I've been divorced since last year and have been separated for over a year. When my ex and I first separated I told her that I would have both kids in the interest of keeping them together all the time. When I also told her that would include taking OC to my parents for holidays, she declined. After a year of having a very active child 24/7, she is starting to hint that she would like me to have both kids.

The trouble is, I'm not sure I want to do that. I have babysit and had overnights with both kids, and it's a lot more work with two than one. Plus, I've gotten used to doing stuff with my S, just the two of us. I feel bad that I don't want to have both kids any more, but it's more work than I want right now. I don't mind babysitting once in a while, but I don't want the full-time responsibility

Is anyone else dealing with this sort of thing? If so, what are you doing?

idiotguy,

Paul Moyer (you might want to put a post out with his name in the title) is an old poster who was doing this, but he had several kids.

It sounds to me that the issue isn't really the child, but the fact that you don't want to be burdened down. If you can't cheerfully deal with the added responsibility that comes with having the both of them, I wouldn't suggest that you change the custody arrangements. Is the OM involved with the OC, or does the OC know you as the only "dad"? If you've been acting as the father from the beginning, then you might want to consider the "responsibility" of claiming that title, and reconsider taking him.

K,

We have a S together, she had a D. The MM is long gone, moved far away. He wants nothing to do with his D.

The custody arrangements are that she has our S during the week and I have him on the weekends. She had D all the time, theoretically. (I babysit occasionally.) I am the only "dad" D has known, she's a year and a half now. As I said before, I volunteered before to have both kids whenever I had our S. But now I think I want to unvolunteer and I feel bad about that. You're right, I don't have any problem with D. She is a great kid and a lot of fun. I'm just struggling with the fact that I feel a certain sense of responsibility for her.

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: idiotguy ]</small>

Ugh, I guess the thing that comes into my head is that you are going to need to make some sort of decision soon about the role you are going to play in this childs life.

She may know you as her Dad, but you aren't, but are you willing to take on that emotional/spiritual/social/everything responisbility?

It might be something you need to consider and make a plan for before something just happens.

I guess I'm picturing her like my Mandamoo, 4.5, and wondering why she doesn't go with her big bro to have fun with Dad... But honey he isn't your Dad....

My heart is just aching for you.

E

Idiotguy,

This is a difficult question...

How old is she? How long were you her dad? Do you love her as if she were your own child?

I think if you continue to take on the responsibility as a father figure in her life You will BOTH be blest..

Think of her dating years..and the kind of man you'd like her to date..and one day marry..You can
be such a blessing in teaching her how men should treat their wives, and girl friends, and she will look up to you..and respect your opinion because YOU were always there for her..and look for a man like you to love her..

think of when she's all grown up and walking down the aisle to get married..if you continue in this role in her life she will probably WANT YOU to have the Honor of giving her away..because she'll continue to look at YOU as her dad..

I don't know if you go to church or what your beliefs are in that respect, but if your a Christian man..you can be her spiritual leader..
one who encourages her to grow and learn..

You don't know what type of men her mom may one day date..or even re-marry..but you can give this young lady a love that others would have a hard time giving her..teaching her that she's still loveable even though you and her mom are no longer together..and helping her emotionally..

You can teach both of these children about what a marriage relationship SHOULD be like..so that maybe they won't make the same mistakes you have..

I know it's not your responsibility to be this for her..but just know that you would both be blest if you took on that role..and she will have a great respect for you for always being there for her..

Yeah like that ^ - she says it better.

If you can do that - WOW.

But if you can't, then I would classify you as truly human.

I can't imagine the - for lack of a better word - balls that it would take to be the Dad to the OC when you are divorced. Married with an OC would be a little easier I think, maybe?

Have you ever hit the Preg/Child forum? They do tons of OC discussion over there. They might have a few words of wisdom for you. Unfortunately I have none.

Just dunno on this one babe. Full support whatever you decide though.

E

idiotguy,

I know what I would do. I'd parent them both, to the best of my abilities. But that's becuase I love children, and the time invested in them seems so little compared to the reward (although my oldest is only 12, so I reserve the right to completely change that opinion when they become teen-agers).

But you're not me. Emotionally, it will be very tough on this little girl (and perhaps on your son) to split them up every weekend that you get visitation. It's not remotely "your fault", but you get to be the heavy... But I'm with E on this---you really will need to decide soon, and then stick with the decision for the next 40 years or so. Spiritual or not, you have an opportunity to do good in this world---and if you think you have it in you to serve as a good role model to your son and this little girl, then I would encourage you to do so.

But then I'm just heading out to pick up my OC from daycare, so I'm just that kind of guy...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JTW,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I'm picturing her like my Mandamoo, 4.5, and wondering why she doesn't go with her big bro to have fun with Dad... But honey he isn't your Dad....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly what I think too. It's just too sad, I think. I'm wrestling with whether or not I want to take on the responsibility of dad. A lot will depend on what XW will allow. My feeling is that if I take on this responsibility, then I should have the authority to match. That means she comes with us when we go visit Grandma and Grandpa. What about Great Grandma? (Not a favorite of XW.) Until I figure out what I'm willing to do, I can't talk to XW about it.

TR,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How old is she? How long were you her dad? Do you love her as if she were your own child? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's a year and a half. XW came home from a long separation two weeks before the birth. After the birth she was seeing MM again (to see the baby, but without my knowledge, ugh). After a few months of this, I decided I'd had enough. She was about 8 months when we separated to get divorced. I could love her as my own, but, so far, haven't had the chance.

She is a very precocious child, she'll be talking soon, I'm sure. I honestly don't know what I'll do if she starts calling me dad. As for later in life, it seems like it's both far away and right around the corner. I guess I'll just have to think about it some more.

Thanks for all your help.

IG,

Still don't like your name, it was your W that was the idiot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As a guy, yeah I know K is a guy but a different guy, I would like to offer you something else to think about.

You are divorced because of your W's affair and perhaps because of the OC. The child's father has behaved as you expected, when the heat was on he ran. Too bad for exW and their child, it really is. But not surprising right?

You have a court order custody agreed upon for your S. If you continue to keep the D in your life, what will happen when exW meets someone and wants to marry him? What happens to that little girl if your exW decides that you don't need to see her anymore because the new H is in her life?

It seems to me IF you decide to continue or discontinue your relationship with OC, you and W really really need to talk about this, and maybe even get something in writing. You have lost a marriage and part of your time with S due to this woman, do you want to lose a little girl that you WILL fall for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> sooner or later? You must find a way to protect that girl and yourself IF you decide to keep her in your life.

I realize that you find two of them a lot, but as she gets older it will become easier. I don't know the age of your S, but if he is relatively young they will become good friends and play together. So instead of 1+1 = 3 maybe 4 1+1 will equal .75 or even 1. Children clearly demonstrate that mathematics is an abstract art form, because 1+1 never seems to have the same answer where children are involved.

My concern is that you and that little girl would become emotionally attached and the exW would yank her from your life. She does have a history of this. So my recommendation is talk with exW no matter how distateful that might be. While that little girl is in no way your responsibility, someone has to protect her from being hurt worse and I somehow don't think your exW is that person.

I think you are right to want to withdraw, but perhaps not for the right reason. The baby will become much easier to care for within a year and it will get much better until your's reach the age of K's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> AT 12 your IQ starts to slip and continues to diminish until they are about 21. AT which time if you have any mind left, you start getting smarter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Think about this.

JL

Just Learning is totally correct.One and half year old is still young enough where you can start separating yourself from her without it beign a traumatizing ordeal for her. The older she becomes, the harder it will be for both you and her to break the bonds that bind you.

Have you talked to your xW about your concerns for OC? If you haven't then I would suggest the sooner you do it the better. If you are willing, why don't you propose adopting OC so that you will have a say in her life? If her answer is a definite NO then I would suggest that you tell her that for the wellbeign of OC you will NOT be babysitting her anymore and playing daddy when you have no rights whatsoever in her upbringing.

Your xW's only concern is to have a free babysitter for her OC and you are that person at the moment. It is very cruel to deceive an inocent child that you are her father when you are really only playing one for her.

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Sometime during the wee hours I got up to wee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and there was a story on the news. The TV is on for noise from midnight to 8am at our house.....

In CA there was a Supreme Court decision that gave custody of a child to a man.

Pregnant woman moves in with boyfriend that is not the biological parent of child she will give birth to in 3 months, they both agree that it will be his name on birth certificate, and he will be "da babies daddie".... Time goes by as it does and the Mother becomes involved in drugs, has trouble keeping a job, and finds herself homeless at one time or another. "Dad" isn't perfect either, warrants for arrest, battery on both sides of the relationship, but he cleans up his act and he is not involved in drugs.

He gets the kid.

I read the Supreme Court opinion, it is on their website, (email me for a link) to sum it up what they said was that a parent is a person who loves and cares for a child. A parent is not a sperm donor, or a incubator, and that parental rights can be given to a person who has loved, cared for, and nurtured a child as if it were ones own.......

Now, for Iggy - this works. This is good. And in this childs case from what I read it seems to be a sound decision.....

But then again.... I kind of cringe, say I have a boyfriend for a while and we break up... I'm poor and he's not, can he ask for custody of my kids???? ACK

No thread drift please. Just tossing out a thought.

Is your name on the birth certificate?

OR more importantly...

Do you live in a state where ALL children of a marriage are considered to be a product of the marriage?

E

JL,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have a court order custody agreed upon for your S. If you continue to keep the D in your life, what will happen when exW meets someone and wants to marry him? What happens to that little girl if your exW decides that you don't need to see her anymore because the new H is in her life? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent question. I'll be sure to bring this up when I talk to her about it.

TMCM,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you talked to your xW about your concerns for OC? If you haven't then I would suggest the sooner you do it the better. If you are willing, why don't you propose adopting OC so that you will have a say in her life? If her answer is a definite NO then I would suggest that you tell her that for the wellbeign of OC you will NOT be babysitting her anymore and playing daddy when you have no rights whatsoever in her upbringing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't talked to her yet. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do. However, requarding the babysitting, I am trying to not do too much right now. I really don't mind it once in a while, but I don't want it to become a regular thing either. I'm either going to have her all the time and be able to do all the regular things I do with S, or I won't do it at all. I don't think adoption is necessary right now, we just have to get the ground rules worked out first.

JTW,

I don't remember who's name is on the birth certificate. The poor girl has everybody's name though. In my state, a child born in wedlock is considered the child of the parents. It's up to me to prove the child isn't mine. In my case, the parentage wasn't contested, my X doesn't expect to get child support from me. It's actually more important for me to prove non-parentage so that my X can't sue me for child support at a later date.

I'm leaning toward having her all the time, I just have to get used to the idea.

whatever you do, you are a special guy.

if you deciede to be the DAD, I agree with JL (I do that alot) get it in writing, so you & that little girl will not be hurt down the road.

Good luck with whatever you do.......