Hello All, <BR>I have been reading this site since I started having problems in my marriage. <BR>I am 26 years old and have been married for nearly 2 years. <BR>Recently, there has been a lot of changes happening in my marriage. I think it all started back when my husband got a job and had to work when I was home but was home when I worked. We were unable to see each other except for one hour before bed and the days that we both have off.<BR>Some of the problems are minor some are serious. And since there are so many that I need to discuss I decided to start an new topic. <BR>First off, my husband has been wanting to get new friends because we lost most of ours in the move and after the wedding. He found a friend but the friend is not like what I want to have to handle. I can't drink because I get seriously ill and I don't like to see people get drunk. My husband's new friends love to party. I decided that I did not feel like being there but he wanted to go anyways. For four nights in a row he went to see them came home drunk and really upset me so much I did not want to be with him that night. He became extremely angry and threw the remote control at me one of the nights. The next night he nearly broke my wrist. <BR>Now normally he just yells but last weekend while we were on a trip he got angry slammed his fist into my knee. He never appologized. He said that I was being a hypocrit and acting like my mother. I told him if he ever hits me again I will leave him and divorce him. He said nothing as if he did not care. But this is not the only problem right now.<BR>The Second problem: I am not sexually satisfied and I find my eyes are wandering. Personally He never has satisfied me completely. And of course I have tried to be open with him to try to save our marriage. I told him the truth about not feeling satisfied about a month ago. Which is when much of these problems started to arise. I have even warned him of it and asked for his help. <BR>Third problem:Unfortunately, he has not listened and what is worse we now have a male friend living with us. The temptation is great and I told him not to have a male with us right now again my words seem not to matter nor my feelings. This man is in my eyes more attractive than my husband and that really scares me. This man also has expressed even in my husbands face his liking of me.<BR>Fourth problem: My spiritual needs have not been met. I like having my husband around when I go to church. However, we have not gone to church for almost a year. I want to so badly but he does not. The man in my home does as well. But my husband always has some excuse why not to go to church. I feel I need it to keep my life straight and to follow in accordance with my beliefs. <BR>Fifth problem: I don't feel my emotional needs are being met. He does not show me or talk to me in the loving manner we did when we were dating nor when we first married. My home is always a wreck physically. I am stressed out, heart pounding most the time, my ulcer acting up and I feel no one cares but the man in my house. Not only that but it is causing some trouble with my job as well.<BR>Sixth problem: My family and he do not get along. And for that my parents are pushing for me to divorce him. They have even said they would come and get me if I was willing to leave. They talked to a lawyer for me and have talked to a pastor. Even after that they still say I should. This is really upsetting to me since my parents nor even my family has never had a divorce in it that I am aware of. I have even been raised never to consider divorce an option unless if was for two reasons, either infidelity or abuse. The parents also consider my husband's spiritual unfaithfulness as also grounds. <P>Seventh problem: I feel I have no control. My husband takes my check deposits it, pays the bills sometimes forgetting one, like the gas bill (in which we have no hot water or a way to cook our food except in the microwave. We have lost our satellite channels due to lack of payment.) I never see any of it. I can't even carry a purse or he fears I have something to hide. Only time I actually see money is when I need it for gas for the car so I can go to work. He works also goes or went to school(no financial aide because of bad grades) but he works a job as a clerk. I am the bread winner of the family yet I never see the money. <BR>Luckily, I don't have any kids yet. <BR>These are the major issues I am faced with right now. Can anyone help me? What can I do?<P><BR> <BR>

Dear Lady_LaNee,<BR>I'm sorry to hear of your struggle...<BR>I have been juggling alot too in my marriage.<P>First, I think the decision to work on the marriage issues or to divorce is between you and your spouse. Others can offer a place to stay if you need a break or safety from violence or if you need an extended separation. You can consider their advice, but pray about it whether it is God's way for you at this time. Is your spouse unwilling to try better ways of relating to your parents and others?<P>You don't necessarily have to leave a marriage just because a spouse doesn't go to church and provide spiritual enrichment. If you are rich spiritually, you can be a real blessing that encourages him to want what you have. That is scriptural. <P>Does your spouse forbid you to attend church? I was able to go to church alone for a couple years when my spouse didn't go, and it was a wonderful experience! I highly recommend that to you! Maybe a Christian lady there can be of support to you at this stressful time, also.<P>I think you already know the danger of having this other man live in your home. Not only is he a temptation at a time you feel needy and vulnerable, but Spouses need to be alone to work out their issues and get counseling support! Tell your spouse, this other man must go now! <P>I recommend dealing with your sexual issues in counseling also; most likely your spouse is capable of meeting your needs, but the two of you must learn how to make that happen together. Emotional/relational problems could be hindering sex too.<P>The fact that your spouse controls the money... is he unwilling to change this in ways you need? I am wondering if he is a controlling man in other areas of your life together as well. Is this what your parents object to? My spouse is a controller and everything must be his way and doesn't care how it affects me or others, whether I'm abused, neglected, etc. Many pastors are not trained to deal with controllers/abusers and advise women to put up with it. They don't know what we go through, and that an abuser is never pleased. The pain I've gone through has prompted me to do much reading, so that I know what is abuse. <P>Find a Christian counselor for both of you to see. Marriage is a special covenant the two of you made before God, and the issues should be considered and worked on before jumping to divorce. According to scripture, God allows for separation if needed. Divorce is a last resort, and I'm not convinced your situation is at that point yet. God's timing and way is best!<BR>Hugs and prayers,<BR>~Renae<BR>

Hi again,<BR>I re-read your letter, and just want to add that you are at a critical stage where you need to firmly state what you will and won't tolerate! <P>Under Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement and the promises your spouse made at the wedding altar, your spouse is wrong in taking on friends you don't approve of and that are corrupting his character, causing him to drink, get drunk, and physically abuse you! <BR>He should put your needs as priority over taking on other friends anyway, and you are needy right now! If he does not agree to cut off these friends and stop the abuse immediately, then you tell him that you will separate until he gets counseling and proves himself to be a changed man who will respect and love you.<BR>~Renae<P><BR>

Thanks for your response. I hope to see more.<BR>To answer your questions Renae:<BR>Both he and my parents don't like each other since the day we married. (H)has tried to reconcile but my parents don't want to. Thus, I am not suppose to talk to them or see them. I am not sure if it is not allowed to go to church, but when I put the alarm on to get me up it never goes off. I have devotions with myself, talk to christians at work one that I can trust, and do what I can. I ask him when we are going he never gives an answer. Now this guy who is living with us is willing to go to church with me. I need the fellowship right now as I know he does.<BR>Again last night I told my (H) that he was a temptation and has to go. His response is we need the money right now and K... can help. I told him it is not wise and is very dangerous for our relationship. He again said nothing.<BR>Curious how graphic can one get in the sexual issue.. He could never completely satisfy me fully. However, I love the fore-play. He is physically unable to (sizewise). I waited/saved myself until marriage and found out on the wedding night how physically unable to satisfy me. He and I are willing to try things to help, but he will never been able to fully satisfy me in the final act. That hurts both him, me and our relationship. Perhaps that is why he also has started to become more upset and controlling with me, because he does not want to lose me. But I feel I might be rationalizing what he does. <P>You are correct in the controlling part. He controls nearly all I do. And that is why I feel trapped. I have a submissive side but still needs some control. <P>I love my husband and would prefer we reconcile and stay together than to divorce. I don't know if that is possible. I need him to try with me to help this marriage out. And I need us to have God back in our lives. <P>My parents say that is not possible because he is aethisitc and unwilling. However, my husband says he prays, and is not by any means aethistic. I am torn between the parents and my husband and my friends (what lil I have).<P>He tells me things will be better once he gets team leader position. Which he has been told his name is on the top of the list for.<P>I don't know what to think. All I know is that the man I married does not seem the man now. And I will not take abuse. It is not fair to me and if I had kids to them.<P>Renae, I have some good news. I have taken a few steps. One to seek out a church and counselor by the way of a friend at work. However, what should I tell my husband seeing I have always tried to be open with him. <P>My parents have seen a lawyer and even got the divorce settlement price and are on call. They say while I am with him they will not help me out in anyway financially or even with presents. They cut me off from them except to be on call to get me out. Makes it really hard on me especially now.<P>How does one know a person has become a changed man? I am really curious. All I do know is if things don't clear up it could get ugly. <P>I just wish He would listen and respect me.<P>Well there is more to chew on. Thanks again.<P>God bless,<BR>Lady LaNee

My parents had a plan for my life and kept pushing me toward it even beyond my college years, demanding I don't marry Man #1, what to major in at college, pursue career 2 years before dating anyone else, etc. so didn't want to meet the man I did marry, they weren't at our wedding, etc.<BR>It was tough! I had to get to the point that I wanted God's will more than anything in life, to please HIM first, and pursue that with my whole heart. They kept interfereing 'til it was hard to see anything straight. I had to sort through their stuff--what had value or not, where they were too controlling, etc. Advice is ok, controlling is not. I learned about codependency, how to overcome it, how to set boundaries.<P>Look at the reasons your parents oppose your spouse. Are there misunderstandings you could clear up in a letter? Or are they right? Regardless, they should not control you and your spouse. No marriage is hopeless if both are willing to work at it, and yours doesn't sound hopeless, especially with your devotion to God. Your hubby doesn't sound opposed to your faith so he isn't the worst guy, spiritually speaking, that women have lived with! Husbands have been won over to the Lord through their wife's godliness, love, and patience. The man who is so influenced by family, seems potentially able to be more influenced by an encouraging wife. <P>If your parents are improperly controlling, then write and tell them you love them and would like to see them, but they are not allowed to control your marriage. If they will agree to not mention your marriage and you can relate pleasantly in other ways, then I think your spouse should re-consider that you at least see them if you want to, but stick to your boundaries. I think life is too short to not see your parents and show them some honor.<P>I feel for you on this point, as my spouse cut me off too from seeing my parents and relatives. The first time he did it for good reason, because I was not strong enough to stick to my boundaries with them. But many years later, my spouse cut them off out of his own immaturity spiritually and emotionally. They needed to give him time to grow up, and it was hard for me being caught in the middle, actually seeing wrong on both sides. My spouse is controlling and I could not stand up to him at that time. The good thing is that over the years I've grown to better handle both controlling parents and controlling spouse, and how to be ME in all of this. I'm growing, thank God!!! I am better off because of the struggles, though I couldn't see it at the time! Regardless of what happens, you are growing too. This is about you just as much as it is about your spouse and parents. Let God work!<P>It sounds like your spouse turns off the alarm yet isn't forbidding you to go to church. Good for you to go to church!<BR>However, CAUTION! I would not advise you to go with that other man to church! In your sexually needy state, you must have Christian fellowship with co-workers and others at church, not him. A spiritual connection with this man could lead to sex. Beware! It can start innocent.<P>If I understand correctly, your spouse has this man in the house to help with expenses. Find another way to meet these expenses! You & spouse need to be alone. Don't back down on this one, as an affair could kill your chances at building the marriage.<P>About the sex issue, it is positive that you enjoy the foreplay!!! We couldn't even enjoy that in the beginning! I can fully relate to you because we have the SAME problem: size!!! We checked with a sex therapist, and the conclusion was: The mind is really the most important sex organ...it's the creativity and the feelings communicated as part of the whole relationship that can build the sex life. We also used "toys" that reached and accomplished what was needed. Get this!...People who have the size often end up failing because they don't have to be as creative as we were!!! We decided size didn't matter, just as the therapist said, and in fact what was a source of hurt for us, my spouse feeling like a failure,etc. actually turned out to become a blessing!<BR>It's all in whether we see a glass half full or half empty. Yes the sex inadequacy made my spouse more controlling too until we worked at the sex matter and resolved it.<BR>But look at it--you say he doesn't want to lose you!...that is positive, isn't it? Men can get real down about not measuring up, but a wife's attitude can help. Praise his great foreplay right now, what he is good at, and go from there to praise every positive effort to rebuild confidence about the sexual relationship.<P>It is great that you love your spouse and prefer to work things out! It sounds like he loves you too and just needs to learn how to relate better. Controlling and abuse are damaging (I should know!!) For a man who is willing to do whatever it takes not to lose you, you can recommend resources to help in building your relationship in all the ways it needs. How about Dr. Harley's books and tapes? How about Dennis Rainey's Family LIfe Conferences or the Marriage Encounter weekend events if they come to your area? <BR>There are oodles of self-help resources out there! And good for you to find a marriage counselor!! If you think your spouse will go too, then tell him about it. Otherwise, get the help you need right now from the counselor to have a strategy, and even at a later point your spouse may join in. GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!<P>Hope this helps! Did I miss a topic?<BR>Hugs to you,<BR>~Renae <P><p>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited July 19, 2000).]

Greetings Renae,<BR>Oh WOW! You really hit it on the nose. Thanks for such great advice.<P>Progress! At least I hope. My husband and I had another talk and got a few more things straightened out. Especially after I had him read this. It kinda put fear in him and showed I was serious in my words.<BR>The drinking buddies are no longer. Thank goodness. Two, he is finally giving me some money but can't do that until this weekend when we get paid. <BR>He actually gets the picture about church and wants me to pick on out so we can go Sunday.<BR>Far as sexual.. we are still having a problem but when we can get some money to buy toys we will.<BR>Still working on the rest but I am happy to report some progress has been made. It really helped that he saw the letters. <BR>Now if I could just get my parents to listen. How I hate the actions of them butting in like this making it too easy for divorce or leaving. As I said I rather save my marriage then kill it.<BR>And if I could get the nerve to throw that man out myself and hope not for retailiation from him or my husband. Because if my husband won't I will work on it another way. He is homeless and a friend and is helping with the bills, but also has taken the liberty to show he likes me to the point of grabbing me and kissing me and touching me. ~AAACCCCKKK~ I don't need this. It only makes things harder. I am still working on that one BIG TIME. Please keep praying for this to be changed quickly. I need him out of my house or things are going to go very very Wrong.<BR>God bless you and keep you. and Thank you bunches.<P>Lady LaNee

Dear Lady LaNee:<BR>God is the answer. I am a living testamony to this. Your bible has all the answers to every situation you are going through. God is trying to get your attention to focus totally on him. I promise you he is allowing Satan to attack you and your marriage because you are too focus on your life with you husband. Remember God is a jealous God and he says that we should not ever put anyone or anything before him. Hear me please. Pray and ask God to reveal to you what it is that he would have you do and Jesus says seek me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Girl, this ain't no joke. God is able. He can change and turn all those crazy things going on in your life around. Have faith in his word. It's for real. Try it and I promise you the change will knock you off your feet and most of all you will be full of joy,have peace of mine and a be at peace with yourself resting in the Lord. Be blessed.

GREAT TO HEAR OF YOUR PROGRESS!!!<BR>HURRAY!!!<P>Marriage is a lesson in patience, though,<BR>so everything doesn't always work out instantly!<P>(I can write a short post!!)<P>Hugs and prayers,<BR>Renae

I told my spouse someone needs help on "size", and he gave me this website: <A HREF="http://www.sextoyfun.com" TARGET=_blank>www.sextoyfun.com</A> <BR>(I haven't looked there, but you can decide if anything there helps.)<P>Sounds like your spouse is willing to change when confronted. That is positive!!!<P>Wishing you the best!<BR>~Renae

lady, first off, you need to keep your parents out of your relationship as much as possible. i know from experience. you end up telling them things when you are upset and have nobody else to talk to. the problem is, that you end up getting over whatever the problem was, but they wont get over it. secondly, do not give him your money. that is not fair, in my opinion. sorry , but i have a real problem with that. you need to have access to the money that you earn. that is totally unfair. as far as the other man, if you told your husband that he is a temptation to you and he did nothing about it- just because of money-wow! i cant imagine that. maybe if you told him that the man kissed you, etc, that would remedy the situation. otherwise, if you really love your husband, you should have the strength to resist. good luck

Hello Lady LaNee,<P>Please let me know how you have been doing!<BR>What's new?<P>Caring about you,<BR>Renae

Greeting Renae,<BR>Things are really starting to fall back into place. We did what you suggested and bought some toys. At least for once, it was enjoyable. All I can say is thank you bunches. We have had a real breakthrough and He and I are also talking to people on how to curb his anger and to make life with him enjoyable again. <P>May God Bless You and Keep You, <P>Lady LaNee<P>

***************<p>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited August 02, 2000).]

So GREAT to hear of your breakthrough!! <BR>I hope all the issues will continue to work out. It would be nice to get an update from you when you can find the time!!!<P>Hugs & prayers,<BR>Renae