I don't know if this is my imagination but it seems like a lot of us (including myself) are age 43. Is this a dangerous age for affairs? My stbxh is 42. Mid-life crisis or what?

Hi Fingers,
I don't know if it's your imagination (my WW is 42), but I have noticed one thing as far as age is concerned involving "A's" and that is this.
Many of the "A" that I have read about, the "WS" usually "M" young (18yrs in that area), and then the age spread at the time of the "A" is between 38 to 47 years old or young depending on your point of view.
So IMHO, I think there is a pattern here.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

My husband was 47 when he had his EA and I was 43. (We are now 51 and 47) We married young, I was 19 and he 23. Have been married 28 years now. I think we fit the "pattern" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My husband and I married when we were 22 and will be married for 15 yrs on August 15 - now we are both 37 going to be 38 and his affair started at 36 and ended at 37 - now he just doesn't want to be married and wants to drink beer and play sony playstation so I believe we are talking total midlife crisis here - though you know he doesn't think he is giving up any responsibility leaving the house and the girls in my care - on a daily basis he is just going to visit when he wants but that is being responsible and the sad part is I don't think he will ever get it... What he is throwing and for what - Nothing...

let's see, I was 42 when I had my 'a', 37 when I married my h. He was 27 and 30 when he had the a. We broke the mold. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The mold fits snugly around me! When we married, I was 18 and H was 20....he had the A when he was 47 and I was 45.

I also noticed a lot of 40-somethings posting here with a lot of married years behind them. It's different for us with all our married years behind us, than it is for those who have only been together for 10 years or less. Maybe more difficult? Not sure.

My H. is 44-when A. started on line he was almost 43. He doesn't believe he is in MLC tho. But all the signs were there and still are, his OW is 40, seems like a lot of us are going thru this at midlife, whether we want to or not. It really sucks.

I guess I fit the general timeframe. I was 21, H 24 when we married 27+ yrs ago.

Don't know how typical I am, but my 'excuse' (if you can call it that) is that most of my important ENs were being met by my children - affection, conversation, recreational companionship, even domestic support. My H showed practically no interest in any of those things (even before we had children). He had more important/interesting things to do, and figured that as long as he provided Financial Support he had fulfilled his obligation.

The kids both went away to college 7 years ago, and H didn't pick up the slack. Somebody at work did. H is trying to pick up the pieces finally, but I'm not really interested anymore. We've been through this cycle too many times. As soon as he's comfortable again he goes back to his old habits.

I am 46 and WH is 49 WH had (is having) A's at ages 33, 38 and 46-49 which is how old he is now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> These are the ones I know about. This time OW1 was HS friend, OW2 is 39-40.

We met when I was 19, WH was 22, got married me -25, H - 28

WH is certainly in MLC. He told me he just wanted to have fun, that he had done his part. (Kids were 8, 18, and 13) I don't call that done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My STBXH was 50 when he started his affair, but then he's always been a procrastinator. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My STBXH was 30 and I was 31 when we got together. He was 47 when the A started (actually EA was going on for several years earlier, I believe), and I was 49. When I was dx'd with breast cancer at 47, he cried on,then 20 year old soon-to-be married, OW's shoulder, which was the beginning of the EA.

I do believe MLC was involved. He bought a Harley before and then an old Porsche right after beginning the PA. He now listens only to rap music and doesn't hang out with anyone over 25. Sad for a man who'll be 50 in 4 months...

Yep, there definitely is a pattern. But why? I think affairs happen at all ages, but the people who come here are the ones who want to know what happened and want to save it if they can.

Those people who have a lot invested.

I'm 43 also. I do not know if age has anything to do with it, but age is no excuse imvho.

My was 42 and I was 38 when he had his EA/PA and HUGE MLC! I somehow kept my wits about me during HIS MLC and affair yet now I am going thru a MLC of my own!I question whether I did the right thing staying with him since his A was very full blown and he wanted a divorce at the time for sure. I also get so frustrated because he is not a person who can express his emotions very well and that drives me crazy! However I dont plan to make a revenge affair part of that so we are still in MC since reconciling after H"s affair. At the time our marriage 'blew up!" we had been married 15 yrs and were starting to blame each other for all each other's faults and weaknesses. It is taking ALOT of counseling to learn how to stop doing this.I think we had let our marriage run on auto-pilot for some time before things went berserk! I was stuck in a comfort zone and didnt want to make changes while my H was totally wanting me to change and frustrated that I wouldnt. Now even my computer is having a MLC- I had to replace the hard-drive in it and its only one year old! Just goes to show how fast you can be 'replaced!" lifeismessy

My x had just turned 41 when her affair began. Classic MLC, I believe. She seems to have come out of it now. SHe seems more level headed, less flighty, but confused.

I was 28 and she was 25 when we got married.

LetSTry,
Hey!! Trying to find you - haven't been here in awhile and want to know what is up with you...computer is down - got a virus, so I lost your email address...can you give it to me again or post to me in Recovery???
Thanks
S

My H and I were both about 26 when we M. I had just turned-he was about to turn 26 so I wouldn't consider us that young. But the MLC thing does seem to be a factor. He started EA at 39 (he will turn 40 soon) OW also turned 40 this year, as did I. H and OW share this 'bond', but I'm forgotten.

Anyway, we've been M 14 yrs (less 8wks of sep, of course). My H also has the extra burden of suffering from depression (may even be bi-polar). Does this seem to come out or get worse around this age (40)?

nothopeful: Interesting you should ask about bi-polar at age 40. When my stbxh left me, I went to one counseling session. We talked about my stbxh and at the end, the counselor told me it sounds like me might be bi-polar, but, at 41, it was late in life for it to start. I believe, however, after reading about bi-polar, that my stbxh definitely suffers some form of it.

Fingers:

Actually, my H admitted to me this spring that his first bout of mental illness struck in his early teens. I don't know if that is a sign of anything. He thinks he just has regular depression (whatever that is), but his mother appears to be schizophrenic (pretty scary -huh?). And my pastor said to me about 2 mo. ago he fears my H may be heading down same road as my MIL.

Lately, H has been making comments like 'at least I don't hear voices like my mother'. But he's been acting strangely (more than usual anyway) and claiming people are saying things that they are not. So I kind of wonder if maybe he is hearing things.

He has had mood swings, bought things compulsively, and goes from being the life of the party to sleeping alot.

Does any of this make sense? I wonder if that age (around 40's) is the time mental illness is more likely to kick in or get worse. Or is it MLC? How come only some are affected? Are the rest of us just stronger people and don't let age get to us? Where as the others (waywards and such) are weak, immature, or more self-centered?

nothopeful: I guess we can relate to some things. My stbxh went off the deep end during a very stressful period with work and his juvenile delinquent teenage son (from a previous marriage). That is when he started his affair; during this very stressful period.

My stbxh also was a compulsive spender. And he would have periods of getting real absorbed in activities (i.e., dog training, gun collecting, karate, gambling - the list goes on and on) which would last about 3 months then he would lose interest but was very intense while it lasted by reading books and talking endlessly about the activity of the moment. By the way, the affair with the first OW lasted 3 months.

Does your H have a substance abuse problem? That seems to be one of the signs of this type of personality. My stbxh has a very serious prescription drug problem and is a recovering alcoholic. Additionally, he was a very wild teenager with drugs and alcohol which lasted into his mid-20's when he cleaned himself up. At 42, he seems to be regressing and is now on a very self-destructive path.

I was wondering if anyone else out there has experience with bi-polar, personality disorder, etc. spouses or spouses who are self-destructive.