Yesterday was my court date with my wife. I got there almost a half hour early just to prepare myself and of course I hoped that she would come a litle early so we could discuss some things. She came 15 minutes early and we hugged when we saw each other. It was one of those half [censored] hugs, but nonetheless, a hug. It felt good to hold her for that moment. We spoke about what we've been doing lately and it really hurt me that I am no longer a part of her life. I'm the one with a gambling problem, which is why she left me, and not once did she ask "how are you doing?" It's as if she doesn't think about me or wonder what I'm doing. This is very hard to accept for me. Then we went into the courtroom and if you're the plaintiff in the divorce, you need to come up with 3 reasons why you want the divorce. She gave...1) unable to communicate as spouses, 2) deceitful behavior, and 3) irreconcilable differences. When I saw them, I told her I should counter divorce her. She asked on what grounds would I divorce her. I told her 1) Abandonment, 2) disloyaly towards spouse, and 3) I couldn't think of a third. She didn't like that too much. She said that she has done nothing but support me in my gambling illness, but the dishonesty was too much for her to handle. I have no defense on that. She's 110% right. Then we were interupted by the court reporter. The session was about to begin. She sat in the plaintiff chair and I sat in the defendant chair. I wore a suit and she wore jeans and a shirt. She looked very cute. The judge asked us questions individually. Next thing I know the judge says our marriage has been dissolved and that was it. The whole thing took maybe 15 minutes. We spent so much time dating and getting ready for our wedding and our life, and then in 15 minutes it's over. Unbelievable. When we were walking downstairs, I asked her in a friendly way, I know we're done for now, but do you think we can ever try this again in the future. She said she'll never say never but more than probably not. I told her not to slam shut the door on us. Close the door for now, but don't slam it so that it cannot reopen in the future. We hugged each other so tight when we said goodbye and she had tears in her eyes and I was crying. We kissed on the cheek goodbye and I walked away. As I was leaving she said "I love you hun." Then immediately after she said it, she said "Oh my G-d, I didn't mean to say that." I didn't even turn around. I spent the day at the beach yesterday with some good friends. I needed the day off from work. I'm right back on the bottom. I've been on the bottom for the past 5 months and every day I keep on taking baby steps to lift myself up. Then something like this happens and I fall right back down. I know I will be okay. There is so so so much more to this story but for now it's all I can say. Time to move on and always move forward, never bakward. Thanks for listening.

Adam

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I could feel the pain in your words. Just wanted to say you are in my thoughts and I wish for you healing and peace.

Hi Adam,

Sorry to see you go through this, I feel your pain, hang in there things do get better.

This is just my opinion, I really don't think you have some great Illness that can't be healed, we can all call on the great physician our creator God almighty to heal us.....

Through out the years I've never looked at gamblers as sick people, I always looked at them as people with great faith, but faith twisted in believing in the wrong thing. I don't know your spiritual man state but I bet if you gave yourself over to the Lord completly and his word and get an understanding of contentment vs greed I'll bet you'll be one of the most dynamic men of faith ever, Faith moves and please's God.

Gamblers are risk takers but that energy needs to be harnessed and cutivated into something thats true and positive.

I spoke to 3 inventors this year of Las Vegas games, they told me they specifically design the games for the house to win some and the gambler a little, just enough to keep them feeding there money to the game, the inventor controls the percentage. Then they said there are games designed specifically for no one to win period, it makes up for all the loses on the other games, they even told me the names of the games, I thought that was sad. They even went as far to say most of the games are just an illusion, but by this time people are hooked.

Thank you for sharing that with us Adam, it was very moving.
I hope your healing process is swift, as I can tell by your post the pain you feel.
I'm sure the day was very hard for you. I'm sure I will feel much the same way you did when my final court day comes up, which is in October.
Hang in there, it's got to get better.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Thanks for your feedback so far. It really is so hard because I constantly wonder where she is and what she is doing and of course I hope that she is okay. I used to think that ultimately in my life I want to be the one to make her happy. Now, ultimately, I just want us both to be happy even if it's not me making her happy. Does that make sense? I just miss seeing her smile. Everything I used to do made her happy. When I first came clean about my illness, there was never a true smile on her face. I will never give up on trying to get her back. I know I can make her happy again. I guess we'll see!