is that kids can handle the truth, it's usually the adults who have a hard time dealing with it!