Ever since my new husband moved in with the children and I, it been total chaos in our home. My teenagers do not get along with my new husband at all. He has rules that they just refuse to follow and all the confusion leaves me right in the middle. I love my husband and I want to be a good, understanding and supporting wife but, my children and I had a life before him and good relationships. What can I do. He says he can't take much more and to be honest neither can I. Maybe he's not the one for me or maybe it's just teenagers being rebellious. HELP!<P>------------------<BR>Dianne Goodman-Welch

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dgoodwelch:<BR><B>Ever since my new husband moved in with the children and I, it's been total chaos in our home. My teenagers do not get along with my new husband at all. He has rules that they just refuse to follow and all the confusion leaves me right in the middle. I love my husband and I want to be a good, understanding and supporting wife but, my children and I had a life before him and good relationships. What can I do. He says he can't take much more and to be honest neither can I. Maybe he's not the one for me or maybe it's just teenagers being rebellious. HELP!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Dianne~<BR>I most strongly suggest getting some help from outside, you probably need some kind of mediation.<P>My son was a very independent 12 when my now husband and I got back together. He ended up on his own at 16 due to the inablility of the three of us to resolve conflict. (Fortunately, he has been very loving and forgiving of me. At 19, he calls me up frquently just to say he loves me. Man, did I get lucky.)<P>The man I married is my daughter's father. She was about 8 at the time we resumed our relationship. (Yeah, this <I>is</I> as complicated as it sounds.) Even though he was related biologically, he had no real life connection to her. She's 13 now, but the result hasn't been much better.<P>Now we throw into the mix, just a couple of weeks ago, his now 12 year old son. I could scream, <I>have</I> screamed, though not at him with frustration at the total lack of parenting this kid has had. I do have a counselor involved who is very suspicious of there being diagnosable problems. I now find myself looking longingly at the door.<P>My point here is that being a step-family is brutal. You don't want it to be the end of your marriage, nor do you want your kids to be hurt. I was accused all over the place of taking sides, no matter what I did. Find a professional to take the flak as well as to provide reasoned, detached coaching.<P>BTW~ I have believed all through this, even now, that it was best for all, including the kids, for it to be clear that my husband and I were united, that the kids were not going to call the shots in my marriage.

My opinion (take it or leave it) is that you should never choose a new husband over the kids. He's NEW, brand new, no matter how long the kids have known him. He's coming into an established household. He doesn't have the authority born of long years caring for the kids and bonding with them. He has no right to make rules and impose punishments. You need family therapy Yesterday to help you negotiate this mess. <P>You, the Mom, are the only one who should be imposing rules and discipline. The kids don't like this usurper. They like even less that you, Mom, are now openly a sexual being (remember how you felt at the thought of your parents having sex, once you hit puberty? Gross, nasty, ptuey!) He's in your bedroom, he's sleeping with you, he's the enemy. And on top of that, he wants to boss them around? <P>He doesn't have the history, the bonding, the trust built up of years. Even if he can impose his will on them by force, nobody wins. <P>A good family counselor can help you negotiate this. He/she may suggest a family meeting, where rules are discussed and consequences for infractions that seem fair are negotiated. <P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

The POJA will help you with the trials and tribulations of being a blended family. <P>Of course your new H needs your respect as well as that of the kids. This is a very important need for him; do not trample on it. And of course your kids will need time to adjust to the newness of the situation and develop a comfortable relationship with him. <P>Ask your H not to impose any rules, discipline, etc. on the kids until you both have agreed. Present a united front to the kids...NO conquering and dividing. Also, consult with your H on ANY decisions concerning the kids. Make him feel an important part of the family. <P>If you absolutely CANNOT agree on a decision needing to be made with time constraints, explain to your H that DUE to the time constraint, the decision making must default to you. Then continue to work on how to make that "family wheel" turn smoothly. <P>It's hard work. We've been trying for four years. Sometimes it feels like one-step-forward, two-steps back. Fortunately, the rewards are many.<P>If you keep trying, and remind EVERYone to treat EVERYone else politely, you'll be just fine. And keep your humor!<P>Laura